Rebuilding trust in marriage

[Lucky7]

I definitely agree with you that we need to be balanced, rational, and charitable. We don’t have the right to just be suspicious forever. It’s wrong to read someone’s journal, because you don’t use a journal to be unfaithful to your spouse. I don’t see the purpose in reading it besides just being indulgent or wanting to embarrass them.

Here’s a hypothetical: Suppose your husband’s phone was sitting on a table, and when it rings, you notice that it’s a phone number with no name. He takes the call, but goes to another room. When he returns, you ask him who it was. If something about his body language or answer makes you uncomfortable because of his history of betrayal, I believe you have the right to ask him to look at his call history and texts. If I was in this situation and he didn’t want to show me, claiming his right to privacy, I would have a huge problem.

I also think any snooping or inspecting also needs to be done out in the open and not in secret. In my case, my husband’s betrayal is porn. Before I would ever check an electronic device, I simply ask him, “When was the last time you looked at porn?” And there have been times that he gave me an honest answer that I didn’t want to hear. I would rather hear truth that hurts than be told a lie and be blind. If something about his answer made me uneasy, I would inform him that I am going to check the computer. For me, the thing that hurt the most about the betrayal was being lied to and kept n the dark by my own husband. I just can’t have that again. I’ve actually never checked the computer or anything because, so far, I’ve been satisfied with his answers. He does appear to have turned over a new leaf. I’ve known women who have been betrayed, but have never truly felt they’re husband had sincere repentance. Their husbands treat them as though they have no right whatsoever to question or to be concerned, and that spouses should just trust unconditionally. I believe that sometimes, trust needs to be earned back.

It is definitely unhealthy and wrong to constantly snoop and question without restraint. I’ve seen women use past infidelity to lord it over their spouse for the rest of time and think they have the right to punish him or question and snoop on a whim. They constantly bring it up and just refuse to forgive and try to heal the marriage. I regret if I gave the impression that’s okay, because I don’t believe that. Also, sorry, Lucky7 for highjacking your thread and writing so much. This is actually a bit therapeutic for me.

I completely get what you are saying and no need to apologize. I think everything written in this thread is very interesting and helpful…even those things we may disagree with.

I think my biggest concern iis for those who tout full transparency (knowing all passwords, etc) from the get-go because of past hurts in prior relationships. I think they need to be careful. There is never full transparency. Spouses that are going to cheat will find a way even if you think you have all of the information you need to prevent (?) the infidelity. On the contrary, I think it sends the message, I don’t trust you. I think that message can be more damaging in the long run.

In your situation, I guess I still think that having his computer password and access to his computer doesn’t necessarily prove anything. He could still be looking at porn elsewhere. Sure, if you don’t find it on his computer it gives you some level of comfort, but in reality you never know for sure (not to mention that computer history can be deleted). In my mind, if I can’t know for sure, then why snoop/check up on him anyway.

In my situation, I do have access to the cell phone records (and I do check them albeit not as often now). Sometimes I see numbers that I don’t know. Those unknown numbers may be anything! But where does my mind go?? The worst…when it’s probably nothing. Seriously. I can’t know every number he may call/text. At some point, you just have to…trust. And it’s that point I wish to reach as soon as possible. I think part of getting there is NOT checking his cell phone records, KWIM?

 

[Lucky7]

She trusted God that I was a great guy and that we’d build a beautiful life together. I really damaged that and so now she can’t really make herself vulnerable to God’s love. I understand it quite well because when life events trashed my perspective of God, I withdrew from him and ultimately it led down a dark path.

She says she preferred it when I was mean and passive-aggressive and cut her deeply on an emotional level but didn’t know about my sinful actions as opposed to knowing it but living with a person who has changed dramatically. I mean, she does recognize that I’ve make major changes to my life and am a very different person. It’s just that she preferred not knowing anything and she’s embarrassed for me and for herself.

