Recently Got Engaged

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Agatha813

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Hello there everyone! I was hoping to seek advice from the forum.

I recently got engaged and we’re both practicing Catholics. I was wondering if there were good books, web sources, etc. that you guys may suggest for our reading. Our wedding may be at the end of next year or early 2016.

We have both decided we want a small Catholic wedding. Not really interested in a reception, but want a nice honeymoon as it’s new territory for the both of us. We want to take a nice honeymoon trip to Disney World; which won’t break the bank, but gives us the peace and happiness we need to start off our marriage on the right foot.

We both have gotten a lot of weird looks for saying we don’t want to have a reception, but it’s always been our desire to do this. We both have saved ourselves for each other our entire lives and would appreciate it if people would let us have our honeymoon in peace. Also, we want to use saved money for our future lives together to pay off debts and stay financially stable from the very start of our marriage. How can I express such a thing without sounding rude?

We were recently told a trip can be taken anytime and that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with that. We were also told to not to talk about our marriage, because we’re not getting married anytime soon, but that side isn’t Catholic, they’re Protestant and didn’t save themselves for marriage and had an over the top wedding that we don’t want, so I don’t really think they understand too well where we are coming from and it’s frustrating because I don’t want to be rude to them, but want to stay firm in the beliefs I have with my fiance. I’m sure I’ll be having this conversation with other people in the future too.

We really wouldn’t mind a reception if someone paid for it, we but don’t want to put money into something we feel forced to do for the sake of other people.
 
My husband was browsing the website with me and read your post as well. He commented “sounds familiar”, and truly, it really does. We found ourselves in the same uncomfortable pickle a few years ago.

The compromise that we ended up making was funded by my parents. We had our wedding mass right after lunch time. We mentioned on our invitations that people were invited to join us for dessert afterwards. I knew I had to mention this or people would arrive expecting a meal. So our “reception” was a few speeches from family members, cutting a cake, lots of finger desserts, and some delighted hugs and mingling. It was not a traditional reception in any sense. No meal or dancing or anything. We wanted our reception to be brief, because we were both virgins until our wedding day, and quite honestly we didn’t want to wait any longer that we had to. LOL. I believe everything came in around 3000, and most of that was the church fees and photographer.

We did spend a small chunk on a Disneyworld honeymoon 😃 It was AMAZING. If you do go there, mention to everyone while booking that you will be on your honeymoon. We scored some massive upgrades we could have never afforded.

Though I do have to ask why you are aiming for such a long engagement? 2 years seems awfully long to wait once you’ve already decided that this is the man for you. It leaves a lot of room to fall to temptation.

I wish you the best of luck, and I don’t think my answer really answered your questions, but I hope it helped some. Congrats!!
 
I wonder, have either of your parents offered any financial assistance towards this?
 
My father passed away years ago and my mom really can’t afford it. It’s already hard on her financially as it is. I really really really don’t want to push anyone to pay for something I decided to do. If someone from our families decides to offer the money, we won’t complain, but we’re not going to ask for it.

As for why we’re waiting so long, it’s because we’re both still finishing our studies (and saving money for our married lives). We’ve already been together for 2 years going on our 3rd. Temptation isn’t really an issue for us. We’ve always had good control over that.
 
You might look at “Three to Get Married”, by Archbishop Fulton Sheen. I haven’t read it myself, but it’s Archbishop Sheen, so I expect it’s good 🙂

I read “Wild At Heart” and “Captivating” prior to our marriage. The former was written by John Eldredge; the latter by him as well with the assistance of his wife. “Wild At Heart” deals with the nature of men, and “Captivating” deals with the nature of women. They’re not specifically Catholic, but I did find them valuable resources. Essentially, “Wild At Heart” talks about the three things all men desire: a battle to fight, a damsel to rescue, and an adventure to live. “Captivating” talks about the three things all women desire: someone to fight for them, a beauty to unveil, and an adventure to share. Importantly, the books also discuss how masculinity cannot confer femininity nor vice versa; men and women find their true completeness only in God, but it is important that with His help they become true men and true women, in order to more fully live their marriage vocation. I found the books very insightful, and they helped me to understand exactly what it means to be a real man and a real woman, and how I can help my husband be a “real man”. I also read “Created to Be His Helpmeet” by Debi Pearl - again, not Catholic (and there have been some issues with the Pearls’ recommendations as far as child-rearing) but I did find a few nuggets of wisdom in there. I also think required reading for any Catholic is “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West - addresses Catholic teaching regarding sexuality. I plan to get a copy for DSD (dear stepdaughter) when she is about 15-16.
 
