Really don't want a big family!

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SBryndy729

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Sorry…I actually posted this in another thread but could use advice!

Here is my issue: I dread having a large family, like DREAD it. I have a 12 month old whom I of course love, but I can’t enjoy him because I keep thinking “I have to have 8 more of these?!” I struggle with anxiety, and I have been consumed by this since getting married. I haven’t even been married two years and I am already 4 months pregnant with our second. At this rate, I’ll have 7 kids at least by the time I’m 40 and the thought depresses me to no end.

I never wanted a large family, I didn’t even really want kids but of course “I fell and love” and thought I could do anything for my husband I love so much. I wasn’t even familiar with the no contraception mentality until I met my husband…I guess I didn’t really ponder it enough because now that I’m living it, I’m almost questioning if I got my vocation wrong.

Unfortunately, my husband is a pretty awesome Catholic and I am trying…I really am. I pray about this issue almost everyday and ask God to please help me to love motherhood, but nothing yet. Again, I love my son but I spend my days looking forward to alone time and times when people don’t need me…and I only have one kid so far!

So what then? Am I just selfish or is it possible not every woman has this innate desire to be a mother? My husband asked me not too long ago if there is any part of me that wants a big family and I answered no; more confidently than I have ever answered anything in my life. I am fairly obedient and understand the vow I took when I got married, so I will do my best to be as open to life as possible…but if I’m miserable along the way, is that really what’s best for my family?
 
I didn’t want any kids, either. Snot-nosed brats.

Now I have six.

Wow, I love them all to death, and they’re the best thing that’s happened to me.

Man was I wrong. Good thing I didn’t rely on my own “wisdom” on the matter.

🙂
 
You are very normal for not wanting a big family. Not everyone does. And I know I can’t really speak to your situation since I have no kids. However, I can speak to the fear of the future.

Often we spend a lot of time worrying about the future that we miss out on today (I am an expert on that:D). And the truth is, just because you got pregnant twice in 2 years of marriage is not an indication of the future. I knew a non Catholic woman who had a kid when she was about 22. She figured, she would have no problem getting pregnant again so she put off having her second kid for a couple of years. Needless to say she was quite shocked when it took almost 4 years to get pregnant again. Point of the story, no one know the future.

Also, I know it is very wearing to have one kid depend on you 24 hours a day. But…sometimes older kids love to take care of younger ones. I have often seen a baby cry and their 3 year old sibling run and get them a toy or try to calm them. I am sure that allows mom to finish what she is doing before going to see what is wrong

Angie
 
Note: one can use NFP to limit the number of children one has (if one’s spouse agrees).
 
I know this isn’t popular in " breast is best " mentality, but maybe you should stop nursing around six months and let your cycle return. It may make it easier to space your kids if you can track your cycles without nursing.
 
Rose74 said:
I know this isn’t popular in " breast is best " mentality, but maybe you should stop nursing around six months and let your cycle return. It may make it easier to space your kids if you can track your cycles without nursing.
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Yes; I could tell my cycles were coming back around the 6 month period once I started introducing solids…we got pregnant when my son was 8 months and I had a good idea I was infertile. In fact, the night before we conceived I turned my husband down and then he made me feel bad saying I don’t want to have children with him so the next night…you can guess what happened.
 
You ought to become familiar with this site, it can be very helpful.
It has lots of links to help out too. (with why you can, when you can and how you can use natural family planning, etc…)

all.org/article/index/id/OTAyNw/
 
Your husband should be actively discerning NFP with you. You should be in agreement to not have sex before you are fertile.
 
Stress and anxiety are grave reasons to use NFP. You do not need to have a bunch of kids.
Have you thought about treatment for depression and anxiety?
 
SBryndy729 said:
In fact, the night before we conceived I turned my husband down and then he made me feel bad saying I don’t want to have children with him so the next night…you can guess what happened.
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Awww I am so sorry your husband did that. Is there anyway you can explain to him (not right before you go to sleep) that it is not about him, it is about all the work involved with child rearing that makes you not want a big family.

The sad truth is often when a man wants a bi g family, his only involvement is playing with the kid and when the works starts, he expects the woman to just deal with it oblivious to how much it wears her. Is there any way to get him to take more responsibility so he knows what you go through? Once a month my mom left the house for a whole day and let my dad be 100% in charge. Made him appreciate what she did

Angie
 
If you don’t want a big family, I’d suggest holding back on the vitamins - it will stunt their growth.

Oh, and there’s always NFP. You can use it for legitimate reasons, you know.
 
I understand where you’re coming from. Maybe you’re just not a baby person. I’m not. My daughter was born 2.5 months premature, and I didn’t enjoy her infancy. I thought it was just because preemies are A LOT of work their first year. Then had my full term son. That was vastly easier, but I still didn’t particularly enjoy it. I think I didn’t really come into my own as a mom until they hit about 3. That’s still a lot of work, but I started enjoying them as real people in their own right. I even enjoy parenting now 12 year old DD more than I did parenting an infant. Go easy on yourself - just because you don’t feel cut out for babies does mean you’re not cut out for motherhood.
 
Good news! You don’t have to*** want*** a big family! You just need to ***want ***God’s will for your family, to embrace it, and if you end up with a large, small, medium family you will be fine!

You and your husband can discern whether or not you have serious/just/unselfish reasons to postpone after each child, and use NFP to postpone if you have discerned you need to, for however long you discern the reasons are there, and when they are not, be open to whatever children God may send!
 
SBryndy729 said:
I have a 12 month old whom I of course love, but I can’t enjoy him because I keep thinking “I have to have 8 more of these?!” I struggle with anxiety, and I have been consumed by this since getting married. I haven’t even been married two years and I am already 4 months pregnant with our second. At this rate, I’ll have 7 kids at least by the time I’m 40 and the thought depresses me to no end.
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Your plea reminds me so much of my younger daughter when she was pregnant with her second child. “Mom, how will I ever cope with 2 children”.

Well she did. She has had more or less an 18 month gap between each child. Now she and her husband have always wanted at least 4 children, and she has always wanted them close together. When her third was born, for 5 days she had 3 children under the age of 3 years old. Yes her life has been hectic, but remember they do all grow up. For example, now the two older ones are at school in the mornings, so she only has 2 at home all day. She has also gotten her husband to help a lot, and to ensure that she has some of that time when no one needs her.

It can be done, and remember you can use NFP to space your children and control the number of children you have; but it does need husband and wife to be working together.
 
You won’t wake up and have 8 kids. I promise!

Personally, I HATED having one. It was SO much better with #2- I was not nearly so bored (not a baby person). Ours are 2 yrs apart, which was a great age difference for us. At 18mo and 31/2, they play together now! Entertain each other! I teally started enjoying my kids around 2 1/2.

Babies come one at a time. Enjoy your child, and keep the lines open for the time, if it comes, when y’all are feeling you want to add a sibling.
 
Had our first child 11 months after the wedding. Had our twin girls only ten months after that. We know the overwhelming feeling, believe me…both pregnancies were completely unexpected/unplanned. But there is so much more love in the house due to the presence of these gifts from God.
 
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