Reconcile mother's death

[Lovemyfaith]

My mother passed away yesterday, on the Feast of the Assumption. I and my DDs were with her when she passed. She had dementia and it has been (to say the least) a long and difficult past few years. Of seven surviving children, one sister and I dealt with the entire care for our mom (with our husbands and kids). Other family members, not five minutes away from her nursing home, wouldn’t so much as visit. One thing that is the hardest for me to bear is that I was unable to care for my mom in my home. There were many valid reasons, but again it will always bother me.
Now that I have planned mom’s funeral, one of my sisters has raised a huge fuss. She isn’t happy with the arrangements (I tried to stay true to my mom) and has taken to sending horrible, hurtful emails about the nursing home being a s-hole (you can guess the word she used) and how I should have had my mom with me to die with dignity in my home. After all I do not work outside the house. She has also attacked the service I arranged, claiming I am not welcoming her. Truth be told, I don’t want her there. She is a big trouble maker and has been very hurtful to me throughout this, but I would never say that to her. She never lifted a finger, criticized everything I did and pointed every finger in the book at me.
My instinct is to not reply to her emails and to just let her know when the service is. Should I try to reconcile any of this?

 

[KCT]

I don’t know, and with your mom’s death being so recent, it’s a sensitive time.

Maybe you can reiterate that you’re following your mom’s wishes. Don’t get sucked into anything more, don’t let her change the subject. You’re doing what your mom asked.

My condolences. It’s hard enough to lose a parent. Add sibling drama, and it makes it so much worse.

 

[MichaelHowling]

your family member is probably dealing with sense of guilt in her own way…ie lashing out at you the care giver. So just keep that in mind when dealing with her…she’s going through a process too (and although she may not have done her duty when mom was alive…please try to be as long as possible and maintain your Christian dignity as you did when working for mom alone…the practice is usually to stop when the one you were caring for dies…no…please keep your heart pure even now…).

That being said…please don’t kill yourself with trying to please others to such a degree that it makes things so much harder for you. You do the best you can. Because your other siblings help in this situation probably and some disorder (god bless YOU for stepping up to the plate and doing what you could do_)…the aftermath of all of this will also be disordered for everyone involved. So there will always probably be some resentment, some hidden issues and so forth.

That’s not your fault.

Open the door and permit some (name removed by moderator)ut and if they want certain things…INSIST on help!
And don’t loose sleep over things when Everyone isint happy…you are performing a service to your mother in her honor and you honoring God by honoring the dead and mourning to the best of your ability.

“Honor you father and Mother” ., keeping in mind that I’m sure that in honoring her , she would want you to Love your siblings as well…that’s a great way to honor her and “assist” in her mission as their mother.

I work in the hospital in an ICU setting and it’s most often the case that it always falls to one of the siblings to do EVERYTHING. God bless you! God bless you! …By what you were able to do…you touched Christ suffering! You were able in this visible world to give back to an invisible God who calls us all to be a part of His body.

I buried my only brother, my mom…and just last year I was the only one around to take care of my dad when he was dying. I know it’s tough…but I can also guarantee you that later down the road…you will have a sense of peace in doing the amount you were able to do for them.

Lastly, I don’t want you to beat yourself up because you could not take her home!.
I know how you feel!!! But dementia sometimes is sooo hard to work with in the home environment when you are attempting to keep your own immediate family grounded and healthy. Now, if your siblings were able to pitch in (you sound like you had several and MAY have been able to work something out IF you had the support from them…that’s not your fault however and should not make you feel guilty. AND don’t totally begrudge them…sometimes…the other siblings are just not “ready” or are really unable to handle the challenge…so please don’t judge …god found one of you and was able to at least work through with you…so be thankful for that. Working also in a nursing home, I can tell you that MANY eldery have NO ONE when the time comes! ) .

Getting back to not being able to have them home…when dementia or ANY sickness gets bad…you have to weigh what your family can handle (because you have an obligation before God there) and what your sick loved one requires and how much you can deliver vs a nursinghome/hospital can off. More often than not…when the case gets bad…the best and most MORAL option is to have them in a health facility for safety, sanitary, etc sake ALONG with your visits and love as much as you can.

