Really Lost Right Now...Need Some Help

[Antonius_Lupus]

Dear brothers and sisters,

Pax Christi. I really need to get some advice about a pitfall I am in right now.

I fell again last night (and today) to my sinful addictions. It was not a “total collapse”, however it was still a pretty bad fall considering the good progress I had been making.

I had the choice of my inheritance and life of God…or the allure of giving in to my addictions. Unfortunately I forfeited my inheritance for the “benefits” of the sin.

I am in the Devil’s power now…death has overtaken me (with my consent).

With the comparison of Eternal life vs. permanent separation from God, you would think that I would have chosen eternal life!

This addiction to sin is MADDENING!

Honestly, I feel lost and very depressed. I was so sure this time. I thought it was over…I thought that virtue was finally going to “shine forth” into my darkness. It is maddening, and hard, and it’s breaking me.

I have been fully Initiated and partaken often of Jesus Christ HIMSELF in Holy Communion, and I am still committing abominable offenses against the One whom I have committed myself to. I am beginning to doubt the very power of the sacraments…and lo and behold!..that’s a sin, chalk another one up to the score…

I can’t see a way out of this. I can’t even see. And I fear again. I know my fate should I die tonight. Should my soul be called to give an account…there would be no escape…ever. All the good I have done, whatever that may have been, while fall away to that one incident where I wanted to have some “fun” and throw away my sonship.

I am a slave to this. I am a slave to my stupidity and foolishness. Shall I seek the Lord again? Shall I throw myself into His arms? Its starting to sound so cliche now. Again and again and again and again and again…ad infinitum.

It’s like, you can stave off the addiction for a couple weeks, but then its only a matter of time until you get hungry for another taste of the “sweetness” and throw everything away!

And then…after you have got the “high” you wanted…then comes the emptiness. The sin promises me something beyond life, something exciting, and then when I give myself over…the promise is a sham and it dies away.

I doubt my own committment now. I am doubting my ability to be a disciple. It costs alot, and based on my failure I really am beginning to question whether I really want it.

It’s like you start wondering if you’re another one of those well intentioned “called” ones, who is destined to be one who is “called, but not chosen.”

For the first time, I looked at the trees and the sky and the earth, thought about the old gods…and I thought about how easy it would be just to give up. It all looks appealing, the free-ness of the Pagan code, the excitement and satiation of the bisexual lifestyle, the freedom of the moment in all its glory and wonder. Maybe Nietzsche was right after all… I mean hey, the guy died in his own filth during a fit of insanity…but he lived didn’t he? roll eyes

In all seriousness though, I knew a girl in High School who embraced the old code. I reviled it as atheistic nonsense, like I was seen as some sort of good Christian when I myself was enslaved by sin and idolatry. She was living the truth, whereas I was living a sham. Just today my co-worker was praising me as I discussed theology with him, and I knew in my heart I wasn’t what I appeared to be to him. It was a sham.

I am tired of fighting these battles brothers and sisters. How easy it was when I was a Pagan. I was happy, I was at peace (at least to some extent). Then I got delusions of grandeur and decided to embrace a lifestyle that I cannot even life faithfully.

I am tired, and broken, and I hear it pounding in my ear, the desire to embrace it all again. To drop my sword and lay down in the darkness. In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, one of the characters screams out to Hamlet: “I dare damnation!” Now I see how passion, how the moment, makes one scream out in defiance and agony and exhaustion.

When I was still embracing the Pagan faith, we often spoke of dwelling peacefully in vast green fields and forests of Elysium. In making merry in grand halls of our fathers who went before us. It was almost a Tolkien nostalgia. I recanted it, but now it so appealing.

Just to let go, just to surrender…it whispers to me. No more fighting, no more struggle, just a fading away into myself. Because that’s the big fight isn’t it? Ourselves. Maybe it’s time for me to stop denying who I am. Maybe it’s time to just run and hide…dig a hole and let the humid air envelope me. Let the cool rain wash me.

I feel lost, like nothing makes sense.

Tonight is going to be a long night.

