Recently married and hopeless

[lucylove1]

Another thought as well, you may have a low opinion of yourself and you may be projecting onto him the way you feel about yourself…or you may be interpreting his actions in “woman’s terms” and not a man’s. Men love women differently than women love women. For example: Women interpret silence from other women to mean, “they don’t trust me or they don’t like me.” Men are very different, they get right to the point and avoid fluff (extra details) and use a few words as possible (usually). May I suggest reviewing the website:

understandmen.com

Go to the “free stuff” in the menu bar and listen to as many of the audio’s as possible. There is so much in the audio’s/radio programs. I read her book called, “Manglish” and learned so much about what is the intention behind what men say, which is far better than what I thought. Men are much more of the things I love than I ever imagined but I just was not seeing it that way because I was expecting them to behave and respond like I would. Just take a look please.

He has his bag full of stuff just like I do too. The only difference is that I actually do seek help. And maybe that’s one of the differences between a man and a woman.
Yes, I do not feel good about myself. I grew up with a father who wasn’t (and isn’t) very loving and caring. That used to hurt me to the bone marrow. When my husband and I were going out, he said to me, “I will love you enough to compensate for your father’s love.” I was very in love with my then boyfriend. I just adored him. Then we started planning the wedding and everything went downhill. Now, we are at the bottom of the abyss. Well, at least I am. He always says that he doesn’t see any problems, that all I want to do is fight.
But anyway, yes I will go take a look at that website, thank you!

 

[lucylove1]

Maybe - it’s hard to say. Did you guys talk about it? What makes him feel loved?

Yes we talk about it. Well, I talk about it. He says doing something he likes to do. But he always wants me to do things that he likes/wants and there’s nothing in return. I did this at the beginning because I loved him but I saw that he didn’t really care for making me happy and I saw that as unfair.

 

[CatholicRaven]

lucylove1,

It’s hard when you feel your love is not reciprocated. It’s very hard to keep giving when you feel you’re getting nothing in return. Are you staying close to God through the sacraments, especially Confession and the Eucharist? It is He Who gives us strength to persevere and obey in love.

We cannot force other people to change; we can only change the way we respond to them. But also, men and women have different roles in marriage. We wives generally find it easy to show love. What we sometimes find difficult is to show respect.

Do you respect your husband?

Do you trust him, have faith in him, listen to him, ask him for his help and his opinion, and willingly (even enthusiastically) let him take the lead even (or especially) when you don’t agree with his decisions?

Or might it seem to him that he is failing as a husband because you only find fault with him?

I ask not to accuse you of disrespect, nor to say that it’s all your fault (it does take two)… but because this is something I have really struggled with myself, and I see some signs of it in your posts, too.

Respect to husbands IS love. If he doesn’t feel that you respect him, then he’s not going to feel loved, and will probably have difficulty showing you love, too.

I could be wrong, of course. It’s just a thought.

Will for you.

 

[lucylove1]

Okay. Here’s the whole story:

