Regrets about your wedding style?

[Just_wondering]

I’m getting ahead of myself here as usual but do any of you have regrets about what you did for your wedding? I’m just considering our options, and I’m not sure how best to organize getting married.

The big issue is that it’s an international relationship. Although it’s easy for me to get to the Philippines, it won’t be easy for my boyfriend or his family to get to Canada, and my family probably won’t be able to get to the Philippines. It looks like unless we have two ceremonies (which isn’t allowed) we will probably have to exclude one of the families from the wedding.

On the one hand, I’d love to have a wedding in Canada, with my family around me to witness it and to welcome my new husband to the family. On the other hand, it’s going to take quite a long time to get my boyfriend permission to come to Canada, and we won’t be able to plan the wedding until we know when he’s coming. It seems like planning the wedding will take a lot of time and money in Canada. It will add at least 18 months and probably longer to the process, and we were hoping to start a family sooner than that. And then my boyfriend’s family won’t be able to attend the wedding, and that seems unfair because we’re not going to be living near them and so they won’t see much of us anyway. It seems like letting them attend the wedding is the least we can do.

The other option is to get married sooner here in Asia. It doesn’t take nearly as long to plan things here. I can get a visa to the Philippines easily enough, and it strikes me that wedding planning will be much easier there. All we really want to do is go to the church and then have a big party anyway - no formal reception or anything. But then, I’m worried that my family will never have the chance to really welcome my husband to the family. That could cause either him or them to have hurt feelings later. If we get married in the Philippines, it might be another year or two after the wedding before my boyfriend can move to Canada, so it might be a LONG TIME before my family can congratulate us.

Gah! I don’t want to wait; I just want to be married to this man already! But then, I don’t want to hurt my family.

Has anyone here gotten married without their family there? Do you have regrets about it? Was your family offended, even knowing that circumstances were difficult? Did you feel like your marriage was really recognized in the family? Did your spouse feel accepted?

Conversely, has anyone here delayed getting married so that the whole family could be in attendance and had a bigger wedding than you really wanted? Did you regret waiting? Did you regret spending more money than necessary?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**What does your family think? Have you discussed this with them? I think that should be your first step if you haven’t yet discussed details. They may surprise you with either their attitude of a few more options.

What does your boyfriend think his family’s reaction will be to either scenario?**

 

[Sierrah]

If it were me I would make sure my mom, dad and siblings were all there and have the wedding in the Asia if that is possible. Or have the wedding in Asia with some sort of civil ceremony and big party in CANADA. I can’t imagine given the cercumstances that the church would have an objection to that.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m getting ahead of myself here as usual but do any of you have regrets about what you did for your wedding? I’m just considering our options, and I’m not sure how best to organize getting married.

The big issue is that it’s an international relationship. Although it’s easy for me to get to the Philippines, it won’t be easy for my boyfriend or his family to get to Canada, and my family probably won’t be able to get to the Philippines. It looks like unless we have two ceremonies (which isn’t allowed) we will probably have to exclude one of the families from the wedding.

On the one hand, I’d love to have a wedding in Canada, with my family around me to witness it and to welcome my new husband to the family. On the other hand, it’s going to take quite a long time to get my boyfriend permission to come to Canada, and we won’t be able to plan the wedding until we know when he’s coming. It seems like planning the wedding will take a lot of time and money in Canada. It will add at least 18 months and probably longer to the process, and we were hoping to start a family sooner than that. And then my boyfriend’s family won’t be able to attend the wedding, and that seems unfair because we’re not going to be living near them and so they won’t see much of us anyway. It seems like letting them attend the wedding is the least we can do.

The other option is to get married sooner here in Asia. It doesn’t take nearly as long to plan things here. I can get a visa to the Philippines easily enough, and it strikes me that wedding planning will be much easier there. All we really want to do is go to the church and then have a big party anyway - no formal reception or anything. But then, I’m worried that my family will never have the chance to really welcome my husband to the family. That could cause either him or them to have hurt feelings later. If we get married in the Philippines, it might be another year or two after the wedding before my boyfriend can move to Canada, so it might be a LONG TIME before my family can congratulate us.

