Really Depressed and in Need of Help!

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Feanaro

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I’m going through a really tough time right now and need some ideas on what to do, or just some support I guess. My wife has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. For those not familiar with these illnesses, in a nutshell they cause extreme exhaustion and pain. When it was just the two of us it wasn’t easy but we managed, my wife would just pace herself and try to deal with it as best she could. When we had our daughter that all changed. From birth she has always been an extremely demanding child. I was able to take parental leave for the first 9 months but now that I’m back to work, it all falls on my wife. Our daughter is now 14 months old and is quickly waring out my wife both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I worry about them all the time and don’t know what to do.
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On top of all this there is my work. I'm an infantry soldier in the Canadian Forces. I've been doing it for approximatley 12 years and have 8 years left in the military before I can collect a pension. With my situation at home I haven't been able to deploy overseas to Afghanistan, go on any feild exercises, or basically do anything that is required of an infantry soldier. Instead I get stuck back in battalion doing joe jobs. I'm not able to progress at all because I can't go away for leadership training when I've been asked to several times. I just feel useless at my job! What I really want to do is change to a different trade within the military. Preferably air craft mechanic in the air force. This would give me a skill I could use after my military career (as the military pension is not enough to live on). I would have a meaningful job to do everyday and wouldn't be asked to deploy nearly as much as in the infantry. The problem with this is that the course I would have to take is a year long and would require a move for the whole family. Then we would have to move again when the course is over to my new posting. My wife has told me she doesn't want to move, because her family is here. However, considering our situation, her family hasn't been much help anyway! Just today my wife called me at work crying and saying she can't do this much longer...but I don't know what to do. Considering I'm only doing the minimal at work right now it's not like I can just come home whenever she calls even though I want to. Most of my family live on the other side of the country so they can't help. I just need help. I can't do everything and I have to think of our future as well as the present.
Please pray for us and any advice would be much appreciated.
 
I’m going through a really tough time right now and need some ideas on what to do, or just some support I guess. My wife has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. For those not familiar with these illnesses, in a nutshell they cause extreme exhaustion and pain. When it was just the two of us it wasn’t easy but we managed, my wife would just pace herself and try to deal with it as best she could. When we had our daughter that all changed. From birth she has always been an extremely demanding child. I was able to take parental leave for the first 9 months but now that I’m back to work, it all falls on my wife. Our daughter is now 14 months old and is quickly waring out my wife both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I worry about them all the time and don’t know what to do.

On top of all this there is my work. I’m an infantry soldier in the Canadian Forces. I’ve been doing it for approximatley 12 years and have 8 years left in the military before I can collect a pension. With my situation at home I haven’t been able to deploy overseas to Afghanistan, go on any feild exercises, or basically do anything that is required of an infantry soldier. Instead I get stuck back in battalion doing joe jobs. I’m not able to progress at all because I can’t go away for leadership training when I’ve been asked to several times. I just feel useless at my job! What I really want to do is change to a different trade within the military. Preferably air craft mechanic in the air force. This would give me a skill I could use after my military career (as the military pension is not enough to live on). I would have a meaningful job to do everyday and wouldn’t be asked to deploy nearly as much as in the infantry. The problem with this is that the course I would have to take is a year long and would require a move for the whole family. Then we would have to move again when the course is over to my new posting. My wife has told me she doesn’t want to move, because her family is here. However, considering our situation, her family hasn’t been much help anyway! Just today my wife called me at work crying and saying she can’t do this much longer…but I don’t know what to do. Considering I’m only doing the minimal at work right now it’s not like I can just come home whenever she calls even though I want to. Most of my family live on the other side of the country so they can’t help. I just need help. I can’t do everything and I have to think of our future as well as the present.

Please pray for us and any advice would be much appreciated.
 
Many prayers!!

Have you reached out to your Parish? I’ve yet to know of a Parish where there were not loving caring people who will be thrilled to lend a hand, or an arm or a shoulder to lean on.

What about your friends - the ones who said “call me if I can do anything”… now is the time to CALL THEM.

