Really struggling with NFP

[Eugene]

My wife and I have been following NFP since our wedding day more than 16 years ago. But I honestly cannot say that it has brought us closer together. I have so many issues with the Church’s teaching on contraception that I do not know where to begin.

1. I understand that the problem for me is not NFP per say but that the Church only advocates naturally family planning and any form of artificial contraception is not allowed.
2. We have 5 kids ranging from 1 to 12 years. The last pregancy really knocked my wife physically and she has been struggling with the last 3 pregancies. I’m afraid another one will break the camel’s back. She still has problems with her back even though the youngest one is now nearly two. We are both in our forties and have no family support as we are immigrants. There are more factors at play but it suffices to say that we have prayerfully discerned that 5 is enough.
3. When our usable time comes around we obviously have to use this time as much as possible. However, what happens very often is that my wife feels compelled to make love and so she tries irrespective of how tired she feels or how emotionally close. I feel she puts a lot of pressure on herself and struggles to “get there”. To me it often comes down to us doing it for the sake of doing it. Is this how its suposed to be?

In theory we may have a few days to use but in practice we can seldom manage more than two for various reasons. Raising 5 kids means a busy household so there’s fatigue and some serious sleep deprivation. What if we’re not emotionally connected? Sometimes I’m away traveling for work. Sometimes her back really plays up and there are other complications.

But of course the days when things are okay, when I manage to get home early from the office, etc. we cannot use.

1. She very often has long cycles. Since we were caught out with our last baby, we have decided to only go up to day 7. Which means only 2 - 3 days at most before waiting for ovulation to occurr. This can take up to 3 weeks or more which is the case this month. Thus in general 60% to 80% of the month is not available to us. The way I thus see it is if you do not want to hve more kids then the Church says you cannot make love for 60% to 80% of the month. I find this a very harsh teaching I really struggle to reconcile with.
2. As a man there are huge daily challenges to sexual purity I have to face. Woman in the office and on street and the way they dress, etc. I am committed that my wife is the only person I focus my sexual energies on and this leads to a lot of frustration for me as love making is so seldom.

She does not have a real issue with following NFP and admits that when she is fertile she feels more attracted to me. Of course these few days we cannot use. The rest of the time is not such an issue to her as the pressures of life she experiences do not lend itself to her having as strong desires as myself.

1. I tend to agree with some of the posts I have read here that if NFP is used not to conceive then really it is used with a contraceptive mentality. So what’s the diff’s? I remember the days I got married one of the questions we had to answer is whether we are open to the gift of children. We both said yes. But surely that question is not eternally binding? I feel we have ligitimate reasons for not wanting to have more kids at this stage. So we are not open to having more kids now. Are we wrong now for having changed our stance on this question?
2. Every act of lovemaking should be open to new life. But if a woman is in her infertile phase how can this be true? I mean this is exactly the times couples who follow NFP use not to conceive. And this do this because they are not open to new life. So is this nt using NFP with a contraceptive mentality? It is natural contraceptive the way I see it but how’s that different if I say sterilise myself? To me this is riddled with contradictions!
3. I have spoken to a few of my friends and men in the parish and it is all the same story. Some do not follow NFP but those who do really struggle with it. The wives don’t in general. There is a very highly respected gentlemen in our diocese who runs a men’s ministry and he does not see a loving God sending me to hell if I decide not to follow NFP anymore based on our circumstances.

I have spoken to a few priests as well and some are more relaxed than others on this subject. I know what the Church teaches, I have read what Christopher West writes and all this makes me wonder maybe I’m not holy enough. Maybe I lack sef control?

I wonder how couples, especially men in my position who follow NFP cope and manage their sexuality. I’m yet to find one. Does not mean that they’re not out there, it’s just I have not met one who is in the same lifestage as myself, facing the same issues and finds NFP life giving.

 

[Xantippe]

I read a lot of advice columns, and the funny thing is that out in the secular world, there are a lot of couples who don’t use NFP, aren’t having sex at all and haven’t for years. In fact, I would suggest that NFP helps couples your age with frequency, in that it provides urgency. Remember the Protestant couple from The Meaning of Life? They could be having crazy sex all the time, but they’re not. The fact that you and your wife have five kids, have been married all these years, are still having sex and still want to have sex is fantastic.

Don’t beat yourself up over the fact that your wife seems to be just being dutiful about having sex with you.

 

[jpjd]

It’s a difficult road and you have described it well. This difficulty is why so many Catholics do not follow NFP, and the fact that you still do is exactly why YOU in fact are very holy, my friend.

 

[St_Francis]

I just wanted to address one point: the difference between abstaining when one is avoiding pregnancy and using abc when avoiding pregnancy is that in the one case you don’t have sex: you are sacrificing a good, and in the other case you are stealing the good while rejecting the possible consequence.