Gah! I don’t want to wait; I just want to be married to this man already! But then, I don’t want to hurt my family.

Has anyone here gotten married without their family there? Do you have regrets about it? Was your family offended, even knowing that circumstances were difficult? Did you feel like your marriage was really recognized in the family? Did your spouse feel accepted?

Conversely, has anyone here delayed getting married so that the whole family could be in attendance and had a bigger wedding than you really wanted? Did you regret waiting? Did you regret spending more money than necessary?

Mine isn’t going to be international but let me tell you just several states away is a huge problem!!! I live without any family, just a few friends, say 6 friends that I can count on being able to go to my wedding that live around where I live, that’s it!! And their children and spouses, etc…That’s it…Then my future GOD WILLING INLAWS, whom don’t really care for showing up, I know FIL will be super happy but MIL won’t many issues there…My family lives in another state and it’s like UHM, help!! I will be preparing my wedding practically alone, I met someone here on the forum and she’s great and willing to help me through my wedding preparations so looking forward to that!! Won’t feel so alone in this great battle of getting it right the first time!! HAHAHA! Anyhow, and my father wishes to be here but as my mother stated, “we don’t have the money!” So I don’t know how it’s going to be…I want my 2 bffs and their families to be here but I doubt they will make it unless I give them another year or so, so I am debating whether to change my wedding date another year, it’s next year but obviously it doesn’t seem to be enough time…My fiance wants to give me a nice wedding, there won’t be more than 90 people in it, including us, so it’s a small wedding alltogether…Yet we both want tradition and something new as well.

Very difficult situation…My parents told me to have the wedding without them but to do it. But I have 3 children so I would need their help for my honey moon so that is another problem there!

So the best thing for you to do is to just speak with both families…Believe me as much as I wish for them to be here the closer time gets the more I am convinced it is not going to happen and I will be forced to marry my honey without my family around, and it’s just something I will have to deal with…

 

[Just_wondering]

**What does your family think? Have you discussed this with them? I think that should be your first step if you haven’t yet discussed details. They may surprise you with either their attitude of a few more options.

What does your boyfriend think his family’s reaction will be to either scenario?**

I spoke to my parents and asked them if they thought the family could visit the Philippines next year, and they sounded pretty doubtful and negative about it. My sister’s in grad school and my parents run their own business (without employees) so they basically suggested that getting married in the Philippines wasn’t a good idea. :dts: That was a couple of months ago - we’re still waiting for my boyfriend’s custody agreement to be finalized so we’ll know whether to put his daughters on the immigration paperwork, so the wedding is on the back burner for now. Except I’m still thinking of it.

I haven’t given up hope that my family could make it if we arranged it well. Surely if the wedding were around next Christmas, my parents could close up shop for a few weeks and my sister would have time off from school. Of course, tickets for six to the Philippines would be expensive, but might still be cheaper than a wedding in Canada.

I don’t even want to wait that long, really. If we could get married this week, I’d do it!

 

[Just_wondering]

My fiance wants to give me a nice wedding, there won’t be more than 90 people in it, including us, so it’s a small wedding alltogether…Yet we both want tradition and something new as well.

Very difficult situation…My parents told me to have the wedding without them but to do it. But I have 3 children so I would need their help for my honey moon so that is another problem there!