-Antonius

 

[Trishie]

You are human. Trust in God!

“If we say we have no sin in us, we are deceiving ourselves…but if we acknowledge our sins, then God who is faithful and just will forgive our sins and purify us from everything that is wrong.” [1John 1:8-10] “Jesus Christ…is the sacrifice that takes our sins away, and not only ours, but the whole world.” [1John 2:1-2]

Our God, You sent Your Son “into the world, not to condemn the world, but so that through Him the world might be saved. No one who believes in Him will be condemned.” [John 3:17-18]
You assure us through Isaiah, our God,
“I have dispelled your faults like a cloud
your sins like a mist
Come back to me, for I have redeemed you.” [Isaiah 44:22]

Furthermore, You proclaim:
“Happy those whose crimes are forgiven, whose sins are blotted out; happy the man whom the Lord considers sinless.” [Psalm 31:1-2] For through Your Son, You have “cancelled every record of the debt that we had to pay; He has done away with it by nailing it to the cross.” [Colossians 2:14-15]

Therefore, our God it is not presumptuous to ask that we may be healed of our faults and freed from our sin. Indeed, You have said:

“No need to recall the past,
no need to think about what was before.
See I am doing a new deed,
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness,
paths in the wild.” [Isaiah 43:18-19]

“For I, Yahweh, your God,
I am holding you by the right hand;
I tell you, do not be afraid, I will help you.
Do not be afraid…poor worm…
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.” [Isaiah 41:13-14]

“Victory and power and empire for ever have been won by our God and all authority for His Christ, now that the persecutor, who accused our brethren day and night before our God, has been brought down. They have triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb.” [Apocalypse 12:10-12]

“Do not let your hearts be troubled
Trust in God still, and trust in Me
There are many rooms in My Father’s house;
if there were not, I should have told you.
I am going now to prepare a place for you,
and after I have gone and prepared you a place,
I shall return to take you with Me;
so that where I am, you may be too.
You know way to the place where I am going…
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
No one can come to the Father except through Me.” [John 14:1-4, 6-6]

“The only thing that counts is not what human beings want to try to do, but the mercy of God.” [Romans 10:16] “It is by God’s grace that you have been saved, through faith. It is not your own doing, but God’s gift.” [Ephesians 2:8-9] Free your mind, then of encumbrances; control them, and put your trust in nothing but the grace that will be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.” [1Peter 1: 13]

 

[strngrnrth]

Pray. Pray. Pray.
Sin is so sneaky and alluring. I sinned last night. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you.

 

[Trishie]

Pray for others in difficulties. This could be helpful, Trishie
Peace!

 

[SarahR]

You need to look at Christ and get back up again. Make an act of contrition, go to confession. Your sins are like a grain of sand in the ocean of His mercy.

 

[vee8]

Go to ewtn and search for Donald Calloway in the audio section and listen to his Journey Home story. He went from the drug addicted, womanizing pits of sin to being a priest because of God`s mercy.

 

[Koopa]

You don’t think we’re just going to sit there and watch you drown, do you now?

It’s quite clear that the Devil is vying for your soul. He wants to lead you into empty pleasures in this life and eternal suffering in the next. Are you going to let him do that? :knight2:

Remember, friend, that the souls who underwent the most severe temptations became saints. If Satan is trying that hard, think of how precious your soul must be! Never let him trick you into giving up your Hope in Christ. (In fact, why don’t you try reading that encyclical, hm?) Foes always use their most powerful weapons on the most important places.

You are so sorrowful for your sin that you fail to see the virtue that God has sharply raised in your spirit. I see a fervent fear of God and true contrition for sin.

Should you embrace who you truly are? Absolutely yes. You are a holy creation of God who is called to sainthood. To live in sin is to live in a lie. Your true self is the one God intends you to be, being that he made you. Be true to yourself and embrace that.

Perhaps it would do you good to expand your spirituality. Practice true devotion to Mary and that good Mother will lift you back up to her Son every time you fall. Pray to saints that you’ve never prayed to before. Do anything to get your senses back on track with your soul. Never trust your senses, never trust your feelings; they are the worst possible measurements of the state of your soul.