I met my husband in 2004 while helping out in a choir at my church. He played the bass, I sang. I really like him because 1. He was cute and 2. He was helping in church so that to me meant that he was a good person, a Christ follower (don’t get me wrong, he IS a good person). So we started going out and things. At that time, he was living in the university where he was studying. I would wait for him patiently during the week and see him in the weekends. Sometimes he would surprise me mid week and I would get extremely happy. I would be so eager to see him on weekends that I would call him and, maybe be annoying, but he would say things like, “I also need to be with my family.”
Anyways, then, after seven years, we decided to get married. Here’s where everything started to change.
I asked for time off at work for the wedding and they agreed. Then they said that wasn’t going to be possible because that time was blacked out (nobody could get time off). I told my then fiancé that if we continue with the wedding plans I would have to resign at work. There was no other way. I’ve always been direct and truthful (which maybe is a bad thing). I told him that I had some debt and that if we continued with the plans, I would need him to help me out while I found another job. He agreed. Then I also told him that I didn’t want to live with his parents. And I again asked him that we should hold up on the wedding until I paid all my debt and until we saved enough to put the down payment for a house. But he was “so in love” that he wanted to get married. So, I agreed.
Okay, so we get married, I have no job and he has to help me out. Every time I would ask him for money, he would make a long face. This hurt me really bad because I thought, “how can he that has the possibility of helping the person who he loves most, don’t want to do it?” Then I started to get depressed about that. I had no job. I had no money. I was afraid of asking him for money because I saw the face he made when I did. Then something else happened. I started getting this pelvic pain that wouldn’t go away and he knew about it. Yet, he wouldn’t volunteer himself to take me to the doctor. I mean, he knew I had no ways of going because it costs money. So I got even more depressed. I felt so sad that my own husband didn’t really care for how I felt. He is an engineer who makes pretty decent money yet his wife has no money, has been suffering pelvic pain and has no means of going to the doc. Like 8 months later I found a job (thank the Lord Jesus Christ) and I was able to go to the doc.
Of course after all this I started having like resentment towards him. One time I had the day off at work. He and I decided to have lunch together. So that day, I dress myself up, I put make up on and go on my merry way to pick him up at work, he comes out, we go to lunch. But then when I drop him off he’s like, “drop me off here” like a block away from his job. I’m like, “why?” and he tells me to leave him at the very end of the parking lot, the farthest away from the entrance. I start thinking why would he do that, and then I go on to think that he’s embarrassed of me. He doesn’t want people from his work to see him with me. Has he not told him he’s married? What’s going on? After that, I go home crying because of everything I did to look pretty that day and stuff. And I cry and I wonder and I question his reasons.
Then the second year of marriage he gets a back injury. He can’t walk, he can’t move, and I’m the one carrying him to the hospital (well, helping him move). I’m always by his side, trying to do everything to make him feel more comfortable. I tried to forget all that sadness and resentment or whatever it is that I felt. Then he starts feeling a little better and begins doing everything he used to do before. He doesn’t listen to me about taking it easy and he gets hurt again. At this point I’m like, “okay, that’s what you get for not listening.” I knew he felt really bad about his injury and I felt really bad that I couldn’t do anything to help him. Then he gets to a point where he doesn’t know what to do, he’s getting desperate because the pain doesn’t go away and he asks me if we could please go talk to one of the people at our church. So we go, we talk to them, he feels a little better, we go home and everything is good. Except, that I am still feeling that he doesn’t love me, I don’t tell him that because I didn’t want to overwhelm him with things.
Now, I do tell him. He still in pain. But I wonder if people with injuries go their whole life just thinking about their problem. Maybe this is very selfish of me but why do I do things to make him feel better and he doesn’t even try? I got tired of this. That’s why now, even with his injury, I tell him I’m unhappy. I tell him that we shouldn’t have gotten married. I tell him I wish I was home with people who do love me. I tell him a bunch of things. I know I’m a very bad wife now. But being good didn’t work. Then I also feel bad because I love Jesus. Why am I doing this to a God’s son? I don’t want to be separated from Jesus. I want to be with Him forever. But I feel like I’m fighting for nothing. I feel like there is no love to fight for. I don’t care that he’s has been sick for half of our marriage. I don’t care that we live in his parents’ house with another hundred people. I don’t care that we can’t spend any money because we are saving up for a house. I don’t care that I can’t go out dancing with my friends anytime I want anymore. I don’t care about that. I care that no one cares for me. I care that I have no support whatsoever. I care that someone isn’t there to protect me, to save me from anything. I care that I don’t have a partner. That nobody gets happy when I come home from work. That there is nobody to give me a hug when I’m feeling down or to give me a kiss when I’m feeling unloved. You know? I’m alone. Even married, I’m still alone.

 

[Irishmom2]

lucylove, have you ever talked to your pastor or other priest about all of this?

 

[lucylove1]

lucylove, have you ever talked to your pastor or other priest about all of this?

Hi!
Yes, I’ve talked to him and he would want us both to go and have a conversation. I made an appointment but my husband didn’t make it. Then I made another appointment and I told my husband that he needs to make time for this but he didn’t go.
Our priest told me that I should be patient, that no one taught him to be a husband and that I need to show my humility to understand him. However, no one taught me to be a wife either. The relationship between my mom and dad isn’t that great and I’m still trying to make things work out. My husband’s parents are very loving and understanding of each other, I have no idea how he came out to be this way.

