Reasons someone should stay single...at least for now

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I wanted to start a thread where people could post reasons why they think a person, who would otherwise like to pursue dating/courting, would be better served by staying single (even if only temporarily).

Example: the person needs to strengthen their relationship with God, they recently endured a break-up, they’re recovering from addiction, etc

I’ll post my reason for starting this thread below, but I was hoping this thread could be useful to others who are questioning whether or not they should be open to dating. General recommendations are welcome 🙂
I’ll be honest…I wish I had a special someone in my life. I’ve always wanted to get married, ever since I was a little girl. But as I take an honest look at my current life situation, I feel like it just wouldn’t be prudent for me to dedicate time and energy to a romantic relationship. Maybe not ever (which isn’t the worst that could happen of course…)

Truth is, I’m a single (never married) mom, and have been getting treated on and off for cancer for over 3 years now. Thankfully the medicine I am on now allows me to at least attend school (online)…and I am trying to take steps to care for my health as much as I can…but my health and energy levels will probably never be as strong as the average person my age (currently mid-20s).

I think it’s possible that I may just need to develop a stronger social circle. I truly desire to have a best friend who shares the faith. None of my family members are Catholic with an exception of one who I love dearly, but has drifted a bit. I have some good friends but none who I would consider a best friend. Life just gets a little lonely I suppose.

I humbly ask, for anyone who is willing, to pray for me and my little ones. God bless ❤️
 
Hi, good luck with your online classes and finding a best friend!

Will pray for you and your kids.
 
Discernment. Maybe the person does not want to be attached to someone while he/she figures out how he/she has been called by God (personal experience; long story which will take quite a while).

I’ll be praying for you! I do hope you find a worthy companion/friend in life 🙂
 
My thoughts and experience on the matter go like this: For a long time, I did not have a job at all. I did not feel like I should be dating at all because of that. That’s because, on top of obviously not being able to really afford going out or buying gifts, I also would not be able to seriously accomplish what dating would be ordered to: marriage.

It is true that marriage is a sacrament wherein God binds two people together in Him in a 'til death relationship of love and self-sacrifice. I don’t think I would be pulling my weight if I did not enter into marriage with a certain hope that I would have a job for the long run. Without money, how can you pay for the welfare of children - or even each other?

So I would not recommend anyone who does not have a job and doesn’t have much hope of getting one any time soon do dating or get married. If you’re already married, and if you have kids, get a job, please.
 
I’ve had an annulment since March of 2007, but have only been open to dating since January of this year…and then only started dating in August.

My reasons for waiting eight years:
  • I am also a single mom. My son needed me to be stable, focused on being a mom, helping him grow up, start school, develop confidence in his parents’ love for him (even though we’re divorced).
  • I needed to work on the things within me that caused me to enter into a non-sacramental marriage that ended in divorce.
  • I needed to work on my career, taking courses to increase my pay, and earn continuing education units and an added endorsement for my license.
  • I needed to get to a place where I didn’t need to be in a relationship, but could be delighted to continue serving God as a single woman for the rest of my life, should He desire that for me.
At the beginning of this year, I suddenly felt like I was ready to be open to the possibility that God might call me to marriage. I joined Catholic Match – if there are single Catholic men my age in my world, I don’t know them – and have enjoyed exchanging messages without expecting a relationship.

I’m glad I waited all those years and just took care of the business at hand. I can’t imagine going through all the ups and downs of figuring out dating if I hadn’t gotten other things settled first 😊

Thank you for starting this thread, M2L. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, dear. Being a single mom is difficult enough without also having to deal with serious health concerns. If you don’t already, I recommend developing a strong devotion to St Joseph. If he was good enough to protect our Blessed Mother and the Child Jesus, he’s good enough for me.

God bless you all!
 
Jim91, thank you for your kind words and your prayers. We appreciate them very much. 🙂

liturgy96, thank you for sharing and thank you for your prayers. I can definitely understand the need to be unattached while one is discerning God’s will.

TarkanAttila, I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut. I think what you said makes perfect sense. One can’t really accomplish many of the important tasks related to marriage and family without a reliable source of income.

