Really Depressed and in Need of Help!

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Ok, based on what both of you have written, I would make a new recommendation. How about you both read any and all of Christopher Wests material. Oh how I wished I had all his stuff when I was first married. He is excellent at pointing out how Catholic couples should live. I have learned so much about what it is to be married that I really didn’t know.

We have enjoyed what we have read of his so far. But we are short on reading time lately… and we “know” how we should act/think etc but our trouble comes in applying that knowledge.

I would also say that you will get through this. Things will get better. I would still check into more medical advice. I have had some health problems for over ten years and finally found some solutions. I never dreamed how my diet was causing some of these issues. I had to eat crow big time because I used to make fun of my sister when she said red food dye caused her daughter to be hyper.
**
I can control my symptoms to a certain degree by eating well and getting the sleep I need. Unfortunately, neither of those have been possible. So my symptoms flare and it’s one big vicious cycle.**

I will still pray for you. I hope you know I enjoy praying for people and that saying prayers is enjoyable so you go right ahead and burden me with enjoyment.

Thanks

During the most painful times of my life I have offered that suffering up for my marriage and that my husband would become Catholic. God has worked miracles. It is much easier to suffer if you offer it up for those you love.:hug1:
**
As a new Catholic, that idea is appealing but still foreign to me. I guess the more I do it the easier it will become?**

**
Ok, i am done hijacking hubby’s thread. I really want to see him get the advice and prayers he is looking for. I just wanted to answer a few direct points. We all know there are plenty of my own threads for me to post on, lol.

Malia**

 

[Truly_Beloved]

One more thought… yes I believe a man’s career is very important. But I believe it is secondary to the vocation of husband/father. If a man feels he is fulfilling that vocation to it’s fullest that must help with that sense of accomplishment mentioned earlier?

I agree that a man’s career is secondary to his roles as husband/father, and assuming he’s fulfilling those roles adequately, it sure helps to have some meaning in the day-to-day, mundane cycle of a typical job. Speaking as a stay-at-home Mom, it’s fairly easy for me to find meaning in my daily tasks, because I have the one baby glued to me the whole day, and the other one kicking every internal organ I have.

I think some people, when they feel like they’re accomplishing things at work, can better fulfill their “jobs” in other areas (spouse/parent). Ultimately, they end up having healthier, happier relationships because they feel better about themselves in their roles outside of the home (and for some of those breadwinner Dads, solely and joyfully providing for their families can do wonders for their confidence). And that’s okay.

Feanaro, I am truly sorry if I’ve taken this thread onto some wild tangent, and everything I’ve mentioned doesn’t even remotely apply to your situation (if that’s the case, I owe an apology to Malia, too ). The part of your post where you wrote about your job really struck a chord with me, and for some reason, I just couldn’t let it sit unattended.

Take care, and know that you are being prayed for.

 

[dranzal]

God has certainly been generous with His crosses for you two. I don’t know anything about Canadian healthcare. I was reading another thread of yours about Lily and thinking wouldn’t it be good to bring her to an American doc. It’s quite a long way, but you’re welcome to visit me down here in toasty south FL. Lily and Cecilia could play together.

If you could solve Lily’s issues, life would be smoother.

This, too, shall pass. Also, be careful what you wish for. I know I used to joke with dh all the time that I needed a vacation. The children were 9, 7, 5 and 2. Toddlers are notorious for getting into things and making life chaotic. Then our 2 yr old died. I got my vacation.

Remember that everything you are going through right now is part of God’s Plan for salvation. He will provide whatever you need, though you may not see it.

Now, Lily, go take a nice long nap. Good girl.

 

[vester444]

Let me first say this. You guys are going to make it.

You ARE going to make it.

You both obviously love each other very much, and honestly there are so many people that go through similar things that you are going through. Now, that may not help you when you are in the situation, but just realize you arent alone.

The ideas that other people have suggested are good - just take time and baby steps.

You are going to make it.

Vester

 

[FLCathMom]

I think some people, when they feel like they’re accomplishing things at work, can better fulfill their “jobs” in other areas (spouse/parent). Ultimately, they end up having healthier, happier relationships because they feel better about themselves in their roles outside of the home (and for some of those breadwinner Dads, solely and joyfully providing for their families can do wonders for their confidence). And that’s okay.

This is so true! For most “breadwinners,” work is where they spend the majority of their time during the waking hours, so it just makes sense. If someone is not happy at work, it is going to spill over into their personal life, whereas if they feel happy at work they can bring home that positive energy.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Pray the Rosary.

A LOT.

God bless.

 

[KCT]

I just feel useless at my job! What I really want to do is change to a different trade within the military.

I always feel badly when I hear about men who are not happy in their jobs. My husband loves his job and that has really brought home to me how important it is for men to be fulfilled in their professions. It makes them better husbands and fathers, IMO.

