Regret for mistakes

[TheRealJuliane]

I decided to start this thread to discuss how to handle regrets - especially for those times you believe you have failed your family or children in some BIG way. How do you forgive yourself? I’m not talking about, “I should have made him eat more fruit,” but HUGE things that affected their lives.

Am I assuming that God is not in charge of their lives? If I put the blame on myself, am I saying that I know the right path and God isn’t directing things? Is it a lack of faith on my part? I wouldn’t be surprised at that, because I grew up outside the Church and was lapsed for 20 years. So all during that time, I made things happen or they didn’t happen, at least that is what I believed.

Specifically, I have 2 huge regrets with my younger son. I actually have many more than 2, but the big things are that I let him skateboard without a helmet and he fell, and had a skull fracture. He had no brain damage but he did lose his sense of smell. And,second and most recently, I was so hands-off when it came to his college applications that he didn’t get in to the one place he wanted to go and I didn’t encourage him to apply anywhere else.

I screwed up again. How many times am I going to drop the ball for this son?

What do you do when you do something that will have long-ranging consequences for one of your kids’ lives? Or anyone else, but I know that with my kids, I want to do it right and not handicap them further. I mean, they already have me for a parent, so that’s one count against them from the start. LOL

I don’t even know if I am articulating this well enough. I still struggle with regrets from my OWN life and now I have regrets for my kids’ lives, especially the younger one. Please, give me advice on this one, it’s big. I have done therapy, and am seeing a social worker through Catholic Charities every couple of weeks. She’s decent and really helps with some issues, but it’s not like deep therapy.

What works for you?

 

[Irishmom2]

TRJ,

Just a quick thought for now. At some point, you need to forgive yourself for any mistakes you made in your OWN life. I truly believe that you haven’t done that yet. Let it go, and try to move on. Work with what you have now, not with what you wished you had done. Live in the now, not in the past.

As for your son, maybe you could apologize to him for your part in HIS college plans. But again, he needs to realize his part in all of this. So please apologize for your part only. Don’t give him a pass on everything. It won’t help him grow if you continue to take the blame.

You are a very intelligent and insightful woman. You give out good advice for others. Don’t throw yourself under the bus.

 

[kelvinf]

I don’t think you should worry too much. Do your part and let God do his. I always say that there is a limit to what parents can do. Accidents do occur and sometimes, they occur when nobody expects. Planes have plunged into people’s homes whipping out the entire family and other such accidents do occur. Who knew what would have happened even if he was putting on a helmet. I am not saying that safety doesn’t matter, but rather, that there are certain things parents can’t control or always ensure.

Is it that he will never go to college or is that he currently isn’t in college? There is just going to be a delay right? My dad only advised me to research and apply. (Mom played no role.) We both took a big risk because I was to apply only to foreign universities (and it was his idea). I sat at home for months hoping that everything goes as planned. Well, it worked. We were so optimistic that we never discussed the alternative. But I knew it–the alternative was me sitting at home for one full year doing nothing and having to deal with my mom (LOL). So such things do happen in life.

There are parents who have done everything right, but things never turn out the way they anticipated.

Maybe you just need to resolve to always be there and to provide good advice acknowledging that there is a limit to what you can do and don’t try to force it.

Moreover, he is at the age where he needs to start taking decisions for himself. You won’t always be there to decide for him. I know people how have chosen the wrong study programme and had to start back afresh after 3 years. Some were just following the advice of their parents, others simply made the wrong decision. Again, that is how life is. We simply don’t always get it right. But each time we make a mistake, we learn and make better decisions thereafter.

For the younger one, I will say the same thing I tell my mom when she is unnecessarily concerned about us. Don’t worry! Do your best and let the child be. It will not always go your way.

PS: Honestly, you are somewhat like my mom, but you are way too stern. I have been reading your posts.

 

[Luvtosew]

I don’t believe theres a person on this forum or in life that doesn’t have remorse over past actions in our lifes, but the past is gone and all we have is the present and go forward. I feel you are being way too hard on yourself, life is full of mistakes, and well if we could only go back from day one knowing what we know now, we’d all do things differently I"m sure. Please forgive yourself as God has and you need to believe that, I bet your sons have as well. Oh don’t we wish we all had perfect parents, look back were yours perfect, I bet not, but they did the best they knew to do at that time in their life. God Bless but set yourself free, and chock it up to being a human being, and as a human being we are not perfect.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think you are too hard on yourself.