Like I said, this happens really when she’s tired or frustrated or anxious. Basically when she’s vulnerable she reverts back to this line of attack. Otherwise things are actually much better for everyone involved. But it does disturb me that when she’s feeling scared she retreats into pain instead of retreating into God’s love the way she used to because I did that and it goes nowhere good.

Yeah, I’m still taking issue with blaming God for the man you are (were). We’re all sinners. God doesn’t guarantee that our marriages will be all puppies and rainbows. He doesn’t guarantee that the “great” guy He sent our way will never sin/never sin greatly. Perhaps He sent you her way because there was something she needed to learn/grow from this experience? Instead, she prefers not knowing. Until she starts to get past this not wanting to know/head in the sand/I can’t trust God mentality, she will never overcome and you and your marriage will suffer because of it.

Of course, I may not have a clue. but that’s how I’m seeing it.

 

[Lucky7]

For me and my wife it’s a work in progress. I feel that communication is the key. One issue we have is that we come from different cultural backgrounds so what makes sense to me as a solution doesn’t make sense to her. I try to practice patience and understanding and encourage her to do the same. As I said, it’s a work in progress…

Ah, communication. Absolutely. We’re working on this too. My husband is not much of a communicator (as are probably most men) so it’s been difficult. However, he has made some progress.

 

[The_Bucket]

Yeah, I’m still taking issue with blaming God for the man you are (were). We’re all sinners. God doesn’t guarantee that our marriages will be all puppies and rainbows. He doesn’t guarantee that the “great” guy He sent our way will never sin/never sin greatly. Perhaps He sent you her way because there was something she needed to learn/grow from this experience? Instead, she prefers not knowing. Until she starts to get past this not wanting to know/head in the sand/I can’t trust God mentality, she will never overcome and you and your marriage will suffer because of it.

Of course, I may not have a clue. but that’s how I’m seeing it.

Well look, I think it’s a natural reaction to have. It’s not the right reaction but it’s a natural reaction. Our first child was born very early and spent months in the NICU. I had a nervous breakdown of sorts after a couple of months. Even though I got over it, I was extremely upset with God about that. I prayed every day for my son’s health but also that my wife and I would be able to psychologically deal with it.

I blamed God for not “being there” to comfort me during this trying time. It’s absurd looking back on it, especially since our son, who is now four, got through it all with just some asthma and maybe ADD tendencies. We were expecting cerebral palsy because he had a brain bleed. We expected learning disabilities. None of that has materialized. Nevertheless I held onto resentment that God didn’t keep me from falling apart a couple of times and was not listening to my prayers. I said multiple 54-day novenas. I was sure that the prayers would be answered and answered the way I expected. It was immature to say the least but thanks to my own terrible family history, my concept of God was locked in at about 10.

Sadly, my whole concept of God was shattered and instead of trying to forge a more mature one, I got scared that I was alone and, over the course of a couple of years, ended up turning to “self-medication.” And, of course, realizing my sin, I became angry towards others because I hated myself for falling down. Rinse, repeat.

So as I said, I can understand this mindset. I’ve been there. My wife tried her hardest to pull me out of it but was unable. I didn’t think I’d have a magic touch but was hoping that there are other women who are in her shoes would be able to share how they eventually forged onward and upward.

 

[Lucky7]

Well look, I think it’s a natural reaction to have. It’s not the right reaction but it’s a natural reaction. Our first child was born very early and spent months in the NICU. I had a nervous breakdown of sorts after a couple of months. Even though I got over it, I was extremely upset with God about that. I prayed every day for my son’s health but also that my wife and I would be able to psychologically deal with it.

I blamed God for not “being there” to comfort me during this trying time. It’s absurd looking back on it, especially since our son, who is now four, got through it all with just some asthma and maybe ADD tendencies. We were expecting cerebral palsy because he had a brain bleed. We expected learning disabilities. None of that has materialized. Nevertheless I held onto resentment that God didn’t keep me from falling apart a couple of times and was not listening to my prayers. I said multiple 54-day novenas. I was sure that the prayers would be answered and answered the way I expected. It was immature to say the least but thanks to my own terrible family history, my concept of God was locked in at about 10.

