Recovering Porn Addicts, Please Help

[PumpkinPies37]

Would someone please explain to me why my husband waited 4 years to confess his pornography addiction to me, even though he KNEW that I was suffering from the effects of it? To the point of deep depression?

Can someone please explain to me why his priests and counselors did not direct him to reveal his 25 year addiction to me so we could BOTH start healing?

Can someone please explain to me why, even after he told me the truth, he still withheld vital information and pretended that he had everything under control? He doesn’t, by the way, have everything under control.

And lastly, can someone please help me find some hope in this situation? He says he wants to stop. He says he’s been trying to stop. And yes, now that I’ve had a total mental breakdown he’s agreed to SA, more counseling and accountability software.

It’s the withholding information from me that’s just crushed me. Life could have been better if I had just known what we were up against. I have struggled SO MUCH.

Help please. Support please. Please, please.

 

[James1990]

I’m so sorry to hear this. I cannot offer much in way of advice but I’ll pray for you! Hope someone can share with you their experience.

 

[Michael57]

Sounds like he was in denial of his sin problem. I do not know the value of SA, but I do know the value of prayer, confession, and the grace of God to intercede.

A contrite heart and earnest prayer to God for relief can work miraculously.

I will pray for you both.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Would someone please explain to me why my husband waited 4 years to confess his pornography addiction to me, even though he KNEW that I was suffering from the effects of it? To the point of deep depression?

Embarrassment, shame, not believing what he was doing was anything wrong, thinking you were the one with the problem and not him. Pornography use has become deeply entrenched as something of a societal norm, now, and people who are opposed to it are viewed as the ones having an issue. Regardless of any evidence to the contrary, many will tell you that there’s no such as porn addiction and that any claims of harmful effects from porn are falsehoods.

Can someone please explain to me why his priests and counselors did not direct him to reveal his 25 year addiction to me so we could BOTH start healing?

He could have told his priest that telling you would cause you too much pain so they never suggested it as a penance. On the other hand, they all could have told him numerous times that he should tell you and he simply chose not to.

Can someone please explain to me why, even after he told me the truth, he still withheld vital information and pretended that he had everything under control? He doesn’t, by the way, have everything under control.

Again, embarrassment and shame, thinking it’s not as big a problem as you do, or that you’re disapproval of it is a bigger problem than his porn use.

And lastly, can someone please help me find some hope in this situation? He says he wants to stop. He says he’s been trying to stop. And yes, now that I’ve had a total mental breakdown he’s agreed to SA, more counseling and accountability software.

It’s the withholding information from me that’s just crushed me. Life could have been better if I had just known what we were up against. I have struggled SO MUCH.

Help please. Support please. Please, please.

People can and do overcome this. They need to truly want to break the habit, but it’s not a hopeless situation. I’ve read several accounts where a major and/or traumatic experience helped kick start/renew a person’s path to recovery. It could be that the pain you’ve gone through could give him the impetus to truly break his addiction. Just remember that you are not the problem. Men don’t get addicted to porn because of some shortcoming on their wife’s part. It’s a horrible, sick addiction. One positive thing is that more people are taking it seriously and it’s starting to get some serious, mainstream press (not so much in the US as overseas, but it’s a start). Keep praying and know that others are out there struggling and praying right along with you.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

Learning of your husband’s problem/addiction is traumatizing---- you need as much help and support as your husband.

Hopefully, besides attending SA he is connected with a therapist who specializes in treating sexual addiction ( a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist or CSAT for short). Here is a website to locate one in your area: iitap.com

A CSAT therapist is also trained to help partners/ spouses deal with their trauma, anger, and sense if betrayal. And yes there are free support groups for you too similar to SA.

I wholly agree in treating body, mind, and spirit simultaneously----- so a good prayer life, frequent use of the sacraments, and professional support are essential in overcoming any addiction.

God bless you.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Hi there!

