Recipe for a successful, long lasting marriage?

[Catholic1954]

There’s obviously not one perfect formula for all marriages, but most of these seem as if they’d be effective:

• Meeting through friends
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday
• Saying the L-word at least once a day
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family
• Taking two romantic meals out each month
• Doing the deed three times per week
• Kissing four times per day
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month
• Taking two weekends away per year

We only did/do three of these, and our 32 is the day after tomorrow!!!

 

[mrpathetic]

If a person stays in a marriage that is abusive, destructive, etc…I would imagine it would have more painful moments than not. But, you talk about marriage as if it is a terrible albatross that hangs around your neck…how tragic…

I simply understand this fact:

When we take our marriage vows, we vow to remain married “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse.”

For many (if not most) of us, we get the poorer, the sickness, the worse. And anyone who is contemplating marriage has to realize that the same thing can happen to them.

I accept that this is the reality of my marriage, and my life. And I fully anticipate that it will be this way, until the end of my life on earth. I have given up on trying to change my wife, or to change the dynamics of my marriage. It is pointless.

===============================================================

Classic case: I lost my job last month. I found a temp job to help make ends meet, and I cannot take vacation. I am turning in 70+ hour work-weeks now, trying to pay the bills.

My wife has scheduled a trip on an Alaskan cruise ship this summer. She is going, with or without me - I am not invited. She is taking her mother instead.

We should be cutting back or economizing right now, but my wife refuses. When I tried to rationalize with her, she simply tells me: “I have my own job and my own money, and I can spend it how I damn well please.” I have no retort to that type of argument.

I will remain in my marriage, out of pure fealty to Christ. And I will accept whatever burdens, or sufferings, or humiliations that come about.

Honestly, I face two choices: a) fight a losing battle against my wife, or b) accept the situation, and try to find some inner peace. I will chose the second route, and place all my hope in the next life. I see no other realistic alternative.

 

[whatevergirl]

I simply understand this fact:

When we take our marriage vows, we vow to remain married “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse.”

For many (if not most) of us, we get the poorer, the sickness, the worse. And anyone who is contemplating marriage has to realize that the same thing can happen to them.

I accept that this is the reality of my marriage, and my life. And I fully anticipate that it will be this way, until the end of my life on earth. I have given up on trying to change my wife, or to change the dynamics of my marriage. It is pointless.

===============================================================

Classic case: I lost my job last month. I found a temp job to help make ends meet, and I cannot take vacation. I am turning in 70+ hour work-weeks now, trying to pay the bills.

My wife has scheduled a trip on an Alaskan cruise ship this summer. She is going, with or without me - I am not invited. She is taking her mother instead.

We should be cutting back or economizing right now, but my wife refuses. When I tried to rationalize with her, she simply tells me: “I have my own job and my own money, and I can spend it how I damn well please.” I have no retort to that type of argument.

I will remain in my marriage, out of pure fealty to Christ. And I will accept whatever burdens, or sufferings, or humiliations that come about.

Honestly, I face two choices: a) fight a losing battle against my wife, or b) accept the situation, and try to find some inner peace. I will chose the second route, and place all my hope in the next life. I see no other realistic alternative.

***mr p, your posts make me so sad. I just know that all marriages are not like this, mine isn’t. That’s all I was trying to say, is that marriage shouldn’t be 24/7 misery, it really really shouldn’t be.

I feel badly for you mr p…and I’m sorry you lost your job.

I recently bought a cd called Rosary is a Place, with Fr Groescel, and he talks about how we shouldn’t walk away from suffering…I thought of you today, when listening to the sorrowful mysteries. BUT…he also said we are to have joy in our hearts knowing we are uniting our sufferings to Christ. Joy in suffering? Joy in knowing our Savior died so we wouldn’t have to carry our crosses alone.

You’re not alone, mr p. ***

 

[Serap]

I simply understand this fact:

When we take our marriage vows, we vow to remain married “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse.”

For many (if not most) of us, we get the poorer, the sickness, the worse. And anyone who is contemplating marriage has to realize that the same thing can happen to them.