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

Go to Confession and free your soul; live in peace.

Persevere. I love you.

 

[water]

You felt sad and upset. This alone shows that death has not yet overtaken you.

I am in the Devil’s power now…death has overtaken me (with my consent).

Thanks to God that you have realized the mistake. The next step is to come to Him and accept His Mercy - this will defeat Satan. God is merciful! Please go to Him and trust in His Mercy.

Our journey will consist of many falls, but each time we fall, we get up and start over again.

 

[Antonius_Lupus]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I don’t know, I just don’t know what to say to Him. He saw everything I did, He also saw my attitude and my disposition.

It’s ironic really that this is happening.

On Sunday night, God spoke to me about His love. This is the letter I wrote to my spiritual father sharing the experience:

While I was worshipping the Lord last night, I read Hosea 2:16-25 and the LORD spoke to me of His love for me! It was a moment of incredible beauty and truly my Master was speaking. I will quote the passage and give my commentary of the message I received:

16 So I will allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart.

I remember how the LORD drew me back to the Church by alluring me. It was because of a report on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that sparked a drawing back to the God of the Jews…and the Church. The LORD met me in my desert of sin and depravity and spoke tenderly to me of his love (remember my email about the incident in my room?)

**17 From there I will give her the vineyards she had, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope. She shall respond there as in the days of her youth, when she came up from the land of Egypt. **

How this spoke to me! The reference of coming out of Egypt is a clear reference to my infant baptism when I first encountered the LORD God and began to know His ways. Indeed, when God found me in my desert of paganism and sexual sin, I responded to Him with the love and faith that marked my Christian youth.

**18 On that day, says the LORD, She shall call me “My husband,” and never again “My baal.” **

O how this moved me! Now that I have been called to repentance and forgiven of my sin by my loving God, I have turned away from the pagan gods and goddesses that I once worshipped.

**19 Then will I remove from her mouth the names of the Baals, so that they shall no longer be invoked. **

Amen and Amen to this! The LORD has removed from me the desire to worship false deities and moved me again to worship the Living God…the God of my fathers.

**20 I will make a covenant for them on that day, with the beasts of the field, With the birds of the air, and with the things that crawl on the ground. Bow and sword and war I will destroy from the land, and I will let them take their rest in security. **

The LORD God is true to His word. Now that I have embraced my Catholic Faith, I have found a rest that only Christ can give. Alleluia!

**21 I will espouse you to me forever: I will espouse you in right and in justice, in love and in mercy; **

I felt tears stir in my eyes as I read this verse. The LORD, in His goodness, has epoused me to Himself and called me to a new life in Christ the Lord. How can I ever thank Him enough…that…despite my grievous and truly offensive sins He has called me again to restored life.

**22 I will espouse you in fidelity, and you shall know the LORD. **

Again the tears pushed in my eyes.

**25 I will sow him for myself in the land, and I will have pity on Lo-ruhama. I will say to Lo-ammi, “You are my people,” and he shall say, “My God!” **

At this I started to cry. The word “Lo-ruchama” means in Hebrew: “not pitied” and the word “Lo-ammi” means: “not my people.” The LORD here truly expressed His love with this statement. To me…a sinner, a liar, a fiend…He has had pity. Furthermore, I forsook my inheritance for things of this world, but the LORD declares to me today: “YOU ARE MY PEOPLE”…and I…with love and tears in my eyes respond…“You are MY God.”

I am so grateful to hear His voice. How can I keep from singing His praise?

That was me two days ago. His voice was so clear, and now, now I feel as though I have thrown all of that away.

I remember when I last visited the Melkite-Byzantine Catholic parish, Fr. Damian gave a homily about how sin binds us.

It’s so true. I feel constrained as if I can’t breath. Everything is stale, I feel broken and tired like I am in a waste land.

I don’t think I have even spoken to Jesus in hours.

 

[Pax]

Satan shows us the allure of the world and its pleasures. When we fall into sin, he is the accuser. As such he wants us to feel awful and beyond forgiveness. He wants us to give up.