So please don’t be hard on yourself. When mom gets to heaven …everything becomes clear and the ENTIRE picture is revealed. I’m sure she would be proud and thankful to you…and so will be God.

God bless

 

[agnes_therese]

My instinct is to not reply to her emails and to just let her know when the service is. Should I try to reconcile any of this?

I think your instinct is right. It might even be best not to read her emails, since they’re so upsetting.

 

[CradleJourney]

Yes, possibly - but not now. I believe your instinct is exactly right.

I am sorry for your loss. My father passed away just over a year ago so I understand how difficult (even if expected) this time is for you.

There were many family issues that arose between myself and my siblings during the time immediately before and following my father’s passing. The Holy Spirit gave me the strength to hold my tongue and strengthen my patience far beyond what I myself alone would have be capable of doing. She is upset and grieving as you are as well. There is time for reconciliation later.

May God grant you strength and peace.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not let others make you think you should have done more. You did the best you could for your mom, and now, you are following her wishes for her funeral arrangements. Just remember that funerals are a very emotional time for even the ones that acted badly all along. As someone mentioned earlier, they may try to get rid of their own feelings of guilt by throwing it all on you. Please don’t let it bother you. Funerals bring out the worst in some people.

Eternal rest grant unto her O, Lord
and let perpetual light shine upon her.
May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed,
through the mecy of God rest in peace.
Amen.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s definitely the guilt talking, I think. She’s realized that there’s no no opportunity to do the stuff she should have done for your mom, and now she’s taking it out on you.

Please talk to your pastor or a counselor if you find yourself feeling guilty about not having your mother in your home. You cared for your mother to the end, even if she didn’t live in your home. Nursing homes have multiple employees working in shifts to care for patients, as well as cooks and people to do laundry and people to do cleaning–it’s very unreasonable of your sister to expect that you, all by yourself, could replicate that for your mother 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for years, with no reduction in quality of care, and no impact on your mental or physical health.

“My instinct is to not reply to her emails and to just let her know when the service is.”

Your instincts are correct.

 

[Bonnie]

“My instinct is to not reply to her emails and to just let her know when the service is.”

Your instincts are correct.

I agree. Also what someone else said, keep saying you are carrying out your mother’s wishes.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I miss my mom, even the person she became with dementia. Even with her severe anxiety (and drug cocktails she was put on that made her go from frantic to completely out of it) I always saw little bits of the woman who raised me. She didn’t know my name and fought with me to take her to her mother, but she always had the same face and mannerisms. I know it sounds ridiculous but I always just thought somehow she would wake up one day and be better. I will always laugh that she forgot my name but never forgot what a chocolate milkshake was and requested that I bring one when I came to visit. I wish I could have just five more minutes with her. I know she is with my dad and older brother now, but I will never stop second guessing could I have done more, or what could I have done differently.
I guess that is why my sister’s emails are especially hurtful. We moved mom four times in two years to different homes. My sister (the one who helped, not the mean one) and I visited dozens and dozens of nursing homes and saw actual s-holes that we would never put my mom in. There were trips to emergency rooms after falls, illnesses, etc. Regular nursing home visits could be exhausting, and it was awful dealing with the financial end of nursing care (including the fun fact that one home never gave my mom’s insurance card to the pharmacy and we were billed for almost a year full price of her drugs), but I hoped it was so my mom’s life would be peaceful if not joyful.
To be second guessed at this time is just more than I can handle. Seems majority of advice is to ignore the emails, so that is what I will do.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

My instinct is to not reply to her emails and to just let her know when the service is. Should I try to reconcile any of this?

Follow your instinct. Don’t allow such drama. Now is not the time. There will be opportunity to address this in the future, when everyone comes to terms with her death and regains a bit of composure.