I am a mother who deals with life long disability and chronic pain. I have had to learn that it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to lean on others, that is why God made us the way we are - we are designed to work togheter.

We have read your DW’s many struggles - and we know how hard she tries.

May God bless you both!
 
Sorry I don’t have any advice, however, I will pray for you and your family.
 
Don’t have that many good freinds in this city, more like acquaintance’s. Since we haven’t been able to be as active as we would like to in our parish because of our situation, we unfortunately don’t know that many people there either.
 
You and Malia certainly have my prayers, so does your precious baby girl. :crossrc:
 
You know, reading your post I couldn’t help but think about all the times I have an emotional breakdown and call my husband. When I call, I’m not really wanting an immediate solution, so much as the comfort of him soothing me and telling me everything is going to be ok. Your wife called because she knows you are there for her…don’t worry too much about solving everything right now. She just needs you to be sweet and supportive during the physically and emotionally challenging times. Reading over your post, you sound like a wonderful family–you are doing a fantastic job with your little one and I think that it says a lot that you are both discussing the future. 👍 I know how easy it is to feel that the daily humdrum job isn’t what you are meant to do–or what you want to do long term. But from what you mentioned in your post, it sounds like this possible course isn’t an opportunity that will disappear right away. What about waiting a little while–perhaps once your little one is 3 or so, you will find that the challenges of the move will be less. God bless!
 
These are the times when regular pray is the only way.

I am very saddened that this is happening. You and your family are in my prayers.

I have recently found myself in a similar position. I am now caring for my elderly parents. They moved in with me about a month ago and my personal life has come to an abrupt end.

May God grant you and your family peace and healing.

:gopray2:
 
I’ve been following a lot of Malia’s posts, but have never talked to her directly. I’m so sorry the two of you are having such a difficult time right now. I don’t have any useful advice for you, but I’ll definitely pray for the three of you. God bless you!
 
I am so sorry you and Malia are struggling so much.
I will continue to pray for your situation…

I don’t know anything about those illnesses… but I encourage you to explore all the medical help you can that may ease your struggles as you live with these diseases.
God works through physicians and medications if we ask Him to.

You will be in my prayers.
 
Feanaro said:
I would have a meaningful job to do everyday and wouldn’t be asked to deploy nearly as much as in the infantry. The problem with this is that the course I would have to take is a year long and would require a move for the whole family. Then we would have to move again when the course is over to my new posting. My wife has told me she doesn’t want to move, because her family is here.
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It’s so important to feel like we’re doing something meaningful in our daily lives, and that we’re actually accomplishing something. My DH struggles with this, too, but doesn’t know what he wants to do, yet.

Would it be possible to take your year-long training, and leave your family behind? Many times (at least in the US Armed Forces), families can’t always stay together. Maybe Malia and Lily could stay with family while you’re gone? Not ideal, I know, but an option nonetheless if she doesn’t want to move.

I’m sure you’ve probably already considered my ideas, but maybe others can help with the brainstorming, too. :o
 
Can you hire a teen to help w/ housework and play w/ the baby? I know Lily is high needs, but at some point she will get used to someone else dealing with her. A teen might have the extra patience you need when the two of you feel drained. —KCT
 
I think you may have to step up to the plate and find a way to help your family during this trying time. Perhaps you can find a babysitter or mother’s helper to help your wife during the day. If you need (and it appears that you do) to focus on your career, you should do that. That is what men do if they are the sole provider for their family.

Nobody has it easy, believe me. I’m 41 years old and my husband has his own company. There have been years when we’ve had to borrow money to meet payroll. It’s not fun. But that is life. If you are not receiving help from your wife’s family, you will have to find another way to get her some help. It’s that simple.

Pray as if everything counts on God, and act as if everything counts on you.
 
While it is always looked at with scrutiny, it is possible to get Social Security Disability, or SSI in the U.S. if one has very bad cases of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. It is difficult for me to think Canada doesn’t do something similar. I would be inclined to think you have already explored the ways in which you could obtain financial help and supportive services, and found them wanting. But just in case you haven’t, I thought I should at least mention this.
 