Gertabelle, thank you so much for sharing some details about your personal experience. Some of your words really resonated for me. I think I ought to put some of your wisdom to practice and simply focus my time on taking care of me and my children, as well as making efforts to establish myself financially. Marriage may or may not become a reality for me, but motherhood certainly already is. 🙂
 
Well I’m resigned to being single at the moment I’m working through issues of a financial matter and housing matter and with my work schedule it doesn’t leave much time for a relationship. So I haven’t pursued one for a while. :rolleyes:
 
I’m single because I’m still not safe to be around. That’s just a fact. I’ve only recently quit my main addictions as of 7 months ago so I mean there’s no way I’m going to be bringing that along into some kind of good person’s world. I don’t think I’m really ever going to have another relationship either. I’ve got this bad side to me that seems to ruin all of the friendships I ever get into. Maybe because I’ve been so self-absorbed or maybe because I don’t pay attention or maybe because I’m just not a good person. Fundamentally.

Besides that I’ve got the whole SS attraction going on so no. I don’t think relationships are where I’m meant to be. I’ve got to stay focused. I’ve got to stay on this path I’m on. I don’t dare rock that boat.

Peace.

-Trident
 
This is something I’ve been thinking because I think right now it’s best I stay single. I am switching fields entirely and it will require a few years going to school. Plus I am struggling financially. Also, I have found a guy I click with on many levels. We share interests, same views and our families like each other a lot. In fact his mother wants to spend more time with me. However, he is struggling with addiction and just recently received court supervision for a DUI he got 2 years ago. He is in counseling (strangely this is a field I am considering) and until he recovers he’s not a good mate. However he’s drawing closer to me, revealing things he’s never told anyone else. Maybe we’ll never be together but now isn’t a good time. I mean what if we got married and were expecting? we are both struggling(he owns a store, I am a freelance trainer/website designer) and it wouldn’t be fair.
 
TeachCatechism said:
This is something I’ve been thinking because I think right now it’s best I stay single. I am switching fields entirely and it will require a few years going to school. Plus I am struggling financially. Also, I have found a guy I click with on many levels. We share interests, same views and our families like each other a lot. In fact his mother wants to spend more time with me. However, he is struggling with addiction and just recently received court supervision for a DUI he got 2 years ago. He is in counseling (strangely this is a field I am considering) and until he recovers he’s not a good mate. However he’s drawing closer to me, revealing things he’s never told anyone else. Maybe we’ll never be together but now isn’t a good time. I mean what if we got married and were expecting? we are both struggling(he owns a store, I am a freelance trainer/website designer) and it wouldn’t be fair.
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Please. Please. Please. Stay away from this guy. Please. There is no cure for addictions. None. So he’s never going to get better. At best he’s just going to stay stable for a while. Maybe even for a long time. Until you need him most. But I mean please. If you knew what I’ve done to the people I loved in the name of addictions. If you had any idea. Please don’t ever get close to a guy like that. I/they simply cannot be trusted. Not at all. I’m sorry to say it that way. I just can’t bear to see someone else have their life wrecked by a guy like that. By a guy like me.

So yeah. You’re right. It’s best to stay single. But even better. It’s best to stay single and not be anywhere near a guy like that. I’m saying it because I care. Even an addict like me can care. But we can’t be trusted. Maybe after 5 or 10 years of being sober. But not before. Maybe not even then.

Peace.

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Please. Please. Please. Stay away from this guy. Please. There is no cure for addictions. None. So he’s never going to get better. At best he’s just going to stay stable for a while. Maybe even for a long time. Until you need him most. But I mean please. If you knew what I’ve done to the people I loved in the name of addictions. If you had any idea. Please don’t ever get close to a guy like that. I/they simply cannot be trusted. Not at all. I’m sorry to say it that way. I just can’t bear to see someone else have their life wrecked by a guy like that. By a guy like me.

So yeah. You’re right. It’s best to stay single. But even better. It’s best to stay single and not be anywhere near a guy like that. I’m saying it because I care. Even an addict like me can care. But we can’t be trusted. Maybe after 5 or 10 years of being sober. But not before. Maybe not even then.

Peace.

-Trident
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The only problem is he’s the only guy fitting what I desire. The others are much older or with kids or other weird guys. He’s a nice guy at least, only a few years older without kids and not perverted.
 
TeachCatechism said:
The only problem is he’s the only guy fitting what I desire. The others are much older or with kids or other weird guys. He’s a nice guy at least a few years older without kids and not perverted.
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Maybe you like the fact that he’s got depth. Maybe you like the challenge of being his savior. Maybe you just want to nurture him and figure all he needs is love. Maybe you’ve just got such an interest in your topic of study that you’re letting it creep into your personal life. I don’t know.

