Really Depressed and in Need of Help!

[KCtheMommy]

Hey there! I haven’t read the rest of the thread, so I am just winging it here from your original post.

I do not claim to be a doctor, a therapist or a psychiatrist, but I do read a lot – try to stay on top of current news – what not. I understand (and I could be wrong) that both of the “issues” you describe have been attached to mental issues – specifically: chronic, severe depression. Is your wife taking medications such as anti-depressents? Either way, FM causes severe pain right? So if she is on a serantonin inhibitor it will reduce pain, as chronic pain drains serantonin – leading to fatigue, mood swings, and of course – more severe pain. If she’s not on meds, I suggest you highly recommend she does. I have chronic pain (wicked scoliosis + a metal plate in my neck and shoulder damage from a car accident.), and was taking Zoloft for physiological reason’s: wow did that HELP! I am off of it for now as I am pregnant. So now I have a lot of pain and I am one MOODY momma!

Onto what you should do about your career. I find it admirable to try and do better things for your family – especially concerning the future. It’s a GREAT idea to go into the Air Force. I understand she doesn’t “want” to move. I am a Navy wife and I often don’t WANT to move either. But I do. It’s something that happens when your husband is military, period. I suck it up. We are back in CA now because I needed a back and neck surgery, and here is where the best doctor for the job is. I actually fought hard to make that happen at our last base, or we were going to have to stay put. My DH really liked the last place and wants to go back (as do I) but it turns out it was better for him in the long run. Our friend went to shore duty at our last base and says it’s absolutely HORRIBLE. Hey touche!

The thing is – something MUST change in your life. Obviously. You are unhappy, your wife is unhappy, and pretty soon your baby girl is going to be unhappy. You are feeling the call to make a change for the better of you all and your wife is giving resistance, but to what end? I am sure that the idea of a move with all that pain and sleepiness is a wary thought. BUT it might make all the difference in the world – because if she has a new home to set up and things to do it may make her feel better.

You know what? I’ll just say a prayer that your wife considers what is really best for the family she has created - and join you to make things better. I’ll pray that she get’s superb medical treatment and feels better soon. I’ll pray that she see’s the “could be worse” scenario – and realize if you were in the US military there would be no WAY you would get 9 months off for paternal leave, and certainly not be “undeployable” because of FM and CFS…if it was deemed your wife had medical issues enough to keep you home, you would not be useful to the military. You would only be allowed to stay in 18 months - have the medical treated as best as possible in that time, then promptly be handed your walking papers. I am saying a prayer that it all works out for your family. You have already done so much for your wife and daughter.

I really hope you join the Air Force.

 

[FredaR]

Feanaro (and wife),

I happen to live near you guys (judging from what is listed as your location).

I would like to extend an offer to babysit if you ever need a break or need time for just the two of you. I have three children so far and I run a dayhome, so I have lots of toys and other children to play with.

Also, the public health offices here can put moms who need help in touch with a respite service (a friend of mine with post partum depression was offered this). They will watch the baby, cook, clean, pretty much whatever you need. Has Lily’s public health nurse offered this to you?

I hope this is helpful,
Freda

 

[KCtheMommy]

WOW I wish I had read the thread before posting.

I hope you guys can come to some kind of even ground. Prayers with all of you.

 

[BeeSweet]

**Oh and I call his cell phone so no one else knows. He is either sitting around on the computer, shooting the breeze with the other guys, or finishing up at the gym, so I’m not taking his focus off of anything work related.

Malia
**

That’s an assumption that I personally would never make.

:tsktsk: Be nice! Maybe *you *would reprimand your employee for that, but thank goodness I have known many, many employers who are a lot kinder than that. I don’t know where you live, but your culture definitely doesn’t sound like the mainstream American culture where employees often bring their families in to visit the office, talk about their families with their coworkers, etc.

I’m in Houston, the fourth largest city in the US, and also the most culturally diverse and the most cosmopolitan city in the US. It is my own employers, and my husband’s employers who do not give promotions and raises to people with emotional baggage. I worked in the computer industry until 2006, and my husband works in the oil industry in engineering. I was a customer service supervisor, and often had to interview people for open positions. It was said to me directly by my business director that certain candidates would not be acceptable due to their having mentioned concerns they had at home during an interview, just the mere mention of a sick family member was cause to not hire someone for fear their priorities would not be focused on their job, but instead on their home concerns. I had several people under me, and I was personally very lenient with employees missing hours, or making and receiving personal phone calls, honestly I never reprimanded a soul of my own choice. But I had to explain to my business director whenever he noticed something. He was the boss, and he held the purse strings and the promotions. I was briefed prior to all my employee reviews and given his list of grievances prior to me giving my review. Admittedly I had a rather demanding job. I was issued a laptop computer and cell phone, I was often called in my off hours, I was even called on Christmas Eve morning one year. I had many late evening conference calls with Asia. So, no it wasn’t necessarily “mainstream” I’d guess, but it was a very desirable job with good benefits and many challenges. There was no shortage of candidates who would have jumped at the chance to be my replacement. In fact, the whole job was taken to China where my replacement may very well actually live in a barracks on site, the only consideration for their family being a paycheck. I’m not saying any of that is right, just that it is…