I think that when people are invited to a wedding, they expect some sort of reception. I can understand wanting to focus on the nuptial Mass and not wanting to go overboard, but to me, it seems kind of selfish to tell people who love you and care about you and have watched you grow up that you don’t want to celebrate this day with them, that your money is better spent on a theme park vacation, and that you’d rather just leave after the wedding and go straight to Disney. That’s how it’s going to sound to everyone.

My husband and I were also virgins on our wedding day and we were excited to be together, but honestly, waiting a couple more hours after years of abstinence wasn’t that difficult. We did a morning (9am) wedding, followed by a brunch reception and had the whole rest of the day (and every day since) to get to know each other.

I think you absolutely can host a small, inexpensive reception for the people you invite to witness your vows. If you truly do not want a big party, plan a weekday Mass, invite only your parents and siblings, and take them out to lunch afterwards. If friends or other family are coming, use the Church basement and just serve everyone cake and cookies, like Frenzy Jen suggested. It doesn’t have to be expensive or over the top.

Congratulations on your engagement and God bless!
 
Thanks, but I’m really not looking to hear more about how I’m being ‘selfish’ or how I’m ‘missing out’ for just wanting a mass. Guests will be greeted afterwards and talked to for a while before we leave. I’m not in a hurry for the ‘sex’, but what we want is time to ourselves and would rather spend money on that, that’s all.

I posted this because I want to know what to say without sounding rude and was looking for good reads about having and maintaining a Catholic wedding. Again, not looking to be criticized for wanting something incredibly simple.
 
Wedding Reception: You can have a cake, punch, and coffee reception, maybe in the church hall, for less than a hundred dollars. I have organized such a reception for friends. If you don’t have parents helping pay for the wedding, you may have friends or parish members who would help out. Weddings do not have to be extravagant.
 
Agatha813 said:
Hello there everyone! I was hoping to seek advice from the forum.

I recently got engaged and we’re both practicing Catholics. I was wondering if there were good books, web sources, etc. that you guys may suggest for our reading. Our wedding may be at the end of next year or early 2016.

We have both decided we want a small Catholic wedding. Not really interested in a reception, but want a nice honeymoon as it’s new territory for the both of us. We want to take a nice honeymoon trip to Disney World; which won’t break the bank, but gives us the peace and happiness we need to start off our marriage on the right foot.

We both have gotten a lot of weird looks for saying we don’t want to have a reception, but it’s always been our desire to do this. We both have saved ourselves for each other our entire lives and would appreciate it if people would let us have our honeymoon in peace. Also, we want to use saved money for our future lives together to pay off debts and stay financially stable from the very start of our marriage. How can I express such a thing without sounding rude?

We were recently told a trip can be taken anytime and that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with that. We were also told to not to talk about our marriage, because we’re not getting married anytime soon, but that side isn’t Catholic, they’re Protestant and didn’t save themselves for marriage and had an over the top wedding that we don’t want, so I don’t really think they understand too well where we are coming from and it’s frustrating because I don’t want to be rude to them, but want to stay firm in the beliefs I have with my fiance. I’m sure I’ll be having this conversation with other people in the future too.

We really wouldn’t mind a reception if someone paid for it, we but don’t want to put money into something we feel forced to do for the sake of other people.
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It is your marriage other peoples opinions don’t matter as long as you two are happy
 
I think a reception is just a really nice thing to do for the two families to meet, great and hang out for the first time.

My mom is a social butterfly and was in her element at our wedding. She’s buddies with my MIL and SIL and I’ve got some cute pictures of her dancing with SIL’s two youngest daughters.

Our reception was loads of fun and it was seriously inexpensive. We spent about $4000 on the entire wedding.
We did buffet style lunch at a nice restaurant after the Mass.