But be careful. Please know that an addict is a natural manipulator. They are so used to lying to themselves they get lying to other people down pat. They’ll tell you what you want to hear. They’ll walk a mile with you and hold your hand. They’ll even tear up if they have to. But it all comes to nothing when the choice is between you and their addiction. But I mean you know this. I’m not telling you something you don’t know. You just have to ask yourself how this one guy is supposed to be different from what you’ve been taught about addicts. Just because you’ve met him. Just because you’ve talked to him up close.

You can’t out-think an addict. And you can’t love him into compliance. It is like trying to tame a storm with a hug. This is a force more powerful than emotion. It is a hard-wired pleasure response reward feedback system that trumps all other things. If he hasn’t been free from substances that control him for at least a few years you are not talking to a real person. You are talking to a projection. A facade. A persona put forward to gain your sympathy and your trust. But until this guy proves he is more sympathetic to the needs of other people in the real world by giving up and staying clean, you can’t trust his words. You can’t trust the way he looks at you. You can’t trust his gestures. Or his stories. Or the way he makes you feel. Or what he does for you. Because behind all that he’s still calculating. He’s still trying to figure out how to get in the next fix without you noticing. He’s still living that double life.

He’s got to die to his addiction first. He’s got to prove it. There’s no middle ground. A guy can’t be a slave to two masters. And this kind of trouble you do not need.

I’m sorry if I sound angry or frustrated about this. I’m not. I’m worse than that. I’m desperate. It’s like a friend of yours telling you that there’s a prize to be won if only they cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. And that they’re going to do it because the prize is worth it. But they’ve never walked a tightrope before. But it can’t be that hard, right? Well yeah. It is. And no, they’re not likely going to make it to the other side. They’re not going to claim that prize. So I think you might get a little panicked too if they still seemed interested in trying.

Peace. You must have a really big heart. Please wait for someone more worthy of you. They’ll come. Just keep your eyes open for them. That’s all I’ve got to offer. That’s all the warning I can give.

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Maybe you like the fact that he’s got depth. Maybe you like the challenge of being his savior. Maybe you just want to nurture him and figure all he needs is love. Maybe you’ve just got such an interest in your topic of study that you’re letting it creep into your personal life. I don’t know.

But be careful. Please know that an addict is a natural manipulator. They are so used to lying to themselves they get lying to other people down pat. They’ll tell you what you want to hear. They’ll walk a mile with you and hold your hand. They’ll even tear up if they have to. But it all comes to nothing when the choice is between you and their addiction. But I mean you know this. I’m not telling you something you don’t know. You just have to ask yourself how this one guy is supposed to be different from what you’ve been taught about addicts. Just because you’ve met him. Just because you’ve talked to him up close.

You can’t out-think an addict. And you can’t love him into compliance. It is like trying to tame a storm with a hug. This is a force more powerful than emotion. It is a hard-wired pleasure response reward feedback system that trumps all other things. If he hasn’t been free from substances that control him for at least a few years you are not talking to a real person. You are talking to a projection. A facade. A persona put forward to gain your sympathy and your trust. But until this guy proves he is more sympathetic to the needs of other people in the real world by giving up and staying clean, you can’t trust his words. You can’t trust the way he looks at you. You can’t trust his gestures. Or his stories. Or the way he makes you feel. Or what he does for you. Because behind all that he’s still calculating. He’s still trying to figure out how to get in the next fix without you noticing. He’s still living that double life.

He’s got to die to his addiction first. He’s got to prove it. There’s no middle ground. A guy can’t be a slave to two masters. And this kind of trouble you do not need.

I’m sorry if I sound angry or frustrated about this. I’m not. I’m worse than that. I’m desperate. It’s like a friend of yours telling you that there’s a prize to be won if only they cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. And that they’re going to do it because the prize is worth it. But they’ve never walked a tightrope before. But it can’t be that hard, right? Well yeah. It is. And no, they’re not likely going to make it to the other side. They’re not going to claim that prize. So I think you might get a little panicked too if they still seemed interested in trying.

Peace. You must have a really big heart. Please wait for someone more worthy of you. They’ll come. Just keep your eyes open for them. That’s all I’ve got to offer. That’s all the warning I can give.

-Trident
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Trident - This is really insightful stuff. I worked with addicts in the criminal justice system for 20 years, the last several years in a prison setting. You nailed it regarding the behavior of addicts, using or clean. They can chew you up & spit you out and never look back. No matter how good someone believes they are in dealing with people like this, they aren’t. Even with all my education & experience I still fell in love with a sober alcoholic. (Not someone in the prison system.) Thought I knew enough to deal with it. Didn’t have a chance.