 

[mommamaree]

Hi!
Yes, I’ve talked to him and he would want us both to go and have a conversation. I made an appointment but my husband didn’t make it. Then I made another appointment and I told my husband that he needs to make time for this but he didn’t go.
Our priest told me that I should be patient, that no one taught him to be a husband and that I need to show my humility to understand him. However, no one taught me to be a wife either. The relationship between my mom and dad isn’t that great and I’m still trying to make things work out. My husband’s parents are very loving and understanding of each other, I have no idea how he came out to be this way.

lucylove,
Please do not despair. My own husband had tremendous difficulties early in our marriage knowing how to treat me lovingly, and this is despite him loving me deeply. I have some suggestions for you to try, things that helped me and my husband and strengthened our marriage. Okay?
My suggestions are these.
1 - whenever your husband does anything kind for you, tell him thank you. Tell him how much it means to you that he would be thoughtful enough to think of the kind thing.
2 - ask your husband to do something specific, just because it makes you happy. For example, say to him “I feel so happy when you watch a movie with me because I like your company and I like to share with you the things I enjoy. Will you watch this movie with me?”
3 - anytime you are doing something for yourself (a load of laundry, getting a drink of water or snack, etc.) ask him would he like anything. This is a way to show you love him, too.
4 - Next time he gets his own drink, ask him to get one for you, too. And if he complies with your request, tell him how sweet he is.
5 - next time he shows you affection, pause whatever you are doing and try to just be present with him for a moment. And if he is not offering affection, then go and gently initiate that affection with him. Maybe he is watching TV, so you go and sit right next to him or even on his lap, and just cuddle. It may feel strange at first, but that is okay.
6 - next time you are able to interest him in lovemaking, be very communicative about what you like or don’t like in a gentle way so that he knows how to be more loving with you. Ask for the caresses you like. If he caresses in a way you don’t like, say “I prefer it better this way…” and then show him how. If he persists in doing something you don’t like out of confusion or habit, say “That doesn’t help me to feel ready for intercourse, so please don’t do that”.
If he is not initiating, then ask him if he would be interested in having more frequent relations again. Tell him you miss him in that way and you love him.

These are just some suggestions. My husband is also an engineer, and hates failure, so I have had to find a way to give very clear instructions but very gently, to direct him in how to be a better husband with me. It was very hard for me to learn to speak up and ask for more affection and more attention and love, because I was afraid of more rejection. But I learned to speak up and he learned to listen. And we have become much happier as a result. So, when I read some of the things you wrote here, I wondered if maybe I understood a bit of your situation and maybe I could help. I hope you are able to develop that love with your husband, and that you both find joy in your marriage.

 

[Irishmom2]

mommamaree, that was a very well worded post. Thank you for sharing that with the OP.

 

[Katherine_Bay]

Dear Lucy,

You do have a right to love in your marriage. I think you should see a counselor for yourself as soon as you can. Most insurance plans will pay for a visit with a behavioral therapist, even if many do not cover marriage counseling, per se. I would recommend finding a male counselor, if possible. Men often have surprisingly high standards on behalf of women, and will help you rediscover the self esteem I am sure you had when you met your husband.
You will probably discover the root cause of your husband’s withholding of affection. I will pray for you, dear Lucy.

God bless, please get counseling. I had your problem and resisted this advice so many gave me for so long, but it is only one phone call, less than one hour, and it is a reality check. It has helped me so much, and I hope, you.

 

[Lady_Love]

Lucy,

You are not alone, I just want you to know that. Many women feel or have felt the way that you do in their marriage. I once read in a marriage prep book that there are stages in marriage, romance, disillusionment, misery, and joy. I would say you are either in the disillusionment/misery stage. I found it comforting to know that it is actually a normal part of marriage to experience these kinds of things. The good part is…that after the misery is JOY or what Bishop Sheen calls the “second ecstasy.” Fulton Sheen wrote a book called “Three to get Married.” I recommend it.

Part of the disillusionment/misery stage is when you realize that your spouse doesn’t fulfill all your desires and neither does your marriage (it’s not what you thought it would be.) One key thing I remember about this phase and making it through successfully was to take the focus off your spouse, as far as, what you think or wish he were. What you learn in this phase is how to love your spouse for his sake alone, it is a purification of your love. Previously, or in the beginning, much of the relationship is based on “what the other can do for me” but marriage must transition into “what can I do for him.” It is quite a struggle but it can be done and is God’s ultimate will for you and your spouse to reach this kind of self-giving kind of love.

