Really Need Advice! Don't know where to turn šŸ˜¢

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Lynne72

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I am having a really hard time. I am married with 3 teen boys and I think my husband has a drinking problem as well as anger issues. I am afraid to confront him and I donā€™t know who to talk to. We are both very involved in our church. I had a conversion 5 years ago, and all I want is to love and serve God. About every 2 weeks, my husband blows up or comes home with obvious signs that he has been drinking, although he denies it. He is a wonderful, loving husband, but when he drinks he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Tonight he came home and yelled F*** you to me 3 times outside in our yard, and pushed me. Then he took off (which is something he always does). My kids witnessed it. I know this is affecting them. My one son (who is struggling with his faith), told me tonight that my husband and I should step away from church because it is ruining us. I donā€™t know what to do! :cry:

I told my pastor that I need a spiritual director. He offered to be mine, but he knows both of us well. Iā€™m not sure if this is a good idea. Any support or advice is greatly appreciated.
 
My advice is to call a domestic abuse hotline now. Talk directly to someone who can better judge and advise on your situation. You should not be pushed. You should not be afraid. Your kids should not be seeing this.
 
If it is getting to the point where you are at the receiving end of physical abuse then you need to distance yourself from your husband temporarily. Make it clear that you will not be returning until he agrees to get help.
 
You need marriage counseling. If he wonā€™t go then go by yourself. You could also try and contact your local AA and ask if they have a support group for family members who have to deal with a loved oneā€™s drinking problem. Pushing you is not acceptable. When he sobers up and you can talk to him, tell him that kind of behavior scares you and the children and if ever touches you like that again you will call law enforcement. Thank the priest for his offer to be your spiritual advisor, but that you are looking for a woman.
 
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic adult. It isnā€™t pretty.

First things first - shoving you is a form of physical abuse. Let that sink in. Once you let it sink in, there are two things to look into: one is Al-Anon, which is for family members of alcoholics, where you will learn that you are not alone in your experiences and where you may find other assistance, which leads to the second. The second is to find a domestic abuse shelter or other program that can assist you in forming an escape plan, because it will most likely get worse now that physical abuse is part of the equation. You may need to get the police involved, or try to see if your pastor can find some men in the parish (preferably ones that can bench more than him) to conduct an intervention.

Obviously, the negative effects on your kids cannot be overlooked. To the son who witnessed it yet said it was the Church that was more harm than good, let him know in no uncertain terms that this was his fatherā€™s doing and not the Churchā€™s. Theyā€™re old enough to know. Not only may it salvage their faith, but they will need to learn to watch their backs around their father - when one target of abuse is removed, abusers may turn to another to replace the one removed, so your kids need to make sure they are not the replacement targets. The other thing is this: what kind of example is being set for your kids by shoving their mother?

Do you have any brothers or other male members of your family that can assist you?
 
Husbands do not have a right to put their hands on their wives like that.

Thatā€™s how it starts - a push here or there - then they are slapping or punching you.

I know this is easier said than done, but you have to have a sit down with him. Wait until he is not drunk or angry and have this talk. Be clear that him putting his hands on you will not be tolerated ever again. You have to be serious and he needs to be convinced that you are serious.

You may need a temporary exit strategy in case he harms you or attempts to harm you. Somewhere you can go until he gets help or you figure out how you are going to deal with.

By all means, whatever the Church tells you will be better advice than we can give here and should be followed, imo. But Iā€™ve learned that get what we tolerate in life. Domestic abuse is one of those things that must be stopped immediately before it escalates.
 
Thank you everyone for your replies. This is extremely difficult for me to accept. I am sitting here rationalizing his behaviour in my mind, and I know it is wrong. I feel that I may gave nagged him too much or pushed him over the edge. Pushing is the beginning of domestic abuse? :cry: This is hard. I am a sahm, no job. I will look into al anon, but I am afraid. Please pray for my family.
 
Praying for you and your whole family, Lynne!

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women and blessed is the
fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners
NOW and at the hour of our death. Amen!
 
Alanon and individual counseling seems the way to go, just you. If one day he starts his own treatment for the alcoholism, then marriage counseling would become an option.
 
Norseman82 said:
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic adult. It isnā€™t pretty.

First things first - shoving you is a form of physical abuse. Let that sink in. Once you let it sink in, there are two things to look into: one is Al-Anon, which is for family members of alcoholics, where you will learn that you are not alone in your experiences and where you may find other assistance, which leads to the second. The second is to find a domestic abuse shelter or other program that can assist you in forming an escape plan, because it will most likely get worse now that physical abuse is part of the equation. You may need to get the police involved, or try to see if your pastor can find some men in the parish (preferably ones that can bench more than him) to conduct an intervention.

Obviously, the negative effects on your kids cannot be overlooked. To the son who witnessed it yet said it was the Church that was more harm than good, let him know in no uncertain terms that this was his fatherā€™s doing and not the Churchā€™s. Theyā€™re old enough to know. Not only may it salvage their faith, but they will need to learn to watch their backs around their father - when one target of abuse is removed, abusers may turn to another to replace the one removed, so your kids need to make sure they are not the replacement targets. The other thing is this: what kind of example is being set for your kids by shoving their mother?

Do you have any brothers or other male members of your family that can assist you?
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exactly,

and do you want your boys growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat their future girlfriends or wives?
 