The incident with the skateboard was an accident. I remember when no one wore a helmet for bike riding, skating or skateboarding. You didn’t know, “Today, against the odds he is going to fall and hit his head and fracture his skull” Accidents happen, and thank God he is ok except for his sense of smell.

As for the college application process, I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. He made an incorrect judgement. It is something that can be remedied in some way. If you would have helped him further, it would have been *you *doing it and not him.

He’ll be ok. I had two different college professors, one was a department head who had dropped out of high school before continuing on to become professors. 1 was the department head at that time, the other was a literature scholar.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

 

[Z1Z2]

As for the college application process, I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. He made an incorrect judgement. It is something that can be remedied in some way. If you would have helped him further, it would have been *you *doing it and not him.

This.

The college thing was your son’s mistake, not yours. Did he not know, when all his classmates were studying hard, that grades mattered? Did he not know, when all his classmates were applying to multiple schools in case they did not get their first choice, that there was a chance that he would not get his first choice? If he is old enough to go off on his own, he is old enough to do what was/is required to get there. You do him no favors by taking on HIS responsibility for his actions - or lack thereof. Frankly, no high school student can get to senior year without knowing how to go through the college process. They start talking about college in at least sophmore - not senior - year, so he is not being honest with you or himself if he said he did not know what was required.

 

[newf]

Regrets are handled by putting them in the hands of the Lord.

Taking them back and looking at them over and over is obsessing. Actually you are saying to God that He is not enough. Put down your worries and get busy doing other things. Exercise is a really good way to feel better emotionally as well as physically.

Remember 'ALL things work together for good, for those who love the Lord who are called according to His purpose". Rom.8:28

 

[styrgwillidar]

By first acknowledging that I can not change the past. I make my apologies, sit down and plan - where do I go from here?

For example, your son’s college. He did not get in as a freshman. Can he go somewhere else the first year or semester and reapply. Does the college accept mid-year applications? He can get a job for the time until he can reapply and save up some money towards college. Working a job can provide great experience. Or he can go to a cheaper school for the first two years and then transfer. I wouldn’t be worried about a year delay as I know a lot of folks who had no direction going into college the first year and dropped out somewhere along the line.
Anyway, having regrets is normal, but applying yourself to determining the best way forward is far more productive.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgement (or something like that). You are human, you will make mistakes in life, hopefully you learn from them and don’t repeat them.

 

[EasterJoy]

If your son were to blame you for two bad outcomes he realized because you allowed him to make his own choices, then ask yourself this: What would he be blaming you for if you had made all his choices for him?

What if you had not “dropped the ball” and he had gone off to the college of his choice without being responsible himself for having gotten there? How costly would that mistake be?

But this might help…it is an excerpt from Prince Caspian, by C.S. Lewis, in which Lucy meets Aslan after failing to get others to believe she knew what ought to be done (boldface mine, obviously):

(Aslan speaking) “…You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today.”
“Yes, wasn’t it a shame?” said Lucy. “I saw you all right. They wouldn’t believe me. They’re all so—”
From somewhere deep inside Aslan’s body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.
“I’m sorry,” said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. “I didn’t mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn’t my fault anyway, was it?”
The Lion looked straight into her eyes.
“Oh, Aslan,” said Lucy. “You don’t mean it was? How could I – I couldn’t have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don’t look at me like that… oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn’t have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?”
Aslan said nothing.
“You mean,” said Lucy rather faintly, “that it would have turned out all right – somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?”
** “To know what would have happened, child?” said Aslan. “No. Nobody is ever told that.”*
“Oh dear,” said Lucy.
“But anyone can find out what will happen,” said Aslan. “If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me – what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.”
“Do you mean that is what you want me to do?” gasped Lucy.
“Yes, little one,” said Aslan.
“Will the others see you too?” asked Lucy.
“Certainly not at first,” said Aslan. “Later on, it depends.”
“But they won’t believe me!” said Lucy.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Aslan.
“Oh dear, oh dear,” said Lucy. “And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you’d let me stay. And I thought you’d come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away – like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid.”
“It is hard for you, little one,” said Aslan. “But things never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now.”
Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up. “I’m sorry, Aslan,” she said. “I’m ready now.”
“Now you are a lioness,” said Aslan. “And now all Narnia will be renewed. But come. We have no time to lose.”*

We are never alone in our mistakes, Juliane. I’ve been thinking about my own mistakes a lot today, I was punishing myself a bit for logging in yet again this morning, but in this case, I think it was a good thing. Maybe I’ll be back, and maybe I won’t…but I remember now that “anyone can find out what will happen.”

