Recently married and hopeless

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with Katherine.

Please get counseling for yourself, and give it a little time to work before making a decision.

You’ll be better able to decide what to do when you have that perspective that counseling can bring you. A counselor can help you find patterns of behavior, and help you know what to look for and focus on, verses what to ignore as unimportant. Right now, though, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It would be difficult for anyone.

God bless you. I will for you.

 

[lucylove1]

I can feel your pain. I think it is possible for your husband to find motivation to change, but that has to come with him. If I were you, I would get counseling for yourself. You probably have coverage for it. Then, you would know if your expectations were realistic - they are, but I think at this point your self esteem has taken a blow and you can’t see it. God bless you. You deserve love and respect.

My self esteem is low. Yes. I think it has even affected me in believing that I can get a better job. I will find a counselor and take it from there. Thank you again for talking to me.

 

[ShanaA1984]

I don’t know about anyone else but I personally do not find jokes about killing ones spouse funny. What bugs me is that he said this out in a public place and the waiter wasn’t sure how to handle that. At this point I would be demanding that he go to counseling, see a priest, or separate. That was completely uncalled for

 

[lucylove1]

I agree with Katherine.

Please get counseling for yourself, and give it a little time to work before making a decision.

You’ll be better able to decide what to do when you have that perspective that counseling can bring you. A counselor can help you find patterns of behavior, and help you know what to look for and focus on, verses what to ignore as unimportant. Right now, though, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It would be difficult for anyone.

God bless you. I will for you.

Thank you! I really appreciate that there are still people out there who care for others even when they haven’t met yet. I thank God for that. I will try to make an appointment with a counselor.

 

[silicasandra]

I don’t know about anyone else but I personally do not find jokes about killing ones spouse funny. What bugs me is that he said this out in a public place and the waiter wasn’t sure how to handle that. At this point I would be demanding that he go to counseling, see a priest, or separate. That was completely uncalled for

My husband will sometimes make jokes like this, but about me killing him:

“Oh, we should do this, if you haven’t killed me yet!” But it’s always clearly a joke, and in some ways an acknowledgement/apology for having frustrated me over something.

Way, way, way different, of course, because he knows I would never. And we would never say something like this in front of other people.

I think this is just awful. OP, I am praying for you, and if you at all in any way think he may have been serious, get out of that house.

 

[lucylove1]

Hello all!

Yesterday my husband and I were talking again about the same thing. He says I’m very negative and I told him I’m just truthful. He says all I see is the bad things in our marriage and I asked him to tell me something good about it, he said “being with me.” I don’t know if I laughed out loud or in my mind. To me that isn’t a good thing because he never really shows me that he loves me. Anyway, you guys already know that.
I told him, “I am serious about separation, are you really not going to do anything about it?” Well, I think all this is repetitive. The point is he told me one time that it was very difficult for him to forget everything I’ve ever said to him. He said that he felt worse than a dog. That I have a way with words that make him feel inferior and that he doesn’t know what to do because it might not be what I want him to do. He also said that he would finally miss work and make an appointment with a counselor. Something I don’t believe because he has said that way too many times before.
Anyway, yesterday after mass, his nephew and niece wanted to order a pizza and watch a movie (we used to do that with them every weekend) so we did. And while we were watching the movie, he lean towards me and put his hand out as if to hold mine. And he had that look on his face that he used to have before. Like a tender look. I felt I shouldn’t give him my hand because I’m still mad at him but I wasn’t able to. He actually did hold my hand. I feel dumb writing this because it might be the lamest thing in the world but to me that was HEAVEN. Even if just for like two minutes. I totally can forget everything that has happened before. Maybe it was a one time thing and doesn’t necessarily suggest that things are going to change. I’m afraid of believing that something good is going to happen.

 

[lucylove1]

My husband will sometimes make jokes like this, but about me killing him:

“Oh, we should do this, if you haven’t killed me yet!” But it’s always clearly a joke, and in some ways an acknowledgement/apology for having frustrated me over something.

Way, way, way different, of course, because he knows I would never. And we would never say something like this in front of other people.

I think this is just awful. OP, I am praying for you, and if you at all in any way think he may have been serious, get out of that house.

