Recipe for a successful, long lasting marriage?

[Serap]

I have a question maybe even an issue with this whole marriage thing. I just got married to of course a man I love with all my heart, but since we have gotten married, things have gone down hill quickly.

I work in my profession all day long Monday thru Friday and when I come home it’s family time, when I got married my husband was getting ready to have knee surgery so he did not move in after we said our I do’s. His mother thought since she was a nurse and his sister was a nurse and I worked all day, it would be better if he just stayed home. I thought this too would be a good idea, the stress from my job then coming home to take care of him would be a little more than I could handle. Plus he got mean after his surgery (don’t get me wrong I know most of that was pain he had); but he was really mean, as he got better rather than wanting to spend time with me it was spending time with everyone else expect me. He went out without me to celebrate that he was now married, he went out with his friends to drink and enjoy himself. I was no where in that picture, not an invitation not even a I’m doing this with so and so. The only way I would know he was out and about was the mid-night calls while he was drunk. Well now we’ve been married for four months and he still hasn’t moved in, we fight all of the time (he makes me so angry - I can’t and don’t see us fixing this) all because he is always drinking. There are times we talk at 10:00 a.m. and he’s already drunk saying dumb things to me. His excuse is always he was drinking and he doesn’t remember. My response is if you can’t remember what you’ve said and done, then you have a problem and how can I trust you if you are always blaming it on your drinking and not taking responsibility for what you do. All he says is that I don’t love him and I won’t help him. But how do you help someone that doesn’t keep their word. That doesn’t take responsibility and that just won’t man up…I don’t want a boy in my life I want a man I can share my life with. We’ve gone in very different directions and part of me wants to stick it out, one because I love him and feel marriage is forever; but on the other hand I think why should I put up with this nonsense we are both grown people that need to take responsibilities for our actions…some advise please. I need some sort of direction or an objective person to help me see the right path here.

Thanks.

I just read your post…I feel very sad for you! He sounds like he’s not really in this marriage at all. It’s like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend still.

Please go and see your priest! He will be able to give you good Catholic advice.

My thoughts are that your marriage can easily be annuled simply by the fact that you have never lived together as a married couple. He sounds a little immature also. How old is he? He sounds like a fraternity brother.

God would not want you in a marriage like this.

 

[mayradavila]

Thank you for the advice and for being mindful of my sadness as well. To answer your question he is forty, and very immature. It’s my biggest fight with him. I will take your advice and go speak with my priest about this whole issue.

Again, thank you so very much for the advice and the prayers.

Mayra

 

[Serap]

Thank you for the advice and for being mindful of my sadness as well. To answer your question he is forty, and very immature. It’s my biggest fight with him. I will take your advice and go speak with my priest about this whole issue.

Again, thank you so very much for the advice and the prayers.

Mayra

That’s great to hear.

A priest is really the best person to speak to about this. When you see your priest, ask the Holy Spirit to guide the priest when he speaks to you.

Sometimes we marry someone who is not part of God’s plan, a marriage built on sand falls apart very quickly. You deserve happiness and love in your life.

The priest can best discern what you should do.

 

[JanetF]

Hmm. My recipe is short. God, communication with each other, and patience.

I married DH when he was 25 and I was 22. It will be 23 years this October. Our marriage has not been perfect, but we started out with the belie that it would be until death do us part --non-negotiable. There have been rocky times for sure, but the love keeps us coming back to each other.

During pre-cana, one of the presenters made a comment that has stuck with me all through my married life. “You make a DECISION to love this person for the rest of your life.” Sooooo true.

Oh, and we dated for 4 1/2 years before getting married, had been married for 11 years before our child was born, met through friends, are both catholic…

 

[tinalewis]

I have a wonderfully happy marriage after 11 years. These aren’t requirements, just observations:

We met at work (we worked in different departments).

We waited a little bit over a year to get married.

We were both over 35 when we got married.

No kids.

Two cats.

Both New Yorkers.

