Recently Divorced - Please Help

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trevor1055

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At the outset of our “marriage,” I was a very bad husband. I say this because I want you all to know that I am being honest and upfront. I worked way too much (although she loved the paycheck). Yes, I put my life as an attorney before my marriage. She knew that going into the “marriage,” but we married none the less.

On January 18, 2010, Stacey told me that she was having an affair. At the time, I figured that I deserved it. I never, ever cheated on her, but given the junk I put her through with my working all the time, well, I deserved it.

Over the next two months, I prayed about it, dove into Scripture about it, talked with Father about it. I came down on the side of forgiveness.

In April 2010, after all that praying and studying and forgiving, Stacey filed for divorce to leave me for another man. The divorce was final 2 months later.

It has been 2 1/2 years now. I am still bitter, and I despise any thoughts of Christian marital love. Frankly, I feel hatred toward couples that are happy in marriage. I know that is wrong. I want to get over it, but my heart feels so dark.

I appreciate any thoughts that y’all have.
 
When you are ready to place all of this at the foot of the cross, I am sure that you will find Our Lord waiting for you. It is a burden that He can help you carry. Together, you can, in Gods good time, make something beautiful from all things in your life.
You and your past and your future are in my prayers. May God bless you and keep you. Amen.
 
trevor1055 said:
At the outset of our “marriage,” I was a very bad husband. I say this because I want you all to know that I am being honest and upfront. I worked way too much (although she loved the paycheck). Yes, I put my life as an attorney before my marriage. She knew that going into the “marriage,” but we married none the less.

On January 18, 2010, Stacey told me that she was having an affair. At the time, I figured that I deserved it. I never, ever cheated on her, but given the junk I put her through with my working all the time, well, I deserved it.

Over the next two months, I prayed about it, dove into Scripture about it, talked with Father about it. I came down on the side of forgiveness.

In April 2010, after all that praying and studying and forgiving, Stacey filed for divorce to leave me for another man. The divorce was final 2 months later.

It has been 2 1/2 years now. I am still bitter, and I despise any thoughts of Christian marital love. Frankly, I feel hatred toward couples that are happy in marriage. I know that is wrong. I want to get over it, but my heart feels so dark.

I appreciate any thoughts that y’all have.
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Will pray for you, but please do not blame yourself for your wife’s infidelity. Even if you were having an affaire, it does not give her the right to have one as well. I know a man who has cheated all his married live and does not give adequate finacial support to the wife, but she has remained faithful and the marriage has survived. Two wrongs do not make a right.
 
"We put our hope in the Lord
He is our protector and our help.
We are glad because of Him.
We trust in His holy Name.
May your constant love be with us, Lord.
as we put our hope in You."
 
I don’t know of anyone who can have a successful career by working just nine to five. Some husbands even have to take extended business trips leaving their wives for a week or two alone or with the kids.

You have to stop beating yourself up over this. Get into counseling. Make a list of things you want to accomplish in your new life and do them. Don’t envy your married friends. You don’t know their secrets. Someday you might find out that all was not so great either.

You didn’t say how long you were married nor if the guy she married was the one she had an affair with or another. She might have problems which would have presented themselves even if you were with her after eight hours of work. You didn’t cause her to be unfaithful.
 
trevor1055 said:
At the outset of our “marriage,” I was a very bad husband. I say this because I want you all to know that I am being honest and upfront. I worked way too much (although she loved the paycheck). Yes, I put my life as an attorney before my marriage. She knew that going into the “marriage,” but we married none the less.

On January 18, 2010, Stacey told me that she was having an affair. At the time, I figured that I deserved it. I never, ever cheated on her, but given the junk I put her through with my working all the time, well, I deserved it.

Over the next two months, I prayed about it, dove into Scripture about it, talked with Father about it. I came down on the side of forgiveness.

In April 2010, after all that praying and studying and forgiving, Stacey filed for divorce to leave me for another man. The divorce was final 2 months later.

It has been 2 1/2 years now. I am still bitter, and I despise any thoughts of Christian marital love. Frankly, I feel hatred toward couples that are happy in marriage. I know that is wrong. I want to get over it, but my heart feels so dark.

I appreciate any thoughts that y’all have.
Click to expand...
I am sorry about what happen but if she was having an affair and then left because of that, really that was her decision and wrong. You might do yourself some good to get some counseling to deal with the hurt and anger. Likewise, some diocese do have a support group or group for the divorced and this might help you too, to be with other divorced people which can offer support. Likewise have you looked into the annulment process for yourself? The people I’ve known who have been through annulment have found some very real healing in it and ability to move one with your life instead of being stuck in anger and bitterness which will only hurt you. The annulment process is not just to be able to remarry but to bring healing in situations like yousr. I am not sure how long you were married or if there are children involved but there is help for you out there to heal and begin for feel whole again.
 
trevor1055 said:
At the outset of our “marriage,” I was a very bad husband. I say this because I want you all to know that I am being honest and upfront. I worked way too much (although she loved the paycheck). Yes, I put my life as an attorney before my marriage. She knew that going into the “marriage,” but we married none the less.