Yes, that is totally different. I really didn’t like that but he keeps saying it was a joke. I told him, “of course if someone has been telling you that she feels like you don’t love her the best thing to do is say that you’re trying to kill her.”

He also said that he didn’t say “I’m trying to kill her.” That he said, “try to kill her.” Which I don’t think makes a lot of difference. Either way, he has already said it. I do know he would never do that. Ever.

 

[CatholicRaven]

And while we were watching the movie, he lean towards me and put his hand out as if to hold mine. And he had that look on his face that he used to have before. Like a tender look. I felt I shouldn’t give him my hand because I’m still mad at him but I wasn’t able to. He actually did hold my hand. I feel dumb writing this because it might be the lamest thing in the world but to me that was HEAVEN. Even if just for like two minutes. I totally can forget everything that has happened before. Maybe it was a one time thing and doesn’t necessarily suggest that things are going to change. I’m afraid of believing that something good is going to happen.

So happy for you! It’s not lame at all. I know just what you mean. I love it when my husband does something to show his love, and even though it may seem small or minor to him or anyone else, it’s really a big deal to me because it gives me hope and lets me know that I am loved. And that gives me the strength to keep going.

It sounds like your husband wants to show you love, but is afraid he won’t get it right. Maybe he’s afraid of failure, of disappointing you, of not being able to figure out how to make you happy–or worse, to make an attempt, but then get it wrong and make you feel bad. If the choice is to do nothing, or to upset you, which do you think he’ll choose? The underlying idea is, “I can’t fail if I don’t take risks and/or don’t try”… but the reality in marriage is, if you don’t take some risks and/or don’t try, you WILL fail.

That said, I think you should encourage him. Let him know that his holding your hand made you happy and gave you hope, that you felt loved when he did that. Don’t tell him that you are afraid it was a one-time thing, or that he doesn’t do it enough, or you wish he’d do that more, or anything of that sort. Just focus on the good feelings you felt when he did it this time. Touch him, and/or kiss him, and smile when you tell him how good it made you feel. Make it brief, but sincere (some men get lost when there are too many emotion words to sort through, so keep it short and simple).

Be sure to reward him for EFFORT, not results. For instance, if he brings you roses, and you don’t care for roses, but you like that he was thinking of you, then encourage him anyway. Just gush, “Oh, these are beautiful. Thank you so much for thinking of me!” Then, at some other time, you can mention that daisies or stargazer lilies (or whatever) are your FAVORITE flowers. But take care NOT to make him think he failed by bringing you the wrong flowers!

Have either of you read The Five Love Languages? Or Love and Respect? Both books have good ideas for showing love (and respect), and you might benefit from knowing some ways to encourage him to show love in the way you need it. On the other hand, it might be too much info at once… Take it slow, and be patient. It sounds like there is hope, but remember that changing habits doesn’t happen overnight.

Expect progress, not perfection!

Will continue to for you!

 

[MJJean]

Hello all!

Yesterday my husband and I were talking again about the same thing. He says I’m very negative and I told him I’m just truthful. He says all I see is the bad things in our marriage and I asked him to tell me something good about it, he said “being with me.” I don’t know if I laughed out loud or in my mind. To me that isn’t a good thing because he never really shows me that he loves me. Anyway, you guys already know that.
I told him, “I am serious about separation, are you really not going to do anything about it?” Well, I think all this is repetitive. The point is he told me one time that it was very difficult for him to forget everything I’ve ever said to him. He said that he felt worse than a dog. That I have a way with words that make him feel inferior and that he doesn’t know what to do because it might not be what I want him to do. He also said that he would finally miss work and make an appointment with a counselor. Something I don’t believe because he has said that way too many times before.
Anyway, yesterday after mass, his nephew and niece wanted to order a pizza and watch a movie (we used to do that with them every weekend) so we did. And while we were watching the movie, he lean towards me and put his hand out as if to hold mine. And he had that look on his face that he used to have before. Like a tender look. I felt I shouldn’t give him my hand because I’m still mad at him but I wasn’t able to. He actually did hold my hand. I feel dumb writing this because it might be the lamest thing in the world but to me that was HEAVEN. Even if just for like two minutes. I totally can forget everything that has happened before. Maybe it was a one time thing and doesn’t necessarily suggest that things are going to change. I’m afraid of believing that something good is going to happen.