I accept that this is the reality of my marriage, and my life. And I fully anticipate that it will be this way, until the end of my life on earth. I have given up on trying to change my wife, or to change the dynamics of my marriage. It is pointless.

===============================================================

Classic case: I lost my job last month. I found a temp job to help make ends meet, and I cannot take vacation. I am turning in 70+ hour work-weeks now, trying to pay the bills.

My wife has scheduled a trip on an Alaskan cruise ship this summer. She is going, with or without me - I am not invited. She is taking her mother instead.

We should be cutting back or economizing right now, but my wife refuses. When I tried to rationalize with her, she simply tells me: “I have my own job and my own money, and I can spend it how I damn well please.” I have no retort to that type of argument.

I will remain in my marriage, out of pure fealty to Christ. And I will accept whatever burdens, or sufferings, or humiliations that come about.

Honestly, I face two choices: a) fight a losing battle against my wife, or b) accept the situation, and try to find some inner peace. I will chose the second route, and place all my hope in the next life. I see no other realistic alternative.

Sounds like she doesn’t understand the concept of marriage. I feel for you!

I will pray that things get better for you on the job front.

 

[Deacon_Ed_B]

I simply understand this fact:

When we take our marriage vows, we vow to remain married “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse.”

For many (if not most) of us, we get the poorer, the sickness, the worse. And anyone who is contemplating marriage has to realize that the same thing can happen to them.

I accept that this is the reality of my marriage, and my life. And I fully anticipate that it will be this way, until the end of my life on earth. I have given up on trying to change my wife, or to change the dynamics of my marriage. It is pointless.

===============================================================

Classic case: I lost my job last month. I found a temp job to help make ends meet, and I cannot take vacation. I am turning in 70+ hour work-weeks now, trying to pay the bills.

My wife has scheduled a trip on an Alaskan cruise ship this summer. She is going, with or without me - I am not invited. She is taking her mother instead.

We should be cutting back or economizing right now, but my wife refuses. When I tried to rationalize with her, she simply tells me: “I have my own job and my own money, and I can spend it how I damn well please.” I have no retort to that type of argument.

I will remain in my marriage, out of pure fealty to Christ. And I will accept whatever burdens, or sufferings, or humiliations that come about.

Honestly, I face two choices: a) fight a losing battle against my wife, or b) accept the situation, and try to find some inner peace. I will chose the second route, and place all my hope in the next life. I see no other realistic alternative.

I will keep both you and your wife in sincere prayer. I will pray that your wife’s eyes and heart are opened and she realize what her role is to be in marriage. I will keep you in prayer that you persevere with love and hope.

 

[shannyk]

I simply understand this fact:

When we take our marriage vows, we vow to remain married “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse.”

For many (if not most) of us, we get the poorer, the sickness, the worse. And anyone who is contemplating marriage has to realize that the same thing can happen to them.

I accept that this is the reality of my marriage, and my life. And I fully anticipate that it will be this way, until the end of my life on earth. I have given up on trying to change my wife, or to change the dynamics of my marriage. It is pointless.

===============================================================

Classic case: I lost my job last month. I found a temp job to help make ends meet, and I cannot take vacation. I am turning in 70+ hour work-weeks now, trying to pay the bills.

My wife has scheduled a trip on an Alaskan cruise ship this summer. She is going, with or without me - I am not invited. She is taking her mother instead.

We should be cutting back or economizing right now, but my wife refuses. When I tried to rationalize with her, she simply tells me: “I have my own job and my own money, and I can spend it how I damn well please.” I have no retort to that type of argument.

I will remain in my marriage, out of pure fealty to Christ. And I will accept whatever burdens, or sufferings, or humiliations that come about.

Honestly, I face two choices: a) fight a losing battle against my wife, or b) accept the situation, and try to find some inner peace. I will chose the second route, and place all my hope in the next life. I see no other realistic alternative.

Wow, mrpathetic, (btw I hate that screen name , no offense, but it’s very self deprecating). I’m very sorry you’re going though this, many prayers for your wife and you.

