Receiving/not receiving Communion in a family

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ringil

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I just thought of this yesterday- some is more private- so It’s not easy to share but anyway what can you do. 🤷

So I don’t receive while I am in mortal sin. My wife knows that my main mortal sins are missing mass and masturbation- which I somtimes do really well with- going to longer periods not doing this- then I slip of course- this is human. My wife doesn’t give me any grief over this as she doesn’t even believe masturbation is really a sin- another matter entirely though. I know it is.

So when my wife knows I haven’t missed mass and then I don’t receive or say that I need to go to Confession before Communion she pretty much knows what has happened. But like I said; it’s no big deal now. She just sees this as my peculiarity, which is fine and not so related to my basic question in this thread.

But we have a kid (only 3 now) and as she grows and understands the nature of sin and the need to abstain from receiving while in sin- and she sees me not receive she is going to know I sinned seriously. She wont know anything about masturbation of course as, well, that’s inappropriate. But anyway what happens in families where one or the other doesn’t receive. It’s like everybody knows when someone has seriously sinned- and this just seems weird to me. I grew up in a household where everyone just received at every mass. I now know that this can be improper. Also knowing myself; it’s likely that I am going to be the only one not receiving some weeks at mass. I can’t always make it to confession because I can’t drive- have a visual impairment.

Wo what are other folks’ experiences with this issue of families knowing when one member or the other has sinned by them not receiving?
 
I think that you abstaining from communion when you cannot receive is a good example for your child.

I had a similar conversation with my niece. I wasn’t practicing the faith, yet occasionally went to Mass, but abstained from Communion.

She asked why, (she was about 7) and I told her I needed to go to confession first. The conversation ended there…she had no follow up questions.

I grew up the opposite way. My Father would take us to Mass, and he would often not receive. Back then, (1970’s) it was common, not everyone went up.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
I think that you abstaining from communion when you cannot receive is a good example for your child.

I had a similar conversation with my niece. I wasn’t practicing the faith, yet occasionally went to Mass, but abstained from Communion.

She asked why, (she was about 7) and I told her I needed to go to confession first. The conversation ended there…she had no follow up questions.

I grew up the opposite way. My Father would take us to Mass, and he would often not receive. Back then, (1970’s) it was common, not everyone went up.
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Its not just a good example, its a GREAT example. You are teaching your child about the proper understanding of when our souls are in a state of grace and when its proper and not proper to receive the Eucharist. I would back it up though by also making sure she’s aware of when you go to confession. I don’t think keeping it from our children that we have sinned serves any good purpose. We all sin, the Sacrament of Reconciliation is just as important as any sacrament in the Church and our children need to see that we use that sacrament on a regular basis.
 
One thing you can do is to be the last in the communion line out of your family, and go up and recieve a blessing if you’re not in a state to recieve the eucharist. Since your family is ahead of you in the line, they generally won’t be looking back to notice whether you are recieving communion or a blessing. Also, since you’re the man of the household it wouldn’t seem awkward for you to let you spouse and children go ahead of you in the line (it may even be a courteous thing to do! 🙂 )

The other thing you can do is, if you’re in a state of mortal sin, eat a cracker or a piece of bread before going to mass. That way, if you are ever asked why you didn’t recieve communion you can honestly say that you had broken then 1 hour fast requirement. Ideally, though, you should really try to get to confession as soon as you can… missing out on the sacraments is not something that is going to help you battle this addiction!

Furthermore, I also strongly recommend that you watch the following video series on masturbation. There a quite a few helpful tips for fighting this powerful vice.

youtube.com/watch?v=oGaglQfjxBI&list=UUsUgCCaaOfESPA4REUfZ33g&index=9&feature=plcp

My prayers will be with you in your sturggle. God bless!
 
MidnightSun12 said:
One thing you can do is to be the last in the communion line out of your family, and go up and recieve a blessing if you’re not in a state to recieve the eucharist. Since your family is ahead of you in the line, they generally won’t be looking back to notice whether you are recieving communion or a blessing. Also, since you’re the man of the household it wouldn’t seem awkward for you to let you spouse and children go ahead of you in the line (it may even be a courteous thing to do! 🙂 )
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I don’t think this is good advice. Primarily, it is just subterfuge to fool your family members - why would you want to do that? Furthermore, Rome has issued an opinion on receiving “blessings” in the communion line, and has taken a negative stance on this, so I think we should be obedient to existing liturgical law in this regard.
 