Do what many people on this board have suggested (at least to your dw , find a sitter and get out together.

Lily is not the first high needs child in the world. Ask your parish youth minister to pass your name and number on to some kids she thinks are responsible. Have them over to play with Lily and get to know them. (My guess is God will bless you w/ a sitter who will be good with Lily!)

If you want to take care of your wife, tell her you are getting a sitter and you are going out on a regular basis. Lily will survive.

From all the posts, it appears your world has revolved around Lily for over a year now. Sorry, but I don’t see how that’s healthy for your or Lily. —KCT

 

[hillariouslov]

I’m going through a really tough time right now and need some ideas on what to do, or just some support I guess. My wife has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. For those not familiar with these illnesses, in a nutshell they cause extreme exhaustion and pain. When it was just the two of us it wasn’t easy but we managed, my wife would just pace herself and try to deal with it as best she could. When we had our daughter that all changed. From birth she has always been an extremely demanding child. I was able to take parental leave for the first 9 months but now that I’m back to work, it all falls on my wife. Our daughter is now 14 months old and is quickly waring out my wife both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I worry about them all the time and don’t know what to do.

On top of all this there is my work. I'm an infantry soldier in the Canadian Forces. I've been doing it for approximatley 12 years and have 8 years left in the military before I can collect a pension. With my situation at home I haven't been able to deploy overseas to Afghanistan, go on any feild exercises, or basically do anything that is required of an infantry soldier. Instead I get stuck back in battalion doing joe jobs. I'm not able to progress at all because I can't go away for leadership training when I've been asked to several times. I just feel useless at my job! What I really want to do is change to a different trade within the military. Preferably air craft mechanic in the air force. This would give me a skill I could use after my military career (as the military pension is not enough to live on). I would have a meaningful job to do everyday and wouldn't be asked to deploy nearly as much as in the infantry. The problem with this is that the course I would have to take is a year long and would require a move for the whole family. Then we would have to move again when the course is over to my new posting. My wife has told me she doesn't want to move, because her family is here. However, considering our situation, her family hasn't been much help anyway! Just today my wife called me at work crying and saying she can't do this much longer...but I don't know what to do. Considering I'm only doing the minimal at work right now it's not like I can just come home whenever she calls even though I want to. Most of my family live on the other side of the country so they can't help. I just need help. I can't do everything and I have to think of our future as well as the present.

Please pray for us and any advice would be much appreciated.

PRAY TO GOD AND BELIEVE IN HIM ALWAYS, BECAUSE WE AS CHRISTAINS UNDERSTAND THAT PRAYER IS THE MASTER KEY. SEE MATHEW 4:4
GET YOUR FRIENDS TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY CAN HELP,BECAUSE THESE IS THE TIME YOU REALLY NEED THEM,PLS DON’T GO AFTER THE ONES THAT ARE… RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU.
SEE HOW MUCH YOU CAN HELP YOUR WIFE BY ENCOURAGING AND ASSISTING HER.
SOLICIT FOR FINANCIAL HELP FROM YOUR PARISH,THERE ARE CHARITABLE SOCIETIES THERE THAT COULD ALWAYS HELP,BOOK FOR MASS.
NOT MINDING HOW TOUGH THE SITUATION MIGHT BE,BE CHARITABLE YOURSELF.
ABOVE ALL, PRAY FOR THE GRACE OF GOD,BE COURAGOUS, BE PATIENT AND LET GOD BE YOUR FIRST.

PRAY FOR US, OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD; THAT WE MAY BE MADE WORTHY OF THE PROMISES OF CHRIST.

FOR GOD AND FOR YOUTH; THROUGH CHRIST.

 

[Feanaro]

I agree that a man’s career is secondary to his roles as husband/father, and assuming he’s fulfilling those roles adequately, it sure helps to have some meaning in the day-to-day, mundane cycle of a typical job. Speaking as a stay-at-home Mom, it’s fairly easy for me to find meaning in my daily tasks, because I have the one baby glued to me the whole day, and the other one kicking every internal organ I have.

I think some people, when they feel like they’re accomplishing things at work, can better fulfill their “jobs” in other areas (spouse/parent). Ultimately, they end up having healthier, happier relationships because they feel better about themselves in their roles outside of the home (and for some of those breadwinner Dads, solely and joyfully providing for their families can do wonders for their confidence). And that’s okay.

Feanaro, I am truly sorry if I’ve taken this thread onto some wild tangent, and everything I’ve mentioned doesn’t even remotely apply to your situation (if that’s the case, I owe an apology to Malia, too ). The part of your post where you wrote about your job really struck a chord with me, and for some reason, I just couldn’t let it sit unattended.

Take care, and know that you are being prayed for.