When a wife or any family member or even friend distracts someone while they are at work, and it comes to the attention of their supervisor, it could very well come to the attention of the supervisor’s supervisor, and on up the chain. This is seriously detrimental to a persons work reputation. I’m very sorry this has struck a chord with several posters here, that’s why in my post I said I knew it sounded harsh. It’s a harsh world, and that’s why we have an obligation to not make things difficult for our spouses at work.

Certainly we all talk about our families with each other, the problem arises when problems at home are brought into the workplace. It’s inappropriate to burden your spouse with home issues / problems when they are work. A grocery list, a call to ask when you’re coming home, that’s all fine, but emotional outbursts should be kept at home. The OP said, “Just today my wife called me at work crying and saying she can’t do this much longer…but I don’t know what to do.” That’s honestly too much, and it’s so very inconsiderate to your spouse to do such a thing. That phone call could very well be the reason he came here and started this thread in the first place.

Again, I know this is a harsh view. I worked for ten years in an extremely demanding position, this is just my experience talking, and my reasons for why I would never make a call like the one the OP received. Please don’t take this so much to heart. If we were in person I guarantee you would know I’m sympathetic. This is just my advice given from my experience.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Oh dear. If there’s anything I can do, I also have CFIDS/Fibromyalgia, and have for over 10 years (heck, since I lost my memory for the first, uh, 3-4 years approximately, I’m not exactly sure just HOW long I have had it ). But message me if I can be of any service. And Mirdath knows plenty about the frustration of dealing with a spouse with those illnesses, so maybe it’d be helpful to talk with both of us, separately or together.

We’ll be thinking of you!

**Please PM me

Malia
**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

That’s an assumption that I personally would never make.

.

**
Neither would I. It is what he tells me. On days I know he is busy I don’t call unless he tells me I can.

malia**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**As for me not “wanting” to move, it is something we are discussing. But when we first married we had an agreement not to move so this has taken me by surprise. Plus, I think we both need to put more thought into our future. Hubby just put in for a transfer to military firefighter. I had just gotten used to that idea when he springs this on me. Not once before has there ever been any mention of mechanics (airline or otherwise). I fear it may be a decision out of desperation and boredom and not fully thought through. THAT is what we need to talk about.

Plus, with lily and my illnesses I really don’t think moving away from my family (unless it was to his) would be helpful at all. I am isolated enough as it is now due to my limitations.

Malia**

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Hi,
All I can contribute is a suggestion to maybe just both of you set aside a time to talk with each other about your future, laying everything out, trying to think of the others needs as much as possible. and not worrying too much about all of our opinions on here since anyways you both know your situation better. From what I have gotten to know you both from reading your posts etc on here it seems you both have big hearts and a loving relationship that may have gone through a lot but are both caring people. If you both try to seek what is best for your marriage/family taking in consideration both short and long term effects, always keeping the right hierarchy of values, trying to look at everything from the other’s point of view and of course praying a lot, you will figure out what to do.

I really don’t have much advice like you’ve noticed, but I was just thinking if you do end up thinking about the moving away route, maybe you can call the local parishes and explain your situation and see if there is someone there that could help you (Malia) out, especially at first. If you decide you cannot move, are there any other career options that can be done from your area or at least with a reasonable commute?
About agreements before marriage, sometimes we have to change them due to unforseen circumstances. My husband and I had made Christmas arrangements before marriage and the first holiday we had to change it. I was supposed to go back to my hometown for the holidays, the last ones my brother was going to be home for in a while, and due to changes in his job we were unable to do it, and so now I have not seen my brother since I moved away after the wedding and he has not met my babies. There are other things we had agreed upon that we have had to change because of unexpected twists in life.
Pray for peace and understanding as you talk about this, it sounds like a tough situation to figure out, but God will help you out as you keep Him active in your discernment.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Just my two cents:

