Really need your opinion

[chickenkatsu]

Hi Everyone

I have a dillemma…I am 27 years old and have gone to mass my whole life. Lately, i havent gone much. Its hard to be a Catholic and exist in a society that isnt. Its so hard co-existing between being catholic and living life…it causes me so much stress.

I feel that what happens when I go to church doesnt happen once I step outside it. Its two completely different worlds.

I love Jesus, plain and simple, but i am not perfect. I have premarital sex with my fiance and I know that this is forbidden but I have waited for 27 years to make love. I only just lost my virginity. I lost it to a woman i love and will spend the rest of my life with.

I know that people will say that Its not possible for me to have a relationship with God now that i have had premarital sex, but i refuse to let anyone tell me that. I will have a relationship with God no matter what anyone tells me.

The premarital sex aside, does anyone else feel that its two different worlds? One world is for 45 minutes when your at church, and the other is the rest of the time outside the church.

 

[andyandely1997]

It is two different worlds. This is why it is so important these days to live our faith in the world. If we only spend one hour a week with God, and the rest in the world, it should be no surprise when we start living for the world instead of Christ. *“For where thy treasure is, there is thy heart also” (Matthew 6:21) *Also, our actions speak louder than words. Today, too many Christians profess a belief in Christ, but do not live it out in their life. Can anyone not see why many people believe a lot of so-called Christians are hypocrites. Especially, when after a fall, we do not repent & try to rationalize our sin. If we love Christ, we will desire to follow Christ, and at the same time, always running back to His mercy when we fall short. “If you love me, keep my commandments.” (John 14:15)

 

[Bookcat]

vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/homilies/2009/documents/hf_ben-xvi_hom_20090628_chius-anno-paolino_en.html read to the end.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I need the Mass to charge me up and prepare me to live out my faith in the world. I can’t do it on my own.

 

[Bookcat]

I love Jesus, plain and simple,

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15 RSV CE)

And this is joy …living “in Christ” …it is true life.

But we need to “remain in him” in a living way…(hence we need to repent of mortal sins …go to confession…not fool ourselves into thinking we can live in mortal sin and have life)

Jesus Christ is our Life! In him is joy and life…but we must follow him…we must love him and renounce mortal sins etc…but in doing so it is about the great “Yes” …to him.

We say “Yes” you have the words of real life! Yes I love you…yes I will live my Baptism…by renouncing the devil and sin and be your follower…

That Great YES involves many no’s of course…but such is the nature of love!

Even in human love…our Yes at the time of our marriage will involve other no’s down the road…but they are all cause of that great Yes to our spouse in love.

 

[PatriceA]

Hi Everyone

I have a dillemma…I am 27 years old and have gone to mass my whole life. Lately, i havent gone much. Its hard to be a Catholic and exist in a society that isnt. Its so hard co-existing between being catholic and living life…it causes me so much stress.

I feel that what happens when I go to church doesnt happen once I step outside it. Its two completely different worlds.

I love Jesus, plain and simple, but i am not perfect. I have premarital sex with my fiance and I know that this is forbidden but I have waited for 27 years to make love. I only just lost my virginity. I lost it to a woman i love and will spend the rest of my life with.

I know that people will say that Its not possible for me to have a relationship with God now that i have had premarital sex, but i refuse to let anyone tell me that. I will have a relationship with God no matter what anyone tells me.

The premarital sex aside, does anyone else feel that its two different worlds? One world is for 45 minutes when your at church, and the other is the rest of the time outside the church.

I’m a little confused why you made a point of stating you had premarital sex when it doesn’t seem to reconcile with the rest of your situation. I can totally understand being at the age you are and feeling very much like the mass is a different world than the time outside of mass. But you seem to be very defensive about your decision about having premarital sex and it just doesn’t seem to fit with how you are feeling.

Besides that issue, what is your life like outside of mass? What are your activities, socially? Who are your friends? Is your fiance Catholic? If your world and the people you surround yourself with and the activities you participate in are in contrast to the Catholic faith, of course you’re going to feel like its two different worlds.

 

[Bookcat]

2350 Those who are engaged to marry are called to live chastity in continence. They should see in this time of testing a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from God. They should reserve for marriage the expressions of affection that belong to married love. They will help each other grow in chastity. (Catechism of the Catholic Church)

 

[Mumbles140]

Chickenkatsu, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I am 25, recently became engaged, and have struggled with physical temptations with my fiancee. Just know that you are not alone with this struggle!