Sadly, my whole concept of God was shattered and instead of trying to forge a more mature one, I got scared that I was alone and, over the course of a couple of years, ended up turning to “self-medication.” And, of course, realizing my sin, I became angry towards others because I hated myself for falling down. Rinse, repeat.

So as I said, I can understand this mindset. I’ve been there. My wife tried her hardest to pull me out of it but was unable. I didn’t think I’d have a magic touch but was hoping that there are other women who are in her shoes would be able to share how they eventually forged onward and upward.

Perhaps it *is *natural…and I’m weird…lol.

I do think what happened with you and your son is different however. Your son did nothing wrong. You couldn’t place the blame on him…so you blamed God. Here, you are the one who did something wrong. She should be blaming you solely. I’m a bit concerned that her telling you that** you **hurt her relationship with God is actually her way to hurt you back (conscious or not).

 

[1inICXC]

I completely get what you are saying and no need to apologize. I think everything written in this thread is very interesting and helpful…even those things we may disagree with.
**
I think my biggest concern iis for those who tout full transparency (knowing all passwords, etc) from the get-go because of past hurts in prior relationships. I think they need to be careful. There is never full transparency. Spouses that are going to cheat will find a way even if you think you have all of the information you need to prevent (?) the infidelity. On the contrary, I think it sends the message, I don’t trust you. I think that message can be more damaging in the long run.**

In your situation, I guess I still think that having his computer password and access to his computer doesn’t necessarily prove anything. He could still be looking at porn elsewhere. Sure, if you don’t find it on his computer it gives you some level of comfort, but in reality you never know for sure (not to mention that computer history can be deleted). In my mind, if I can’t know for sure, then why snoop/check up on him anyway.

In my situation, I do have access to the cell phone records (and I do check them albeit not as often now). Sometimes I see numbers that I don’t know. Those unknown numbers may be anything! But where does my mind go?? The worst…when it’s probably nothing. Seriously. I can’t know every number he may call/text. At some point, you just have to…trust. And it’s that point I wish to reach as soon as possible. I think part of getting there is NOT checking his cell phone records, KWIM?

Just to address the bolded part, I do NOT think people are transparent with their spouses because they do not have enough trust in wpeach other but ratherbecause that is the only way to be. Passwords are meant to protect you from predators not from your spouse.

I simply could not bring myself to hide my password from the man who sees me naked and who knows everything about me. It was never the case of: hand me all your info rather: “honey, I need so an so’s number” " go check the last msg from him on facebook". So many times we needed access to each other’s accounts just to retrieve information, I don’t think any of us used it for snooping. I think marriage should be much above that.

On the other hand, I agree, no amount of transperancy can guarantee fidelity. There are always other ways that don’t need to include the phone, FB, regular email accounts etc.

Having said that, a cousin of mine kept suspecting her husband of infidelity. And I asked her why and the main reason was because when she did ask for his password or if he would be willing tonshare passwords he said no, he was of the belief that they need the right to privacy. The day my husband would tell me that I cannot know his passwords I would certainly be VERY suspicious. It has nothing to do with past relationships, but rather with what I believe marriage should be.

What needs to be reiterated is that expecting to have access doesn’t not mean snooping. I don’t even have the time to check all my accounts in one day, let alone his, precisely because I have access to everything I don’t even feel the need to snoop.

A question: why would a husband password protect anything from his wife, his “other half”, his one-flesh partner? I can only think of bad reasons

 

[Lucky7]

Just to address the bolded part, I do NOT think people are transparent with their spouses because they do not have enough trust in wpeach other but ratherbecause that is the only way to be. Passwords are meant to protect you from predators not from your spouse.

