Really Depressed and in Need of Help!

[mrsfrazier]

It is certainly not illegal to not hire a person based on concerns that the candidate will not be dedicated to their work due to home issues. It is also not illegal to pass over such candidates for promotions and raises based on such concerns. It is illegal to fire someone for such concerns, but it is not illegal to not choose someone because you do not feel they will be ready to fulfill the necessary job requirements. The employee who was finally chosen was by far the best candidate interviewed, and was eager to go above and beyond what was necessary. Emotional baggage is part of having a family and a life, but it is not part of having your job. Your job is necessary to support your family and life, so emotional baggage should be contained and kept where it belongs: at home.

What you are describing here is perhaps an employee who is emotionally unstable and truly unqualified for a position. What you described earlier sounded like people with normal commitments to their families being turned down because they might have to take an occasional day off for family reasons. The latter would be discrimination, IMO.

I agree that emotional baggage should not harm work performance, but I think the way the businesses expect workers to completely separate work and family and to put work first always is one of the major problems in our society today, and part of the reason that the family is no longer respected as the foundation of society. I feel sorry for you that your work environment is like this.

 

[kage_ar]

It is certainly not illegal to not hire a person based on concerns that the candidate will not be dedicated to their work due to home issues. It is also not illegal to pass over such candidates for promotions and raises based on such concerns. It is illegal to fire someone for such concerns, but it is not illegal to not choose someone because you do not feel they will be ready to fulfill the necessary job requirements. The employee who was finally chosen was by far the best candidate interviewed, and was eager to go above and beyond what was necessary. Emotional baggage is part of having a family and a life, but it is not part of having your job. Your job is necessary to support your family and life, so emotional baggage should be contained and kept where it belongs: at home.

Not to sidetrack the thread more - however, managers who are well trained by HR professionals understand the legal issues. During an interview, if a canidate brings up personal/children/health/religious issues - it is advised the interviewer lay down pen and set any note paper aside so it is clear and apparent that this information plays NO PART in the hiring decision. The interviewer is to get the conversation back on track of what is proper to be discussed in an interview.

 

[crenfro]

Don’t know much about the Canadian Army, but I wondered if there are any social agencies within your armed forces that can help with your wife and child, or any sort of disability you can qualify for…or any family members you haven’t yet considered, or friends, who can help…

Have you written to either/both of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia organizations who might have some suggestions for you?

God bless you.

 

[BeeSweet]

What you are describing here is perhaps an employee who is emotionally unstable and truly unqualified for a position. What you described earlier sounded like people with normal commitments to their families being turned down because they might have to take an occasional day off for family reasons. The latter would be discrimination, IMO.

I agree that emotional baggage should not harm work performance, but I think the way the businesses expect workers to completely separate work and family and to put work first always is one of the major problems in our society today, and part of the reason that the family is no longer respected as the foundation of society. I feel sorry for you that your work environment is like this.

Keep your pity I’m a stay at home mom now, and glad glad glad to be! It brings tears to my eyes even considering myself working in that demanding, fast paced environment while still having to take care of my son and husband. I thank God every day that I have a husband who fully supports my staying at home and working this vocation rather than the job I had in that extremely competitive environment. I don’t even want to imagine going back to it now that we have a family. So much more the reason I feel the way that I do about keeping my work troubles to myself, at least until he gets home and can help.

Not to sidetrack the thread more - however, managers who are well trained by HR professionals understand the legal issues. During an interview, if a canidate brings up personal/children/health/religious issues - it is advised the interviewer lay down pen and set any note paper aside so it is clear and apparent that this information plays NO PART in the hiring decision. The interviewer is to get the conversation back on track of what is proper to be discussed in an interview.

That advise is given by HR to protect the employer from being sued for discrimination, not for any benefit to the person coming in for the interview. I don’t recall if any mention were made of such during the particular case I have in mind, it was several years ago now. I can assure you myself and my superiors were all trained in exactly what you’re speaking of, and it was not to protect the prospective employees, it was to protect the company. There are cases of people who call in fake interviews just to create an opportunity to sue.

The point is that we live in an extremely competitive society, and every consideration should be given to our spouses who go out into it to make a living. Our support of them in their efforts may be the key to making them the most valuable employee their employer has!

 

[mrsfrazier]

Keep your pity I’m a stay at home mom now, and glad glad glad to be!



There are cases of people who call in fake interviews just to create an opportunity to sue.

There really are some dishonest people in the world!

The point is that we live in an extremely competitive society, and every consideration should be given to our spouses who go out into it to make a living. Our support of them in their efforts may be the key to making them the most valuable employee their employer has!

*I agree. Sometimes I wonder how my husband does it!

Malia and Feanaro–I hope you can come to a compromise that allows you both to feel safe and comfortable and gives you some much-needed relief!*

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

It really does not seem that he is “ditching” yall to chase his carreer. You have health issues, I understand that but your dh needs to provide for the baby and yourself…correct?? How can he do both??
**
He IS doing both right now. I never once thought he was “ditching” us to chase his career. And I know he is trying to figure out what’s best for us as a family.**

Some type of compromise must be met regarding yours and Lily’s care and him being able to work. How can he focus on his family (truth be told I am sure that the family is always his focus!) and still be able to provide an income. You must seriously consider compromise and sacrafice on your part to make this work.

Honestly, with what little info that has been given on this thread, I don’t understand how you come to these conclusions. I compromise and sacrifice all of the time. It is necessary in marriage. He is working right now. He is caring for us. He sees a need to change it. We need to discuss and and see what will work for us as a family on all levels.