So come! We have no time to lose!!

 

[kbachler]

Abraham.

It’s not about perfection, its about growth.

How many times did he give his wife away? How many tests of faith did he fail before the time came for THE TEST (the test that God would in fact give Himself?)

David.

It’s about being after God’s own heart.

1 Sam 13:13 “You have done a foolish thing,” Samuel said. “You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. 14 But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him ruler of his people, because you have not kept the LORD’s command.”

Acts 13:22 (Paul speaking) And when He had removed him (Saul), He raised up for them David as king, to whom also He gave testimony and said, “I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart, who will do all My will.”

David was FAR from perfect. But he tried to do right. When he didn’t, he repented, and moved on.

RJ - its easy for any bystander to see what’s in your heart. If it weren’t there, you wouldn’t have the tug of regret you do. But work to put that behind you, because in your faith, you must know that HE knows your heart. He knows you are trying. Just keep going on His path.

 

[AnneTeresa]

You are beating yourself up. You probably did the best you could at the time. For where you failed your son, confess your sin, and try to move on. You may have to actively work at forgiving your self just as you do with other people. Remember, Satan is the accuser–he will try to make you wallow in guilt and regret. That is not from God–put on God’s armor and fight back!

We only have the present. We cannot re-do the past. Give your sons to God, let Him take care of them. I know it is not easy, I also have many regrets for things with my children. But we can CHOOSE to trust God.

God can turn anything around. We must seek Him daily, do the best we can with His help, and give up to Him those things that we can do nothing about. God cares about the sparrow, he numbers the hairs on our heads, does He not care more about your son than you do? Give him over to God and trust in His providence.

Pray to forgive yourself. It’s a necessary part of moving on.

God bless you.

 

[Chochy]

Dear one,

The hardest person to forgive is ourselves, but it must be done. May the Lord bless and keep you. May He grant you peace.

Blessings.

 

[monicatholic]

Oh. Failures. Failures that affect others.

Did I give my son the drugs? Did you push your boy off the skateboard? Or throw away his applications in the trash?

No. We didn’t do those things. Still somehow we feel like we failed. Sins of omission more than sins of commission.

From the beginning of forever, God has always known our failures. He made us and loves us anyway. He’s always known how/ if/ how much our kids would suffer from our failures. He made them and loves them anyway.

Gods love and grace and astonishing mercy is bigger and stronger than all our failures-- of commission and omission all combined exponentially forever. He’s bigger. He’s more powerful. My sin is nothing compared to his mercy. My failures nothing to his redemption. The damage I cause is nothing in the face of his power.

If I believe. If I trust Him. If I pray. If I bring it all to the foot of the cross. Just a drop of his precious blood is enough. Its enough. Its enough for me. Its enough for the people I have failed.

Here’s what to watch for: in my weakness He is strong. But it’s precisely in that weakness the devil tells me , " you’re too far gone. The damage is too bad. God can’t/ won’t fix this." The devil HATES that God is most present, most merciful, most Fatherly to me in my weakness.

And for those of us with regrets-- we see our regrets are our weakest, sorriest, most vulnerable self. There God is most Fatherly to us.

No wonder the devil tries so hard to exploit our regrets.

Fear not little flock. It has pleased your Father to give you the kingdom!!!

And if all that was not enough, He allows us to join in his work of redemption by offering up many things as acts of reparation!

After He’s done all this, am I going to tell Our Almighty Father, " no. Take it back. You’re wrong about me. I know better than you do. I can’t accept your mercy and healing."? Are you going to tell Him that, RJ?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far. I rated this thread 5 starts not because of my OP, but because each one of you has added something invaluable to the subject. You’ve given me much to think about, pray about, ponder, and pray about some more.

I need some more time with Jesus. Adoration, confession, Scripture. And Mary - my rosary.