I simply could not bring myself to hide my password from the man who sees me naked and who knows everything about me. It was never the case of: hand me all your info rather: “honey, I need so an so’s number” " go check the last msg from him on facebook". So many times we needed access to each other’s accounts just to retrieve information, I don’t think any of us used it for snooping. I think marriage should be much above that.

On the other hand, I agree, no amount of transperancy can guarantee fidelity. There are always other ways that don’t need to include the phone, FB, regular email accounts etc.

Having said that, a cousin of mine kept suspecting her husband of infidelity. And I asked her why and the main reason was because when she did ask for his password or if he would be willing tonshare passwords he said no, he was of the belief that they need the right to privacy. The day my husband would tell me that I cannot know his passwords I would certainly be VERY suspicious. It has nothing to do with past relationships, but rather with what I believe marriage should be.

What needs to be reiterated is that expecting to have access doesn’t not mean snooping. I don’t even have the time to check all my accounts in one day, let alone his, precisely because I have access to everything I don’t even feel the need to snoop.

A question: why would a husband password protect anything from his wife, his “other half”, his one-flesh partner? I can only think of bad reasons

Understood. OTOH, I have no reasons to go into my husband’s computer…except “bad reasons”. There is nothing on his computer that I “need”. So, I guess it’s different depending upon the marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I realize that it’s a stiff charge to make, but I only said it because she flat out said that. I was talking with her and she said, quite directly, that she’s scared of fully trusting God because she does not want to make herself vulnerable anymore. She’s afraid of letting go of the past because she does not want to get hurt again. She has a tough time praying and living at peace from day to day. She’s still hanging in there with that. She’s still at Mass and praying and doing everything she’s supposed to do but she’s flat out told me that I damaged her relationship with God. That hurts more than anything else really because I’m putting her salvation at risk.

I’d say that the outbursts happen when she’s tired or anxious about something and really have not changed over time.

Trust me friend I understand that everything’s not going to be great “right away.” Truthfully I think she’s most scared because she saw what happened with my parents and assumes the same thing will happen here. Well to be honest my father never really almost lost his family. My father never had both his pride and shame ripped out the way I did. My father never let go and let God. Despite converting from Judaism to Catholicism, despite mission trips and all sorts of really extreme ways of changing his life, he really never let go at his core. I think somewhere he likes being the “king of lies” as he once described himself. It’s a frightening and disturbing thing for a father to say to his son. I pray constantly that that part of his character is stamped out and quickly. I for one never felt that; I’ve been a more “hate myself” kind of person who thought I was “too good” to have these serious sins and was too ashamed to change because hey, I’m smart, I know the Catechism and now that I’ve failed God will never love me again.

I get that things will be different probably for years and possibly forever. I’m OK with that because there is zero I can do about it. I did what I did. That I soon after starting had no real free will to stop is besides the point. Drug abusers and alcoholics get started somewhere, right? Me too. And there are ramifications to that. I’m just scared to death that I really tore apart her relationship with God and she will never embrace Him the way she needs to.

I doubted there was more I could do and this seems to confirm that. That’s OK. In God’s time, not mine.

These point to her unrealistic expectations. She has work to do on herself, it’s not all about you.

 

[Bill_7154]

Ah, communication. Absolutely. We’re working on this too. My husband is not much of a communicator (as are probably most men) so it’s been difficult. However, he has made some progress.

It’s kind of the opposite for me, as the profession I work in I talk alot and talk about feelings and my wife grew up in a 3rd world country where things were very much ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ (or die in many cases).

I’m glad both me and my wife are Christians, although attend different churches, and we both pray for each other and for our marriage to work out. But communication and financial difficulties are a couple of the biggies when it comes to marital problems and we have both of those right now.