That being said though, you have this immediate and urgent need for love. How is this need met or fulfilled without your husband filling it? This is where God wants to enter. We all have a need to be loved more than any other human being is capable of satisfying. This is because God made us for Himself, and He is infinite and therefore, we have an infinite need for Him. Here is the “good news!” Go to communion as often as possible, daily if you can. You can receive Jesus in Eucharist and He can satisfy your insatiable need. Understand, though, that we are not HOME. Home is in heaven, so we will never ever feel quite at home in this life. God reserves a special longing in us for home/heaven that will never be filled in this life. This area of longing has to be accepted and lived with but Jesus will fill you with all that you need for this life in Eucharist and you can relieve the burden off your husband to 'be God." Open your heart and let God love you more than you feel you deserve. If you seek anyone, your Dad, your husband, your job, or your kids to fill this void, you will be placing on them a burden too heavy for them to bear and you will always end up feeling disappointed with them.

I am sending you love from my heart and asking God to make you His beloved. All you have to do is let Him love you.

 

[lucylove1]

That being said though, you have this immediate and urgent need for love. How is this need met or fulfilled without your husband filling it? This is where God wants to enter. We all have a need to be loved more than any other human being is capable of satisfying. This is because God made us for Himself, and He is infinite and therefore, we have an infinite need for Him. Here is the “good news!” Go to communion as often as possible, daily if you can. You can receive Jesus in Eucharist and He can satisfy your insatiable need. Understand, though, that we are not HOME. Home is in heaven, so we will never ever feel quite at home in this life. God reserves a special longing in us for home/heaven that will never be filled in this life. This area of longing has to be accepted and lived with but Jesus will fill you with all that you need for this life in Eucharist and you can relieve the burden off your husband to 'be God." Open your heart and let God love you more than you feel you deserve. If you seek anyone, your Dad, your husband, your job, or your kids to fill this void, you will be placing on them a burden too heavy for them to bear and you will always end up feeling disappointed with them.

I am sending you love from my heart and asking God to make you His beloved. All you have to do is let Him love you.

Thank you. I know that no one will ever love me as much as God. But I am having trouble accepting that even when my husband said, before God, that he would love me everyday of his life, he is not doing it or at least trying. I still see it as unfair, I still ask the question why should I be the one to do everything. I know that a person of God doesn’t think that way, I still have a lot to learn. But just the fact that he willingly got married with me and doesn’t want to sacrifice anything (as I see it, maybe he does, I don’t know) to make our marriage better gets to me! I mean if he was somebody else not related to me and if he would act mean to me, I would still be good to him because he is not obligated to be good to me, but my husband is. He should be doing everything to make me happy and I should be doing everything to make him happy because that’s what we agreed to, again as I see it.
I do hope that one day I reach that state of being. The day when I don’t care if he is good or bad to me and I’m still able to love and care for him. The day when I don’t think that he has an obligation with me.

 

[lucylove1]

These are just some suggestions. My husband is also an engineer, and hates failure, so I have had to find a way to give very clear instructions but very gently, to direct him in how to be a better husband with me. It was very hard for me to learn to speak up and ask for more affection and more attention and love, because I was afraid of more rejection. But I learned to speak up and he learned to listen. And we have become much happier as a result. So, when I read some of the things you wrote here, I wondered if maybe I understood a bit of your situation and maybe I could help. I hope you are able to develop that love with your husband, and that you both find joy in your marriage.

I will try this for sure. Thank you for sharing.
Did you ever think, “why does it have to be me the one doing everything?” and if yes, how did you get passed that? I find it very hard to get over that. I think it’s unfair and that’s why I can’t start being nice to him again. I myself have problems with showing affection but I still try to. And this is what gets me even more angry. That it is difficult for me to show affection too and I don’t see anybody trying to make it easier for me. I am so selfish, am I not? How do I get over this?

 

[mommamaree]

I will try this for sure. Thank you for sharing.
Did you ever think, “why does it have to be me the one doing everything?” and if yes, how did you get passed that? I find it very hard to get over that. I think it’s unfair and that’s why I can’t start being nice to him again. I myself have problems with showing affection but I still try to. And this is what gets me even more angry. That it is difficult for me to show affection too and I don’t see anybody trying to make it easier for me. I am so selfish, am I not? How do I get over this?