I think this man does love you and want a real marriage with you.

Look at it from his point of view. He may have gotten sloppy or lazy and stopped demonstrating affection, but out of frustration and hurt and probably misunderstanding, you have said and done things that hurt him and deeply. Now he is like a deer in headlights. He doesn’t know how to be naturally affectionate to you anymore. Which makes a viscous circle of him not behaving with affection because he A) is hurt and B) because he doesn’t have a firm idea of what you want and then you get hurt and angry and then say the things that hurt him like that you want a separation or divorce which leads to him not being affectionate and so on. After some time this all became habit and habits are hard to break.

Men don’t think like women and I am convinced we need a Male-Female dictionary! Have you tried telling him that you love him and want to be his wife for the rest of your life, but that you both really need to work on physical and verbal communication skills, learn to heal and get past the hurts you have done to each other and that counseling will help you both learn to do that? Present it like going to school to learn to be a better married couple and not as therapy. He’s an educated man, so he should understand the need to go to school to learn to do something complicated and we all know marriage is complicated!

 

[Lady_Love]

Lucy Love,

Did you listen/watch those you tube video’s I posted for you to watch?

 

[lucylove1]

Lucy Love,

Did you listen/watch those you tube video’s I posted for you to watch?

I did watch them and I saw myself pictured in what she was saying. But when I got to the third video, I wanted him to listed to it with me and he kind of listened for a little bit and then went ahead to do something else. So I also stopped listening to it. Like, at this point, I kind of understand him because I even annoy myself. Always saying the same thing, always acting the same way. Sometimes I just want to forget everything because I’m tired of listening to myself say the same thing over and over again. I kind of don’t want to do anything anymore and want him to do everything to fix our situation, which I know it’s bad because I am the other half of the marriage (well, the other third because I know Jesus should be in the middle).

 

[lucylove1]

I think this man does love you and want a real marriage with you.

Look at it from his point of view. He may have gotten sloppy or lazy and stopped demonstrating affection, but out of frustration and hurt and probably misunderstanding, you have said and done things that hurt him and deeply. Now he is like a deer in headlights. He doesn’t know how to be naturally affectionate to you anymore. Which makes a viscous circle of him not behaving with affection because he A) is hurt and B) because he doesn’t have a firm idea of what you want and then you get hurt and angry and then say the things that hurt him like that you want a separation or divorce which leads to him not being affectionate and so on. After some time this all became habit and habits are hard to break.

He has told me the exact same thing! But we sure don’t know how to stop this and if he never agrees to go to counseling then we are doomed. But like I said, he told me he will make an appointment this time for sure. Only God knows if that’s going to happen.
To tell you the truth, I am not affectionate with him anymore. I’m like, the grumpy boss. And he has also told me that. That it feels like I’m his boss. And I have no idea how to go back to my old happy-go-lucky self.

 

[MJJean]

He has told me the exact same thing! But we sure don’t know how to stop this and if he never agrees to go to counseling then we are doomed. But like I said, he told me he will make an appointment this time for sure. Only God knows if that’s going to happen.
To tell you the truth, I am not affectionate with him anymore. I’m like, the grumpy boss. And he has also told me that. That it feels like I’m his boss. And I have no idea how to go back to my old happy-go-lucky self.

Well, make a conscious effort to be nicer to him! You’ve both gotten into bad habits,but they are breakable. Little things do mean a lot. Just take it day by day and each and every day try consciously to show him affection. He may be confused and not know what to do, how to respond. That’s ok, though, he’ll get it after some time. If you feel discouraged, remind yourself that he has had a hard time and been hurt, too.

Think about the hand holding. If you had not taken his hand he would have felt hurt and rejected and not tried to be affectionate again, right? But you didn’t want to reject him. You wanted to hold his hand. You were just hesitant because you didn’t want to open yourself to hurt. He feels the same way! So, if you are being affectionate and he doesn’t respond the way you’d like, remember that.