God Bless and best wishes,
Bill

 

[momtojeam]

I guess I am concerned that asking to have access to personal things like his computer may be going overboard. I think it sends the message that I don’t trust him and I worry that it’s taking things too far. If I truly believe him, wanting his passwords to his computer/email accounts etc doesn’t sound like it’s getting me back on the road to trusting. If anything it tempts me to want to check up on him and be nosy. I already do this with cell phone activity and I’m beginning to think that having access to that isn’t life-giving (even though not finding anything bad is a positive thing if that makes sense). I’m not so sure that being allowed to further invade his privacy is the way to go (at least for me in my marriage).

I am experiencing something similar. Several months ago I found that my husband was hiding a facebook conversation from me (a woman he knew from college that always had the hotts for him). He didn’t say anything ‘wrong’, but it was flirty. The fact that he attempted to delete it was the most upsetting part.

Whenever I think about it, I get paranoid. I check all accounts, cell phone records, emails. He has apologized for the facebook incident and has promised never to do it again. However, I just noticed today that he deleted select email IMs… those from his best friend at work (I once saw a message from him commenting on a hot girl in the office… and have not seen any chats recorded since I voiced my disapproval of his friends behavior).

There is also a new attractive young girl at work, that I was acting a little jealous about the other day… I found that he deleted am IM from her as well (he said “hi”, she said “hey”)… why would he feel he should hide these things from me?

I’m starting to feel like having access to the accounts feeds my paranoia… I feel like the more I bring it up, the more secretive he becomes to maintain the peace at home. I don’t suspect an affair at all, but I am still having a hard time letting go of the distrust. I am wary to mention the deleted IMs that I noticed… I know it will cause an argument.

I like the suggestion at the beginning of the thread to pray to St Monica. I find that listening to catholic radio during the day helps (since I’m a stay at home mom, my mind is easily troubled if not occupied). Except today they were talking about Facebook rules to protect marriage… which set me off again!!!

Best of luck to you… I will say a prayer for your marriage. Please pray for mine

 

[momtojeam]

Also, my husband knows that I have access to all of his accounts. Having the passwords will not necessarily easy your anxiety… they can always delete stuff. I guess at some point you have to have faith, and start hoping for the best.

 

[Lucky7]

I am experiencing something similar. Several months ago I found that my husband was hiding a facebook conversation from me (a woman he knew from college that always had the hotts for him). He didn’t say anything ‘wrong’, but it was flirty. The fact that he attempted to delete it was the most upsetting part.

Whenever I think about it, I get paranoid. I check all accounts, cell phone records, emails. He has apologized for the facebook incident and has promised never to do it again. However, I just noticed today that he deleted select email IMs… those from his best friend at work (I once saw a message from him commenting on a hot girl in the office… and have not seen any chats recorded since I voiced my disapproval of his friends behavior).

There is also a new attractive young girl at work, that I was acting a little jealous about the other day… I found that he deleted am IM from her as well (he said “hi”, she said “hey”)… why would he feel he should hide these things from me?

I’m starting to feel like having access to the accounts feeds my paranoia… I feel like the more I bring it up, the more secretive he becomes to maintain the peace at home. I don’t suspect an affair at all, but I am still having a hard time letting go of the distrust. I am wary to mention the deleted IMs that I noticed… I know it will cause an argument.

I like the suggestion at the beginning of the thread to pray to St Monica. I find that listening to catholic radio during the day helps (since I’m a stay at home mom, my mind is easily troubled if not occupied). Except today they were talking about Facebook rules to protect marriage… which set me off again!!!

Best of luck to you… I will say a prayer for your marriage. Please pray for mine

Yes, your situation/marriage sounds very similar to mine. Thank you for your prayers. I have said a prayer for you and your marriage as well.

Wrt why he would be hiding these most recent IMs’, my guess is because he knows they will upset you (even his friend’s comments). Unfortunately, our husbands don’t understand that deleting them/hiding them upsets us more.