Don’t be afraid. Your husband is powerless in the face of this addiction, but God is not.

There are a number of reasons he hid it from you: (1) He is terribly ashamed of it, and thinks no one who knows about it could possibly love him, (2) He didn’t want to stop, and your knowledge is an obstacle to his addiction, (3) He didn’t want to hurt you.

#3 is definitely operative here. It is an act of faith for a porn addict to believe that his (hidden) actions have real effects on his wife. But sin strips us of faith. So we think, “Here is a problem that cannot be solved. Why would I tell my wife about it, when it will personally hurt her to know, and we can’t solve this?”

Of course, it can be solved. But you need to be ready to live a life of recovery. Every computer in the house needs to be locked down by accountability software. I would recommend against owning IPads or smartphones – although there are suggestions I can make to protect these, if you have them.

Most of all, you both need to press into God. Your husband will fall again. The question is, will he stand up? Is he ready to be the leader of your family, to be the spiritual head, to offer his body as a living sacrifice?

One suggestion: he is really giving something up here. You might say, “he’s just giving up sin”, so he shouldn’t have to grieve it. But he does have to grieve it. There is an addictive and spellbinding quality to porn that makes it easy to turn to, when a man is experiencing emotional pain. (It’s not about you: he could be married to Kate Upton, and porn would still be a problem for him). It is HARD to give up the spell of pornography. Acknowledge that he has to grieve. Honor him for making a real sacrifice.

And be encouraged! God is working in your marriage!

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Why you ask .? Why has your husband done all these things ?
There are a number of reasons, one of course is just plain sexual gratification,
Because he is embarrassed to tell you what he would like the both of you to do.
It’s not all about just doing it, it’s about touching, just holding each other in an embrace ,
Like just after a shower, arms around one another, to feel someone you love against you in an embrace , plus,without being offensive towards you, but women are just not interested in much at all… There more interested in what going on around them,not so much as to what’s happening within them , hope you understand this,
I could give perhaps ideas, but on a main screen forum it would be inappropriate …

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Because he is embarrassed to tell you what he would like the both of you to do.
It’s not all about just doing it, it’s about touching, just holding each other in an embrace ,
Like just after a shower, arms around one another, to feel someone you love against you in an embrace , plus,without being offensive towards you, but women are just not interested in much at all… There more interested in what going on around them,not so much as to what’s happening within them , hope you understand this,
I could give perhaps ideas, but on a main screen forum it would be inappropriate …

You have got to be kidding, Phil. This is NOT about her. Men do not turn to porn because their wives are unadventurous in bed. You’ve got to be kidding.

By all means, married couples should love each other using their imaginations and their creativity. But it is **totally **out of line to blame the woman on this, as if men are not responsible for their own actions.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Would someone please explain to me why my husband waited 4 years to confess his pornography addiction to me, even though he KNEW that I was suffering from the effects of it? To the point of deep depression?

As someone else noted, embarrassment and shame.

Can someone please explain to me why his priests and counselors did not direct him to reveal his 25 year addiction to me so we could BOTH start healing?

In some cases it is best not to reveal this, because of the damage it can cause to the relationship.

Can someone please explain to me why, even after he told me the truth, he still withheld vital information and pretended that he had everything under control? He doesn’t, by the way, have everything under control.

He’s an addict and doesn’t know how to solve his situation.

And lastly, can someone please help me find some hope in this situation? He says he wants to stop. He says he’s been trying to stop. And yes, now that I’ve had a total mental breakdown he’s agreed to SA, more counseling and accountability software.

It’s the withholding information from me that’s just crushed me. Life could have been better if I had just known what we were up against. I have struggled SO MUCH.

Help please. Support please. Please, please.

If he wishes to overcome this problem, he needs help and support. Part of overcoming that addiction is support from YOU. Yes, he has harmed you, and you have a right to be angry. However, you have to understand he is an addict and needs help. You have to find that balance between not tolerating this habit and being supportive at the same time. The worst thing that can be done is not be supportive (yelling and screaming all the time, etc.), as the marriage would likely be destined for failure.