You may never be the happy-go-lucky self you were. Time and experiences change all of us. But you can try to have a more positive attitude, cultivate a sense of humor, not sweat the small stuff, and move on from this sad place you’ve been in. Things may be rough, but you’re both still together and you’re both still breathing.

Actually, that’s one of the things I like to remind myself from time to time when I am angry at my husband and tempted to hold a grudge and act like the Wicked Witch of the Midwest. Everyone dies. I think to myself “The world is full of widows and widowers. Someday, either myself or my husband will die and the other will be left behind.” and at that point things seem to be more in perspective and I become so happy that we are still here together that I will go apologize if I was in the wrong or simply let go of a wrong I think he has done me and just love him. Maybe that thought will help you both.

Also, if he doesn’t like lectures and videos and counselors, maybe get him some books to read that will help. Try something written with a lively wit and sense of humor to keep him interested.

 

[TomFromMD]

That said, I think you should encourage him. Let him know that his holding your hand made you happy and gave you hope, that you felt loved when he did that. Don’t tell him that you are afraid it was a one-time thing, or that he doesn’t do it enough, or you wish he’d do that more, or anything of that sort. Just focus on the good feelings you felt when he did it this time. Touch him, and/or kiss him, and smile when you tell him how good it made you feel. Make it brief, but sincere (some men get lost when there are too many emotion words to sort through, so keep it short and simple).

Be sure to reward him for EFFORT, not results. For instance, if he brings you roses, and you don’t care for roses, but you like that he was thinking of you, then encourage him anyway. Just gush, “Oh, these are beautiful. Thank you so much for thinking of me!” Then, at some other time, you can mention that daisies or stargazer lilies (or whatever) are your FAVORITE flowers. But take care NOT to make him think he failed by bringing you the wrong flowers!

This.

 

[lucylove1]

Ever since I started writing here, I have been feeling a little better. Like it doesn’t seem as horrible as I saw it before. Yes, I get sad at times but it quickly goes away. I have to thank you all who have taken the time to write something in response. I mean, you guys don’t even know me and yet take your precious time to try and help me. I appreciate it very much. May God give you many blessings that you won’t be able to count them. May He fill your life with bliss.
Thank you so much.:flowers:

 

[qui_est_ce]

He has told me the exact same thing! But we sure don’t know how to stop this and if he never agrees to go to counseling then we are doomed. But like I said, he told me he will make an appointment this time for sure. Only God knows if that’s going to happen.
To tell you the truth, I am not affectionate with him anymore. I’m like, the grumpy boss. And he has also told me that. That it feels like I’m his boss. And I have no idea how to go back to my old happy-go-lucky self.

You’re beginning to get it!

You can only change yourself! :hug3:

 

[lucylove1]

You’re beginning to get it!

You can only change yourself! :hug3:

Yes!

 

[rayne89]

I will try this for sure. Thank you for sharing.
Did you ever think, “why does it have to be me the one doing everything?” and if yes, how did you get passed that? I find it very hard to get over that. I think it’s unfair and that’s why I can’t start being nice to him again. I myself have problems with showing affection but I still try to. And this is what gets me even more angry. That it is difficult for me to show affection too and I don’t see anybody trying to make it easier for me. I am so selfish, am I not? How do I get over this?