I would very much explore more medical avenues. I recently went through one of the most stressful years of my life and I know stress can do such odd things to your body. The odd thing is that I have found a lot of help with my health issues with an NFP doctor. All symptoms were not NFP related, they were hormone related. I was considered crazy by our family doctor and my husband was beside himself with worry. As it turned out my NFP doctor check hormonal imbalances that all other doctors ignore. I also dicovered that I had strange reactions to foods. Such as artificial sweeteners give me terrible headaches make me exhausted and I can’t sleep. Glutin makes me anxious and just plain naughty. We are working to get my hormones more balanced and I am charting with temperatures and Naprotechnology so they can see how my body is processing and working. In the mean time talk to your priest. He may know of some lonely older ladies that would love to have someone to mother. Explain to her family that it would help if they would check in on your wife once a week. I will pray for all of you. God always has something better than ever planned, we just need to turn it over to him so he can do the work.
 
I third the idea of a mother’s helper or babysitter to help your wife out. Here is a list of childcare and babysitters in Edmonton according to Craigslist Perhaps y’all could find one that would be useful to you.
 
**First of all, since we don’t seem to communicate well in person honey, let me just say that I’m sorry you’re feeling so stressed out. I wish i wasn’t such a burden and could be more self sufficient. I want you to be happy and enjoying the family you finally have that you’ve dreamed of for so long. But life is tougher than we both imagined right now…

Now to address some of the previous posts:

my mom does help out. She just can’t be here 24/7. She has major health issues AND is in the last few weeks of planning my sister’s wedding. They are super busy but are here for me when absolutely needed. My mom tries to pop by at least once a day and does things like bring me lunch etc. She is also “on call” for emergencies, meaning she’ll drop what she’s doing and come whenever I call if I really need her.

As for medical help for me, we’ve explored many avenues. I’ve been ill since I was about 12 so none of this is new to me. And I do receive a disability pension. But it only gives a small amount of money…not extra energy or a much needed rest, lol.

As for a mother’s helper or something. Really the only place I’m struggling right now is with Lily’s nap. No one can help me there. I am ok with the rest of the day, just tired. But when she doesn’t nap it bleeds over into everything else.

Thanks to everyone for their continued prayers. I feel greedy always needing them but I’m sure they are helping!

One more thought… yes I believe a man’s career is very important. But I believe it is secondary to the vocation of husband/father. If a man feels he is fulfilling that vocation to it’s fullest that must help with that sense of accomplishment mentioned earlier? We all need improvement in certain areas and no one is perfect… but hubby, maybe God wants you to focus on your family right now? Only prayer and discernment can answer that…

I sometimes joke (ok, mostly serious) that our first vacation without Lily will need to be a Retrouvaille weekend. Our communication sucks big time. I wish we could just talk to eachother…

Malia**
 
Why are you two typing to eachother across the 'net for the entire world to see??.. apologizing, compromising, in a global forum…about things that should be “one on one”?

Asking for advise/suggestions about childcare, or “marital bumps in the road” are one thing… but systematically acknowledging problems and other issues via the Internet are another.

Find a sitter, shut the flippin’ computer off, and take some advise from your daughter Lily… “baby steps”. Talk to eachother.
 
Ok, based on what both of you have written, I would make a new recommendation. How about you both read any and all of Christopher Wests material. Oh how I wished I had all his stuff when I was first married. He is excellent at pointing out how Catholic couples should live. I have learned so much about what it is to be married that I really didn’t know. I would also say that you will get through this. Things will get better. I would still check into more medical advice. I have had some health problems for over ten years and finally found some solutions. I never dreamed how my diet was causing some of these issues. I had to eat crow big time because I used to make fun of my sister when she said red food dye caused her daughter to be hyper. I will still pray for you. I hope you know I enjoy praying for people and that saying prayers is enjoyable so you go right ahead and burden me with enjoyment.😛 During the most painful times of my life I have offered that suffering up for my marriage and that my husband would become Catholic. God has worked miracles. It is much easier to suffer if you offer it up for those you love.:hug1:
 
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