Best of luck.

 

[Rete]

He needs you to help him stop. I don’t know how you do that, but somehow you have to get in there and make sure this garbage is stamped out of his life. Marriage counseling might be useful. Praying helps. I know of men who prayed for help and were granted the grace to stop right away.

But since you are married, you guys are really the same flesh now. You have to get involved personally in this, which is going to be painful.

I am very sorry you have to endure this. It’s shameful and hurtful, but I doubt your husband really wants to continue. After years of exposure to it, it becomes like a drug where the experience floods his brain with endorphins, etc. I think you should look at it more like a drug abuse problem than a problem of fidelity.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

You have got to be kidding, Phil. This is NOT about her. Men do not turn to porn because their wives are unadventurous in bed. You’ve got to be kidding.

By all means, married couples should love each other using their imaginations and their creativity. But it is **totally **out of line to blame the woman on this, as if men are not responsible for their own actions.

Thank you. Phil really creeped me out.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

He needs you to help him stop. I don’t know how you do that, but somehow you have to get in there and make sure this garbage is stamped out of his life. Marriage counseling might be useful. Praying helps. I know of men who prayed for help and were granted the grace to stop right away.

But since you are married, you guys are really the same flesh now. You have to get involved personally in this, which is going to be painful.

I am very sorry you have to endure this. It’s shameful and hurtful, but I doubt your husband really wants to continue. After years of exposure to it, it becomes like a drug where the experience floods his brain with endorphins, etc. I think you should look at it more like a drug abuse problem than a problem of fidelity.

Thank you. You are right. Marriage counseling starts next week and individual counseling, too. I am looking at it like a drug abuse problem. And yes, I must be involved whether I like it or not. My conscience cannot let me do otherwise. And btw, I have forgiven him. I’m just trying to understand why this has been such a long and painful journey. Many of you have really helped me already. Now I know how to better approach this with compassion. Thank you.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

He’s an addict and doesn’t know how to solve his situation.

If he wishes to overcome this problem, he needs help and support. Part of overcoming that addiction is support from YOU. Yes, he has harmed you, and you have a right to be angry. However, you have to understand he is an addict and needs help. You have to find that balance between not tolerating this habit and being supportive at the same time. The worst thing that can be done is not be supportive (yelling and screaming all the time, etc.), as the marriage would likely be destined for failure.

Best of luck.

Yes, I believe you are right. I do want to support him. This has just been so confusing for me. I can see why so many women turn a blind eye to it. It truly is like facing a giant monster. And it’s totally out of our control. My conscience will not let me tolerate it, however. I like how you say “balance”. That makes sense to me. Thank you.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

Hi there!

Don’t be afraid. Your husband is powerless in the face of this addiction, but God is not.

There are a number of reasons he hid it from you: (1) He is terribly ashamed of it, and thinks no one who knows about it could possibly love him, (2) He didn’t want to stop, and your knowledge is an obstacle to his addiction, (3) He didn’t want to hurt you.

#3 is definitely operative here. It is an act of faith for a porn addict to believe that his (hidden) actions have real effects on his wife. But sin strips us of faith. So we think, “Here is a problem that cannot be solved. Why would I tell my wife about it, when it will personally hurt her to know, and we can’t solve this?”

Of course, it can be solved. But you need to be ready to live a life of recovery. Every computer in the house needs to be locked down by accountability software. I would recommend against owning IPads or smartphones – although there are suggestions I can make to protect these, if you have them.

Most of all, you both need to press into God. Your husband will fall again. The question is, will he stand up? Is he ready to be the leader of your family, to be the spiritual head, to offer his body as a living sacrifice?