The holy water suggestion is a good one too.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far. I rated this thread 5 starts not because of my OP, but because each one of you has added something invaluable to the subject. You’ve given me much to think about, pray about, ponder, and pray about some more.

I need some more time with Jesus. Adoration, confession, Scripture. And Mary - my rosary.

The holy water suggestion is a good one too.

Just sit and give these cares, these worries to Jesus in the Eucharist. You’re being terribly hard on yourself. So many parents don’t give care what their kids do, watch, read, see, associate with and so on. You’re a mother who regrets her son being injured in an accident that wasn’t directly your fault and for things that might have impacted where he attends college. Your worries about these things show you’re a good, loving parent. Please try and remember that you’re God’s child; He loves you even more than you love your son. I don’t think He would be as hard on you as you’re being on yourself. Praying for you and your family. God Bless.

 

[onmyknees]

Julianne, I am here reading your thread and I so want to help you but alas I have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words! I can say that I can empathize with you, having made very serious mistakes myself while raising my boys. Regrets Regrets. I often pray this to Him who comforts me. I hope it will give you some comfort too.

Psalm 139 Verse 1-18

O Lord, thou hast searched me and known me!
Thou knowest when I sit down and when I rise up; thou discernest my thoughts from afar.
Thou searchest out my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
Thou dost beset me behind and before, and layest thy hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it.

Whither shall I go from thy Spirit? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend to heaven, thou art there! If I make my bed in She’ol, thou art there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there thy hand shall lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Let only darkness cover me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to thee, the night is bright as the day;
for darkness is as light with thee.

For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise thee, for thou art fearful and wonderful. Wonderful are thy works!
Thou knowest me right well; my frame was not hidden from thee,
when I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth.
Thy eyes beheld my unformed substance, in thy book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are thy thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. When I awake, I am still with thee"

 

[Mummsie]

RJ,

Those “If only’s” are definitely Satan trying to undermine the growth you’ve already made.

As many have said, we all have regrets. But those errors of the past are what have made us who we are today. All of our mistakes were part of our journey bringing us to where we are now. Each mistake helps us to evolve into that Holy person God wants us to be. And Satan definitely wants to derail our efforts. Continue to trust in God.

God grant me…
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (the past)
the Courage to change the things I can, (today)
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Glad you started this thread. I have some pretty serious regrets myself.

How do I deal with them? Not sure. Sometimes I do; sometimes I don’t. I tend to beat myself up a lot over them.

I’m focused on learning what Catholicism has to offer and grow spiritually. That has been a HUGE help. God’s grace is amazing.

 

[onmyknees]

Glad you started this thread. I have some pretty serious regrets myself.

How do I deal with them? Not sure. Sometimes I do; sometimes I don’t. I tend to beat myself up a lot over them.

I’m focused on learning what Catholicism has to offer and grow spiritually. That has been a HUGE help. God’s grace is amazing.

Welcome home SurlyMermaid! Are you coming into the Church this Easter? How exciting!

It helps me to deal with my past mistakes by remembering God’s infinite mercy on us all. And of course confessing to Jesus in the sacrament of reconciliation is always healing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Julianne, I am here reading your thread and I so want to help you but alas I have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words! I can say that I can empathize with you, having made very serious mistakes myself while raising my boys. Regrets Regrets. I often pray this to Him who comforts me. I hope it will give you some comfort too.

Psalm 139 Verse 1-18

O Lord, thou hast searched me and known me!
Thou knowest when I sit down and when I rise up; thou discernest my thoughts from afar.
Thou searchest out my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
Thou dost beset me behind and before, and layest thy hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it.

Whither shall I go from thy Spirit? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend to heaven, thou art there! If I make my bed in She’ol, thou art there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there thy hand shall lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Let only darkness cover me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to thee, the night is bright as the day;
for darkness is as light with thee.

For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise thee, for thou art fearful and wonderful. Wonderful are thy works!
Thou knowest me right well; my frame was not hidden from thee,
when I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth.
Thy eyes beheld my unformed substance, in thy book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are thy thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. When I awake, I am still with thee"

I love that Psalm and of course we use it in the pro-life movement all the time. But I have forgotten to apply it to my OWN life…



Thanks for the reminder!