 

[victorbuhagiar]

Try to invite her to pray together. We are now in the year of Faith and that is a good reason for asking her to join in the forthcoming activities, but above all join together for adoration even if it is just a holy visit.

 

[Sewmom]

I also have had several trials in my marriage. I have been reading some good books on forgiveness, but still find it tough. I deal with the idea that my husband hasn’t been truthful. I do see that he wants our marriage to work and he is committed. Somedays are so good and I can pray and let go of my insecurites and other days are a struggle. I ask myself why do I feel that I need to know all his past sins against our marriage. I want to trust him, but it is very difficult to do so. I am trying to put my trust in God. I just feel as thought if he would be honest 100%, he could truly feel the love God gave me for him. I am asking for prayers in this matter.

 

[fm1982]

Interesting thread.

A few things that came out to me:

After a physical cheating relationship (actually more than one in my wife’s case) I have a hard time understanding how it will ever be the same again. The innocence is gone and a new normal needs to be created. Right now I feel like it is fake. Hopefully that improves. I don’t have many legal options in terms of child custody, so I have to make it work.

I found out about the affairs by snooping after seeing something she left out in the open inadvertently. I won’t snoop again, nor do I care for passwords. It was too draining and quite frankly I don’t have the fight right now.

In speaking to a wise for older gentleman, I said if she is able to do whatever she wants, what do I get out of this marriage. His response was unrestricted access to your kids. That’s what I get out of my marriage for now.

I don’t know who she texts or emails. She doesn’t know who I do either. I do delete some texts, because they are vent texts when I am frustrated and need an outlet to keep from blowing up. Just like I wouldn’t show these posts, it is a means to try work things out without causing her pain and further damaging what is left of the relationship.

Shouldn’t the intention of actions be considered too? Saying some of these things online allows me to reflect on some difficult issues. Talking to her about the way I feel would cause more harm than good I think,

 

[Lucky7]

Interesting thread.

A few things that came out to me:

After a physical cheating relationship (actually more than one in my wife’s case) I have a hard time understanding how it will ever be the same again. The innocence is gone and a new normal needs to be created. Right now I feel like it is fake. Hopefully that improves. I don’t have many legal options in terms of child custody, so I have to make it work.

I found out about the affairs by snooping after seeing something she left out in the open inadvertently. I won’t snoop again, nor do I care for passwords. It was too draining and quite frankly I don’t have the fight right now.

In speaking to a wise for older gentleman, I said if she is able to do whatever she wants, what do I get out of this marriage. His response was unrestricted access to your kids. That’s what I get out of my marriage for now.

I don’t know who she texts or emails. She doesn’t know who I do either. I do delete some texts, because they are vent texts when I am frustrated and need an outlet to keep from blowing up. Just like I wouldn’t show these posts, it is a means to try work things out without causing her pain and further damaging what is left of the relationship.

Shouldn’t the intention of actions be considered too? Saying some of these things online allows me to reflect on some difficult issues. Talking to her about the way I feel would cause more harm than good I think,

Absolutely. Let’s face it. I wouldn’t share this thread with my husband either. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite. However, if he had discussions online like this to sort through issues I would not expect him to share those discussions. If that helps him, then great. If it helps him, then in turn it should help me and our marriage.

This is where I think the full transparency idea goes overboard. I do not think I have a right to know everything he does, says, etc. He deserves his privacy and opportunities to work through things without my meddling/nagging/prying.

I still go back to…there’s got to be a balance.

 

[Sirach2]

This homily I heard on EWTN by Fr. Alex Valladares was very poignant with regard to this issue. here it is. Scroll to 17:10 minutes to hear St. John the Baptist’s words, “Produce good fruit as evidence of your repentence.”

Father goes on to say that if we have ever had our heart broken, been deeply hurt or betrayed, yes, Our Lord tells us to forgive. But it takes time to heal from those wounds, and they don’t go away simply because the person comes in with a bouquet of flowers, a box of candy, a nice note. There must be evidence of repentence!