One suggestion: he is really giving something up here. You might say, “he’s just giving up sin”, so he shouldn’t have to grieve it. But he does have to grieve it. There is an addictive and spellbinding quality to porn that makes it easy to turn to, when a man is experiencing emotional pain. (It’s not about you: he could be married to Kate Upton, and porn would still be a problem for him). It is HARD to give up the spell of pornography. Acknowledge that he has to grieve. Honor him for making a real sacrifice.

And be encouraged! God is working in your marriage!

You are right. Spot on. About everything. I didn’t think about this grieving process. That never occurred to me at all. Thanks for your insight on that (and everything). It makes perfect sense.

What about covenant eyes for smart phones and tablets?

Again, thank you. Very helpful.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

Learning of your husband’s problem/addiction is traumatizing---- you need as much help and support as your husband.

Hopefully, besides attending SA he is connected with a therapist who specializes in treating sexual addiction ( a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist or CSAT for short). Here is a website to locate one in your area: iitap.com

A CSAT therapist is also trained to help partners/ spouses deal with their trauma, anger, and sense if betrayal. And yes there are free support groups for you too similar to SA.

I wholly agree in treating body, mind, and spirit simultaneously----- so a good prayer life, frequent use of the sacraments, and professional support are essential in overcoming any addiction.

God bless you.

Thank you. I, too, believe that there has to be a mind/body/spirit approach to healing. For both of us. And yes, both our therapists must be knowledgeable of this subject.

Thank you for the link. I will share that with him.

And thank you for acknowledging my trauma too. It is significant.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

People can and do overcome this. They need to truly want to break the habit, but it’s not a hopeless situation. I’ve read several accounts where a major and/or traumatic experience helped kick start/renew a person’s path to recovery. It could be that the pain you’ve gone through could give him the impetus to truly break his addiction. Just remember that you are not the problem. Men don’t get addicted to porn because of some shortcoming on their wife’s part. It’s a horrible, sick addiction. One positive thing is that more people are taking it seriously and it’s starting to get some serious, mainstream press (not so much in the US as overseas, but it’s a start). Keep praying and know that others are out there struggling and praying right along with you.

Thank you so much. This is very helpful. I know that his problem has nothing to do with me but it is nice to see your words. And other wives NEED to see more of these words. It is a relief to have that validation. I don’t take it as a personal slight on me. However, that does not mean that I think it’s okay. I do loathe it in a deep spiritual way.

I, too, am encouraged at the science coming out about what, exactly, it does to a person’s brain.

And yes, since I’VE hit rock bottom, so has he. This week I was so depressed that I had to go get urgent psychological care, and what do you know - but he’s suddenly swallowed his pride and has now thrown himself into real, serious therapy. I don’t mind being the sacrificial lamb, if it’s for the sake of my husband’s soul, but oh my goodness - I feel like raw hamburger meat. Only God can put me back together again.

Thank you so much for your words. I really do feel better. I just wanted to understand.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

You are right. Spot on. About everything. I didn’t think about this grieving process. That never occurred to me at all. Thanks for your insight on that (and everything). It makes perfect sense.

Well, be encouraged that there is hope. I’ve been where your husband is at, and I am so much freer now, and my marriage is healing beautifully.

Where there is sin, yet there is grace. May grace abound in your marriage. Amen.

What about covenant eyes for smart phones and tablets?

Private message sent.

 

[on_the_hill]

I, too, am encouraged at the science coming out about what, exactly, it does to a person’s brain.

Yes. It affects the chemistry of the brain, rewires the responses, hormones, etc. It’s an addictive dopamine rush.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Thank you. Phil really creeped me out.

This is what I was afraid of, I never said it was the fault of the wife,

 

[PumpkinPies37]

This is what I was afraid of, I never said it was the fault of the wife,

Not outright, but you crossed the line nonetheless. Don’t assume to know anything about our life. My question was about his addiction. We are talking about AN ADDICTION, not mine and his intimacy. Go away now or will report you.