Both vegetarians.

Now: both Catholics!

 

[crondam]

Husband and wife should be committed to making the marriage work. We have found that God and communication are two of the things that help us keep the marriage going strong. We have been 14 years last week. We have also joined Team of Our Lady, and have found that praying together and having monthly sit-downs (communicating with each other) have also strengthened our marriage.

 

[LongingForLight]

Most of these things seem incidental, or like side effects of basic rules of demonstrating affection and good communication. I agree with previous posters that the main rule is: Keep the marriage between three people: The man, the woman, and God. Then, the next part (which follows from the first, really) is to marry with the unshakeable intent of having it be for life. Then, love your spouse more than your own body.

For practical advice on how to maintain a feeling of love on a daily basis, I prefer Dr. John Gottman’s rule of “Maintain a ratio of 5 positive interactions for each negative one” as a rule for a marriage relationship (or any relationship, really). The book “The Five Love Languages” can be a great way to figure out what interactions will have the most positive impact on your spouse. I would also add to admit that sometimes serious problems exist, and deal with serious problems - perceived, or real - promptly (while maintaining that 5-to-1 ratio).

If you don’t have the basics right - complete commitment and an honest desire to promote your beloved’s well being even over your own - nothing else matters. No amount of statistics will bring you happiness. And if you have both these, and offer them to God and let Him into the relationship, again - nothing else matters. No amount of statistics can break what you have. Even if you are seperated by illness, distance, or temporary weakness - you can still share a wonderful marriage.

Of course, I’ve only been married for 4 years and I’m under the suggested age for the bride to walk the aisle still So take this with a grain of salt.

 

[violeta7]

question to MaryDavila, did you not know he was immature or a drunk before you married him? how long did you date?

 

[Little_Dove]

I was engaged to my wife after knowing her for only 1 month and married after knowing her 4 months. That was 44 years ago.
Simple advice. Pray together daily. You feel awkward at first, but after just a little while it comes easy. It makes you realize that God is a partner in your marriage and that you are his gift to one another.
Never go to bed without telling your spouse you love him/her. We tell each other, “Sleep well, knowing I love you”. We say this regardless of whether we are angry with one another or not. It is the valve that lets the anger go.
Our years have been blessed with 5 children and 13 grandchildren. My wife has now been 100% disabled since 1992 and is not doing well. Please keep her in your prayers.

My husband and I met at a Catholic retreat for singles called “Choice”. We got engaged 2 months after that, and have been very happily married for 20 years!!! We live by the words: "You before me, Christ before us!
God Bless!
To Jesus, through Mary

 

[Serap]

question to MaryDavila, did you not know he was immature or a drunk before you married him? how long did you date?

Come on…be nice! We all make mistakes in life and don’t need our noses rubbed in it!

 

[mrsd7]

Sorry, but like previous posters, I think most of that list is hogwash.

We got married at 21(me) and 22 (DH), had Baby A 10 mths later (and B 1 yr after that etc until G so far).

I think that to follow the Church’s teaching (which incidentally I have found very liberating within marriage) you have to be open to children straight away. The great thing about that is that just as the “honeymoon” period is wearing off, you have a new focus for your attention and you can work together on your parenting.

Spending time together doing things that you both like are important. DH plays too much sport (I think) but we play tennis together and the children come along too so it’s a family outing.

We share some common interests, eg. movies, but most importantly we share similar value systems. We believe in marriage being “till death” etc (aargh - I knew I shouldn 't have had such a large life insurance policy!), hard work, faithfulness and loyalty and the importance of education for the children etc. DH is a Catholic convert (just before we married) and occasionally this can mean that we don’t have the same interpretation of the Church’s teaching and he finds it difficult to accept the Church’s authority, which causes angst sometimes (meat on Fridays?). Overall we’re on the same page.

We only “went out” properly for about 6 mths, then were engaged for 4 mths. But we did hang out very closely during that time at Uni - he was my best friend and I would recommend only marrying someone fitting that category.