 

[severus68]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I miss my mom, even the person she became with dementia. Even with her severe anxiety (and drug cocktails she was put on that made her go from frantic to completely out of it) I always saw little bits of the woman who raised me. She didn’t know my name and fought with me to take her to her mother, but she always had the same face and mannerisms. I know it sounds ridiculous but I always just thought somehow she would wake up one day and be better. I will always laugh that she forgot my name but never forgot what a chocolate milkshake was and requested that I bring one when I came to visit. I wish I could have just five more minutes with her. I know she is with my dad and older brother now, but I will never stop second guessing could I have done more, or what could I have done differently.
I guess that is why my sister’s emails are especially hurtful. We moved mom four times in two years to different homes. My sister (the one who helped, not the mean one) and I visited dozens and dozens of nursing homes and saw actual s-holes that we would never put my mom in. There were trips to emergency rooms after falls, illnesses, etc. Regular nursing home visits could be exhausting, and it was awful dealing with the financial end of nursing care (including the fun fact that one home never gave my mom’s insurance card to the pharmacy and we were billed for almost a year full price of her drugs), but I hoped it was so my mom’s life would be peaceful if not joyful.
To be second guessed at this time is just more than I can handle. Seems majority of advice is to ignore the emails, so that is what I will do.

Deepest sympathies. I am sorry about what you are going through with that sister while mourning your mother. Perhaps your other sister (who was also there for your mum) could deal with your difficult sister? As someone else said, your sisters who were not there must have a lot of guilt feelings and those can come out as anger. You just need to give everyone the details of the service and burial/cremation and any home prayers. Please don’t second guess yourself.

God give you strength, comfort and bless you.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Deepest sympathies. I am sorry about what you are going through with that sister while mourning your mother. Perhaps your other sister (who was also there for your mum) could deal with your difficult sister? As someone else said, your sisters who were not there must have a lot of guilt feelings and those can come out as anger. You just need to give everyone the details of the service and burial/cremation and any home prayers. Please don’t second guess yourself.

God give you strength, comfort and bless you.

Thank you. Actually, the troublesome sister has been pretty hard on the helpful sister. Helpful sister is not well and troublesome includes her in the emails noting her “sickness” (yes she puts the word in quotes).
The last email from troublesome informed us “you know my husband is having open heart surgery in October right?” How would we know that? She doesn’t talk to us except to tell us what terrible people we are. Her husband does have mitral valve problems, so I believe her.
I will always always have guilt about my mom. From four years ago not knowing very small changes in her personality was due to dementia. From three years ago being frustrated that I couldn’t get anyone, other than one sickly sister, to figure out what to do, to the past two years of my mom deteriorating in nursing care. There just had to be something I could have done differently that I would not feel the guilt more than the grief.
I really feel bad enough. The last thing I need is a person who did nothing other than belittle my concerns and tell me she was unable to help with anything due to her job and living far away, telling me I should feel worse.

 

[Irishmom2]

So, first your sister wants to make you feel bad to ease her guilt, and now she wants to make you feel guilty for not knowing that her husband is having surgery…

She is just full of manipulations, isn’t she? I would really be careful about any interaction with her. And for right now, I would still not answer her e-mails with more than a passing glance. I would not be manipulated by her.

 

[Xantippe]

“I will always always have guilt about my mom. From four years ago not knowing very small changes in her personality was due to dementia. From three years ago being frustrated that I couldn’t get anyone, other than one sickly sister, to figure out what to do, to the past two years of my mom deteriorating in nursing care. There just had to be something I could have done differently that I would not feel the guilt more than the grief.”

You did the best job (or close to the best job) you could, given the information and the resources you had available. If you still feel this way in a few weeks or months, seek out your priest or professional help or a grief support group. Also, bear in mind that one of the problems with overdoing the guilt is that it will lead you to ignore your current responsibilities. Your ailing helpful sister, for instance, probably needs you a lot, and it sounds like she really deserves TLC. Take care of each other and don’t waste your emotional energy on the unhelpful sister.

I was thinking earlier that on top of guilt, your unhelpful sister may also be struggling with fears of her own aging and mortality, particularly because of her husband’s health problems.