For a period of time, I was having a hard time attending mass every Sunday - some nights because I’d be out late the night before, others when I stayed at my fiancee’s parents’ house (they are not Catholic), and I realized that if I was going to be married in the Church and raise my kids Catholic, I can’t let certain things bring me down.

I guess the main question is - is your fiancee Catholic, and does she practice her faith (whether Catholic or not)? If so, you all can try and use your faith together to help you avoid temptation, attend mass more regularly, and live lives dedicated to Christ. If she isn’t Catholic, I know it is tougher, but think about how necessary it is to carry on the Truth to your children - once you let the practice of the faith lapse in you, your faith will start to slip away also.

I know the feeling you experience at Church, and even the hours leading up to it and afterwards. But then the week starts and you get caught up with so many things and lose your focus. My two recommendations are to try attending daily mass once or twice a week. If you can only make it once, try going midweek (Tues-Thurs) to ‘recharge’ your batteries until Sunday. Also, go to Confession and open your heart up to God. Though it may be very gut-wrenching going in, try going to a priest who will really make you open up, asking about frequency, patterns, everything. It might appear to be embarassing, it might be scary, but it will be extremely humbling before God, and it will really give your soul ‘a good scrub’. Plus, I always find it easier to avoid sin after Confession because God’s grace is still so strong in us. That is why regular reception of the sacraments is vital in the battle against Satan.

May God bless you and your fiancee, and I wish you the best!

 

[ab75]

Hi Everyone

I have a dillemma…I am 27 years old and have gone to mass my whole life. Lately, i havent gone much. Its hard to be a Catholic and exist in a society that isnt. Its so hard co-existing between being catholic and living life…it causes me so much stress.

I feel that what happens when I go to church doesnt happen once I step outside it. Its two completely different worlds.

I love Jesus, plain and simple, but i am not perfect. I have premarital sex with my fiance and I know that this is forbidden but I have waited for 27 years to make love. I only just lost my virginity. I lost it to a woman i love and will spend the rest of my life with.

I know that people will say that Its not possible for me to have a relationship with God now that i have had premarital sex, but i refuse to let anyone tell me that. I will have a relationship with God no matter what anyone tells me.

The premarital sex aside, does anyone else feel that its two different worlds? One world is for 45 minutes when your at church, and the other is the rest of the time outside the church.

I sympathise with you and your situation and don’t believe I can give any relavent advice within this forum. I would however offer a couple suggestions that may help you better understand the relationship between individual faith, the body of Christ and the entire world. First, don’t be afraid to try and find a spiritual director, preferably a priest or nun you trust and can relate to. Second, and I can’t recommend this highly enough, is spend some time at wordonfire.org Father Robert Barron’s website. This guy is dynamic and does a better job of explaining the Christian faith than anyone I’ve personally encountered. He has lots of great talks that can be listened to or watch on-line or download to an ipod.

His weekly sermons are fantastic, and I’ve listened to one a day on my way to work and it’s really taken me from the place you are currently to a deeper understanding. If there is only one thing you take from this, I implore you to listen to the sermons from lent 2005 (especially week 3 - 6), they are 15 minutes each and will be helpful.

Just know this, Christ always meets you where you are and works for you through others, in you, and through you for others. The heart of Christs message is not to leave the world, but actually he provides freedom from the world, fear and anxieties that allow you to become truly alive in him for others. Also, talk to you fiance openly about this, remember you are two about to become one, and the only way to become one is to openly and honestly share feelings on faith and who we are at the core.

May God Bless you

 

[Big_Dummy]

You can make them one world by following Eph 2:10 – you know what the right thing to do is.

 

[Gem]

katsu,

I got married at about your age. It IS possible to wait. But I think you have a bit of a perspective problem. Let’s look at what you wrote.

…have gone to mass my whole life. Lately, i havent gone much. …it causes me so much stress.

This stress and your avoidance of Mass are caused by the fact that you know deep down that your actions are wrong. You don’t like being convicted of that by the Holy Spirit upon your conscience when you go to church.

…I love Jesus, plain and simple, but i am not perfect…

Ok, good, but don’t leave it at that. We are all called to abandon our sin and become perfect like Christ. With His grace we CAN improve.

…I have premarital sex with my fiance and I know that this is forbidden but I have waited for 27 years to make love. I only just lost my virginity. I lost it to a woman i love and will spend the rest of my life with…

So you blew it. And it’s hard to quit once you’ve started. But you have to decide what you are going to center your life - your soul - around. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with her, then great! get married now. And what happens if she gets pregnant (eventually, it happens)? What then of your resposibilities to her and your unborn child? Why would you put them in that tenuous situation?