Lynne72 said:
I am having a really hard time. I am married with 3 teen boys and I think my husband has a drinking problem as well as anger issues. I am afraid to confront him and I donā€™t know who to talk to. We are both very involved in our church. I had a conversion 5 years ago, and all I want is to love and serve God. About every 2 weeks, my husband blows up or comes home with obvious signs that he has been drinking, although he denies it. He is a wonderful, loving husband, but when he drinks he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Tonight he came home and yelled F*** you to me 3 times outside in our yard, and pushed me. Then he took off (which is something he always does). My kids witnessed it. I know this is affecting them. My one son (who is struggling with his faith), told me tonight that my husband and I should step away from church because it is ruining us. I donā€™t know what to do! :cry:

I told my pastor that I need a spiritual director. He offered to be mine, but he knows both of us well. Iā€™m not sure if this is a good idea. Any support or advice is greatly appreciated.
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A number of posters have offered sound advise about your situation. One person suggested a serious talk with your husband when he is not in the condition you describe. Reading your post, I wonder also if there is an issue with him that is causing this sporadic behavior, and you are not the issue. Something else is. Finding out, either in a good and serious talk between the two of you, or from professional counseling might well get to the root of the problem. Every two weeks makes me wonder what is going on in his head. Something is causing his behavior and I donā€™t think it is you. Could it be a problem at work, that his job is tenuous and he may lose it, a physical condition, or something else?

Denying he has been drinking is strange. Either he wonā€™t admit to himself that he has an alcohol problem, or he is telling the truth, doesnā€™t have one, and something else, something just as serious, is at work with him.

If nothing comes of such a conversation, take the advise of the posters who have said, remove yourself from the situation. Verbal abuse and pushing a wife is the beginning of a physically abusive relationship. You and your children should in no way, be exposed to this, and you wonā€™t allow yourself or your boys to be harmed. This must be made clear to him.

Oh, and your pastor most certainly will keep your confidence, especially if you first bring this up in confession. It could be a good place to start

Prayers, good luck, and God Bless.

Shalom
 
My dear patron Fathers, please pray for this woman and family.

St. Joseph, please intercede.
 
He is a wonderful, loving husband, but when he drinks he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Tonight he came home and yelled F*** you to me 3 times outside in our yard, and pushed me. Then he took off (which is something he always does). My kids witnessed it. I know this is affecting them.
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Please stop lying to yourself. This is not something that a loving husband would do. You cannot tolerate such behavior, for the good of all 5 of your family members. You need to speak to a professional family counselor ASAP. You cannot let your husband get away with such behavior and you cannot let your sons see such behavior.
My one son (who is struggling with his faith), told me tonight that my husband and I should step away from church because it is ruining us.
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What does the Church have to do with this?
I told my pastor that I need a spiritual director. He offered to be mine, but he knows both of us well. Iā€™m not sure if this is a good idea. Any support or advice is greatly appreciated.
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There is nothing wrong with having a spiritual director but it is not a substitute for a professional family counselor. Your pastor may or may not be qualified to help you with your husbandā€™s issues. You may need to separate temporarily so you need to make a plan, or several contingency plans.
 
CradleJourney said:
My advice is to call a domestic abuse hotline now. Talk directly to someone who can better judge and advise on your situation. You should not be pushed. You should not be afraid. Your kids should not be seeing this.
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This. Doesnā€™t matter how nice he is when sober. What matters is damage is being done when he is drunk. Think of the example he is setting your boys and think of the example that you want to set them in case they become the same in the future.
 
Lynne72 said:
Thank you everyone for your replies. This is extremely difficult for me to accept. I am sitting here rationalizing his behaviour in my mind, and I know it is wrong. I feel that I may gave nagged him too much or pushed him over the edge. Pushing is the beginning of domestic abuse? :cry: This is hard. I am a sahm, no job. I will look into al anon, but I am afraid. Please pray for my family.
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You donā€™t need a job to be an amazingly strong independent woman and mother when the going gets tough. Maybe you will need some help for a while but you will get things together again!
 
Thank you everyone. So far this morning he is not talking to me. I am not sure if he fully remembers what happened yesterday. šŸ˜¦
 
Lynne72 said:
Thank you everyone for your replies. This is extremely difficult for me to accept. I am sitting here rationalizing his behaviour in my mind, and I know it is wrong. I feel that I may gave nagged him too much or pushed him over the edge. Pushing is the beginning of domestic abuse? :cry: This is hard. I am a sahm, no job. I will look into al anon, but I am afraid. Please pray for my family.
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ā€œBe not afraidā€. Ask the Lord for help and do what you have to do!
 
I am so sorry for the situation you are currently experiencing and I am sending up prayer for you and your family.

Please get in contact with your priest who can advise you on local groups or assistance for your situation.

I am very concerned that your child believes that the Church is the cause of problems in your home. Why is that?

It will probably be very necessary for you to have a talk with your children about their fatherā€™s behavior and how you all are dealing with it. You are going to have to take control of the situation for their sake. Children have no choice in the matter, they have to go along with their parents. If you continue to allow your husband to abuse you verbally, mentally and physically, it will have (and probably already has) very bad effects on them. They should not have to live in fear of what will happen next and they should not be interjecting themselves into adult problems (which is what will happen).
 
My son believes that we were happier before my conversion. Like I said, I am very involved in my parish and I do volunteer a lot. My son, who once said he wanted to be a priest now believes that there is no God. It breaks my heart. When he said that to me, it brought me to my knees. I have had many conversations with him about the faith, but he is very intelligent and I donā€™t give him the right answers. i am seriously wondering if I should back off from the parish, although I honestly donā€™t want to. I feel like such a failure.
 
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