So the best thing for you to do is to just speak with both families…Believe me as much as I wish for them to be here the closer time gets the more I am convinced it is not going to happen and I will be forced to marry my honey without my family around, and it’s just something I will have to deal with…

I hear you! Boy, long distance can be a problem. But I have to say, if we get married in Canada, I can see the wedding being 30 people or less. My family would be about 15, plus a handful of friends that I used to know. I’ve lived in Asia so long, there’s almost no one left at home to invite. If the wedding were here, I can see 100 or even 200 people coming to the party - probably my boyfriend’s whole barrio. Sooner, bigger, cheaper… but I really want my family there.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I spoke to my parents and asked them if they thought the family could visit the Philippines next year, and they sounded pretty doubtful and negative about it. My sister’s in grad school and my parents run their own business (without employees) so they basically suggested that getting married in the Philippines wasn’t a good idea. :dts: That was a couple of months ago - we’re still waiting for my boyfriend’s custody agreement to be finalized so we’ll know whether to put his daughters on the immigration paperwork, so the wedding is on the back burner for now. Except I’m still thinking of it.

I haven’t given up hope that my family could make it if we arranged it well. Surely if the wedding were around next Christmas, my parents could close up shop for a few weeks and my sister would have time off from school. Of course, tickets for six to the Philippines would be expensive, but might still be cheaper than a wedding in Canada.

I don’t even want to wait that long, really. If we could get married this week, I’d do it!

**But what do your parents think about not being present to witness your marriage?

Only you and your boyfriend know your circumstances (all i know is that it’s complicated, lol).

But honestly, if I were in your situation and there were no other impediments to marriage I might consider a “destination wedding” where it is only you and your boyfriend. Then each family can be equally offended, lol.

But you and hubby will combine marriage and honeymoon, have a little vacation, and probably spend less than any other option available to you at the moment.**

 

[puzzleannie]

if I were invited into this discussion by young relatives in my family, I would suggest a small church wedding in the parish of either the bride or groom, preceded by marriage preparation that focuses on rights, duties and challenges of married life, rather than on the party after the wedding. I would then suggest spending available resources for travel and entertainment on visiting each family after the wedding for whatever type of celebration you can afford. Since travel expenses will be greater, I would counsel spending less on the food and rest of the peripherals of such celebrations. I would not waste 5 minutes worrying about logistics of wining and dining my relatives.

 

[ack]

Are you really suggesting that the OP marries outside the church?

Remember that the OP’s husband is Catholic and marrying outside the church is not an option for them.

Or have the wedding in Asia with some sort of civil ceremony and big party in CANADA. I can’t imagine given the cercumstances that the church would have an objection to that.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Are you really suggesting that the OP marries outside the church?

Remember that the OP’s husband is Catholic and marrying outside the church is not an option for them.

It sounded to ME like she was suggesting the Catholic wedding in Asia and then some sort of civil ceremony plus a party when they get back to Canada. But that wouldn’t work either. All they need is the party/reception in Canada so that it can be the “official” welcome to the family party/event.

**I do wonder though if they could have a renewing of their vows service when they get back to Canada? **

 

[kage_ar]

if I were invited into this discussion by young relatives in my family, I would suggest a small church wedding in the parish of either the bride or groom, preceded by marriage preparation that focuses on rights, duties and challenges of married life, rather than on the party after the wedding. I would then suggest spending available resources for travel and entertainment on visiting each family after the wedding for whatever type of celebration you can afford. Since travel expenses will be greater, I would counsel spending less on the food and rest of the peripherals of such celebrations. I would not waste 5 minutes worrying about logistics of wining and dining my relatives.

VERY wise words.

 

[jmcrae]

if I were invited into this discussion by young relatives in my family, I would suggest a small church wedding in the parish of either the bride or groom, preceded by marriage preparation that focuses on rights, duties and challenges of married life, rather than on the party after the wedding. I would then suggest spending available resources for travel and entertainment on visiting each family after the wedding for whatever type of celebration you can afford. Since travel expenses will be greater, I would counsel spending less on the food and rest of the peripherals of such celebrations. I would not waste 5 minutes worrying about logistics of wining and dining my relatives.

AMEN.

My husband is also an immigrant. We had the wedding here at home, and then went to Scotland to visit with his relatives.