The enemy is clever but he is incompetent when set against the mercy of God, the wisdom of His Church, and the power of confession. We are all sinners, but what separates us from those that are unsaved is that we repent and seek forgiveness. God provides his mercy and forgiveness. He loves us beyond measure.

 

[yinekka]

Antonius, you have some amazing friends on this forum; they have given you and the rest of us sinners some wonderful help and encouragement.

This addiction to sin is MADDENING! Yes it is but it is also human. The only two people who did not sin were Jesus and Mary. Every single soul who has attained reason in the whole history of the world has sinned to a greater or lesser extent and you are no different. Maybe there was an element of pride in your not sinning and now you have been humbled and, like the prodigal son, have to return and ask the Father’s forgiveness. You know that He will be waiting for you with open arms ready to forgive you and put on your hand the ring of sonship again.

Koopa said *It’s quite clear that the Devil is vying for your soul. He wants to lead you into empty pleasures in this life and eternal suffering in the next. * I think he’s right. The devil, who tempted you to sin in the first place, now wants you to despair of being worthy of God’s forgiveness and love. Peter Kreeft wrote in Prayer For Beginners
*How can we attain this state, of being sensible of our faults but not discouraged by them? By seeing our faults but also seeing farther than our faults; by framing our faults by our faith, which is not faith in ourselves but faith in God. No fault, no sin, no failure can exhaust God’s power to forgive.

God wants us to worry about our sins before we sin; the devil wants us to worry after we sin. God wants us to feel free after we repent (for we really are free then); the devil wants us to feel free before we sin, as we are choosing to sin (for we really are not free then; the devil is a deceiver). The devil tempt us to cavalier pride before we sin and worrisome despair afterward. Since pride and despair both separate us from God, and anything that separates us from God is the devil’s friend and our enemy.while anything that brings us closer to God is the devil’s enemy and our friend….
And remember to thank God for the awareness of the fact that you have fallen off the “horse” of awareness of His presence, for that too is His gift, not your achievement. If He did not give you the grace to notice that you have forgotten His grace, you would not only forget His grace, but you would also forget that you have forgotten His grace.*

I know my fate should I die tonight. No you don’t. God sees your anguish and sorrow and remember that an ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world from the Cross. Objectively speaking you may have committed a mortal sin but only God knows the subjective application; He sees your anguish and sorrow and His mercy is limitless.

If your sin is sexual, ask St Augustine to help you.

I will keep you, a sinner, in my prayers. Please keep me, a sinner, in yours.

 

[yinekka]

My son told me this some years ago. A friend of his went out clubbing and drank quite a bit. He met a girl who was very willing that he should go to her place. They got there and clothes started to be removed. My son’s friend remembered that he was wearing a scapular and rather than let the girl see the scapular he left the flat. I am sure that his mother in heaven, Our Lady of Mt Carmel, was helping him.

Perhaps you could wear a scapular if you think it would help you.

 

[beckycmarie]

Dear Antonius,

I was once in a very similar situation to you. Actually my problem was pretty much exactly as you describe yours. Then I stumbled upon (more like God led me to) the St. Pio Center for Deliverance Counseling website. On that site are the Seven Steps to self-deliverance. I wasn’t convinced my problem may have a demonic element to it, but I thought it was worth a shot since nothing had helped me overcome my lifelong bondage to sin.

I followed those steps and I am not exaggerating when I say they changed my life. I’m not sure I have adequate words to explain the depth and intensity to which my life has changed and how my relationship with God has grown. I am now an active volunteer with that ministry.

I hope you will give those steps a shot. It is a process that will take a minimum of a few weeks - not something you can do all at once over night. You can view them here:


The Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance

 

[utunumsint]

What was the situation that led you into this? Is it possible to avoid the situation in the future? If it is possible to p(name removed by moderator)oint the source of your temptation, get rid of it. Avoid it like the plague, even if it means denying youself something good.

God bless,
Ut

 

[Antonius_Lupus]

Last time I did this…my confession was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I did the exact same thing (well…not really - it was a total collapse backwards last time) and to tear open my soul to the Church and to Christ Himself in a formal manner was so difficult.