And it was about the Mass too, everyone remembers the beautiful Mass we had for our wedding.

We weren’t virgins but we converted together and were chaste for a substantial amount of time before our wedding. It wasn’t that hard to wait another 5 hours after we said “I do”
 
Loving_disciple said:
It is your marriage other peoples opinions don’t matter as long as you two are happy
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Probably the best advice I’ve been given so far, thank you! I’m probably to unsubscribe from this thread. I’m not really getting what I asked for. I asked for good reads and good advice on how to tell my family and friends that there will be no reception, but that they will be given their time before we leave, because I know we will be pushed to have a reception that is something we don’t care for as a couple. We’re happy knowing people came and know that our family and friends will love us and celebrate our marriage in their hearts, despite maybe not meeting their expectations for a reception.

God bless.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Wedding Reception: You can have a cake, punch, and coffee reception, maybe in the church hall, for less than a hundred dollars. I have organized such a reception for friends. If you don’t have parents helping pay for the wedding, you may have friends or parish members who would help out. Weddings do not have to be extravagant.
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Exactly. It’s prudent to be a little gracious. After all, people will give you gifts, even if you don’t expect them to. A small amount of coffee, punch and cake won’t break the bank. People will want to give you their hugs and best wishes in a more social setting than simply a receiving line. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. If you can afford Disney, you can afford a tiny reception. Ask the church ladies to help you (you know the ones I mean). They will LOVE it and put lots of love and best wishes into it for you. Plus, all church ladies know how to get stuff on the cheap. 😃

Congratulations, by the way. I wish you many years of blessings and holy happiness together.
pianist
 
Agatha813 said:
I posted this because I want to know what to say without sounding rude and was looking for good reads about having and maintaining a Catholic wedding. Again, not looking to be criticized for wanting something incredibly simple.
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Agatha, I’m sorry. In re-reading my response I realize it does come off as brusque. What I could have said more gently is, that in my opinion, it’s not possible to tell people that you’re not having a reception without sounding rude.

As for resources, I recommend Familiaris Consortio, Three to Get Married, Life-Giving Love, and taking a good Engaged Encounter weekend with your fiance.

God bless.
 
Agatha813 said:
I posted this because I want to know what to say without sounding rude and was looking for good reads about having and maintaining a Catholic wedding. Again, not looking to be criticized for wanting something incredibly simple.
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The problem is that what you’re asking about is going to be considered rude, so there’s really no way to word something in a way that doesn’t sound rude when it is rude.

No offense intended but that’s the reality of it. It’s kind of like asking people to come to your birthday party, saying hello for a few minutes, opening your gifts and then sending them all home.

There’s no reason why a reception has to be overly lengthy or expensive, and it could be as simple as a backyard BBQ, but for Pete’s sake, try to do something to show your appreciation.

If that doesn’t work, simply cut down the guest list and make it a smaller affair and you should be able to afford it.
 
There are lots of good suggestions upthread.

My husband and I had just a handful of people at our wedding and then I served a nice homemade lunch (quiche and maybe some salads) and grocery store cake at my apartment. The whole thing was probably around $600, including the rings, a new dress for me, a check for the pastor, a bouquet, and the groceries. It was very festive. No honeymoon–we didn’t have the money. We did manage a trip to Central and Eastern Europe a year later (a combination of business, family obligations and pleasure), but given the probability of new members joining the family, I would definitely not suggest that others wait. It really is not true that we can do trips anytime.

There are several different OK options. Big wedding + no reception + Disneyworld is not one of them, particularly if you are expecting anyone to travel any sort of distance to attend. Here are some (obviously not all) options:
  1. Very small wedding and small lunch at a restaurant and Disneyland. You have to have lunch anyway, right?
  2. Bigger wedding with cookies and cake or Costco platters with fruit and cheese, and off to Disneyworld! You can leave as soon as you’ve said hello to everybody. Your mom and friends and relatives can hang out and socialize.
  3. Wedding, Disneyland and the promise of a 1st anniversary party (I’ve actually seen the anniversary party in place of a reception in one of Miss Manners’ books–so it is kosher). The anniversary party can be as modest or as fancy as you choose.
I do have to warn you that the only time I have heard grumbling from guests about weddings, it was when they were short-changed on food. I’ve never heard anybody critique the flower arrangements or the bride’s dress, but people do complain about food. People will remember forever that they came to your wedding, and you were so cheap that you didn’t even have a cup of punch for them. One of my cousins recently got married and while I wasn’t there, I was given a blow-by-blow description of how little to eat there was and how happy my informant was to have stopped and had a sandwich beforehand. If you invite a bunch of people to your wedding and there’s no food and you’re headed off to Disney, it’s going to look bad and people will remember it forever. It’s much better to elope (Catholic-style) than to do that.

