Rebuking other Parishioners

[itsjustdave1988]

GoldenArrow:

What I’m asking of you is this: do you have any good articles about the proper way to go about “correcting” sinful behavor or “rebuking” someone? This article IS NOT for me, but would be something I could give her to read.

She seems to favor “instruct the ignorant” at the expense of the other spiritual works of mercy. I would simply highlight some other imporant works of mercy…

Spiritual Works of Mercy:

Convert the sinner
Instruct the ignorant
Counsel the doubtful
Comfort the sorrowful
Bear wrongs patiently
Forgive injuries
Pray for the living and the dead

 

[GoldenArrow]

I e-mailed her this morning with a very gentle rebuke, and I also included some of your advice.

Now, it’s pray, watch, and wait.

 

[KCT]

GoldenArrow:

I have a friend at church who has appointed herself the Parish’s policewoman, taking upon her self the task of rebuking everyone, molding the Parish into her idea of perfection…

“Isn’t that special?” (my best Dana Carvey voice

The pastor needs to know and talk to her. She may think she’s doing good, but who knows how many people she’s turning away from the Church.
—KCT

 

[Al_Masetti]

There are books written about dealing with toxic older people. One author’s name comes to mind… Gloria Davenport… *… Or people suffering from Toxic Personality Disorder. It’s a form of OCD. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Could also be a mild form of autism - engaging in inappropriate speech. A focus on small tiny insignificant things while ignoring “the big picture” could also be a symptom of a form of schizophrenia.

Could also be the result of a twisted upbringing. Children who lacked something at critical developmental stages may grow up with the inability to socialize well. I’ve had people say that they believe their “strength” is in criticizing others… [even though they are so personally fragile that can’t personally handle criticism from others.]…

Sometimes, AN approach might be to suggest a “format” for criticism or an “alternative form” of criticism… [for example, writing down the criticism in detail and then not mailing it.] Suggest some alternate wording for them. Or, that’s ok to lighten up just a bit … or “did you know that criticism can cause damage to the person on the receiving end and that we have a special obligation NOT to correct everyone”. Or “could we pray over this and let the Holy Spirit reach that other person who needs correcting.”

This is a difficult issue, and as other posters have suggested, is unfortunately quite common. I’ve had priests in weaker moments comment about complainers who actually go all the way to the Pope over minor issues.

I’ve seen these folks totally “unrecognize” the damage that criticism can do… with the result that whole congregations and ministers have been wrecked. Other people pull away…

Some of these folks just don’t have “a life”. So they focus all their energy on their parish and their efforts to make things “perfect”.

Another approach could be to spend some extra time before Jesus-in-the Monstrance… and simply ask Him to deal with it (the situation) in some very charitable sort of way… or for Him to send the Holy Spirit to you to give you the words to deal with it charitably.

I’m blathering, but this is a common issue and a very annoying one.*

 

[Vonier]

I agree with Spiritblows. We’re Christians, not doormats. Allowing her to continue to hurt those around her with her criticisms and other destructive behaviors isn’t charity.

Trying to put a positive spin on her obvious mental problems won’t help her. Suffering in silence won’t either.

Your pastor needs to handle this situation. She does need love, but love in the form of help with her behavior. She’s disruptive to worship and community and she sounds…well, let’s just say it, she sounds meanspirited.

Let me make a prediction here though. When confronted with her destructive behavior she will ascribe it to the rest of you being unwilling to bear her “corrections” and she will move on to some other unsuspecting parish. That’s usually the pattern.