We kept everything very simple, both here and at his parents’ home.

 

[BlestOne]

For legality sake you could have a civil marriage in Philippines and not consummate until you have a convalidation in Canada… this way you could get hubby into the country (which I am assuming was part of the problem) and then have your real wedding at your home parish.

 

[ack]

Are you sure that this is okay?

I seem to remember from past threads that the church does not approve of this.

For legality sake you could have a civil marriage in Philippines and not consummate until you have a convalidation in Canada… this way you could get hubby into the country (which I am assuming was part of the problem) and then have your real wedding at your home parish.

 

[Ruthie]

Here’s a thought…

Could you arrange for a webcam kind of thing, so that you could marry in the Philippines, with your family in Canada watching it live, and you also being able to see and speak to them live?

Then you could arrange a “welcome home” party when you finally get home to Canada.

Other than that, I also agree with PuzzleAnnie. Don’t leave out the marriage prep.

God bless you both, and may your marriage be happy and life long!

Ruthie

Oh… the only thing I regretted at all, at our rather informal wedding, was having my mother’s friend as photographer. She was a tiny lady, so all the shots at the reception are looking up at people!

 

[Gearoidin]

The big issue is that it’s an international relationship. Although it’s easy for me to get to the Philippines, it won’t be easy for my boyfriend or his family to get to Canada, and my family probably won’t be able to get to the Philippines. It looks like unless we have two ceremonies (which isn’t allowed) we will probably have to exclude one of the families from the wedding.

On the one hand, I’d love to have a wedding in Canada, with my family around me to witness it and to welcome my new husband to the family. On the other hand, it’s going to take quite a long time to get my boyfriend permission to come to Canada, and we won’t be able to plan the wedding until we know when he’s coming. It seems like planning the wedding will take a lot of time and money in Canada. It will add at least 18 months and probably longer to the process, and we were hoping to start a family sooner than that. And then my boyfriend’s family won’t be able to attend the wedding, and that seems unfair because we’re not going to be living near them and so they won’t see much of us anyway. It seems like letting them attend the wedding is the least we can do.

The other option is to get married sooner here in Asia. It doesn’t take nearly as long to plan things here. I can get a visa to the Philippines easily enough, and it strikes me that wedding planning will be much easier there. All we really want to do is go to the church and then have a big party anyway - no formal reception or anything. But then, I’m worried that my family will never have the chance to really welcome my husband to the family. That could cause either him or them to have hurt feelings later. If we get married in the Philippines, it might be another year or two after the wedding before my boyfriend can move to Canada, so it might be a LONG TIME before my family can congratulate us.

Has anyone here gotten married without their family there? Do you have regrets about it? Was your family offended, even knowing that circumstances were difficult? Did you feel like your marriage was really recognized in the family? Did your spouse feel accepted?

Conversely, has anyone here delayed getting married so that the whole family could be in attendance and had a bigger wedding than you really wanted? Did you regret waiting? Did you regret spending more money than necessary?

You are describing exactlty what we went through 8 years ago. My husband is Japanese and I am Irish. We live in Japan. My grandmother was in her late 80s and my mother in her late 60s when we got married. Neither were in good health so could not travel. My husband’s parents are much younger (in their 50s at that time) but his mother has a heart condition and his father was undergoing treatment for colon cancer at the time so couldn’t travel either.
We had the ceremony in Japan and a party for my husband’s family and our friend here. About 18 months later we renewed our vows in Ireland and had a party there for my family and friends. Holding 2 parties and renewing our vows was nice but extremely expensive.
My mother was upset because she felt that the wedding should be in the bride’s hometown but she finally understood that it would have been very difficult for us to arrange a wedding in Ireland - pre-cana, booking a church etc take so long there.
If we could do it all again, I think we would probably do the same. There was no way to make everyone happy.

Good luck with your wedding plans!

