Reasons I don't want to stay with my MIL

[Allegra]

Gaaaah!

Here’s the only thing that occurs to me–she’s getting really rigid and set in her ways as she gets older.

I hope to shout. I just hope that DH stays strong on the issue from now on. If he just says, “We’re staying at a hotel,” then we never have to explain why. If we have to change plans because he caved in again, then she’s going to know that we don’t like staying with her. The last I had heard, we were staying with his dad this time. The next thing I know, we’re going to MIL’s house. He and I are on the same page about how uncomfortable and inappropriate the house is for us to stay there, but when he talks to his mom, he gets temporary amnesia about it. He wants for her to get to see the baby, after all.

 

[bisco]

because of sin, we don’t communicate well. mil probably invites hoping son will say no, and probably says yes because he thinks mom really wants you to stay there. both are afraid of hurting the others feelings.

 

[Allegra]

Here’s a thought:

perhaps MIL doesn’t really enjoy having visitors either???
Maybe DH just THINKS they want you all there so often.
Maybe they’d just as soon you all stayed elsewhere when you’re in town.
It’s worth a try…sometimes sons and daughters still believe they are the little princess or little prince. That the parents have not moved beyond their growing up years, where everything had to be done a certain way. If they can function with you guys living in another state, they can probably manage holiday visits where you are not underfoot.
Maybe DH should reconsider the whole arrangement. Good luck dear one!

It’s not that. She complains and gets him with the guilt trip if we stay in a hotel or with another relative. Although, I think she must be less anxious when we aren’t there as there aren’t so many extra shoes. (She doesn’t like the sight of shoes.)

 

[pianistclare]

I hope to shout. I just hope that DH stays strong on the issue from now on. If he just says, “We’re staying at a hotel,” then we never have to explain why. If we have to change plans because he caved in again, then she’s going to know that we don’t like staying with her. The last I had heard, we were staying with his dad this time. The next thing I know, we’re going to MIL’s house. He and I are on the same page about how uncomfortable and inappropriate the house is for us to stay there, but when he talks to his mom, he gets temporary amnesia about it. He wants for her to get to see the baby, after all.

And she won’t come and see you on your own turf?

 

[Allegra]

because of sin, we don’t communicate well. mil probably invites hoping son will say no, and probably says yes because he thinks mom really wants you to stay there. both are afraid of hurting the others feelings.

If that’s the case, she’s a really good actor. I don’t know how to make myself cry like that.

 

[Allegra]

And she won’t come and see you on your own turf?

She does. She came up for baby’s first birthday and for her Baptism. We still have to go up to Wisconsin though because he has other family members he wants to see. And since we only go up a few times a year, she’s going to get bent out of joint if she doesn’t get to see her grandbaby while we’re there.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s not that. She complains and gets him with the guilt trip if we stay in a hotel or with another relative. Although, I think she must be less anxious when we aren’t there as there aren’t so many extra shoes. (She doesn’t like the sight of shoes.)

It is possible to

1. feel obligated to host you guys and like a bad mom/grandma if you aren’t staying with her

and

1. feel miserable about having you there.

 

[Allegra]

It is possible to

1. feel obligated to host you guys and like a bad mom/grandma if you aren’t staying with her

and

1. feel miserable about having you there.

That’s more or less the way it seems. That doesn’t mean she needs to burn us alive though. Just sayin.

 

[Cat]

Am I understanding you correctly that there is no means of exit from the basement guest room other than up the stairs? The window(s) is(are) too small for an adult to climb through?

In our city, this is illegal. If people are staying in the basement, there MUST be a means of egress other than the stairs. And this is a good law! This isn’t an idiotic “nanny law,” (e.g., sodas can be no larger than 15 oz.). This is a GOOD and SENSIBLE law that helps people!

If there were a fire in that house blocking the stairwell, you and your family would die a horrible death. It makes me shiver to think about.

I wouldn’t stay there. If my husband made a fuss, I would tell him, “Fine, you stay, I and the children are taking the car and driving to a hotel.” If he wouldn’t let you drive, I would bundle myself and the kids up warm and WALK to a hotel, and hopefully a kind truck driver would stop and give us a ride!

If you want to be mean, tell the local authorities that your MIL keeps guests in a basement with only one means of egress. They might go after her and put a stop to it. On second thought, that’s not being mean at all, it’s being kind! Do it!

I remember when Dr. Laura was on the radio in her prime. She used to talk about people who were merely annoying and frustrating, and people who were truly evil. The first group of people must be tolerated lovingly. The second group of people should be avoided at all costs. It sounds to me like these parents-in-law are teetering toward the truly evil side. Perhaps your husband should be encouraged to continue to visit them, but the rest of you should stay away. You won’t be missing anything. Send cards and letters/email, and make sure your children know who they are, and eventually, when your children are old enough to understand the dangers and know how to avoid these dangers, you could all visit them again.

 

[1ke]

Well if you need to show your DH some replies, lack of egress from the basement (that they are illegally using as a bedroom) is sufficient reason.