On January 18, 2010, Stacey told me that she was having an affair. At the time, I figured that I deserved it. I never, ever cheated on her, **but given the junk I put her through with my working all the time, well, I deserved it. **

Over the next two months, I prayed about it, dove into Scripture about it, talked with Father about it. I came down on the side of forgiveness.

In April 2010, after all that praying and studying and forgiving, Stacey filed for divorce to leave me for another man. The divorce was final 2 months later.

It has been 2 1/2 years now. I am still bitter, and I despise any thoughts of Christian marital love. Frankly, I feel hatred toward couples that are happy in marriage. I know that is wrong. I want to get over it, but my heart feels so dark.

I appreciate any thoughts that y’all have.
Click to expand...
I think it is good for you to acknowledge what you did wrong, but it sounds as though you are giving your ex-wife almost an excuse for having committed adultery. I married a man who is what some would term a workaholic. I also knew it from the start, but I have never been tempted to have an affair in response. People who commit adultery frequently blame others for their actions but that is dishonest. You can’t approach life like that, it is like a spoiled child, “If everything goes my way, I’ll be good, but if not, I’ll destroy everything and it will be YOUR FAULT!” :nope: No, you may have made mistakes, but NEVER is adultery excused or understandable. It is a betrayal of the vows in the deepest way.

Go and speak to your priest. Go to adoration as often as you can. Go to confession. I hope that you are in a state of grace and receiving the Holy Eucharist, but if not, go to confession and fix that. Yes, talk to the priest about annulment. It is not a guarantee, and that can be hard to accept, but at least consider the process. Stay in touch with your priest. Turn to God for comfort and strength. He is waiting for you to ask Him for comfort.
 
Thankfully, I should receive an annulment from the Diocese in a couple months. I really appreciate all of your comments – it helps. Coming from a “blue-collar, working class” family, I always thought that if I had material success, well, then, I would be a success, with the wife, the house, the white-picket-fence, etc. I will continue going to Mass and ramp up my prayers. I know that our Mother is the Queen of my life right now. It just hurts. Thank you again for your prayers.
 
Trevor - I, too, am in the process of divorce after three decades. It would be extremely
rare if one person was to blame. I think we are tempted at first to see ourselves as the
wronged party, but I went completely the opposite way. Literally, beating myself up for
what a terrible wife I have been. I would go through a litany of wrongs every night.

My salvation has been three things and not necessarily in order: my lawyer, my loving
pastor, and the family and friends in my life that KNOW me best. Warts and all. I
strongly suggest you find a priest or deacon you have a rapport with. When this happenedto me, I used them as my confidante and told them every detail. Came clean, and my saving grace was they did not mind my tears and breakdowns. Both the priest and married deacon saw it as part of the grieving and mourning process. Cathartic.

I am not saying you have to make yourself as transparent as I did, nor do you have to dis-
play all that emotion. Just turn yourself completely over to the Lord. Let Him work in you.
I was a control freak who had to forego all urges to “fix” this problem. You don’t say any-
thing about children, I happen to have pets that I baby. Be prepared for some huge changes in your lifestyle.

We can change; nothing is impossible. Finding others who are divorced Catholics and
worked through it gave me hope. I will put you at the top of today’s prayer list.

kaylynn7800
 
trevor1055 said:
At the outset of our “marriage,” I was a very bad husband. I say this because I want you all to know that I am being honest and upfront. I worked way too much (although she loved the paycheck). Yes, I put my life as an attorney before my marriage. She knew that going into the “marriage,” but we married none the less.

On January 18, 2010, Stacey told me that she was having an affair. At the time, I figured that I deserved it. I never, ever cheated on her, but given the junk I put her through with my working all the time, well, I deserved it.

Over the next two months, I prayed about it, dove into Scripture about it, talked with Father about it. I came down on the side of forgiveness.

In April 2010, after all that praying and studying and forgiving, Stacey filed for divorce to leave me for another man. The divorce was final 2 months later.

It has been 2 1/2 years now. I am still bitter, and I despise any thoughts of Christian marital love. Frankly, I feel hatred toward couples that are happy in marriage. I know that is wrong. I want to get over it, but my heart feels so dark.

I appreciate any thoughts that y’all have.
Click to expand...
Trevor, no real words of wisdom or insight, just wanted you to know that I am sorry for your pain, your bitterness. It’s not a pleasant way to life one’s life, wrapped up in those kinds of feelings.

I hope you will be able to heal and find peace.
 
hugs I know how hard it is. I’m in the process of a lengthy divorce myself. I was a good faithful wife to my husband of 10 years only to find out he was cheating on me with someone young enough to be his daughter.
I too find myself repulsed by the idea of another relationship. I even find myself looking at happy couples and thinking, “I bet one of them is cheating!!”
Anyway, my point is, you’re not alone in feeling this way and you’ll be in my prayers 🙂 :gopray:
 
Very sorry to hear that trevor1045. An absolutely amazing resource is the book Gift of Self. You can check out the Mary’s Advocates website and order it for $8. As the late (and probably Saint) AB Fulton Sheen said, “Russia is the cross without Christ and America is Christ without the cross.” You have a cross. Many will surround you and encourage you to shed that cross one way or another. Please, brother, consider checking that book out and carrying your cross all the way up the hill. The trip is very short compared to eternity.
Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING
 
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