Frankly, though, he and I hae both changed a lot since we were married 14 yrs ago. Charlotte, in Pride and Prejudice, points out that we change a great deal after we’re married so she suggests it’s best to know as little as possible. I don’t agree with the last part but I do think that you marry people for their inherent personal characteristics - their integrity and this will be what will sustain you through most of your marriage.

The other thing is to be prepared to be a martyr at times. Sometimes in marriage it is just hard work and you can’t give up. Patience brings its own reward and relationships which we think will scar us forever can be mended and we can move on (though it can take a lot of prayer and modelling on Our Lord).

 

[violeta7]

serap,
I am not trying to make her feel bad. The reason I ask is because I too married a very immature man and should have seen it coming… now I am separated…we can’t just complain about their behavior if they were that way before tying the knot.

 

[Leonius]

The recipe to have a lifelong marriage is:

• Be a practicing Catholic
• Marry a practicing Catholic
• Help each other to continue in the Faith.
• Do Not convince yourself you can change a bad man into a good one after you marry, they will be the same man after marriage, I see this happen a lot, the only person you can change is yourself.

That will also help you save your immortal soul as a bonus.

Your not going to find good marriage advice from secular sources they do not even understand what marriage is. Some of these suggestions would in all likelihood require you to sin to achieve them also.

• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship

Such a long courtship is a strong temptation to various sins of the flesh and is usually advised against.

Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride

Marriage provides great defence for the couple from all kinds of sins , to deliberately put marriage of till such a late age is to rob yourself of the many benefits of marriage. Clearly it is a mistake to marry before you are able to fulfil the duties of the married state but other than that there is no reason to artificially delay the marriage.

• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family

This would require you to either abstain for the conjugal act or use contraception, all of which pervert marriage from its purposes.

Most of the others are just silly because people are individuals and cannot all be put into the same box as this is trying to do.

 

[ac_claire]

A few more:

• Receive the Sacraments often
• Pray together, especially a daily Rosary if possible
• Don’t go to bed angry, don’t stay angry
• Always communicate, even if it goes against your nature. Also, men-- talk with and listen to your wives…women tend to like to talk, but it’s just our way of connecting, showing affection, and winding down from a long day.

 

[Leonius]

"- Waiting two years and two months before starting a family "

Marrying with this intention would actually invalidate your marriage.

 

[mrpathetic]

My recipe for a long-lasting marriage? **100% obedience to the will of Christ. **Accept that it is the Lord’s will, for you to remain married to your spouse. Give yourself, and your spouse, over to the Lord, completely and totally.

Understand that you vow of marriage isn’t just to your spouse, but to Christ. There are three persons in your marriage - you, your spouse, and Christ.

With this knowledge, and a complete faith in the Lord, your marriage can survive. It can overcome anything and everything.

I have been married nearly 20 years now. My marriage has survived mental and physical illness, financial setbacks, career failure, adultery, sexlessness - the works. Without faith in Christ, this would not have happened.

This approach can work for you too.

 

[OSUbride0708]

Haha oh my, let’s see…

• Meeting through friends - Well sort of. We met during track and field in 7th/8th grade
• Marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship - Ours was more like 5, because we wanted to wait until I was done with college and we were both able to move home
• Walking the aisle at age 31 for the groom and age 29 for the bride - Eek. I was 21 and he was 24. We both would love to have more than a few children and I would love to be done having babies by my mid 30s, so that probably would make me feel rushed.
• Keeping the spark alive with three calls, e-mails or texts during each workday - Oh geez, I don’t have time to call, email or text when I’m at work, and neither does he! Not that I wouldn’t want to.
• Saying the L-word at least once a day - I think we say it way more than that.
• Waiting two years and two months before starting a family - Hmm…considering I was pregnant 2 months after the wedding, this one didn’t work out either.
• Taking two romantic meals out each month - I wouldn’t say we do this. We do go out to dinner but I wouldn’t call them romantic meals. A lot of the time we include his siblings when we do things like that.
• Doing the deed three times per week - Eh, sometimes more, sometimes less. It all depends on whats going on, how both people are feeling, etc. Sometimes it’s a lot more than that though. With me being pregnant now, it’s a lot more scarce.
• Kissing four times per day - We don’t keep a count, but probably about right.
• Spending three nights per week cuddling on the sofa - We spend some time together every night, especially since I’m pregnant and I think it’s important for him to talk to the baby.
• Allowing for two separate nights out with friends per month - I suppose it’s allowed but neither of us does it. I think this will change as we get more established and make more friends in the area. All of ours are away in college or have moved away.
• Taking two weekends away per year - Don’t know if we will or won’t, but neither of us would be against it.