I completely agree with your post, thanks for understanding. So often we make things into an either/or thing when it should be a both/and thing. Obviously nobody on this forum would dispute the fact that when push comes to shove, family comes first. However, I agree with the fact that, especially for a man as the breadwinner, we have to be somewhat fullfilled in our work on a day to day basis. This just helps us be a better husband and father.

The other thing that I’m thinking of is our future as well. A bit of sacrifice right now would pay off big time for our future. Right now as an infantry soldier I have no comparible skills in the civilian world, and as I stated ealier, the military pension is a good supplement but not enough to live on. Transferring to an Air Force air craft mechanic would alow me to stay in the military and collect that pension, but then I could basically step into a good job for almost any airline company with the training and experience I’ll have. To me this is a no-brainer. Although I also understand that it would be hard for my wife. She has never been away from her family, whereas I’ve already had to deal with that issue. That coupled with all the stress she is already under, does seem to complicate things.

 

[RWMorris]

First, a husband’s job is extremely important. Feanaro needs to feel that his job is secure and fulfilling. (Women who work need this too.) I think Malia should not be calling her husband at work because Feanaro is unable to do anything about her problems at work, and it will distract him and make him worry more.
Second, they need to seriously look into hiring a mother’s helper or a part-time housekeeper. This is not as expensive as it may seem. Feanaro is in the military and so was my husband (retired Air Force technical sergeant). We made the decision many years ago that having outside help was crucial to our having four children. We didn’t go out to eat, we grew our own vegetables, had chickens, etc. to save money, and had a part-time housekeeper. When I went back to work fulltime, I made sure that my children had a nanny after school. It was only $150/week and she did all the cooking, cleaning, and watching the children until I could get home.
Malia needs some help with her terrible illnesses. I think someone coming in every day would help tremendously. It would take the pressure off enormously. Malia, get a teenager to come in after school for a couple of hours to help you with the baby and with housework. It won’t cost near as much as you may think.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

The other thing that I’m thinking of is our future as well. A bit of sacrifice right now would pay off big time for our future.

I thought of this very thing this morning, right after waking up. Being an infantryman won’t be as beneficial post-military as being a mechanic. So, not only would you be more fulfilled now, but you’d have more marketable skills later. For people who are the sole/main family financial providers, those are two very wise things to have!

Maybe I’m not the best person to suggest moving (I grew up in a military family, so I’m used to it ). It can be scary, especially if you’ve lived your whole life in one place, surrounded by family and friends. However, every military family should expect a few moves, since it goes with the territory. I’m honestly surprised that in the years you’ve already served, you haven’t had to move yet (we moved every 1.5-3 years, with every other move being an international one). I realize Canada may do things differently than the US, but I’m still surprised at the lack of moves.

I don’t know how long you’ve felt useless at your job, but you have my deepest sympathies… I see so much of my DH in that part of your post. I think it’s such a blessing that you have an idea of what you’d like to do (my DH is still struggling to figure it out).

God bless you and your family, and may He reveal His plan to you soon!

 

[BeeSweet]

A man’s work is his service to his family, not just his means of self-identification. Certainly a man can not go overboard, become a work-a-holic and still say he’s a good husband and father, but neither can a man who does the bare minimum and remains in a stagnant position which he knows holds no chance of a future. The former is selfish, and the latter is negligence. If a family needs to move for a short time in order to make a better living, then that’s what you need to do. It’s certainly a better compromise than full deployment overseas.

DW needs to put her faith in your judgment for your career, and do the hard thing for a little while. If she already “can’t do this much longer” then it doesn’t sound like she has much to loose. And emotional calls to a husband at work are just not acceptable behavior. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I draw a real hard line on that. Anyone who is at work should not be distracted from their work with emotional issues at home. It reflects poorly on the employee in front of their employer. An employer is certainly not going to promote anyone with that sort of baggage, they want someone who is focused on the work at hand, not on the wife and baby at home. Most employers don’t give a hoot if you have a wife and baby at all, unless they’re both on the payroll as well.

DW may be less able to accept change because of her illness. These sorts of illnesses make all of life difficult just in regular day to day living, so it stands to reason that change would be even more difficult for someone suffering from these maladies. She’s never going to be ready to jump to the next opportunity as long as she suffers with these diseases. Sometimes you have to gently take charge and tell a person you know they will suffer, and you are sorry for that, but in the end life will be better for all of you.

I pray that whatever decision you are able to accept as a family is the right decision for all of you, and that any sacrifices you have to make will bring you much success in the future.

 

[KCT]

The other thing that I’m thinking of is our future as well. A bit of sacrifice right now would pay off big time for our future . . . Transferring to an Air Force air craft mechanic would alow me to stay in the military and collect that pension, but then I could basically step into a good job for almost any airline company with the training and experience I’ll have. To me this is a no-brainer.