Oh sure I have felt that way at times. But the Holy Spirit has been close to me through such times, reminding me of the faults that my husband overlooks in me, helping me to have the humility to keep trying to love my husband and to seek my husband’s love. It can be very very hard to control my tone of voice and temper my comments, so that I do not become manipulative or condescending. But it is NOT selfish of you to desire the love of your husband. It is GOOD AND RIGHT for you to seek his love and for you to tell him in concrete terms how to love you. That is a merciful act on your part. It is your husband’s JOB to love you. But just like a good boss/trainer in the workforce trains his employees to be good workers on the job, a wife must train her husband in being a good husband. And a husband must train his wife in being a good wife. Marriage does not come with a training manual after all, so we must actively lead our spouses in how to love us. This is done with a perspective of improving the marriage and with love and respect for the spouse.
You don’t have to answer this question…I am only asking for you to ponder for yourself…
But does your husband enjoy sexual intercourse? If he enjoys that and seeks that experience with you, you have a huge opportunity to open his eyes to what you need as a wife. Next time he seeks intercourse, tell him that you have been realizing that you need to slow down and enjoy the affectionate lead-up before the big act. Also, mention that affectionate behavior outside the bedroom leads you to be eager in the bedroom. You see what I mean? You can help him translate his desire into an understanding of how to increase desire in his wife. This can help transform his sense of his own arousal into an urge to love and please you. Once you two create that time and space for yourselves to be more intimate and loving, that can spread joy to the rest of your marriage.
And don’t be so hard on yourself. God made wives to be loved, to want to feel their husband’s love. Unfortunately, a lot of men, like our husbands, were NEVER taught about feminine needs. Our society likes to paint women out to be like men in every way, and to deny any fundamental differences. So a lot of husbands do not have a clue that they need to be tender with their wives.
It took many, many years for my husband to get clued into the reality of femininity. For so long, he and I both assumed I was fundamentally broken somehow. It wasn’t until we began our conversion process (by which time we had already been married over a decade) that we began to understand that my need for affection is not only normal, but it is GOOD. Femininity is so rejected in our culture. We started reading essays on catholiceducation.org a website devoted to teaching the Catholic faith and how to live a Catholic life, and we started listening to podcasts by Protestant preachers who explained very clearly the complementarity of the sexes, and later we discovered that the Catholic faith has some great speakers on these topics, like Dr. Grep Popcak and Christopher West. We listened to them all and read their books and we grew together as a result. It was so freeing for me when I realized that God made me to need affection so that I would seek that from my husband and he would in turn learn to be a better man through the process of him learning to love me! And his affection towards me fill up my “emotional tank” so that I became more affectionate with him! Win-win!
So, keep trying lucy. Don’t lose hope. And don’t wait until you have been married a decade to start developing this aspect of your marriage. If I had known all of this years ago, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. That is why I wanted to give you some real ideas to start from, as well as some resources for you to explore to learn more about this. God bless!

 

[Lady_Love]

Lucy,

We women have a thing called the “rage monster.” We all have one. I think what you are experiencing is the Rage Monster and it is swallowing you up. Watch these two AWESOME videos and listen to this one audio. I never heard anyone explain so well what happens to a woman when her system crashes and her feelings are hurt. Tell me what you think.

youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=vFuFhQkCQvA

youtube.com/watch?v=cnsqGdG-AYk&feature=player_embedded

youtube.com/watch?v=ZBLQqLxxcnY

 

[hosemonkey]

Many of the posters here have very good advice, but the one thing I haven’t seen is the suggestion that poor communication is at the root of your problem. Speaking from personal experience, that aspect nearly ruined my marriage and we were on the brink of divorce. What saved it? Retouvaille. This program teaches a method of communication that opens the door to understanding. It is NOT counseling, it requires no group participation, it is between the couple alone. It is an amazing program with more than an 85% success rate, which is phenomenal in the realm of saving marriages. Anyone out there who has done retrouvaille know what I am talking about. I will pray for you.

 

[Lady_Love]

I’ve just been listening to that third audio that I posted previously and Allison made a statement that stuck out to me. “Men are single focused and women often feel abandoned when men are so focused.”

I have often felt abandoned or unloved in relationships and this statement just rung a bell in me and helped me identify what it was that made me feel abandoned. When my husband is worried about money he often withdraws and (what I think seems obsessed) focuses only on finding a way to make money and nothing else. It is almost as though I am not there in the room with him. If this goes on for days or weeks I start to feel like he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t pay attention to me. I usually start to pick little fights with him to get his attention. This upsets him very much because he loves me with all his heart and it is out of his love and desire to provide for me that he is so focused on money.