And yet, I did it and I was forgiven. And God sent me a special grace: peace.

I felt peace and I knew I had been forgiven, I rest there under a tree in my car waiting for Mass to start. I felt free and alive.

I can’t imagine coming back with this same sin again. It is offensive to God. It is vomit to Him, refuse, sludge.

I want to know Him again. I need His touch again, like He gave weeks ago. I need Him to hold me again…I need to cry with love again.

But instead I feel as though I can’t even face Him.

Quo vadis, Domine? QUO VADIS!?!?!

And would that I had David’s heart! Would that I wept for what I had done…to know my offense, and to be aware of His mercy!

But see, I commit the same thing I hate…and do it with joy. Only to realized how broken I am…how warped my mind is.

And what is repentance!? I have repent of this again and again and again and again and again and again…and YET I fail Him.

I love Him, I can’t live without Him. And yet I run away from Him!!!

This wasn’t just a tripping up. I did things this time that I didn’t hestitated to do AS A DEVOUT PRACTICING CELTIC PAGAN (…and we Celts are very depraved…we aren’t as bad as the Greeks, but we certainly put those snobby Romans to shame…and the Wiccans, they got nothin’ on us.)

When I have sought the God of Jacob…lo and behold, that is when my depravity deepens. What irony!

And I WANT to seek my Master. To tell Him what I’ve done, to rest again in His arms.

But how can I even face Him…how can I even beat my breast in sincerity when I know how hideous these scars are?

Would that He would speak to me again of His love.

 

[tessi]

Don’t trust yourself when fighting sins. I was in a similar situation years ago for a long time and then when I got tired of fighting I realized I was trusting in my own strength and I began putting the burden of that sin over Jesus’ shoulders so He could grant me the grace to overcome that. He will give that grace if you really want it.

 

[beckycmarie]

Antonius,

He won’t speak to you of His love again until you go face Him in confession and get Him back in your soul through sanctifying Grace. The reason you can’t hear Him is because you’ve turned your back on Him, and as long as you fight confession, you are keeping your back turned on Him.

Why are you letting Satan win this battle not only by getting you to sin, but by also with the deathblow of getting you to despair and reject God’s mercy?

Did you know the confessional steals more souls from Satan than exorcism takes back bodies from him? That is not my opinion; that is the Exorcist of Rome, Fr. Gabriele Amorth on the merits of Confession.

What is going on right now is a battle for your soul. You can give into despair, or you can pick your sorry self up and go to Confession. We are all sorry, we all sin, but the difference in the saint and the one that ends up in Hell is that the Saint goes to Confession, resolving not to fall again, but if he does, he gets up and tries again, and again, and again, until with God’s grace he gets it right.

 

[Antonius_Lupus]

I have read over all of y’all responses.

Today, I just kinda “lived on auto.” I didn’t even bother to pray or seek Christ. Then later someone told me to write down what I thought God was saying to me. I thought that might be a bad thing, but I figured that maybe one of the ways God speaks to us is through the catechetical teachings we have received. So I sat down and I prayed asking God to use my hands and my pen to speak to me, and I let go with the trust that this letter would be orthodox and from God.

Here is what I wrote (I embellished a little)…(from Jesus)…it also includes some auricular statements that I said randomly.

"Dear Anthony,

Why are you clinging to this? Stop wallowing in this self-pity. Get up off the floor…get up. Have you forgotten whose trip you are on? You ask me to tell me of my love for you again. Here, take a look at my hands and my feet. Take a look at the scars on my brow. Your name is written in upon my very Body in the scars of the crucifixition. Your sin is NOTHING compared to my Cross. Don’t you think I knew beforehand this fall would come? The sin that so burdens you now was nailed to a chunk of wood 2,000 years ago! I myself destroyed it, and all of them, nailing them to the Cross. Do you realize how this self-pity hurts me? Do you know how your refusal to let go of your shame breaks my heart? It is because of your wretchedness that my heart burns with passion. My Sacred Hearts beats with the thought of you. I DELIGHT in showing you mercy. Let go now and come and sit with me. Let’s talk this out. And…if you need to feel free to cry on my shoulder. Can a mother forget her children Anthony? And even if she could, would I forget you? I saved you, I bore you up on eagles wings, heck, I didn’t even wait for you to grow up…I saved you before you could even consciously know who I was!!! After ALL of the agony, shame, and torture I went through to PURCHASE you from the land of slavery, how could I forget you?!?