Yes, a husband’s vocation is always first to his wife and family. But a wife’s vocation is always first to her husband and family, too. Part of being a husband is being a provider, so enabling him to do that in the most enjoyable way possible while still keeping the family thriving in the long-term should be the goal. I have seen in my own marriage that the more I support my husband in following his lucrative passions - by working in a demanding, fast-paced field - not only is he fulfilled, but it comes back to me in spades. He feels respected, trusted, admired and capable. He just got a gigantic promotion at work and he’s on cloud nine about it. He loves that I’m proud of him and he loves that I recognize his efforts at supporting our family. I notice that when he feels successful at what he’s called to do for our family, he is even more generous with helping me succeed at my own vocation - being the heart of the home. This includes lots of practical help, both around the house and with shared parenting, but also a lot of emotional and physical connecting. We take regular dates, at least once a month - by using a nanny service of pre-screened sitters. It’s expensive but worth it. We will do this more often as she continues to get older. We give each other breaks, we rest together, we play together, we talk to one another. Sometimes it takes a lot of creativity.

Hubby has had a second job (consulting in his field) throughout our marriage intermittently. I have numerous health issues myself, though different then Malia’s, but have to do with chronic pain as the result of previous accidents and injuries. We don’t have any family to help at all. He has recently started his own business on the side of the other two jobs. It all requires a LOT of time - but we constantly use the word ‘balance’ in our marriage. God first, marriage second, baby third and all else is after that. Our dd has had her share of issues over the last year and a half, including some health stuff that causes a lot of stress and worry. I think I shared on another thread about keeping a mental checklist of all in my life that needs to be balanced - my needs as an individual and our needs as a couple, along with my duties as a wife and mother. It really helps.

I know Malia has said she has been down the road of counselors before and been unimpressed, but I just encourage either of you to go - separately or together, and get some perspective and guidance. Even if there isn’t a chemical imbalance originally, when one deals with situations or circumstances that lend toward stress and anxiety on a consistent basis - a chemical balance can occur and might need short-term treatment to right the balance. I am not implying that either of you have that happening right now, but it’s something worth exploring. Plus, when one is isolated, it can seem very lonely and as if whatever one is going through is abnormal.

Babies and toddlers are just TOUGH. They are SO HARD, and unpredictable, and it’s doubly hard when you believe that you’ve been handed a tougher cross to bear then most in raising one. However, I do sometimes find myself reading either of your posts and wondering when one of you will call ‘when.’ Like, enough is enough, we have to get out of survival mode! And go out for a date, or get back to mass, or seek out a therapist, or get a mother’s helper, or get a housekeeper, or let hubby change job direction, or find a playgroup for Lily (does she have a chance to be around other babies or toddlers? after she gets used to it and warms up, you might get a break just from her having the interaction)… etc. Life can seem really bleak when there isn’t anything but survival in mind. There is so much joy to be had! I pray you find some in each other once again.

We have had to come to terms with having literally no family, and the solution to that is to create one for ourselves by building relationships elsewhere. It might look daunting to move and think ‘we won’t have family!’ But… we never know how long our family is around to stay, anyway. Through moving, illness, death, etc., sometimes the people we depend on are taken away from us. You WILL make friends elsewhere. Lily will grow up and probably go to school one day, and if she doesn’t and you homeschool, there will still be homeschooling groups and church groups and other various things that will enable you to be a member of the community.

I know when I’m feeling negative or overwhelmed, it’s really hard to think positively. So that’s when I start counting my blessings. God has been sooooo good to both of you! Nine months of parental leave is unheard of in the US. Hubby getting to come home for lunch almost every day is a wonderful opportunity to connect. You have a healthy, spirited baby girl. The two of you are keeping pace with the challenges thrown your way, and haven’t given up on each other or your marriage.

 

[CatholicSam]

It was said to me directly by my business director that certain candidates would not be acceptable due to their having mentioned concerns they had at home during an interview, just the mere mention of a sick family member was cause to not hire someone for fear their priorities would not be focused on their job, but instead on their home concerns.

Those people are better off with a kinder employer anyway, IMHO. They have enough stress to deal with a sick family member as it is without adding an unreasonable boss to boot! :nope: As for me, if I ever were in the position to screen job candidates, those who show that their jobs are *not *their first priority, but rather place God and family first, would be higher on my “to-hire” list! Those whose 1st priorities truly are the job would send me the message that their lives are unbalanced and even unhealthy.

 

[mrsfrazier]

I think some people, when they feel like they’re accomplishing things at work, can better fulfill their “jobs” in other areas (spouse/parent). Ultimately, they end up having healthier, happier relationships because they feel better about themselves in their roles outside of the home (and for some of those breadwinner Dads, solely and joyfully providing for their families can do wonders for their confidence). And that’s okay.