Evidence might be difficult to recognize, for in my experience, people who engage in this behavior usually repeat it. The spouse just gets smarter about hiding it. If you see him attending mass and faithfully receiving the sacraments, being attentive to you in those tiny details that mean so much, then let the suspicions go.

 

[Lucky7]

This homily I heard on EWTN by Fr. Alex Valladares was very poignant with regard to this issue. here it is. Scroll to 17:10 minutes to hear St. John the Baptist’s words, “Produce good fruit as evidence of your repentence.”

Father goes on to say that if we have ever had our heart broken, been deeply hurt or betrayed, yes, Our Lord tells us to forgive. But it takes time to heal from those wounds, and they don’t go away simply because the person comes in with a bouquet of flowers, a box of candy, a nice note. There must be evidence of repentence!

Evidence might be difficult to recognize, for in my experience, people who engage in this behavior usually repeat it. **The spouse just gets smarter about hiding it. ** If you see him attending mass and faithfully receiving the sacraments, being attentive to you in those tiny details that mean so much, then let the suspicions go.

Thank you so much for the link…I am home today and I plan on watching it.

WRT bolded, I do worry about that. Yes, of course they can get smarter and just try a different avenue than the one where they got caught. OTOH, I do not see such evidence and I’m also not comfortable with snooping for it. Part me thinks that if someone is up to no good eventually it comes to light.

 

[momtojeam]

Yes, of course they can get smarter and just try a different avenue than the one where they got caught. OTOH, I do not see such evidence and I’m also not comfortable with snooping for it.

I feel a bit guilty when I do snoop… even though my husband said “you can poke around as much as you want”. I think a big part of it has to do with how involved my husband is in his job. He works long hours, and I feel sometimes like we lead separate lives. I would imagine that this is the root of all of my ‘red flags’… I am feeling the distance that is a result of our “rat race”. I let it slide because at the end of the day, we really need the money. Maybe it’s unwarranted, but I still have a nagging feeling in my gut… and unfortunately, I am still finding small evidence of concealment.

I keep thinking about that scene in the movie Doubt (with Meryl Streep)… where she shows the new nun teacher how to spy on the students using the reflection of a picture. The new nun says something along the lines of “isn’t that a bit disturbing?”… Meryl Streep’s character responds “only for the ones that are up to no good.”

Part me thinks that if someone is up to no good eventually it comes to light.

I agree with this as well… in theory. At the same time, I feel that an affair can happen to anyone. My husband now knows (hopefully), that it is inappropriate to be speaking to the old college friend. Although his comment was essentially harmless/playful… it just opens the door to danger. If I hadn’t said anything, perhaps he would have kept talking to her… perhaps more flirty banter would have been exchanged, perhaps they would have eventually met in person for drinks to ‘catch up’, and perhaps something physical could have happened. My point being, people usually enter relationships with innocent intentions, and find themselves in harmful situations after it is too late. And at the very least, he should not be talking to her because it bothers me… which he was already aware of… hence why he attempted to delete it.

Social media makes it very easy to keep lines of communication open with friends of the opposite sex. Here is an good article about making some general rules for Facebook:
patrickmadrid.com/if-youre-married-and-youre-on-facebook-read-this/

 

[momtojeam]

Wrt why he would be hiding these most recent IMs’, my guess is because he knows they will upset you (even his friend’s comments). Unfortunately, our husbands don’t understand that deleting them/hiding them upsets us more.

I guess I’m hoping to find that he doesn’t play the same game. He tells me openly when his friend (who is unhappily married) flirts with waitresses, etc (apparently the friend is not good at picking up women… which creates a comical scene). It makes me wonder what it is that he is hiding…

It makes me uncomfortable to know that my husband spends so much time with (and trying to impress) such scumbag-type men. The friend above is the most descent of his work buddies… from the stories that my husband has told me, the others are complete dogs…