…I know that people will say that Its not possible for me to have a relationship with God now that i have had premarital sex, but i refuse to let anyone tell me that. I will have a relationship with God no matter what anyone tells me.

The above points to the crux of your situation. First of all, you CAN have a relationship with God, even now. He is calling you to repentance. You feel it. That’s why you posted. But when you say “I refuse to let anyone” what you are really saying is “I refuse to let God”. It is you who have broken your relationship with God and you cannot will it to be fixed on your own. That’s what confession is for. You cannot define your own morality. The Bible says that (unrepentant) fornicators are not among the saved. This is God’s own Word. Deep down, you know this. You need to begin your thought process with God, not with yourself. If you’re saying things like"I want" and “I deserve”, then you need to take a step back.

Go to confession as has been suggested. Make a re-commitment to chastity. This is really the respectful path for the woman that you love. You can do it with God’s grace. Ask Him to help you. Really - do it. If you do, you will find church to be welcoming again.

I’ll pray for you,

Gem

 

[JRKH]

Hi Everyone

I have a dillemma…I am 27 years old and have gone to mass my whole life. Lately, i havent gone much. Its hard to be a Catholic and exist in a society that isnt. Its so hard co-existing between being catholic and living life…it causes me so much stress.

I feel that what happens when I go to church doesnt happen once I step outside it. Its two completely different worlds.

…does anyone else feel that its two different worlds? One world is for 45 minutes when your at church, and the other is the rest of the time outside the church

Yes it is difficult and no one said it was not difficult. The reason that you have this issue is that you do not carry your faith with you when you leave mass. That is why it feels like one world for 45 minutes and a completely different world the rest of the time.
I know that this sounds harsh, but you need to realize that in order reconcile these two worlds it is you who must make the change, and not the world.
How involved are you with teh parish?
What ministries do you participate in?
What is your prayer life like?
How often do you read the Scriptures?
Etc…
These are the things that convert your faith world from 45 minutes to 24-7.

I love Jesus, plain and simple, but i am not perfect. I have premarital sex with my fiance and I know that this is forbidden but I have waited for 27 years to make love. I only just lost my virginity. I lost it to a woman i love and will spend the rest of my life with.

Like Jesus and the adultress, I will not condemn you for I too am a sinner.
If you do plan to spend the rest of your life with this woman, I hope that there are wedding plans in the works.

As to Loving Jesus and not being perfect etc, I spent a long time living in sin and thinking I could still claim to Love Jesus. Yet, since waking up and coming home to The Church I see how much in error I was.
You say you Love Jesus - Ok, I accept that, but how much do you Love Him? Do you Love him with your Whole Heart, Mind and Being? (Mt 22:36-40) Is He number one in your life?
It appears not since you are willing to offend him by commiting this sin and not repenting.
You also Love your fiance. But how much?
You have risked her soul by this sin just as much as your own.
So it appears you Love yourself first, and your fiance and Jesus later.

I know that people will say that Its not possible for me to have a relationship with God now that i have had premarital sex, but i refuse to let anyone tell me that. I will have a relationship with God no matter what anyone tells me.

I would not say tht you cannot have a relationship with God. It will be a strained relationship. One full of spiritual and immortal danger for you, and for the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with, so long as you remain unrepentant.

I know my words are harsh. I am sorry. But I hope that you can take them in the spirit of brotherly charity that they are intended. You asked for our opinions and this is mine. The opinion of someone who spent 35 years away from the Church, “loving Jesus” but then making up my own rules as I went along. I sinned grieviously, damaged the lives of several people and probaly wrecked the life of one. All now to my intense sorrow and shame.

Please - Please discuss these matters with your priest and confessor. Perhaps get set up with a spiritual councilor. Increase your prayer time. Talk with God often during the day. Study the Bible and the Catechism. Make God and your faith the center of your life and soon you will find that, not only is the world inside and outside mass less contradictory, but that you will be able to love your dear Lady even better for Loving God first.

Peace
James

 

[Bookcat]

And once you go to Confession and repent of any mortal sins…one can go then (assuming all else is fine) to Holy Communion…to Jesus himself

(of course do not receive now…Paul was quite clear about that…and such would not be life…but further death to do so knowingly…)

But really you are made for true life!

and love…

 

[tuscany]

So what you are saying is that you are a Catholic for 45 minutes a week, and then
secular the whole rest of the week?
I thought being a Catholic was a full time thing.

