Recovering from Pornography?

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emilybarrassed

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My husband had a 20 year history with pornography. It has been about 2 years since he stopped viewing it. He’s had absolutely no trouble kicking it. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to stop it’s continued damaging effects. We’ve read about how it changes the way the brain is wired and more. Every resource I find, seems to focus on how to quit. Does anyone know any resources for how to recover after one quits? We have been told about reclaimsexualhealth.com but it also seems to put a lot of emphasis on how to quit and stay off which isn’t something he needs. Additionally, it costs $250-$300 and the website doesn’t make it easy to see that or to see what you will actually be getting for the money. We already spend $500-$800 a month on Catholic counseling and I kind of resent having to pay a Catholic website on top of that. Are there any books that we can buy that you can recommend? Something with a more reasonable cost or even free resources? We can’t be the only one dealing with this. We already have several books on TOB but none of them address specifics on how to recover.
 
John Paul II ( we love you ) had two great master pieces: Love & Repect & Theology of the Body. I think study, practice, and more study is the best I can recommend.

I was pondering this question with my husband earlier tonight. See, my BFF cam across her Daddy’s pornography collection when we were about seven years old. I remember looking at them and kinda grossed out. I believe it had a more profound influence on her though. I remember later in college she suggested we try open pole night at strip club. I told her she was crazy, and I’d never go topless in public. She must have com to her senses because she never did. She was rather permiscuious, but settled down with a man at the age of 24. They lived together ten years when they finally got married. Her husband also enjoys the nude magazine’s and had them openly about their house until they had a littl girl. I even remember her counciling a friend about how it wasn’t a big deal that her husband had a Pono video. So, I guess is there recovery for her … And how did this ecounter influence me??? Recovery with this issue is vast and is needed for many types of people.
 
emilybarrassed said:
My husband had a 20 year history with pornography. It has been about 2 years since he stopped viewing it. He’s had absolutely no trouble kicking it. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to stop it’s continued damaging effects. .
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I am guessing that the main after effects are spiritual and physical. Has he talked with a MD, Psychiatrist, or a Neurologist? There might be meds that would help. There are so many cruel weapons that our adversary has out there for us, capable of such horrendous damage.

Just some suggestions: Both of you try the Rosary, Adoration, St. Michael. There is also the Angelic Warfare group, supported by the Vatican. angelicwarfareconfraternity.org/about/

You guys can do this.
-E
 
Your husband should check out SA (Sexaholics Anonymous).
Similar to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), it focuses on RECOVERY from compulsive sexual behaviors. It is free. Meetings can be found in most communities or on-line. And it is FREE.
Go to www.sa.org for more information.
 
emilybarrassed said:
My husband had a 20 year history with pornography. It has been about 2 years since he stopped viewing it. He’s had absolutely no trouble kicking it. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to stop it’s continued damaging effects. We’ve read about how it changes the way the brain is wired and more.
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I think, in order for anyone here to offer any thoughts or suggestions, it would be pertinent to be a little more specific. What are the particular effects he’s dealing with if he has no problem staying away from it?

As for the brain chemistry, it is my understanding that after 6 mos.-1 year, the brain naturally returns to its normal state. Cognitive behavior therapy may also be helpful. The Reclaim program you mentioned, as well, is a Catholic offshoot of “Candeo”, which is a highly acclaimed porn/masturbation recovery program which is designed to help addicts “retrain” and “rewire” their brains and get rid of unhealthy neurological habits.

Prayer and spiritual counseling are definitely in order. Your husband should find a good priest to talk to.

Without further detail, I can only assume the continuing effects of his addiction, if it is not the temptation to return to it, are his feelings of guilt and shame and the hurt both of you probably feel. Again, I would advise a lot of prayer on both of your parts, preferably together, as well as openness, forgiveness and support. Saying a rosary for healing together every day would probably be a good idea.
 
emilybarrassed said:
My husband had a 20 year history with pornography. It has been about 2 years since he stopped viewing it. He’s had absolutely no trouble kicking it. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to stop it’s continued damaging effects. We’ve read about how it changes the way the brain is wired and more. Every resource I find, seems to focus on how to quit. Does anyone know any resources for how to recover after one quits? We have been told about reclaimsexualhealth.com but it also seems to put a lot of emphasis on how to quit and stay off which isn’t something he needs. Additionally, it costs $250-$300 and the website doesn’t make it easy to see that or to see what you will actually be getting for the money. We already spend $500-$800 a month on Catholic counseling and I kind of resent having to pay a Catholic website on top of that. Are there any books that we can buy that you can recommend? Something with a more reasonable cost or even free resources? We can’t be the only one dealing with this. We already have several books on TOB but none of them address specifics on how to recover.
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The suggestions already given seem very good. I would also recommend your husband join the anonymous support group here at CAF titled, “Impurity Addiction Support Group.” It has many, many members, and I have a feeling at least some of them may have some good suggestions which could be helpful to your husband. It also might help to pray for St. Joseph’s, St. Michael’s, and St. Monica’s intercession and assistance. The Saints are all there for us when we need their help! Peace and God’s love to both of you.
 