In a perfect world he would be able to be there every second of the day for you, but it is not a perfect one so you must not expect that.
**
Wow. Where does it say that I expect him to be here 24/7? I don’t expect that.**

Previous posters mentioned getting a “mother’s helper” and I would strongly suggest you do so. Your dh has a heavy burden (as all dh’s!!) , moreso than most it seems…Please try on finding something that works that does not require your dh having to choose between providing and being there all the time.
**
He doesn’t have to choose. he is doing both right now. Would I like to win the lottery so he COULD be home all the time? Sure, but so would he!!!**

How blessed you were that your hubby was able to be with you after the birth of your child for 9 months!!! Not many new mommies have had that blessing!! Dd was born on a Friday, and dh HAD to be back at work on Monday. I accepted that and “offered it up” as I would have LOVED for him to stay home from work for a week. But I understood that it was essential for him to go back to work so we could stay afloat financially.
**
I have always recognized what a blessing it was to have him home on parental leave and that his job is flexible enough so that he can help me out now. But all of this was part of our discernment about even attempting to have a family. If he was the type that had to work long hours and not be able to help out then our decision may have been different.**

Just reading from your previous posts, it seems (I may be wrong here…) that you may be overly anxious in some aspects. If that is the case, please take this advice from a formerly over anxious mommy~Everything does not have to be perfect all the time
**
I never expect perfection. I try my best to roll with the punches. My health sucks, my house isn’t clean or neat, sometimes my DD is in PJ’s all day…so what? I can’t waste energy on expecting perfection. I just don’t have any to spare.

I don’t know how to make this any clearer to all of you reading this thread. I have been having a really hard time dealing with Lily’s NAPS. Not everything. It has been an extremely difficult 14 months. I am sleep deprived and full of pain. Everyone has their limit. I hit mine and reached out to DH. I don’t see the crime.

Since then i have given up on naps for now. I just don’t have it in me. I am still trying to figure things out. We both are. Hubby asked for some specific advice and support. I don’t think he’s received it.

Malia
**

 

[dulcissima]

I really don’t have any practical advice for the two of you since I have no experience with your particular set of circumstances. Just, I do know what it is like to have too much on your plate, day after day after day with no end in sight. I try to think about it as being in training, you know like how those baseball players practice swinging several bats at once, building up their strength. Then when they finally get up there to swing with just one bat it is so easy in comparison. Then they can hit it out of the park. Kind of like if you’ve been walking around in concrete shoes and one day you finally get to take them off. You would feel like you were walking on air.

Just hang on there. One day you are just going to be smiling and feeling good, radiating happiness everywhere you go. Lily is not going to be little and so dependent forever. One day her independence is going to be a good thing, not a struggle. In the meantime, just try to find the peace that comes with knowing that the day will come in knowing that all will be well and life will be more manageable. Really.

Praying for you both…

 

[leonie]

I think in a decade or so, you will look back on these years as wonderfully spiritually fruitful ones.

Just, look, you are learning humility, patience, poverty (dependence on God), selflessness, and joy in suffering.

My marital advice (may be politically incorrect):

To Feanaro, pray about what to do and then take steps towards it. Sometimes, working towards a goal takes you in all sorts of directions just because of the momentum

To Malia, let him make his career decisions and support him 100%. If he makes a mistake, that’s okay. It’ll do more for your marriage to see how much you support him than damage from any missteps.

*And, I am not implying that you don’t support him. * I’m sure you do. Please don’t get defensive.

I’m just sharing wisdom from my own marriage. Sometimes my husband makes decisions that I don’t think are wise, but I back him up (as long as it’s not immoral). I think we wives need to constantly evaluating if we are backing our husbands as much as we should.

And, Malia, I wonder if you should try not to comment on Feanaro’s threads. I don’t know if you realized it, but you’ve posted more his thread than he has.

God bless you both. With love, Leonie

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

And, Malia, I wonder if you should try not to comment on Feanaro’s threads. I don’t know if you realized it, but you’ve posted more his thread than he has.

God bless you both. With love, Leonie

**I know I have and was going to keep my nose out of it… but I felt I had to clear up some facts. Many posters addressed me directly as well. Hubby knows, obviously, that I am posting here too and is fine with it. Hubby can’t post on here from work…he can read it but can’t post so I’m sure he would like to respond more and will when he finds the time here at home.

I won’t be posting here anymore so if someone has a comment/advice directed at me, please PM me. I would really like this thread to be about my hubby finding support and advice!

Malia**

 

[wifenmommy]

I think in a decade or so, you will look back on these years as wonderfully spiritually fruitful ones.

Just, look, you are learning humility, patience, poverty (dependence on God), selflessness, and joy in suffering.

My marital advice (may be politically incorrect):

To Feanaro, pray about what to do and then take steps towards it. Sometimes, working towards a goal takes you in all sorts of directions just because of the momentum

To Malia, let him make his career decisions and support him 100%. If he makes a mistake, that’s okay. It’ll do more for your marriage to see how much you support him than damage from any missteps.

*And, I am not implying that you don’t support him. * I’m sure you do. Please don’t get defensive.

I’m just sharing wisdom from my own marriage. Sometimes my husband makes decisions that I don’t think are wise, but I back him up (as long as it’s not immoral). I think we wives need to constantly evaluating if we are backing our husbands as much as we should.

And, Malia, I wonder if you should try not to comment on Feanaro’s threads. I don’t know if you realized it, but you’ve posted more his thread than he has.

God bless you both. With love, Leonie

Great advice~ I second that.

 

[wifenmommy]

Just thought of this…from the title of your post maybe you should seek professional advice (since you have not recieved advice and support on this public forum)…

 

[Truly_Beloved]

I would like to apologize for my participation in the thread without offering helpful advice and support. My intention was to help, but I realize that oftentimes, intentions aren’t enough.

I really am sorry that I couldn’t be helpful, and ask forgiveness from both of you.
Thank you.

Take care & God bless ~