 

[lucylove1]

Many of the posters here have very good advice, but the one thing I haven’t seen is the suggestion that poor communication is at the root of your problem. Speaking from personal experience, that aspect nearly ruined my marriage and we were on the brink of divorce. What saved it? Retouvaille. This program teaches a method of communication that opens the door to understanding. It is NOT counseling, it requires no group participation, it is between the couple alone. It is an amazing program with more than an 85% success rate, which is phenomenal in the realm of saving marriages. Anyone out there who has done retrouvaille know what I am talking about. I will pray for you.

I’ve asked him to go to Retrouvaille but there is always a reason why he can’t. You know, sometimes I feel like maybe he really has something that stops him from having a good relationship and that I’m just not understanding enough. Like, I am acting really mean because what if he does have an actual reason, or what if I really did something to hurt him. But it’s all guesses because he doesn’t say. Or one day he says it’s because of this and then the next day he says it’s because of that. So I don’t believe anything anymore.

 

[lucylove1]

I’ve just been listening to that third audio that I posted previously and Allison made a statement that stuck out to me. “Men are single focused and women often feel abandoned when men are so focused.”

I have often felt abandoned or unloved in relationships and this statement just rung a bell in me and helped me identify what it was that made me feel abandoned. When my husband is worried about money he often withdraws and (what I think seems obsessed) focuses only on finding a way to make money and nothing else. It is almost as though I am not there in the room with him. If this goes on for days or weeks I start to feel like he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t pay attention to me. I usually start to pick little fights with him to get his attention. This upsets him very much because he loves me with all his heart and it is out of his love and desire to provide for me that he is so focused on money.

I’ve gone two years feeling like he doesn’t love me. Before, at least we had relations which I kind of liked because it was the only time he would caress me and things. But then after that he wouldn’t even tough me again not until we made love again. So I started to feel used. Then we did it again, I would like it for half of it the other half I would try not to cry because I felt like that was the only thing he wanted from me. It’s hard to say this. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way and I’m just making things up. But that’s how I felt. And I used to tell him, and he would say that wasn’t true. But then again there was no physical contact (hold hands, hugs, kisses, caresses) in between relations.

 

[lucylove1]

Today we went to go eat at a sushi restaurant.
We were eating and then my husband asks me, “do you want another one?” And I’m like, “well, maybe.” So he says, “do you want the ‘all in one’ or a spicy one?” And I chose the spice one and he tells the chef, “can you make a special spicy roll… She likes spicy. But make it really spicy, I’m trying to kill her.”

My heart sunk. Then the chef just looked at me and then back at him. And I tried to smile and pretend that didn’t get to me. Then my husband said, “yes, I’m trying to kill her.”

Not in a million years would I have thought that he would say that about me… Even as a joke…

I went to confession today. My priest suggested Retrouvaille, but my husband doesn’t want to go (because of his back problem). He told me to call them and ask what I could do. I don’t think I can go alone. And what would be the point. I mean, I can do whatever but if he doesn’t want to change or try to understand me, he won’t. No matter what I do, right?

He also asked me what I was going to do. And I told him that I didn’t know. That I know there is no divorce in the church. And he said that what we had wasn’t really marriage.

 

[Katherine_Bay]

Today we went to go eat at a sushi restaurant.
We were eating and then my husband asks me, “do you want another one?” And I’m like, “well, maybe.” So he says, “do you want the ‘all in one’ or a spicy one?” And I chose the spice one and he tells the chef, “can you make a special spicy roll… She likes spicy. But make it really spicy, I’m trying to kill her.”

My heart sunk. Then the chef just looked at me and then back at him. And I tried to smile and pretend that didn’t get to me. Then my husband said, “yes, I’m trying to kill her.”

Not in a million years would I have thought that he would say that about me… Even as a joke…

I went to confession today. My priest suggested Retrouvaille, but my husband doesn’t want to go (because of his back problem). He told me to call them and ask what I could do. I don’t think I can go alone. And what would be the point. I mean, I can do whatever but if he doesn’t want to change or try to understand me, he won’t. No matter what I do, right?

He also asked me what I was going to do. And I told him that I didn’t know. That I know there is no divorce in the church. And he said that what we had wasn’t really marriage.

I can feel your pain. I think it is possible for your husband to find motivation to change, but that has to come with him. If I were you, I would get counseling for yourself. You probably have coverage for it. Then, you would know if your expectations were realistic - they are, but I think at this point your self esteem has taken a blow and you can’t see it. God bless you. You deserve love and respect.