This is an awful analogy, but it’s like forcing oneself to vomit after eating in order to lose weight rather than eating less.

This situation you and your wife find yourself in is a difficult one, and you might use your need for help to encourage you to grow closer to God. For example, in terms of the visual temptations at work, ask God to help you to gain more custody of your eyes and mind.

I hope you may be able to find a priest who will be able to help you use the aids God gives us in prayer, offering things up, etc.

 

[Otche_Nash]

You are a good man, and i appreciate your struggles. I have been divorced for 14 years and total abstinence is also a heavy cross to bear, but like you, i don’t want to end up in hell, so i bear it. I think partial abstinence might be more difficult though, you know, most people find it easier to quit smoking, than to try and only have a couple a day.
My question is, would it be a sin for her to relieve you by means other than sexual intercourse? I’m interested to know the answer to this also, since i hope to be married again someday.

 

[JerryZ]

You are a good man, and i appreciate your struggles. I have been divorced for 14 years and total abstinence is also a heavy cross to bear, but like you, i don’t want to end up in hell, so i bear it. I think partial abstinence might be more difficult though, you know, most people find it easier to quit smoking, than to try and only have a couple a day.
My question is, **would it be a sin for her to relieve you by means other than sexual intercourse? ** I’m interested to know the answer to this also, since i hope to be married again someday.

Ahh yes indeed a sin it is. Same as doing it yourself. We try to rationalize our disorders cleverly. The deceiver is very very subtle and crafty.

Peace

 

[GreyRabbit]

My wife and I have been following NFP since our wedding day more than 16 years ago. But I honestly cannot say that it has brought us closer together. I have so many issues with the Church’s teaching on contraception that I do not know where to begin.

While I’m no expert, I’d like to try to offer the best I can =)

1. When our usable time comes around we obviously have to use this time as much as possible. However, what happens very often is that my wife feels compelled to make love and so she tries irrespective of how tired she feels or how emotionally close. I feel she puts a lot of pressure on herself and struggles to “get there”. To me it often comes down to us doing it for the sake of doing it. Is this how its suposed to be?

"…we obviously have to…’’ Is this true? Do you really HAVE to have sex during this time “as much as possible”? By “get there” do you mean orgasm? A wife does not necessarily NEED to orgasm. If she wants to, then of course the husband ought to lovingly try to get her there, but it does not need to happen, and feeling that you need to can make the experience unpleasant, because you’re so focused on what feels difficult to reach (by you I mean a general you, not you specifically). Sex should not be done for the sake of doing it. Sex is for procreation, just as someone once said, an eye is for seeing. Sex is a beautiful mutual giving and receiving that holds nothing back, and does not merely/only take.

In theory we may have a few days to use but in practice we can seldom manage more than two for various reasons. Raising 5 kids means a busy household so there’s fatigue and some serious sleep deprivation. What if we’re not emotionally connected? Sometimes I’m away traveling for work. Sometimes her back really plays up and there are other complications.

But of course the days when things are okay, when I manage to get home early from the office, etc. we cannot use.

There are other ways to emotionally connect. Setting aside time for yourselves is very important. A nice dinner while the kids are watched by a babysitter, or even making dinner. Giving her back rubs, sending text messages to let her know you’re thinking of her. Leaving a flower somewhere where she’ll find it. Helping around the house. Giving her a hug and telling her you’re thankful for her. And for those days when “things are okay” have fun in a clean way, besides doing the above, flirt a little, go out for ice cream, enjoy your family!

1. She very often has long cycles. Since we were caught out with our last baby, we have decided to only go up to day 7. Which means only 2 - 3 days at most before waiting for ovulation to occurr. This can take up to 3 weeks or more which is the case this month. Thus in general 60% to 80% of the month is not available to us. The way I thus see it is if you do not want to hve more kids then the Church says you cannot make love for 60% to 80% of the month. I find this a very harsh teaching I really struggle to reconcile with.

As you may have seen, there are many people who have trouble with this. But again, remember that sex is for procreation. Thankfully God made it so that it would be pleasurable (under the right circumstances) but that doesn’t mean we just go at it whenever we want. Sex is a gift God gave us, not a privilege we deserve.

 

[GreyRabbit]

1. As a man there are huge daily challenges to sexual purity I have to face. Woman in the office and on street and the way they dress, etc. I am committed that my wife is the only person I focus my sexual energies on and this leads to a lot of frustration for me as love making is so seldom.

I feel for men, because I understand that, as women have huge challenges, men do too, and I think many people–usually secular–don’t realize it. Prayer. Prayer is more powerful than you may realize. Tell God what you are feeling and going through; train your mind and your thoughts to not dwell both on the women you see, but also on your frustration. Don’t hold onto it, offer it up to God, use your frustration as something to bring you closer to Him by nailing it to His cross. But don’t forget to thank Him for what you have. Turn your thoughts away from the women and frustrations by thanking Him for the air in your lungs, for the day He’s giving you to live, for your wife, for your children, who are a product of your love.