Hmm . . . this takes me back to the recent threads on submission, obeying husbands etc. If a husband decides that the long term benefits of a career change outweigh the short term sacrifice, what’s a wife to do? At what point does the husband have to go ahead and make a decision? —KCT

 

[Nepenthe]

Oh dear. If there’s anything I can do, I also have CFIDS/Fibromyalgia, and have for over 10 years (heck, since I lost my memory for the first, uh, 3-4 years approximately, I’m not exactly sure just HOW long I have had it ). But message me if I can be of any service. And Mirdath knows plenty about the frustration of dealing with a spouse with those illnesses, so maybe it’d be helpful to talk with both of us, separately or together.

Such a terrible disease/syndrome-constellation. At least the medical community no longer denies they exist, and acknowledges the severity of these conditions, though they remain fairly puzzled as to just what is going on. They do seem to be closing in somewhat though. Epstein-Barr has been fairly well discounted as a cause, so that’s a start! Some medics and clinical researchers do have strong suspicions, but there’s not too much conclusive work in yet. Here’s hoping no more generations need fall prey.

Again, please do message us, for anything. I’m somehow a naturally crazily-upbeat person, even in the face of (heh, especially in the face of) adversity, and if I can share that, and any tips and tricks i’ve learned over the long years, I shall gladly do so. We do not have children yet, and oh…I can just barely imagine how hard it is for you, and will be for us (should we be so fortunate).

Always remember, easy does it, even when you’re afraid to do it easy. We’re pretty well constrained that way, sadly. You do have a regular physician, I hope, and have spoken with your pediatrician?

Feanaro, you are certainly not useless, not in any way! Your love and care are what are keeping things together when your wife is having attacks. And Feanaro’s wife (kinda hard to type that out everytime, may I call you Malia?), I thoroughly agree that if you can get some help around the house that would be fantastic and would help keep you functioning to the best possible extent. I can’t say ‘don’t call your husband at work’ because I understand the panic you feel at times, very much so. Obviously don’t call constantly, but I bet he’d worry if you didn’t check in when he knows you’re not doing so hot sometimes. You can even work it out every day as he heads out – say ‘I’ll give you a ring around lunchtime, okay?’ Oh, and every now and then, a call just to tell him how awesome he is could be a good thing too.

We’ll be thinking of you!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

And emotional calls to a husband at work are just not acceptable behavior. .

**
That is your opinion but you don’t know the circumstances. Hubby comes home for lunch most days. I call sometimes when I’m having a rough morning because often he can leave just a bit earlier and be home sooner to help out. Plus, he waits for my call to tell him that Lily is awake so he can come home.

Malia**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Oh and I call his cell phone so no one else knows. He is either sitting around on the computer, shooting the breeze with the other guys, or finishing up at the gym, so I’m not taking his focus off of anything work related.

Malia
**

 

[Nepenthe]

Yeah, it does hit us hardest in the mornings, doesn’t it?

Aw though, I know this is about the toughest time for communication, what with having a very small child and all, but overall it sounds like that part is going all right on the whole. I know it sounds like forever, but a year from now the pressure really will be less, and you’ll recover and Feanaro’s work situation will improve. After all, it’d be crazy even if you weren’t sickly! :whacky:

Hm, see if maybe you can afford someone coming to your house in the mornings especially, so you can get over those harder times of pain and weakness a little bit, perhaps? It shouldn’t be TOO expensive, at least not compared to the alternative of you wearing yourself out and winding up…well, you know. And then Feanaro would be less worried too maybe? Just a thought.

 

[CatholicSam]

**
That is your opinion but you don’t know the circumstances. Hubby comes home for lunch most days. I call sometimes when I’m having a rough morning because often he can leave just a bit earlier and be home sooner to help out. Plus, he waits for my call to tell him that Lily is awake so he can come home.

Malia**

Let me tell you that if emotional calls to a husband at work are unacceptable, I’m guilty too! And I don’t have half of the difficulties you do. I try not to be too disruptive, but when one of the kids has a little accident or if I get some upsetting news, it is wonderful to be able to call my hubby for a minute and get some support. We are a team, and we are blessed that his work is such that I *can *call when I need to. Don’t feel bad about that, Malia. I also call when the kids do something incredible cute and/or funny

 

[CatholicSam]

And emotional calls to a husband at work are just not acceptable behavior. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I draw a real hard line on that. Anyone who is at work should not be distracted from their work with emotional issues at home.

:tsktsk: Be nice! Maybe *you *would reprimand your employee for that, but thank goodness I have known many, many employers who are a lot kinder than that. I don’t know where you live, but your culture definitely doesn’t sound like the mainstream American culture where employees often bring their families in to visit the office, talk about their families with their coworkers, etc.

 

[kage_ar]

I and my upline managers stress the importance of family to our teams. Maybe BeeSweet has had an experience with someone abusing the system, sitting on the phone all day long ignorning work for the sake of personal calls… but, that does not seem to be the case here.