I’m single now and I believe God is calling me to stay that way for awhile.
 
Horton said:
Trident - This is really insightful stuff. I worked with addicts in the criminal justice system for 20 years, the last several years in a prison setting. You nailed it regarding the behavior of addicts, using or clean. They can chew you up & spit you out and never look back. No matter how good someone believes they are in dealing with people like this, they aren’t. Even with all my education & experience I still fell in love with a sober alcoholic. (Not someone in the prison system.) Thought I knew enough to deal with it. Didn’t have a chance.

I’m single now and I believe God is calling me to stay that way for awhile.
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Thank you Horton. I’m so glad you got through it. I’m so glad you recognized it for what it was in the end. Even though it must have been hard. And even though it must have hurt. Or even if it finally took you being hurt to get away. And I mean I’m so sorry for what I did in my own past. I mean I’m just sick about it. I can’t even imagine being in the room with that guy. But that guy is me. And I still don’t trust me. Not yet. And neither should anyone else. And that’s the truth.

Peace Horton. I hope the future is kinder to you.

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Thank you Horton. I’m so glad you got through it. I’m so glad you recognized it for what it was in the end. Even though it must have been hard. And even though it must have hurt. Or even if it finally took you being hurt to get away. And I mean I’m so sorry for what I did in my own past. I mean I’m just sick about it. I can’t even imagine being in the room with that guy. But that guy is me. And I still don’t trust me. Not yet. And neither should anyone else. And that’s the truth.

Peace Horton. I hope the future is kinder to you.

-Trident
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You too Trident. One thing I did learn in my years working with addicts is, while most never make it in the long term, some did and they were the reason I kept going back to work every day. I never knew who it would be and to be honest not too many counselors working in prisons get thank you notes, I had to believe that in my 20 years, some heard the message and changed their futures. I’m retired now and give back a lot of time to my faith community which brings me great joy.

Please continue to watch your behavior, recognize your triggers, and doing whatever type of recovery work you’re doing but start learning to forgive yourself and love yourself. You have value.
Blessings
 
Trident_H said:
Maybe you like the fact that he’s got depth. Maybe you like the challenge of being his savior. Maybe you just want to nurture him and figure all he needs is love. Maybe you’ve just got such an interest in your topic of study that you’re letting it creep into your personal life. I don’t know.

But be careful. Please know that an addict is a natural manipulator. They are so used to lying to themselves they get lying to other people down pat. They’ll tell you what you want to hear. They’ll walk a mile with you and hold your hand. They’ll even tear up if they have to. But it all comes to nothing when the choice is between you and their addiction. But I mean you know this. I’m not telling you something you don’t know. You just have to ask yourself how this one guy is supposed to be different from what you’ve been taught about addicts. Just because you’ve met him. Just because you’ve talked to him up close.

You can’t out-think an addict. And you can’t love him into compliance. It is like trying to tame a storm with a hug. This is a force more powerful than emotion. It is a hard-wired pleasure response reward feedback system that trumps all other things. If he hasn’t been free from substances that control him for at least a few years you are not talking to a real person. You are talking to a projection. A facade. A persona put forward to gain your sympathy and your trust. But until this guy proves he is more sympathetic to the needs of other people in the real world by giving up and staying clean, you can’t trust his words. You can’t trust the way he looks at you. You can’t trust his gestures. Or his stories. Or the way he makes you feel. Or what he does for you. Because behind all that he’s still calculating. He’s still trying to figure out how to get in the next fix without you noticing. He’s still living that double life.

He’s got to die to his addiction first. He’s got to prove it. There’s no middle ground. A guy can’t be a slave to two masters. And this kind of trouble you do not need.

I’m sorry if I sound angry or frustrated about this. I’m not. I’m worse than that. I’m desperate. It’s like a friend of yours telling you that there’s a prize to be won if only they cross the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. And that they’re going to do it because the prize is worth it. But they’ve never walked a tightrope before. But it can’t be that hard, right? Well yeah. It is. And no, they’re not likely going to make it to the other side. They’re not going to claim that prize. So I think you might get a little panicked too if they still seemed interested in trying.

Peace. You must have a really big heart. Please wait for someone more worthy of you. They’ll come. Just keep your eyes open for them. That’s all I’ve got to offer. That’s all the warning I can give.

