Recovering Porn Addicts, Please Help

[Prodigal_Son]

Prodigal Son–

I’m not going to address the issue of no husband being able to love a wife without God living in him…we are not totally depraved. Mankind can love, men can love their wives–not perfectly, not as Christ commands, but men can love their wives enough not to hurt them deliberately.

But not Scriptural? Really?

Adam’s disobediedence got us to the fall.

Cain killed Abel and was sent away with a mark.

Evil grew and a flood came…8 people made it out in a boat.

The one recorded instance of birth control caused a man’s death.

The one recorded haircut (against a vow) caused a man to lose all his strength, his eyes to be put out, and his imprisonment.

Moses didn’t live to see Canaan because he lost his temper and hit a rock instead of speaking to it.

David killed Uriah, but not before he’d knocked up Uriah’s wife. The resulting baby died as a punishment (I’m not makin this stuff up–the prophet Nathan said so, and frankly, I could go on all day and into tomorrow.)

But that’s OT, you might say.

Simon the Sorceror/Simon Magus sought to buy the gift of the Holy Spirit and the right to impart it by laying on of hands. Ended up publicly blasted, almost cursed, by St Peter. Died in Rome, though, if memory serves, after specifically asking St Peter to intercede for him before the Lord, that the things he had spoken over him would not happen. (Acts 8, probably after verse 10 or so)

Ananias and Sapphira lied about the amount of money they got for property they sold, in an effort to keep some for themselves. Struck dead for lying to the Holy Spirit.

What about the scriptures about sowing and reaping? I’d think those have more place here, if this kind of conversation has place. You can take a nail out of a board (repent of an act that harms another) but the hole is still in the board (the effects are still there). That is not only Scriptual, as I believe I’ve shown, but plain common sense.

I am not saying that God can’t/won’t redeem the suffering, use the effects of evil for good.
I am not saying that Pumpkin’s husband may not become the most wonderful husband ever. I am not saying that he will necessarily ever look at porn again.

Certainly, where sin abounds, grace must abound that much more…but these Scriptures say nothing about the temporal effects of sin being abrogated, or somehow being good. The first passage is the fall of Adam and the Righteousness of Christ and baptismal death; the second passage is actually a favorite of mine, too, when I’m feeling the weight of my past sin, but it has no context here, except maybe, for Pumpkin’s husband.

Grace to you.
T

You give me examples of unrepentant sinners being chastised. That is not what we’re talking about.

I did not say that temporal effects of sin were abrogated or good. I said that sinners are redeemed.

 

[Tablefor9]

You give me examples of unrepentant sinners being chastised. That is not what we’re talking about.

I did not say that temporal effects of sin were abrogated or good. I said that sinners are redeemed.

Unrepentant? Some. And some repented bitterly (Moses, David, and possibly Simon).

Christian people–Catholics and others–people are sinners who are redeemed by the grace of a loving, merciful God. Suffering can also be offered up and redeemed, and bear fruit in other ways as well. I never for a moment meant to say otherwise.

If I have made anyone on this thread feel demeaned or beyond the reach of God’s grace, that was never my intent, and if I have please know I am genuinely sorry.

My intent is to give hope and understanding to women who are broken by their spouse’s bondage to pornography. Though it makes none of us happy, trust does not get rebuilt in a day of weeping regret, a weekend marriage retreat, a month of SA sessions, a year of staying pure. Respect once unraveled, is just as difficult to reknit. And wives should be told that this is coming. They should never be made to feel that they are in sin, or somehow wrong or “can’t let it go”, or are to blame because their hearts still carry the marks of their husband’s sin.

T

 

[LROH]

From the 29 year wife to a porn/personal gratification use hubby.

“Would someone please explain to me why my husband waited 4 years to confess his pornography addiction to me, even though he KNEW that I was suffering from the effects of it? To the point of deep depression?”

He had a vested interest in keeping it from you. Doesn’t believe his private activities are truly related to your depression and further justifies his use with the fact that you aren’t perfect.

“Can someone please explain to me why his priests and counselors did not direct him to reveal his 25 year addiction to me so we could BOTH start healing?”

Counselors and priests are quite often bound by confidentiality. He didn’t know that our priest offered to start the annulment process in 1994, I told priest…you don’t understand, I want to know how to stay married despite this issue. (God rest his soul, the priest DID understand…much better than I)

“Can someone please explain to me why, even after he told me the truth, he still withheld vital information and pretended that he had everything under control? He doesn’t, by the way, have everything under control.”

There’s your key word…CONTROL…the use of porn often starts as a way to cope with uncomfortable emotions. Aka control or suppress what is uncomfortable…when confronted they will deny, justify, deflect, and blame you for their behavior not recognizing that the process of …deny, justify, deflect and blame IS THE PROBLEM…that’s what the priest knew and I didn’t…he knew this problem wasn’t just porn…it was someone unwilling to learn healthy ways to cope with conflict.

“And lastly, can someone please help me find some hope in this situation? He says he wants to stop. He says he’s been trying to stop. And yes, now that I’ve had a total mental breakdown he’s agreed to SA, more counseling and accountability software”

I’m heartened that he is trying SA, I hope he goes for himself and not to make you happy…after three years of making me happy mine stopped going to meetings as he was all better…not looking at porn…the inability to cope with conflict continued…stress counseling for me…anger management for him.

“It’s the withholding information from me that’s just crushed me. Life could have been better if I had just known what we were up against. I have struggled SO MUCH.”

The loss of intimacy isn’t a physical issue, it is emotional. Physical expression is just one component of intimacy inside and outside the bedroom…keeping such a big part of himself from you caused a big gap, you would have helped him…shoulda woulda coulda. It hurts to not know why he isn’t available, hurts to know there’s a name for the long time secret…now it’s real and you are not alone in your struggle.

“Help please. Support please. Please, please.”

Having dealt with this to my own detriment and seeing that you’ve already had a breakdown related to dealing with these issues…its impossible to for you to fix his problem…let him work on him…focus on you.

No matter how much you learn about his problem…beyond opening the door to communication and keeping your own walls down…you can’t make him walk through the open door. Along the way you’ve dealt with this too…he sees your walls in addition to his own walls and fears of making the personal intimate connection you miss and he says he wants. Good luck and God Bless you on the journey ahead.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

LROH… You gave a great answer… It’s a pity I myself cant make good points like yourself… I also like Answer #27 where there is an admission of a Firey Temper,Which I thought was the case in the opening Thread…
Good Luck to all.

 

[LROH]

LROH… You gave a great answer… It’s a pity I myself cant make good points like yourself… I also like Answer #27 where there is an admission of a Firey Temper,Which I thought was the case in the opening Thread…

  Good Luck to all.

Thank you Phil, this isn’t easy for either spouse. It has been a long journey that we both perpetuated…if sharing our experience can help another couple I’m grateful.

Seeking answers in the Church has also been challenging, well meaning but misguided advice with respect to conjugal duty and sin has been frustrating for both of us.