Take my hand Anthony… Let me hold you again. Let me rejoice over you with singing! Let me whisper peace into the ear of my precious lamb, you. And I will bear you on my shoulders and I will carry you and lay you down to rest in ME. And know this: I am eagerly waiting for you in the Confessional. I built my Church with YOU in my mind. I am the Architect, and I foresaw your need for healing. I know how weak you are…but know this my son…it is in this darkness that my light will shine brightest! It is in this weakness where my wonderous power and might will be made manifest. My Body is a place for the healing of sinners. I came for YOU Anthony. On the Cross of Golgotha I REDEEMED you for MYSELF. RETURN to me my son, for I have swept away your transgressions like a cloud. For I am a God of mercy and compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving kindness. My patience will always endure…especially for those whom I have handpicked to become my sons (again, that’s you). Do you honestly think that your petty sins can compete with my awesome mercy? And fear not the Devil…I have legions of angels with drawn swords surrounding you. Do you think that I would abandon my beloved to darkness? Ha! No “god” will take you from me, my grip is sure and my arms are mighty to save.

Come back to me Anthony. You have been fighting this battle alone. I am your God, and I myself will fight for you…but you must let go and allow me to do so. Come lean on me, let me embrace you again and cover your neck with kisses. Let me look on the face of my beloved son and gaze into your eyes. I know how sorrowful you feel, and I know that you are sorry. I know because I my Spirit moved you to this point.

You don’t have to wander anymore my son. Come to me, I am LONGING to forgive you. I am waiting, eagerly, to wash away your stains. I want to see my son shine again for me! Because YOU ARE MY TREASURE, and I would rather die in agony upon a Cross than live without you.

Take my hand…I will reveal to you the unending depths of my passionate love for you."

That was the message. After reading the original one over I decided to come to Christ in prayer. I audibly (not easy) confessed to Him every act I did…no euphemisms…just the hard truth. I told Him that I was sorry and that I would get back up, stop wallowing in shame, repent, and follow Him again. I firmly resolved to meet with Him in the Confessional Saturday.

Tonight, I am going to seek Him in prayer. I am going to seek the face of the Living God, the Holy One of Yisrael. Please pray for me (as I know you will).

Thanks again for the responses. May the Living God bless all of y’all immensely for your help in this.

-Anthony John

 

[Nickkname]

Never fear, friend! If you are repent, you have a chance to receive God’s Mercy! Do you remember the case of Judas and Peter in the gospel? Let me tell you:

Both had sinned against the Lord. Peter denial Jesus three times and Judas had betrayed him. Both of them repented. But it was only Peter who accepted Jesus’ Mercy. Judas believes he could not be forgiven - he thought his sin was greater than God’s Mercy - and so in his despair he committed suicide. Peter, however, was reproached by Jesus, and not only was he forgiven, but he was also given the power to administer the Sacrament of Mercy, i.e., Reconciliation.

Don’t be like Judas! Be like Peter! Repent and go to Reconciliation. If you cannot make it to the confessional before death, though, than make an act of contrition. God loves you and is so willing to forgive you your sins - so willing to let you enter heaven - that he will accept an act of contrition in place of sacramental confession in case of death. So trust in God and ask him for Mercy!

 

[Koopa]

Oh wow Antonius! No wonder the devil wanted your soul! That letter was beautiful. You have so much in you that is threatening to the devil. God placed it there, of course, and he’s not willing to let that gift go unused.

What you said about confessing it audibly, it is so true. But it’s so necessary. I think I will try that sometime, thank you!

So glad you’re back on track. God bless!