 

[violeta7]

What can I say. Let me reiterate what I have stated several times, in other forums, and other posts:

1. We are called as Christian spouses to be ministers to each other. If you are married to an immature person, then you are called to minister to an immature person.
2. Our marriages should reflect the relationship between Christ and his Church. This is the true lesson of Ephesians chapter 5.
3. Christ suffered and died for His Church. So we are all called to suffer for our spouses. If you want to see the reality of marriage, don’t read a Harlequin romance, or watch the Movie of the Week on the Lifetime network - instead, stare at a crucifix.

Marriage is suffering. Marriage is misery. Marriage is humiliation. Marriage is a series of countless unrewarded sacrifices, day in and day out. Once I accepted this fact, both my self-respect and confidence improved, as did my overall faith.

And if you are married to an immature person, that can seem like being married to a child.

Unfortunately, this is what you are called to do. Either except the calling of Holy Matrimony, or do not./QUOTE

Mr. P,

Can you explain to me how can I remain married to a man who is unfaithful? many times! I think this is not good for my mental or physical health!

 

[GraceDK]

Island Oak;

• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride

I like this part…
maybe its not too late for me after all

 

[Island_Oak]

Was ill for a while after this thread was posted & I missed many of the posts. Thanks to all who shared their stories. GREAT way to start the day! Proves there’s no one right way to do anything!!!

 

[mrpathetic]

Mr. P,

Can you explain to me how can I remain married to a man who is unfaithful? many times! I think this is not good for my mental or physical health!

It is not good for your physical or mental health. It certainly wasn’t good for mine.

I now suffer from a combination of anxiety, depression, and high blood pressure. I have to take 5 separate medications ever day, just to keep me alive. I didn’t have these conditions before my marriage. Maybe I would experience them, if I had never married, but that is speculation.

And the mental problems - I have spent countless hours in counseling, from all sorts of sources - the clergy, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc. And I have read self-help books, received online support from this forum and other locations, etc.

And I have prayed. I have prayed hard, harder than any time in my life. I pray at least 5 decades of the rosary every often more. Plus I pray the prayer of St. Gertrude; I have found it helpful as well.

In effect, I have tried it all. I realize this experience is draining the life energy out of me. I don’t know how many years I have left. I save for my retirement, but I doubt if I will reach the retirement age.

===============================================================

How do I continue to live in this situation? I have faith in the next life. That’s it. That is the only knowledge that really helps me cope with my circumstance.

I have adopted the mentality of someone who is terminally ill. Many of my relatives coped with chronic illnesses, for many years, before they died. I can use them for my inspiration.

I have placed all my hopes in the Lord, in the belief that what lies waiting for me in the next life, is better than what I have today.

===========================================================

So I live in faith, prayer, obedience, continence, and self-sacrifice. That is the key if you are married to a “Saintmaker.”

One of Fr. Corapi’s sermons aired on EWTN last weekend. In that sermon, he referred to bad spouses as “Saintmaker”. If you can endure the trial of faith, that a bad spouse presents, then there will be a reward for you, in Heaven.

I hope he’s right.

 

[Island_Oak]

…Marriage is suffering. Marriage is misery. Marriage is humiliation. Marriage is a series of countless unrewarded sacrifices, day in and day out. Once I accepted this fact, both my self-respect and confidence improved, as did my overall faith.

No they didn’t. You would have picked another screen name if they had.

…And if you are married to an immature person, that can seem like being married to a child.

Unfortunately, this is what you are called to do. Either except the calling of Holy Matrimony, or do not.

Wrong. This is finding yourself in a marriage with an impediment that may render the undertaking null and void. In any event your description of marriage and tolerance of such a high level of unremitting abuse in your own life is NOT normal, nor what we are called to in Catholic marriage. Your refusal to seek help and/or relief is also not normal or healthy and doesn’t hold much promise of anything other than continued misery. To think THAT is what we are called to do in marriage is a perversion of a beautiful sacrament that is designed to impart joy, companionship and sharing of life’s pleasures as well as burdens. What you describe having is NOT a marriage, it’s enslavement. To accept such, particularly in this day when there are so many options for relationship and menal health assistance, points to mental health issues in both partners.