 

[mrsfrazier]

It was said to me directly by my business director that certain candidates would not be acceptable due to their having mentioned concerns they had at home during an interview, just the mere mention of a sick family member was cause to not hire someone for fear their priorities would not be focused on their job, but instead on their home concerns.

This is illegal, I hope you might report your superiors someday so that proper action can be taken. “Emotional Baggage” is part of having a family and a life.

 

[BeeSweet]

This is illegal, I hope you might report your superiors someday so that proper action can be taken. “Emotional Baggage” is part of having a family and a life.

It is certainly not illegal to not hire a person based on concerns that the candidate will not be dedicated to their work due to home issues. It is also not illegal to pass over such candidates for promotions and raises based on such concerns. It is illegal to fire someone for such concerns, but it is not illegal to not choose someone because you do not feel they will be ready to fulfill the necessary job requirements. The employee who was finally chosen was by far the best candidate interviewed, and was eager to go above and beyond what was necessary. Emotional baggage is part of having a family and a life, but it is not part of having your job. Your job is necessary to support your family and life, so emotional baggage should be contained and kept where it belongs: at home.

 

[Siena]

Feanaro-

Is there a chance that a desire to take control of your life somewhere, anywhere is also at the root of this? (I know I do that very frequently with my dh, who also has (finally) been diagnosed with fibromyalsia.)

It would seem that so much you are dealing with right now is out of your control. You can’t make Malia feel better, you can’t get Lily to nap, you can’t even be home all the time to help anymore. You must be desperate for something, anything you can do to make things better.

This job opportunity is the 1 thing that IS within your control. You can plan for a better future. The only thing you can seem to do to help Malia and Lily right now is to provide for them. This would seem to be (for you) a better way you can do that.

Now, if this is the case, would your family be better served right now if you were to move, with all it’s unknowns? -Or stay there, where the problems are hard, but known?

Now, Malia, I know he said he wouldn’t move you, but he had no true way of knowing what would be his family’s needs and problems so far into the future. Please cut him some slack on this one, he is trying to do anything he can to help you guys, and maybe this move would be for the best? Please pray on it.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Now, Malia, I know he said he wouldn’t move you, but he had no true way of knowing what would be his family’s needs and problems so far into the future. Please cut him some slack on this one, he is trying to do anything he can to help you guys, and maybe this move would be for the best? Please pray on it.

**I know. I was just pointing out that this is something I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with, NOT that it wouldn’t ever happen. But it is a huge deal to me and not something I can’t just say “ok, sure, whatever” to right away. I need to know that it would actually be what’s best for us and not just another decision that wasn’t thought through well enough (something hubby and I have both been guilty of too many times to count).

Malia**

 

[Siena]

**I know. I was just pointing out that this is something I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with, NOT that it wouldn’t ever happen… I need to know that it would actually be what’s best for us …
**

Ok- I understand.

Thats the point of praying on it though- ask the Lord for a clear sign, 1 way or another. Ask dh to pray over it as well. (I’ll join you. )

My point was to make sure his desire is not rooted MOSTLY in a need to take control of a situation combined with a desire to DO something to “help”. That would make a decision to move right now based in emotion and not reason. It would then need to be evaluated even more carefully.

---

Oh- and as for writing tense, easily argued subjects to each other instead of speaking about them, dh and I did this for about 6 months. (I would write at night, after he had gone to bed, and he would respond in the morning before going to work while I was still sleeping.) It was the best thing we ever did. (And the only thing that kept our marriage together at the time, IMHO.)

 

[wifenmommy]

To: Feanaro’ Wife (I know that this is hubby’s thread~sorry for hijacking!!! )

**

One more thought… yes I believe a man’s career is very important. But I believe it is secondary to the vocation of husband/father. If a man feels he is fulfilling that vocation to it’s fullest that must help with that sense of accomplishment mentioned earlier? We all need improvement in certain areas and no one is perfect… but hubby, maybe God wants you to focus on your family right now? Only prayer and discernment can answer that.**