Gearoidin

 

[Just_wondering]

**But what do your parents think about not being present to witness your marriage?

But honestly, if I were in your situation and there were no other impediments to marriage I might consider a “destination wedding” where it is only you and your boyfriend. Then each family can be equally offended, lol. **

That’s kind of what I’m thinking about, and why I started this thread. Would I regret offending my family if I just had a small private wedding? I really do want them to be able to witness my vows.

if I were invited into this discussion by young relatives in my family, I would suggest a small church wedding in the parish of either the bride or groom, preceded by marriage preparation that focuses on rights, duties and challenges of married life, rather than on the party after the wedding. I would then suggest spending available resources for travel and entertainment on visiting each family after the wedding for whatever type of celebration you can afford. Since travel expenses will be greater, I would counsel spending less on the food and rest of the peripherals of such celebrations. I would not waste 5 minutes worrying about logistics of wining and dining my relatives.

You’re right, of course. I am much more interested in the marriage than in the wedding. That’s kind of the problem - I want to just go ahead and get married without the wedding, but I don’t want to create resentment in the family by doing so. When we start our marriage prep, I’d like to be able to tell the priest where and when we’re getting married, at least. I’ve heard they like to know that stuff.

It sounded to ME like she was suggesting the Catholic wedding in Asia and then some sort of civil ceremony plus a party when they get back to Canada. But that wouldn’t work either. All they need is the party/reception in Canada so that it can be the “official” welcome to the family party/event.

**I do wonder though if they could have a renewing of their vows service when they get back to Canada? **

That’s what I’m wondering. I know we can’t have two weddings.

For legality sake you could have a civil marriage in Philippines and not consummate until you have a convalidation in Canada… this way you could get hubby into the country (which I am assuming was part of the problem) and then have your real wedding at your home parish.

Fr. Serpa has told people not to do that on Ask an Apologist. Also, ironically, it’s easier to get him into the country on a fiance visa than a marriage visa - except that he can’t leave once he comes in until his status is switched over, which takes months. So if we get married in Canada, no honeymoon in the Philippines. If we get married in the Philippines, we might have to wait a year or more to go to Canada. That’s a long time, with or without consummating the marriage!

Here’s a thought…

Could you arrange for a webcam kind of thing, so that you could marry in the Philippines, with your family in Canada watching it live, and you also being able to see and speak to them live?

Then you could arrange a “welcome home” party when you finally get home to Canada.

Other than that, I also agree with PuzzleAnnie. Don’t leave out the marriage prep.

God bless you both, and may your marriage be happy and life long!

Ruthie

Oh… the only thing I regretted at all, at our rather informal wedding, was having my mother’s friend as photographer. She was a tiny lady, so all the shots at the reception are looking up at people!

See, the photography is one thing I’d like to splurge on. We have no good pictures of the two of us. I’d like to have at least a few professional photos taken, especially if half the families can’t be there.

As for the webcam thing, I’d have to look into it. It might work, but my parents have dial-up internet, so it might not. Maybe we can e-mail each other videos?

 

[Just_wondering]

You are describing exactlty what we went through 8 years ago. My husband is Japanese and I am Irish. We live in Japan. My grandmother was in her late 80s and my mother in her late 60s when we got married. Neither were in good health so could not travel. My husband’s parents are much younger (in their 50s at that time) but his mother has a heart condition and his father was undergoing treatment for colon cancer at the time so couldn’t travel either.
We had the ceremony in Japan and a party for my husband’s family and our friend here. About 18 months later we renewed our vows in Ireland and had a party there for my family and friends. Holding 2 parties and renewing our vows was nice but extremely expensive.
My mother was upset because she felt that the wedding should be in the bride’s hometown but she finally understood that it would have been very difficult for us to arrange a wedding in Ireland - pre-cana, booking a church etc take so long there.
If we could do it all again, I think we would probably do the same. There was no way to make everyone happy.