I live in WI and it is not legal to have a bedroom in a basement unless it has egress. (Not to mention the stupidity of such a proposition)

 

[Allegra]

Am I understanding you correctly that there is no means of exit from the basement guest room other than up the stairs? The window(s) is(are) too small for an adult to climb through?

In our city, this is illegal. If people are staying in the basement, there MUST be a means of egress other than the stairs. And this is a good law! This isn’t an idiotic “nanny law,” (e.g., sodas can be no larger than 15 oz.). This is a GOOD and SENSIBLE law that helps people!

If there were a fire in that house blocking the stairwell, you and your family would die a horrible death. It makes me shiver to think about.

I wouldn’t stay there. If my husband made a fuss, I would tell him, “Fine, you stay, I and the children are taking the car and driving to a hotel.” If he wouldn’t let you drive, I would bundle myself and the kids up warm and WALK to a hotel, and hopefully a kind truck driver would stop and give us a ride!

If you want to be mean, tell the local authorities that your MIL keeps guests in a basement with only one means of egress. They might go after her and put a stop to it. On second thought, that’s not being mean at all, it’s being kind! Do it!

I remember when Dr. Laura was on the radio in her prime. She used to talk about people who were merely annoying and frustrating, and people who were truly evil. The first group of people must be tolerated lovingly. The second group of people should be avoided at all costs. It sounds to me like these parents-in-law are teetering toward the truly evil side. Perhaps your husband should be encouraged to continue to visit them, but the rest of you should stay away. You won’t be missing anything. Send cards and letters/email, and make sure your children know who they are, and eventually, when your children are old enough to understand the dangers and know how to avoid these dangers, you could all visit them again.

That is correct. They also don’t believe in beepy smoke alarms. I really don’t think they’re evil though. I think they are being extremely foolish. I’m sure the rooms in the basement aren’t legal bedrooms. When they sell the house, they’ll call them storage rooms or offices and no one will bat an eye. They will probably have to fix the number of ballisters in the stair rail though.

 

[shelby_sun]

I feel for you, and I would certainly not stay with them either. MIL live about 20 minutes away; however, for no good reason, they moved into a smaller house in a very seedy neighborhood. The first time my husband took our kids there a ten yr old on a bike gave her the finger as she was getting out of the car and said some vile things to her. When my husband told the kids that they were going back for Thanksgiving all my kids refused to go. I told my husband I would not allow our children to be put in potentially dangerous situation for anyone, even his parents.

 

[pianistclare]

Game set match.
No egress no smoke alarms.
You couldn’t pay me to stay there. With a small child, no less!
Their homeowners insurance certainly has a clause that requires smoke alarms.
This woman is really pushing her own safety.
DH should talk to her about it. And you, dear one, should make reservations.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I was on your side until you complained about the coffee. Then I had a good laugh. I would drop that one from the list.

Of course, your dispute has very little to do with your mother-in-law. It is with your husband. You should look into marital counseling before this gets out of hand.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Enjoy your hotel! I support your decision.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Her offenses seem kind of petty and forgivable if she were the kind of person you liked. I would keep everything you’ve written here private and tell your husband you want to sleep in a place with better child proofing.

 

[Xantippe]

Her offenses seem kind of petty and forgivable if she were the kind of person you liked. I would keep everything you’ve written here private and tell your husband you want to sleep in a place with better child proofing.

Aside from the no functioning fire alarms, no landline, and a basement death trap guest bedroom set up.

 

[underacloud]

Yes, as PaulfromIowa and Monicad have identified, the issue is with the husband here.

He needs to man up. If you print this thread for him to read, I hope he gets the message. What kind of husband subjects his wife and children to such horrid conditions as sleeping in a basement? A basement with no second exit in case the wood stove above starts a fire that won’t be picked up by working smoke detectors?

Of course it strikes me that there is a larger issue here. The long list of reasons merely disguises the fact that you hate staying there and your husband either doesn’t get it or ignores it. Thus, even if the key reasons are addressed, you would still hate staying there. That really should be enough. But until husband “gets it”, the safety issue alone is sufficient to refuse to stay there.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Aside from the no functioning fire alarms, no landline, and a basement death trap guest bedroom set up.

I think that those concerns would fall under childproofing. My only point is that mentioning annoyance at TV or sleeping habits is probably counterproductive and unnecessary. You know, “why don’t you like my mother?” The only other legit concern, the one that takes precedence over all others, is coffee. You can’t possibly expect anyone to start their day in a place that serves thin watery coffee .

 

[pianistclare]

I think that those concerns would fall under childproofing. My only point is that mentioning annoyance at TV or sleeping habits is probably counterproductive and unnecessary. You know, “why don’t you like my mother?” The only other legit concern, the one that takes precedence over all others, is coffee. You can’t possibly expect anyone to start their day in a place that serves thin watery coffee .

My though exactly.
Seriously though…sounds like DH is really wanting to rebuild his family experience with his new small family.
Doesn’t work that way.
it is what it is, and rather than trying to force the issue, then MIL and others can come and visit them.
Praying for them to find a good compromise.