Just because much of society is doing something different from what you should be doing, doesn’t make society correct. I imagine all throughout Christianity, it’s been hard to do different from mainstream society. (one being Peter denying Jesus because he was scared.) Look at all the church martyrs, they had to go against society too.

Yes, sex is great, but because it is so great, it needs to be kept for the specialness of marraige. You and your fiancee are becoming one, when you are not yet one before God.
Do you think God doesn’t know this? If you really love her, why are you putting her soul in mortal danger? If you don’t care about your own, fine, but the one you should love before yourself, you don’t care about?

You need to do more to be a Catholic than go to church for 45 minutes once a week. Being a Catholic means you live your life that way **That others know you are **a Catholic by how you live your life. It’s not easy to be a good Catholic, but the things in life I find hard to do, I value much more. You wanted my opinion, you now have it. What you do with it is now up to you.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Aboveallbereal]

I’m curious as to why at the mature age of 27 you do not propose marriage to the girl you “know” you will spend the rest of your life with.

I’m not showing a prurient interest. I’m simply putting that out to you. Why not marry her if you “know” ( I use your word ) you will spend your life with her.

I am the thick end of 20 years older than you. Believe me things can fall through your fingers my friend and what you “know” very often doesn’t actually happen. Take my word for it.

 

[ab75]

I’m curious as to why at the mature age of 27 you do not propose marriage to the girl you “know” you will spend the rest of your life with.

I’m not showing a prurient interest. I’m simply putting that out to you. Why not marry her if you “know” ( I use your word ) you will spend your life with her.

I am the thick end of 20 years older than you. Believe me things can fall through your fingers my friend and what you “know” very often doesn’t actually happen. Take my word for it.

He has, they are engaged. This is one of the issues with the way we live in this society. While there are certainly benefits to not getting married too early and having longer courting periods and engagements for discernment, it certainly makes abstaining more difficult. I know my wife and I had a longer engagement than we would have liked simply because of the time it takes to plan a wedding in this culture and the dates we could get the places to have it.

 

[chickenkatsu]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I havent married her yet because we have been engaged just under a year, it takes time to plan a wedding. I only met her when i was 25.

a poster was saying that i was being a catholic for 45 mins and that its meant to be full time…i think you have misunderstood me. I meant that for that 45 minutes, the world is different. After that 45 mins, it seems to be a very different world outside. I wasnt saying that I am only a catholic for 45 mins.

I know all the bible passages that has been quoted to me in this thread but it doesnt make it any easier, at least for me. Its easy to give instructions and to have commandments but its so hard to actually follow sometimes. And I really think that is the reality. I think that some Catholics need to also realise that they are indeed human as well.

Also, I was bought up with a strict catholic upbringing. Its just hard when you realise nobody around you in society has the same morals and ideals as I do. So, sometimes its easy to succumb.

 

[JRKH]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I havent married her yet because we have been engaged just under a year, it takes time to plan a wedding. I only met her when i was 25.

So good to know that the wedding is in the works. May God be with you in your plannnig and in all the days of your lives together.

a poster was saying that i was being a catholic for 45 mins and that its meant to be full time…i think you have misunderstood me. I meant that for that 45 minutes, the world is different. After that 45 mins, it seems to be a very different world outside. I wasnt saying that I am only a catholic for 45 mins.

This is good. I don’t know if I am the poster you are refering to, I know I made some comments about making sure we that carry our faith with us always - If I am, I guess that I didn’t communicate to well…My apologies.

I know all the bible passages that has been quoted to me in this thread but it doesnt make it any easier, at least for me. Its easy to give instructions and to have commandments but its so hard to actually follow sometimes. And I really think that is the reality. I think that some Catholics need to also realise that they are indeed human as well.

Also, I was bought up with a strict catholic upbringing. Its just hard when you realise nobody around you in society has the same morals and ideals as I do. So, sometimes its easy to succumb.

I suspect that most of the advice you have received here has been from people who have been whre you are, or in some similar place.
It IS hard to live in the self centered, hedonistic world and not succumb. It IS hard to follow the commandments, not just sometimes, but many times. And all too often we fail, not just you but each and every one of us. But this does not mean we should stay down. God has provided us with this beautiful Church, and the sacrament of reconciliation so that each time we falter and fail we can come running back to Him, confess, apologize, promise to do better, and be welcomed home.