 

[mrpathetic]

Your refusal to seek help and/or relief is also not normal or healthy and doesn’t hold much promise of anything other than continued misery.

To accept such, particularly in this day when there are so many options for relationship and menal health assistance, points to mental health issues in both partners.

Oh, I have asked for assistance, and tried to use it, to improve my marriage. It brought me to the brink of divorce. No, I don’t consider that improvement.

I have tried three separate therapists/marriage counselors, and a practicing psychiatrist, over the past ten years. I have also attended group therapy sessions at my parish.

My last marriage counselor was a Christian-based counselor in my hometown. He had me attempt the Boundaries method, and the Love Dare method. Both methods only served to antagonize my wife, which led to coming extremely close to divorce. These only made the situation worse, not better. And it is already bad enough.

I also tried a secular method, called “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, which I was also recommended to. That did absolutely no good for me, either. Ultimately, I felt this was all a waste of time and money.

===========================================================

What ultimately helped? What ultimately saved my marriage? I prayed long and hard - as hard as I ever did before. I have prayed the Rosary daily, for many months now.

I have prayed for the strenght to face this situation. I have prayed for the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to guide me down this path. What have I discerned? That the Lord wants my marriage to continue.

And I have prayed for my wife’s return to Christianity (although that hasn’t happened so far.)

And I have prayed for continued continence, despite the constant temptations to sin. I am looking at another 30+ years of complete continence, if I live to the average lifespan of men in my age group. I can only do this with the grace of the Holy Spirit.

 

[GraceDK]

Oh, I have asked for assistance, and tried to use it, to improve my marriage. It brought me to the brink of divorce. No, I don’t consider that improvement.

I have tried three separate therapists/marriage counselors, and a practicing psychiatrist, over the past ten years. I have also attended group therapy sessions at my parish.

My last marriage counselor was a Christian-based counselor in my hometown. He had me attempt the Boundaries method, and the Love Dare method. Both methods only served to antagonize my wife, which led to coming extremely close to divorce. These only made the situation worse, not better. And it is already bad enough.

I also tried a secular method, called “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, which I was also recommended to. That did absolutely no good for me, either. Ultimately, I felt this was all a waste of time and money.

===========================================================

What ultimately helped? What ultimately saved my marriage? I prayed long and hard - as hard as I ever did before. I have prayed the Rosary daily, for many months now.

I have prayed for the strenght to face this situation. I have prayed for the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to guide me down this path. What have I discerned? That the Lord wants my marriage to continue.

And I have prayed for my wife’s return to Christianity (although that hasn’t happened so far.)

And I have prayed for continued continence, despite the constant temptations to sin. I am looking at another 30+ years of complete continence, if I live to the average lifespan of men in my age group. I can only do this with the grace of the Holy Spirit.

I think you should consider seperating from your wife.
As it is, it seems you are alone in your marriage, and like the other poster said, I dont think we are called to this. Neither do I think its a sign of piety that you allow your self to be a victim throughout your life.
You living your own life now would probably be best for both parties in so many ways. You have to take responsibility of your own life and stop being a victim that you and your wife both have made you into.
I have a good priest in another city, and whenever I go to confession with him the first thing he points out to me is my duty to take care of my health, get my sleep and nutrition etc. This is a Christian duty that is very important.

 

[Serap]

I think you should consider seperating from your wife.
As it is, it seems you are alone in your marriage, and like the other poster said, I dont think we are called to this. Neither do I think its a sign of piety that you allow your self to be a victim throughout your life.
You living your own life now would probably be best for both parties in so many ways. You have to take responsibility of your own life and stop being a victim that you and your wife both have made you into.
I have a good priest in another city, and whenever I go to confession with him the first thing he points out to me is my duty to take care of my health, get my sleep and nutrition etc. This is a Christian duty that is very important.

Mr. P.,

Heed any advice on CAF. You discern for yourself what is best for you. We on CAF can easily give good or bad advice, but you have decided what is best for your life and you have made that decision with God.

You have given CAF readers your side of the story, so we should give advice with caution. Only a good priest/therapist should be giving advice on the future of your marriage.