Obviously, I don’t think these are essential for a successful marriage.

 

[Serap]

serap,
I am not trying to make her feel bad. The reason I ask is because I too married a very immature man and should have seen it coming… now I am separated…we can’t just complain about their behavior if they were that way before tying the knot.

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful when we marry someone hoping that all the imperfections will change after you are married. Us women tend to create fantasy sometimes when it comes to love and romance.

Yes, you can complain I think because you had hopes and dreams that were broken and yes, you may have decided to close your eyes, but you have learned a lot from this whole experience I’m sure.

I hope all works out well for you.

 

[mrpathetic]

serap,
I am not trying to make her feel bad. The reason I ask is because I too married a very immature man and should have seen it coming… now I am separated…we can’t just complain about their behavior if they were that way before tying the knot.

What can I say. Let me reiterate what I have stated several times, in other forums, and other posts:

1. We are called as Christian spouses to be ministers to each other. If you are married to an immature person, then you are called to minister to an immature person.
2. Our marriages should reflect the relationship between Christ and his Church. This is the true lesson of Ephesians chapter 5.
3. Christ suffered and died for His Church. So we are all called to suffer for our spouses. If you want to see the reality of marriage, don’t read a Harlequin romance, or watch the Movie of the Week on the Lifetime network - instead, stare at a crucifix.

Marriage is suffering. Marriage is misery. Marriage is humiliation. Marriage is a series of countless unrewarded sacrifices, day in and day out. Once I accepted this fact, both my self-respect and confidence improved, as did my overall faith.

And if you are married to an immature person, that can seem like being married to a child.

Unfortunately, this is what you are called to do. Either except the calling of Holy Matrimony, or do not.

 

[whatevergirl]

What can I say. Let me reiterate what I have stated several times, in other forums, and other posts:

1. We are called as Christian spouses to be ministers to each other. If you are married to an immature person, then you are called to minister to an immature person.
2. Our marriages should reflect the relationship between Christ and his Church. This is the true lesson of Ephesians chapter 5.
3. Christ suffered and died for His Church. So we are all called to suffer for our spouses. If you want to see the reality of marriage, don’t read a Harlequin romance, or watch the Movie of the Week on the Lifetime network - instead, stare at a crucifix.

Marriage is suffering. Marriage is misery. Marriage is humiliation. Marriage is a series of countless unrewarded sacrifices, day in and day out. Once I accepted this fact, both my self-respect and confidence improved, as did my overall faith.

And if you are married to an immature person, that can seem like being married to a child.

Unfortunately, this is what you are called to do. Either except the calling of Holy Matrimony, or do not.

***mrp–I know your marriage has been difficult, but it’s wholly unfair to call marriage ‘misery.’ My marriage is NOT MISERY. My marriage HAS HAD suffering but IS NOT suffering. Please do not make a blanket statement that marriage as a vocation has no joy.
If a person stays in a marriage that is abusive, destructive, etc…I would imagine it would have more painful moments than not. But, you talk about marriage as if it is a terrible albatross that hangs around your neck…how tragic.

My marriage has had its ups and downs, but it is NOT misery. I feel badly that you define it as such.***