The world needs our example more than ever. There is a quote floating around that says, “you must be the change that you wish to see in the world”, or something like that. This is the call that we all have as Christians. To be that change, to exude the true Christian Life and ideals of Love in society. Many will ignore us. Others will mock us. Those of like mind will gravitate to us. But through it all we must be what God calls us to. Love God with all your heart, and Love your neighbor as yourself.

Peace
James

 

[Gem]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I havent married her yet because we have been engaged just under a year, it takes time to plan a wedding. I only met her when i was 25.

a poster was saying that i was being a catholic for 45 mins and that its meant to be full time…i think you have misunderstood me. I meant that for that 45 minutes, the world is different. After that 45 mins, it seems to be a very different world outside. I wasnt saying that I am only a catholic for 45 mins.

I know all the bible passages that has been quoted to me in this thread but it doesnt make it any easier, at least for me. Its easy to give instructions and to have commandments but its so hard to actually follow sometimes. And I really think that is the reality. I think that some Catholics need to also realise that they are indeed human as well.

Also, I was bought up with a strict catholic upbringing. Its just hard when you realise nobody around you in society has the same morals and ideals as I do. So, sometimes its easy to succumb.

I know what you mean about the world seeming better when you’re in church. To me, it always seems easier in church to follow the Lord. But I think that is action of the grace of God that is given to us when we go to Mass. And that is why you should continue to go. But you need to not deceive yourself and get back in a state of grace as soon as you can. Come back to Him. You will find Him very merciful.

Gem

 

[markomalley]

Hi Everyone

I have a dillemma…I am 27 years old and have gone to mass my whole life. Lately, i havent gone much. Its hard to be a Catholic and exist in a society that isnt. Its so hard co-existing between being catholic and living life…it causes me so much stress.

I feel that what happens when I go to church doesnt happen once I step outside it. Its two completely different worlds.

I love Jesus, plain and simple, but i am not perfect. I have premarital sex with my fiance and I know that this is forbidden but I have waited for 27 years to make love. I only just lost my virginity. I lost it to a woman i love and will spend the rest of my life with.

I know that people will say that Its not possible for me to have a relationship with God now that i have had premarital sex, but i refuse to let anyone tell me that. I will have a relationship with God no matter what anyone tells me.

The premarital sex aside, does anyone else feel that its two different worlds? One world is for 45 minutes when your at church, and the other is the rest of the time outside the church.

Welcome to the human race. IT consists of a whole bunch of us fallen people.

My suggestion: daily Mass and regular confession.

Which brings up a really interesting (to me) question: do you regret having slipped or are you glad that you are having premarital sex? My suggestions to you would be completely different depending upon your answer.

The short version is that if you are contrite, get thee to confession sooner rather than later. If your betrothed is Catholic, the same advice applies to her. And then avoid the near occasion of sin. Collaborate with her to avoid the near occasion of sin – don’t get yourselves in a position to where you both get so hot and bothered that you lose self-control.

On the other hand, if you’re not contrite (but think you should be), you (both) need formation so that your conscience is formed to think with the mind of the Church. Look at the CCC. Understand the teachings of JPII in regard to the Theology of the Body. Understand the relationship between you two is going to be an analog to the relationship to Christ and His Church. Understand the holy bonds that you two are going to have and the spiritual significance that sex has to that relationship. Of course, that is not going to decrease the physical urges, but it will help you understand them in regard to what should happen.

If, yet on still another hand, you are not contrite and are looking for justification, why would you be posting your question?

---

On the point of dealing with one world inside the Church and one world outside the Church…you are living in a world that is in a post-Christian era, one that is almost completely dedicated to the “prince of the power of the air.” (See Ephesians 2:2). When you recognize that almost everything out there: the fashions, the publications, the music, the television, the movies, and almost every other non-Catholic stimuli is aimed at moving you away from Christ (and, unfortunately, that includes a whole bunch of heterodox “Catholic” stimuli as well), that will help you appreciate what is happening in the world.

My suggestion on that is to get rid of the profane in your life, at least for a while. Jesus said “you cannot serve both God and mammon” and He was 100% right. While, specifically, he was talking about wealth, that can be actually interpreted as the profane (worldly stuff). (See Matt 6:21, 12:35, 2 Cor 7:1, Gal 6:8, etc.). If you dispose of the profane in your life for a while, it will make it far easier to keep your thoughts on the things of God. Then living in accord with the teachings of His Church becomes a little less onerous.