Good luck with your wedding plans!

Gearoidin

So it sounds like you two did what seems to me like the most logical plan. Really expensive, eh? I was hoping not. I was thinking backyard barbecue some summer weekend.

Did the Irish ceremony feel less authentic because you’d already been married 18 months? I was thinking I wouldn’t do anything formal because we would already have been married for quite a while.

The plan I’m thinking of is to go through pre-cana long distance here (he’s in the Philippines now and I’m in Korea), then go to the Philippines about a month before the wedding. (His mother said I can stay with her before the wedding.) We’d finish up the last of the marriage prep, have a ceremony at his home parish, have a big backyard party (not a formal reception), and go to some small island for a honeymoon. Then we’ll go to the Canadian embassy and apply for his visa, and go work in a different country for a year as husband and wife while we wait for him to get permission to go to Canada. FINALLY, when we get permission to go to Canada, we’ll go there, have a nice backyard party for my family and friends, and go on living as husband and wife in Canada. (And if we have a little newborn at the backyard party in Canada, well, that’s just more to celebrate!)

 

[thomfra]

I’m getting ahead of myself here as usual but do any of you have regrets about what you did for your wedding? I’m just considering our options, and I’m not sure how best to organize getting married.

The big issue is that it’s an international relationship. Although it’s easy for me to get to the Philippines, it won’t be easy for my boyfriend or his family to get to Canada, and my family probably won’t be able to get to the Philippines. It looks like unless we have two ceremonies (which isn’t allowed) we will probably have to exclude one of the families from the wedding.

On the one hand, I’d love to have a wedding in Canada, with my family around me to witness it and to welcome my new husband to the family. On the other hand, it’s going to take quite a long time to get my boyfriend permission to come to Canada, and we won’t be able to plan the wedding until we know when he’s coming. It seems like planning the wedding will take a lot of time and money in Canada. It will add at least 18 months and probably longer to the process, and we were hoping to start a family sooner than that. And then my boyfriend’s family won’t be able to attend the wedding, and that seems unfair because we’re not going to be living near them and so they won’t see much of us anyway. It seems like letting them attend the wedding is the least we can do.

The other option is to get married sooner here in Asia. It doesn’t take nearly as long to plan things here. I can get a visa to the Philippines easily enough, and it strikes me that wedding planning will be much easier there. All we really want to do is go to the church and then have a big party anyway - no formal reception or anything. But then, I’m worried that my family will never have the chance to really welcome my husband to the family. That could cause either him or them to have hurt feelings later. If we get married in the Philippines, it might be another year or two after the wedding before my boyfriend can move to Canada, so it might be a LONG TIME before my family can congratulate us.

Gah! I don’t want to wait; I just want to be married to this man already! But then, I don’t want to hurt my family.

Has anyone here gotten married without their family there? Do you have regrets about it? Was your family offended, even knowing that circumstances were difficult? Did you feel like your marriage was really recognized in the family? Did your spouse feel accepted?

Conversely, has anyone here delayed getting married so that the whole family could be in attendance and had a bigger wedding than you really wanted? Did you regret waiting? Did you regret spending more money than necessary?

I’d just go to Asia and get married. Your family will understand! GO FOR IT!!!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Before you two actually do something, make sure his decree of nullity is in place (oh yeh, that).

The older I get, the more I am becoming a believer of what we call in the States, “The Ladder and Check Club.” For Protestants, that’d mean a ladder at the window and elopement, followed by a check from the parents because they didn’t have to spend big bucks and many hours on a wedding. For Catholics, that would probably mean doing the marriage prep, then getting married hopefully before, during or after a normally scheduled Mass.

Whatever you decide, I vote for the easiest possible and simplest route. I would double-check all my info regarding visas with a Canadian attorney before I did whatever it is I was going to do, though.

It’s been so long…I am happy you’re seeing light at the end of your tunnel.