As your little girl grows up, you will be teaching her about sin. That sin separates us from God, but that every one of us sins, in some way or another. Seeing her father not going up for the Eucharist will tell her that your actions are coherent with your teaching - that you are not going to take Jesus’ Body and Blood in a state of mortal sin. Teach her that our sins are our own business and it is NO ONE’S PLACE to judge anyone else, especially not at Mass. She should be preparing herself to receive, not tallying up who is and isn’t going up to receive. As I recall from childhood, probably close to half of the congregation did NOT go up to the communion rail.

I think your honesty (not the specific sin, of course! :eek:) which is showing her that her Daddy is not perfect, will go a long way toward her knowledge of what it means to be a truly faithful Catholic.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I think your honesty (not the specific sin, of course! :eek:) which is showing her that her Daddy is not perfect, will go a long way toward her knowledge of what it means to be a truly faithful Catholic.
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I am just conserned about the issue of a kid’s understanding, which is certainly limited by development, and the discrepancy between my periodically not receiveing and yet others’ receiving at every mass. I am conserned she is going to think “Gosh, dad must be really bad because he is the only one not receiving Communion.”.

I will also, as appropriate, tell my daughter that she, likely isn’t sinning seriously enough to not receive- at least as a child. That is my belief. I feel that an adults consideration of suitability for receiving is, and even should be, qualitatively different than that taken by a child. I just don’t believe that children or even adolescents commit mortal sin very often.
 
Instead of showing your family that you do not receive communion out of respect, you could show your family the good habit of frequent confession. Going to confession every week or every two weeks is a good practice, even better if your frequent sins are grave matter. You will not overcome your sins by the power of the will but by surrendering to God and accepting your weakness. Frequent confession will make you aware that you are truly week and it will teach you to seek God’s help.
 
ringil said:
I am just conserned about the issue of a kid’s understanding, which is certainly limited by development, and the discrepancy between my periodically not receiveing and yet others’ receiving at every mass. I am conserned she is going to think “Gosh, dad must be really bad because he is the only one not receiving Communion.”.

I will also, as appropriate, tell my daughter that she, likely isn’t sinning seriously enough to not receive- at least as a child. That is my belief. I feel that an adults consideration of suitability for receiving is, and even should be, qualitatively different than that taken by a child. ** I just don’t believe that children or even adolescents commit mortal sin very often.**
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Teach what the Church teaches. That we are all capable of mortal sin. Kids too. Adolescents certainly are. There are no age lines except under the age of around 7 when the child does not truly understand right and wrong. Do not try to make your daughter’s mind up for her. Teach her to examine HER OWN conscience and decide, and then talk to the priest about it. What if, at age 9 or 10, she knew exactly what she was doing and did commit a serious mortal sin? :eek: You would be totally wrong in teaching her that she cannot possibly commit a mortal sin.
 
Cristiano said:
Instead of showing your family that you do not receive communion out of respect, you could show your family the good habit of frequent confession. Going to confession every week or every two weeks is a good practice, even better if your frequent sins are grave matter. You will not overcome your sins by the power of the will but by surrendering to God and accepting your weakness. Frequent confession will make you aware that you are truly week and it will teach you to seek God’s help.
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As I said. I do not drive and am dependent on my wife for transportation. I currantly make frequent use of the Sacrament- about once a month or 6 weeks. Since Confession is not offered before mass- which is a shame- I cannot always make it when I need to. I am also not going to tell my wife “I need to go to Confession again, and again.” This would be annoying for her and would cause conflict.
 
ringil said:
I am just conserned about the issue of a kid’s understanding, which is certainly limited by development, and the discrepancy between my periodically not receiveing and yet others’ receiving at every mass. I am conserned she is going to think “Gosh, dad must be really bad because he is the only one not receiving Communion.”.
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She is a little girl - for her, Daddy is her Prince. Whatever Daddy does is good; what other people do doesn’t even factor in. If Daddy thinks he shouldn’t receive Holy Communion today, then Daddy must be right about that. Since Daddy is her Prince, she will also not receive Holy Communion at the times when she knows she shouldn’t. 🙂
 
ringil said:
As I said. I do not drive and am dependent on my wife for transportation. I currantly make frequent use of the Sacrament- about once a month or 6 weeks. Since Confession is not offered before mass- which is a shame- I cannot always make it when I need to. I am also not going to tell my wife “I need to go to Confession again, and again.” This would be annoying for her and would cause conflict.
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Could you take the bus, or hire a taxi?
 