She does not have a real issue with following NFP and admits that when she is fertile she feels more attracted to me. Of course these few days we cannot use. The rest of the time is not such an issue to her as the pressures of life she experiences do not lend itself to her having as strong desires as myself.

As you may know, women are wired differently than men. We tend to be able to love our husbands without showing it through sex, which I personally wonder if it’s a compensation for not being able to orgasm as easily! Lol. But this isn’t to say that men only love their wives this way, or that wives don’t enjoy/want sex. And yes, during fertility, is when we’re more in the mood, but this too, is to be offered up when we know we won’t engage in sex. Instead, husband and wife channel their energies into offering it up through prayer, and by doing other things such as the ideas stated above.

1. I tend to agree with some of the posts I have read here that if NFP is used not to conceive then really it is used with a contraceptive mentality. So what’s the diff’s? I remember the days I got married one of the questions we had to answer is whether we are open to the gift of children. We both said yes. But surely that question is not eternally binding? I feel we have ligitimate reasons for not wanting to have more kids at this stage. So we are not open to having more kids now. Are we wrong now for having changed our stance on this question?

A contraceptive mentality is saying “I want to take whenever I want, not give, and I reject God in this union of our bodies. I do not want to give Him the choice to give us a child, which is the fruit of love(making).” NFP is saying “God gave us a natural time of infertility and fertility. Although we may have relations during a time of infertility, we still invite God into this union and do not impede Him from granting us a child, should He choose to do so.” There is nothing wrong with have legit reasons for not having more children. And yes, when you agreed to be open to the gift of children, it is eternally binding. You promised God, because your marriage vows are a promise to God. How can we say “we promise this only for so long as it conveniences us?” Again, sex is for procreation. It’s like saying, “I’m too full to eat another bite, but I will continue eating because it’s a pleasure to me, even though doing so is detrimental to my health.”

1. Every act of lovemaking should be open to new life. But if a woman is in her infertile phase how can this be true? I mean this is exactly the times couples who follow NFP use not to conceive. And this do this because they are not open to new life. So is this nt using NFP with a contraceptive mentality? It is natural contraceptive the way I see it but how’s that different if I say sterilise myself? To me this is riddled with contradictions!

See above answer.
If you sterilize yourself, is that really natural? Did it happen according to God’s will? Or according to yours? Was it something God did? Or something you went to another (i.e. a doctor) for? And to Whom will we have to answer to, if we do something against His will and thus, not natural? Keep in mind, that contraceptives and sterilizing our reproduction does not just affect us, it affects our spouse, our family, our community. Sin spreads to degrees we cannot even imagine.

 

[GreyRabbit]

1. I have spoken to a few of my friends and men in the parish and it is all the same story. Some do not follow NFP but those who do really struggle with it. The wives don’t in general. There is a very highly respected gentlemen in our diocese who runs a men’s ministry and he does not see a loving God sending me to hell if I decide not to follow NFP anymore based on our circumstances.

Pray for that man. And for your friends. They are in need of prayer, and because you understand their struggles, you can offer yours for their sake. God is loving, oh yes, but He is also just. He does not set rules just so we can break them whenever they become inconvenient. He made them for love of us, because they would lead us closer to Him. So naturally, He would care that we’ve broken them, because doing so causes us to stray from Him.

I have spoken to a few priests as well and some are more relaxed than others on this subject. I know what the Church teaches, I have read what Christopher West writes and all this makes me wonder maybe I’m not holy enough. Maybe I lack self control?

No one but the saints are “holy enough”. Yet we are to strive for sainthood, and by sainthood I don’t just mean trying to become a saint here on earth. It also means getting to Heaven, because once we’re in Heaven, we become saints. We are to try, with everything we’ve got. Perhaps it is a lack of self control, and/or perhaps it’s also a misunderstanding of what sex is for, and of how we are to use it.
Also, pray for the priests. Regardless of what they do or say, they are constantly and unceasingly attacked by the devil, who hates them greatly.

I wonder how couples, especially men in my position who follow NFP cope and manage their sexuality. I’m yet to find one. Does not mean that they’re not out there, it’s just I have not met one who is in the same lifestage as myself, facing the same issues and finds NFP life giving.

I’m not a man, but I am married. I have learned a lot, and I continue to learn. The above I’ve given come from my own faith journey that has thus far been tread. But again, I still have much to learn.

I hope and pray that you find the guidance you need, and that God not only helps you to find your answers, but also opens the eyes of your heart so that you may recognize the answers He gives, and grants you the grace to accept them.

God bless you and yours!
Grey