I also have to mention that I would lower my expectations of how post-wedding intimacy is going to go. Zero to 60 is not a reasonable expectation in this context. Unfortunately, the longer one has waited, the more likely mechanical failure is.
 
nodito said:
Agatha, I’m sorry. In re-reading my response I realize it does come off as brusque. What I could have said more gently is, that in my opinion, it’s not possible to tell people that you’re not having a reception without sounding rude.

As for resources, I recommend Familiaris Consortio, Three to Get Married, Life-Giving Love, and taking a good Engaged Encounter weekend with your fiance.

God bless.
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It’s okay, really. I understand where people are coming from, but I don’t really like people making me sound like a sex crazed maniac or incredibly selfish, when I’m not. Lots of hugs and kisses will be given to people that come, but I guess in the end that’s what I’ll have to do. I’ll say no reception, but that everyone will be given their time for pictures and such after mass.

I do appreciate different (name removed by moderator)ut. I wish I had heard more of what I was looking for, I suppose, but it was also good to read different opinions. The ‘dessert’ parties sound great, but I don’t think many of you realize that where I’m at, the parish hall is not that cheap. It touches the thousands mark without including the food and seats. And we both have big families to feed and take care of, so no, it’s not as black and white as many of you think.

Again, I really don’t like being disrespected like this. None of you know me personally, or what my intentions were after I get married. I wasn’t going to literally run out of the church, that’s for sure.

Thanks again everyone, but you guys can all ignore this thread officially. I will officially never look at this post again once I’m done writing this.
 
I don’t think you should do anything that will break the bank. Financial stability is extremely important. If you blow money you don’t have on things, you life will be made more difficult than it needs to be. If people think its rude or that you should splurge on a reception then they can pay for it. I think saving money should be encouraged and not discouraged.
 
I don’t think you sound sex crazed or incredibly selfish, but I do agree that there is no good way to tell people there will be no reception.

I can see where you’re coming from. Maybe you’re trying to push back against the craziness of the wedding industry and the over the top parties that break the bank and seem to be the priority over the ceremony. Am I close? I think that it is a commendable goal to focus on the ceremony and the marriage over a big fancy party, especially if it would be a financial stretch to have that.

BUT, I do think you’re going too far the other way. The reception is supposed to be a show of appreciation for your guests - that they’ve come to witness your marriage AND for everything that many of them have done for you all of your lives. You can do this without going broke, you might just have to get a little creative. It is something that is important though, and truly appreciating what others have done for you is a sign of maturity that I think is a great first action for a brand new marriage!

It’s easy to get lost in the excitement of getting married and getting to be with your new husband! Wow this post took me back to all that. Enjoy it! Good luck to you 👍
 
Congratulation for your engagement.

It makes me sad that most people get in shock when a couple don’t want a wedding reception. From my experience with mine relatives, their first year of marriage is a kind of torture to watch as they are struggling to pay the debts, and almost all people that offered to help in the reception ‘disappears’ afterwards. Two of my friends had to sell their wedding rings 😦

Nevertheless, I like the advice that someone gave in this thread about doing something low-profile in the Church hall or salon. Like the 15 minutes typical coffee after mass. But only if you feel like. Good luck.
 
Agatha813 said:
We really wouldn’t mind a reception if someone paid for it, we but don’t want to put money into something we feel forced to do for the sake of other people.
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Understood. Presumably you would also advise guests that you will not be accepting gifts?

The Asians take a sensible approach, which is that they generally give money rather than gifts, and the money received usually exceeds the cost of the reception.
 
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