Break the habit, or the habitual sin. This is what your family needs. The Voris video you rejected has some of the best advice I have seen on the subject. This includes adoration, frequent confession, and the rosary. We cannot defeat these temptations on our own and with our own will. We need supernatural help (grace). These suggestions by Voris are right on target.

Don’t mess around with evil. You will find yourself enslaved by much worse before you know what happened. Get out as quick as you can and get to holiness, or a state of grace, and stay there.
 
Samuel63 said:
Break the habit, or the habitual sin. This is what your family needs. The Voris video you rejected has some of the best advice I have seen on the subject. This includes adoration, frequent confession, and the rosary. We cannot defeat these temptations on our own and with our own will. We need supernatural help (grace). These suggestions by Voris are right on target.

Don’t mess around with evil. You will find yourself enslaved by much worse before you know what happened. Get out as quick as you can and get to holiness, or a state of grace, and stay there.
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This really isn’t the topic. . . . . Each of us has different spiritual paths and if Voris and his style speaks to you then fine. It doesn’t speak to me.

The orifinal post, and the subject, regards the issue of receiving and not receving and how this dynamic has worked out in families.
 
jmcrae said:
She is a little girl - for her, Daddy is her Prince. Whatever Daddy does is good; what other people do doesn’t even factor in. If Daddy thinks he shouldn’t receive Holy Communion today, then Daddy must be right about that. Since Daddy is her Prince, she will also not receive Holy Communion at the times when she knows she shouldn’t. 🙂
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This insight into the mind of a child makes some sense and is helpful for me in considering the issue. They do grow up though.

It just seems weird to me that my daughter would know when I sinned.
 
ringil said:
This insight into the mind of a child makes some sense and is helpful for me in considering the issue. They do grow up though.

It just seems weird to me that my daughter would know when I sinned.
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For all she knows, you swore at a co-worker, or listened to gossip, or overcharged a customer. Children don’t think of their parents having sex, or sex lives. She’ll be a mother herself before it dawns on her that you had sex with your wife to give life to her - and even then, she won’t dwell on it.
 
jmcrae said:
For all she knows, you swore at a co-worker, or listened to gossip, or overcharged a customer. Children don’t think of their parents having sex, or sex lives. She’ll be a mother herself before it dawns on her that you had sex with your wife to give life to her - and even then, she won’t dwell on it.
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This makes sense and I imagine you are speaking as either a women who would have more inside knowledge or as a parent of a daughter who is older now.

All of my knowledge of child cognitive development is through school and just a bit of listening to colleagues who treat kids- I have never really worked with kids.

As our 3 year -old is our only child I only have that to go on related to the child-in-family dynamic.
 
ringil said:
This makes sense and I imagine you are speaking as either a women who would have more inside knowledge or as a parent of a daughter who is older now.
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I am a woman who has worked professionally with children and teenagers for 30 years, so far. 🙂

The best way to handle it is to treat it as normal, and answer whatever questions she may have with honesty, but not too much detail. You can just say, 'I had meant to go to Confession but didn’t get the chance," or you can say, “I didn’t feel ready for Holy Communion today.”

The better advice is to do whatever you can to break your bad habits, as previous posters have mentioned. A Catholic should not be in a constant state of mortal sin.
 
PatriceA said:
Its not just a good example, its a GREAT example. You are teaching your child about the proper understanding of when our souls are in a state of grace and when its proper and not proper to receive the Eucharist. I would back it up though by also making sure she’s aware of when you go to confession. I don’t think keeping it from our children that we have sinned serves any good purpose. We all sin, the Sacrament of Reconciliation is just as important as any sacrament in the Church and our children need to see that we use that sacrament on a regular basis.
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I agree with this. Another good idea is to make it a family habit to go to confession regularly - once a month say. Ask your wife to come even if she doesn’t feel the need to go to confession. As your children reach the age of reason, they will be used to the idea of going to frequent confession. It will help them - and you! - combate habitual sin and grow in grace.
 
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