Having turned away from pornography and masturbation after three years when I was fourteen, I can tell you there’s not really anything you can do but pray and stay clean. Your brain will rewire itself back to what it’s supposed to be. Unless he has a real textbook sex addiction (Being literally unable to control himself, which is incredibly rare), my advice would be to pray, frequent the sacraments, go to adoration, and keep conversation open about this and every other aspect of your lives so he doesn’t start doing it again in secret. If it is a real sex addiction, rehabilitation is the route to go. I never had much of a problem right after I quit, so the fact he’s still struggling a lot means he either thinks about it entirely too much and therefore has it fresh on his mind, or he has a very serious sex addiction and requires professional help.
 
One way to “rewire” the brain is by replacing bad habits with good habits. Just quitting the pornography can leave a void, and for a time, the memories remain. The mindset that goes along with porn is destructive indeed, and so one must actively seek to replace that old way of thinking. As mentioned above, counseling, therapy, Reclaim/Candeo (all of which can be expensive yes, but possibly worth the cost) or 12-step and recovery groups can all help. Perhaps a Catholic men’s prayer group is available to join in your area, for fostering fellowship and positive connections, anything which emphasizes the good.
 
Thank you all for the suggestions! This is very helpful. To answer the question of what effects, it’s hard to say without separating the effects of his childhood. However, the main issues we are dealing with is his feelings of shame, feeling that sexuality is dark and dirty, something to be hidden and not knowing how to have a consistent and healthy sexual relationship with a real woman, me.

But considering the fact that everything we read says that porn has terrible effects on the brain, we are assuming that he is still experiencing the effects of that. I have never heard that your brain goes back to normal after 6 months to a year. I am suspect of that. Is there research that shows this?
 
Also, we both pray the rosary. He was seeing our Priest regularly for a period of about 6 months, usually once a week but our Priest is just too busy to keep that up indefinitely. He was also in counseling with a Nun but insurance for that ran out. Now we do a phone counseling with a Catholic counselor and pay out of pocket. He’s been very helpful but our sessions focus on his childhood issues (which are related) and we haven’t had much time to focus on the effects of pornography specifically or how to develop normal sexuality. The pornography is more of a symptom, not the actual problem, although it became a problem of it’s own. Adoration isn’t really an option around here. It’s rarely available. We have been twice, ever. There may be a Catholic mens group starting up but nothing yet.
 
emilybarrassed said:
Thank you all for the suggestions! This is very helpful. To answer the question of what effects, it’s hard to say without separating the effects of his childhood. However, the main issues we are dealing with is his feelings of shame, feeling that sexuality is dark and dirty, something to be hidden and not knowing how to have a consistent and healthy sexual relationship with a real woman, me.

But considering the fact that everything we read says that porn has terrible effects on the brain, we are assuming that he is still experiencing the effects of that. I have never heard that your brain goes back to normal after 6 months to a year. I am suspect of that. Is there research that shows this?
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Thinking that sexuality is dark and dirty is not generally something you get from watching pornography. Pornography normalizes sex for you, not make you think it’s dark and dirty. This sounds like something from his childhood to me. Did his parents or someone influential to him as a child teach him this nonsense? If so, this has nothing to do with pornography and all to do with upbringing. He needs to read Theology of the Body and take some classes on the theology of sex. It won’t work immediately, but the more he knows, the more it will change his feelings about sex.
 
A very wise man once told me this:

“The Jews may have gotten out of Egypt, but Egypt did not get out of the Jews.”

The images are going to linger. Period. Have blessed icons in every room in the house. Keep icons as wallpaper. Get a prayer rope and learn the Jesus Prayer.
 
When a man sees an image of a naked woman, that image is pretty much forever implanted in his mind. It goes away mostly, but sometimes I briefly see images of pornography I saw five years ago! The male mind is meant to remember the image of his bride, and unfortunately in these times that has become more of a cross than the gift it is meant to be. Jason Evert said a great way to combat this is not to think “Stop thinking about that, stop thinking about that!” because that simply keeps it fresh in your mind. Rather, to combat it properly, use it as a tool of prayer. When an image comes into his mind, tell him to pray a Hail Mary for that girl. It certainly worked with me, as I almost never get those images anymore.
 