Now this is a slippery slope…Please read this post and know that it was written with all Christian kindness behind it. Sometime we need to be told something that is obvious… Yes, your husband has a vocation as a husband and father. Part of that vocation as a hubby/father is providing for his family-that of which he is trying to do. It really does not seem that he is “ditching” yall to chase his carreer. You have health issues, I understand that but your dh needs to provide for the baby and yourself…correct?? How can he do both?? Some type of compromise must be met regarding yours and Lily’s care and him being able to work. How can he focus on his family (truth be told I am sure that the family is always his focus!) and still be able to provide an income. You must seriously consider compromise and sacrafice on your part to make this work. In a perfect world he would be able to be there every second of the day for you, but it is not a perfect one so you must not expect that. Previous posters mentioned getting a “mother’s helper” and I would strongly suggest you do so. Your dh has a heavy burden (as all dh’s!!) , moreso than most it seems…Please try on finding something that works that does not require your dh having to choose between providing and being there all the time. How blessed you were that your hubby was able to be with you after the birth of your child for 9 months!!! Not many new mommies have had that blessing!! Dd was born on a Friday, and dh HAD to be back at work on Monday. I accepted that and “offered it up” as I would have LOVED for him to stay home from work for a week. But I understood that it was essential for him to go back to work so we could stay afloat financially. Just reading from your previous posts, it seems (I may be wrong here…) that you may be overly anxious in some aspects. If that is the case, please take this advice from a formerly over anxious mommy~Everything does not have to be perfect all the time and (my mom told me this one and it is SO TRUE!!) babies can pick up on a parents nervousness and will become nervous (or aggitated, fussy, ect…) also. God Bless you and know that He is always with you!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Sometimes different locations bring benefits… new doctors with alternative or innovative ways of treating things, family support groups on some bases that can help take off the pressure and help you to feel less isolated. And if this provides long-term possibilities for lucrative employment, it may be a good thing.

In ten years will you look back and wonder how differently your life would have gone if you had made the leap into the void? Would you be sorry you had stayed with the known and unpleasant or wondered if something better might have happened if you had let go and moved?

Sometimes we have to remember God cannot fill our hands with something better unless we let go of that which we are clutching.

What you are doing now is clearly not working for you all. Maybe your answers lie elsewhere. Pray on it.

 

[TraditionalCath]

I’m going through a really tough time right now and need some ideas on what to do, or just some support I guess. My wife has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. For those not familiar with these illnesses, in a nutshell they cause extreme exhaustion and pain. When it was just the two of us it wasn’t easy but we managed, my wife would just pace herself and try to deal with it as best she could. When we had our daughter that all changed. From birth she has always been an extremely demanding child. I was able to take parental leave for the first 9 months but now that I’m back to work, it all falls on my wife. Our daughter is now 14 months old and is quickly waring out my wife both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I worry about them all the time and don’t know what to do.

On top of all this there is my work. I'm an infantry soldier in the Canadian Forces. I've been doing it for approximatley 12 years and have 8 years left in the military before I can collect a pension. With my situation at home I haven't been able to deploy overseas to Afghanistan, go on any feild exercises, or basically do anything that is required of an infantry soldier. Instead I get stuck back in battalion doing joe jobs. I'm not able to progress at all because I can't go away for leadership training when I've been asked to several times. I just feel useless at my job! What I really want to do is change to a different trade within the military. Preferably air craft mechanic in the air force. This would give me a skill I could use after my military career (as the military pension is not enough to live on). I would have a meaningful job to do everyday and wouldn't be asked to deploy nearly as much as in the infantry. The problem with this is that the course I would have to take is a year long and would require a move for the whole family. Then we would have to move again when the course is over to my new posting. My wife has told me she doesn't want to move, because her family is here. However, considering our situation, her family hasn't been much help anyway! Just today my wife called me at work crying and saying she can't do this much longer...but I don't know what to do. Considering I'm only doing the minimal at work right now it's not like I can just come home whenever she calls even though I want to. Most of my family live on the other side of the country so they can't help. I just need help. I can't do everything and I have to think of our future as well as the present.

Please pray for us and any advice would be much appreciated.

is it possible that the outfit your with can provide some sort of home care for your wife? is it possible that one of her family members can move in and help take care of the child while your at work? what about contacting social agencies to see if there are volunteer organizations that can come on and help your wife out?
what about someone at your church? have you contacted any type of catholic services? get in touch with alberta works and see if there is some kind of daycare ( in home care ) that they know of or have.

 

[ThereseMarie]

Hello. I, like your wife, am also a stay at home Mommy. When I retired from being a doctor to be home with my little ones, I felt useless and isolated from the world. Then I began going to Adoration in the wee early morning hours 3 times a week. I was crying, begging Jesus to change my life for the better. As time passed, I can definitely say that He answered my every request. It didn’t happen immediately, but it most assuredly happened. I am in awe of His mercy.

Have you thought about trying to find an Adoration hour? I have heard so many people talk about the blessings they receive once they started this devotion.

I will pray for your little family in front of the Blessed Sacrament this Friday. I know it will get better for you all!

Peace,