Lucy mammamaree gave excellent advice. Trust me when I say I have moments like yours. My husband and I both come from dysfunction. I, like you, doted on him, tried to take care of all his needs. I thought if I loved him so much it would fix his pain. And trust me he played the part of rescuer when we were dating. And he loved that role, he was needed, he was important. We were two broken children that ran off and got married -young. The way I coped/cope with the dysfunction is to be loving, be attentive do all the things I desperately wanted to feel. I thought he would respond in kind. I responded to the dysfunction in my growing up years is to be a “fighter”, to be stronger, be better, to not make people the way I was made to feel. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to appreciate the special grace God bestowed upon to be so resilient. Everyone is given different gifts from God. I also have scars that “seem” to make me selfless. I go out of my way to make other people feel better. I will suck it up and even be miserable so as not to appear a burden to others. I go out of my way to try to make people happy. This comes from a desperate need to be acceptable and to not be the “problem” my mother made me out to be. My husband’s response was not mine. He did not become a fighter, he withdrew into a shell and deeply walled himself off for protection. He was raised by a very selfish abusive man, and even though he is a thousand times better person than his father is -he can be selfish without even realizing it and can often times not notice the ways I go out of my way for him. He is in therapy now finally and we have twenty two years of marriage and trials and triumphs. But I really understand “when is it my turn?”
If you want to make things better you are going to have to try to draw your husband out and subtly teach him how to be. It most cases what mommaree said does work. My thought is what do you have to loose? My husband has been amazing when I have been sick. (I have major medical problems) But there have also been times when I’m the one in the hospital bed and he’s the one complaining about his sleep getting interrupted by the in and out of nurses. If he feels essential he steps up. (And remember we’ve been married along time so its been two steps forward and one step back). But if its boring routine stuff or if his depression in getting bad he can fall into “me centered” behavior -those are his scars. Mine make me look like a better person, his do not but they both come from a painful place.

 

[lucylove1]

Lucy mammamaree gave excellent advice. Trust me when I say I have moments like yours. My husband and I both come from dysfunction. I, like you, doted on him, tried to take care of all his needs. I thought if I loved him so much it would fix his pain. And trust me he played the part of rescuer when we were dating. And he loved that role, he was needed, he was important. We were two broken children that ran off and got married -young. The way I coped/cope with the dysfunction is to be loving, be attentive do all the things I desperately wanted to feel. I thought he would respond in kind. I responded to the dysfunction in my growing up years is to be a “fighter”, to be stronger, be better, to not make people the way I was made to feel. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to appreciate the special grace God bestowed upon to be so resilient. Everyone is given different gifts from God. I also have scars that “seem” to make me selfless. I go out of my way to make other people feel better. I will suck it up and even be miserable so as not to appear a burden to others. I go out of my way to try to make people happy. This comes from a desperate need to be acceptable and to not be the “problem” my mother made me out to be. My husband’s response was not mine. He did not become a fighter, he withdrew into a shell and deeply walled himself off for protection. He was raised by a very selfish abusive man, and even though he is a thousand times better person than his father is -he can be selfish without even realizing it and can often times not notice the ways I go out of my way for him. He is in therapy now finally and we have twenty two years of marriage and trials and triumphs. But I really understand “when is it my turn?”
If you want to make things better you are going to have to try to draw your husband out and subtly teach him how to be. It most cases what mommaree said does work. My thought is what do you have to loose? My husband has been amazing when I have been sick. (I have major medical problems) But there have also been times when I’m the one in the hospital bed and he’s the one complaining about his sleep getting interrupted by the in and out of nurses. If he feels essential he steps up. (And remember we’ve been married along time so its been two steps forward and one step back). But if its boring routine stuff or if his depression in getting bad he can fall into “me centered” behavior -those are his scars. Mine make me look like a better person, his do not but they both come from a painful place.

You sound a lot like me!!
Sometimes I think that because one is very strong (praise the Lord) then people take advantage of that. But I also thank God that other people, for example my siblings, didn’t go through what I went through because I don’t think they would be able to take it. Even my brother said that to me. But anyway, my husband comes from a whole different background. He had everything. Loving parents, good economic status (not rich, but not in need of anything). I had to start working in high school in order to help out the family. He went all through the university without having a job. His parents would buy him everything he needed: computer, books, clothes, extra money. My parents barely had money to buy food for us. So I had to work and go to school which wasn’t an impossible thing to do but it made it a little harder on me. Especially because I had just arrived to the States and had no idea of how things worked out. He was born here, his sister had already gone to college so he and his family knew what to expect.
Sometimes, to be honest, I do dislike him because he had everything available to him. And he can’t understand my hardships. I sometimes feel judged by him as not trying hard enough to reach my goals and I feel sad then angry about that. I do have a lot of baggage and I know that makes it harder for me to have a good relationship.
I’ve always wanted to go to therapy but I have no money. I’ve tried to find counseling via my dioceses but when I call they give me someone else’s number, then I call and they tell me I need to contact someone else and so on. And I get tired. Maybe I shouldn’t give up so easily but that’s another problem I have.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Yes!