Refusing to forgive/holding a grudge

[Veronica97]

I have an examination of conscience that says that refusal to forgive someone when they have asked for forgiveness is a mortal sin. I have another examination of conscience that says hating someone or willfully injuring or trying to hurt another person is a mortal sin, but holding a grudge against someone is a venial sin. Okay,let’s say you’ve had an argument with someone about a subject that you are in disagreement about, and you made an uncharitable comment, but it probably doesn’t rise to the level of mortal sin. You are angry and hurt, and withdraw to another room to stew. The other person eventually comes into the room and makes a gesture of kindness, and you basically say, “Leave me alone.” You know you shouldn’t let the sun go down on your anger., but you don’t want to let go of it. The next day you begin to let go of the grudge and finally do let it go. In Matthew, the servant who was forgiven much turns around and refuses to forgive HIS servant who owes him a small amount, and this results in eternal punishment. I refused to forgive someone who had made a nice gesture, even though the person didn’t actually say, “I’m sorry.” But I did eventually forgive, and I never hated the person or wished him/her serious harm. I was hurt and made a hurtful comment (that I don’t feel rose to the level of mortal sin), and I withdrew to pout in the hopes that the person would change his/her point of view. Not very mature on my part, I know. I didn’t feel a burning need to go to Confession as I sometimes do, so I had at least some doubt that I had committed mortal sin. Because I did have some doubt and because I had let go of my anger, I went to Communion today, even though I debated in my mind while I was in the pew. The whole thing has been bothering me this evening. I’m looking for some clarification on the two different examinations of conscience that I have. When does lack of forgiveness or holding a grudge rise to the level of mortal sin? At this point, I’m not even sure when I read the examination of consciences…before or after I went to bed angry.

 

[underacloud]

Because I did have some doubt and because I had let go of my anger, I went to Communion today, even though I debated in my mind while I was in the pew.

Good girl! You know that your confessor would have wanted you to receive. This is another important step in the right direction.

I’m looking for some clarification on the two different examinations of conscience that I have. When does lack of forgiveness or holding a grudge rise to the level of mortal sin? At this point, I’m not even sure when I read the examination of consciences…before or after I went to bed angry.

Do not worry about examinations of conscience. Worry only about what your own confessor advises. IMO people who are overly scrupulous should not generally be reading examinations of conscience; they tend to feed scruples.

Examinations of conscience are a guide, but none of them are authoritive in terms of being magesterial teaching. Some are more strict than others, and some will differ from others. Any confusion should be clarified by your own confessor.

It is hard to forgive. It is sinful to refuse forgiveness, but it is not sinful to struggle to grant forgiveness. These are very different things and understanding the difference is important. When you are a bit “fired up” it is sensible to keep your space and to ask to be left alone. When you have calmed down, deal with things rationally. What you describes seems to me to be that you struggled to forgive, rather than refused. And you worked through that struggle to forgive the person. That is great! Frankly, I doubt there is any sin at all in what you did (depending on the “hurtful comment”), let alone worrying about mortal sin.

 

[1ke]

Veronica, given your post history it is best to discuss this with your spiritual advisor as it has scrupulous undertones. Spending this much time parsing through an encounter trying to determine if it is venial or mortal is NOT healthy. Get spiritual help.

 

[Veronica97]

Good girl! You know that your confessor would have wanted you to receive. This is another important step in the right direction.

Do not worry about examinations of conscience. Worry only about what your own confessor advises. IMO people who are overly scrupulous should not generally be reading examinations of conscience; they tend to feed scruples.

Examinations of conscience are a guide, but none of them are authoritive in terms of being magesterial teaching. Some are more strict than others, and some will differ from others. Any confusion should be clarified by your own confessor.

It is hard to forgive. It is sinful to refuse forgiveness, but it is not sinful to struggle to grant forgiveness. These are very different things and understanding the difference is important. When you are a bit “fired up” it is sensible to keep your space and to ask to be left alone. When you have calmed down, deal with things rationally. What you describes seems to me to be that you struggled to forgive, rather than refused. And you worked through that struggle to forgive the person. That is great! Frankly, I doubt there is any sin at all in what you did (depending on the “hurtful comment”), let alone worrying about mortal sin.

Thank you, underacloud. Your post was very helpful.

 

[feed_me]

If you refuse to forgive, then you leave a foothold for the devil to use that unforgiveness to further use that to drag you down more and more in that sin, then he will cause more problems from that. That is why you dont let the sun go down on that anger. No matter what always forgive or you will have more problems to deal with. Again you shall not kill.