-Trident
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While I do appreciate your post and what you’ve gone through and sharing, unfortunately I don’t believe anyone better is coming. It’s either him or a divorced dad and not interested in being a stepmother (plus being Catholic I have issues with that).
 
TeachCatechism said:
While I do appreciate your post and what you’ve gone through and sharing, unfortunately I don’t believe anyone better is coming. It’s either him or a divorced dad and not interested in being a stepmother (plus being Catholic I have issues with that).
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Well I’m not going to keep trying to convince you. Because you’re sort of like an addict in a way. Even though you don’t see it. I mean choosing to do what you want to do against all reason and advice. Even if it does you harm. Choosing to ignore the warning signs. Inventing ways of convincing yourself that you’re right and everyone else is wrong. I mean it’s there pretty much. Are you so addicted to love that you’ll let someone hurt you like this? Is that your drug of choice?

Last try. Here it is. You’d rather be a single mother than a step-mom? Because if you have kids that’ll be you. And then it’ll be you later on trying to convince a different guy that he wants to be a step-dad to your kids. Your kids that are all messed up because Dad has taught them all about how to expect disappointment in life. At too young an age.

But I mean I’ve learned one thing about arguing with an addict. There’s a point where you have to stop trying. Because they won’t change their mind. Not for any reason. Not until they decide it’s time.

Just let me know when that is. Because I’ll have my hands over my eyes until then. Because I just can’t stand to watch a train-wreck in progress. I can’t handle watching someone go swimming with sharks. And expect not to get hurt.

You need to know I’m crying over this. I’ve got tears in my eyes because you’re walking into my world. And you’re doing it on purpose. And I mean I’d give anything just to leave.

I don’t know what else to say.

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Well I’m not going to keep trying to convince you. Because you’re sort of like an addict in a way. Even though you don’t see it. I mean choosing to do what you want to do against all reason and advice. Even if it does you harm. Choosing to ignore the warning signs. Inventing ways of convincing yourself that you’re right and everyone else is wrong. I mean it’s there pretty much. Are you so addicted to love that you’ll let someone hurt you like this? Is that your drug of choice?

Last try. Here it is. You’d rather be a single mother than a step-mom? Because if you have kids that’ll be you. And then it’ll be you later on trying to convince a different guy that he wants to be a step-dad to your kids. Your kids that are all messed up because Dad has taught them all about how to expect disappointment in life. At too young an age.

But I mean I’ve learned one thing about arguing with an addict. There’s a point where you have to stop trying. Because they won’t change their mind. Not for any reason. Not until they decide it’s time.

Just let me know when that is. Because I’ll have my hands over my eyes until then. Because I just can’t stand to watch a train-wreck in progress. I can’t handle watching someone go swimming with sharks. And expect not to get hurt.

You need to know I’m crying over this. I’ve got tears in my eyes because you’re walking into my world. And you’re doing it on purpose. And I mean I’d give anything just to leave.

I don’t know what else to say.

-Trident
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I probably won’t have kids but yes I’d rather be a single mom than a step mom because the kids will be mine. Stepkids won’t be plus I deal with baby mama. No way. I am open to finding someone else but my choices are limited.
 
TeachCatechism said:
I probably won’t have kids but yes I’d rather be a single mom than a step mom because the kids will be mine. Stepkids won’t be plus I deal with baby mama. No way. I am open to finding someone else but my choices are limited.
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Why are your choices so limited? Do you live on a desert island? Are you only allowed out at night? Do you have claws for hands? I mean I don’t understand what sets this limit for you.

But if you have really no other options, and you’re willing to go out with an addict anyway, how about you date me? At least I’ll tell you when I’m lying to you. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just tell you I’m going to tell you. And then not do that. Because you can’t trust what I say. But I mean I guess you figured that out already. I guess that’s why you’re ignoring me now.

I don’t know. I give up. This hurts too much.

I’m so sorry. I really am. I tried.

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Why are your choices so limited? Do you live on a desert island? Are you only allowed out at night? Do you have claws for hands? I mean I don’t understand what sets this limit for you.

But if you have really no other options, and you’re willing to go out with an addict anyway, how about you date me? At least I’ll tell you when I’m lying to you. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just tell you I’m going to tell you. And then not do that. Because you can’t trust what I say. But I mean I guess you figured that out already. I guess that’s why you’re ignoring me now.

I don’t know. I give up. This hurts too much.

I’m so sorry. I really am. I tried.

-Trident
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Because finding a childless man at my age is impossible. Tried online and they weren’t serious or didn’t like me.
 
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