ATeutonicKnight said:
Thinking that sexuality is dark and dirty is not generally something you get from watching pornography. Pornography normalizes sex for you, not make you think it’s dark and dirty. This sounds like something from his childhood to me. Did his parents or someone influential to him as a child teach him this nonsense? If so, this has nothing to do with pornography and all to do with upbringing. He needs to read Theology of the Body and take some classes on the theology of sex. It won’t work immediately, but the more he knows, the more it will change his feelings about sex.
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I don’t think pornography normalizes sex…at all. Yes, his issues can’t be separated from his childhood issues but pornography definitely reinforces the idea that sex is dark and dirty as evidenced by the fact that pretty much everyone who does it, hides it. The first time he was exposed to porn, it was with some other kids in the woods behind his church. It was kept hidden there. Then he walked in on his dad watching pornography as a teen and his dad quickly changed the channel and not a word was said. When he began seeking it out himself, he hid it as well.

We’ve been studying TOB regularly for the last 2 years. Unless there are classes online somewhere, we don’t have access to classes on the subject.
 
kmaaj said:
A very wise man once told me this:

“The Jews may have gotten out of Egypt, but Egypt did not get out of the Jews.”

The images are going to linger. Period. Have blessed icons in every room in the house. Keep icons as wallpaper. Get a prayer rope and learn the Jesus Prayer.
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Yes! When he truly accepted the truth about pornography 2 years ago, the first thing he did was go to confession and the second thing was filling the house with crucifixes, pictures of the Holy Family, etc. We have something in every room except the bathrooms. He felt called to do that and he also has worn a crucifix daily since then. I don’t know what a prayer rope is.
 
emilybarrassed said:
I don’t think pornography normalizes sex…at all. Yes, his issues can’t be separated from his childhood issues but pornography definitely reinforces the idea that sex is dark and dirty as evidenced by the fact that pretty much everyone who does it, hides it. The first time he was exposed to porn, it was with some other kids in the woods behind his church. It was kept hidden there. Then he walked in on his dad watching pornography as a teen and his dad quickly changed the channel and not a word was said. When he began seeking it out himself, he hid it as well.

We’ve been studying TOB regularly for the last 2 years. Unless there are classes online somewhere, we don’t have access to classes on the subject.
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I didn’t mean “normalizes sex” as in makes you less ashamed of what you are doing. Men (And women) are naturally ashamed of watching pornography, and will hide that they watch it at all costs. I meant to say that sex becomes an everyday thing for you, like brushing your teeth and changing your clothes. When you first watch it and have never experienced sex in any way, it’s eye-opening and exciting. But eventually, you become used to it, and it’s no longer a big deal – in other words, it has become “normalized” for you. That is what I meant, not that you become less ashamed of it, but that you get used to it and it’s no longer a big deal for you. There is a reason why men who look at pornography have a much more difficult time getting sexually excited than men who do not.
 
ATeutonicKnight said:
I didn’t mean “normalizes sex” as in makes you less ashamed of what you are doing. Men (And women) are naturally ashamed of watching pornography, and will hide that they watch it at all costs. I meant to say that sex becomes an everyday thing for you, like brushing your teeth and changing your clothes. When you first watch it and have never experienced sex in any way, it’s eye-opening and exciting. But eventually, you become used to it, and it’s no longer a big deal – in other words, it has become “normalized” for you. That is what I meant, not that you become less ashamed of it, but that you get used to it and it’s no longer a big deal for you. There is a reason why men who look at pornography have a much more difficult time getting sexually excited than men who do not.
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It was never everyday for him. He would go long bouts without doing it and then maybe do it for a few days then long dry spells again because of the shame. It never really became less of a big deal to him in that he always struggled with the idea of it. Also, an important distinction is that it was masturbation, not sex. Masturbation may have become somewhat normal to him, sex did not. And the pornography was never normal healthy married people having sex…it was definitely more dark and dirty. How does that translate to the marriage bed, you know? Not very well!
 
My hb was also addicted (literally) for many years, so I understand what you are talking about. After he truly stopped, we saw a sex therapist together. Actually we saw two of them together (they do couples together). There are therapists who specialize in this topic. I think it’s important to see someone who knows what they are talking about and has dealt with this. Just because one stops viewing pornography doesn’t mean all the issues go away. It is not cheap, perhaps your insurance would cover it? The issue is much more prevalent now than it was when we went through it and I think a lot of therapists now have training in this area. For us, we spent thousands of dollars on therapy because I insisted that we get qualified help.

It can take many years for one to be fully recovered, and then the spouse also has things to deal with. Then you have to start figuring out how to be healthy together. That is what the therapy can help with. The reading and praying you are doing together will help. I had to do a lot of reading myself (TOB) and viewed some of the catholic videos designed for young people in order to straighten out my own thinking about sex.
 
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