Regrets

[Micki]

I’ve made some seriously sinful choices in my life. I’ve received and accepted God’s forgiveness but the regrets linger–sometimes very bitter regrets. Why do I still have these feelings? Why haven’t they gone when I accepted God’s forgiveness? I feel that they get between me and the Lord and I don’t know what to do about it.

Please don’t suggest spiritual direction. Not that it’s not a great idea but it’s unrealistic to find a spiritual director. I’ve gone down too many dead end streets looking for one and I’m burnt out!!

Micki

 

[MtnDwellar]

The inability to forgive one’s self is totally related to ego.

 

[Spencerian]

I’ve made some seriously sinful choices in my life. I’ve received and accepted God’s forgiveness but the regrets linger–sometimes very bitter regrets. Why do I still have these feelings? Why haven’t they gone when I accepted God’s forgiveness? I feel that they get between me and the Lord and I don’t know what to do about it.

Please don’t suggest spiritual direction. Not that it’s not a great idea but it’s unrealistic to find a spiritual director. I’ve gone down too many dead end streets looking for one and I’m burnt out!!

Micki

Hi, Micki.

I’ve definitely been down that road. In fact, I was still on that road after my baptism into the faith a few years ago (which acts a complete absolution for all mortal and venial sins as well as original sin). Although I wasn’t required to, I admitted my guilt in confession, and later, told of my transgression to a close friend that would’ve been affected by my past acts.

Part of the problem might be that you (as had I) still feel guilty over your transgression. While God has forgiven you for making a mess, you still live surrounded by that mess and haven’t yet figured out how to clean it up yet. That’s also the definition of purgatory, too, but I’ll assume you’re not posting from there. (If you are, however, congratulations! )

God’s absolution does not dispense with the after-effects of sin, only the state of grace you have with Him.

Acceptance of yourself, warts and all, is one of the most challenging things we try to do as humans. Women in western society, I think, have the hardest time at this with all the beauty and image messages that they are bombarded by, but men have a time living up to the “masculine” image, too.

In any case, somewhere inside yourself lies the ability for *you *to forgive yourself (and others). It all makes it amazing that God’s mercy is so powerful that He can forgive you easily, when you think about it. That is, we think that we’re pretty smart and giving as people. But when it comes to sincerely saying, “I forgive you,” to yourself or anyone, that can be a monumental task.

But you are up to it. If there is a party you have wronged, meet them and apologize to them. It could help.

 

[Micki]

Thanks Spencerian. You touched on some key points. These regrets though are often based on the current condition of my life which is a result of previous bad choices. So each day, when I look at my life, I see the reprecussions.

Let me be more specific. I’ve been married for 34 years. After six months of marriage, I agreed with my husband for him to have a vasectomy. STUPID, STUPID!! Now, no children, no grandchildren. EVERY day I’m reminded of this. My best friend just emailed me to let me know she is expecting her first grandchild. I cried for two days!! To add to the situation, when I was 19 my parents forced me to have an abortion.

So, the regrents and the frequent reminders are a living hell!!

 

[Spencerian]

Thanks Spencerian. You touched on some key points. These regrets though are often based on the current condition of my life which is a result of previous bad choices. So each day, when I look at my life, I see the reprecussions.

Let me be more specific. I’ve been married for 34 years. After six months of marriage, I agreed with my husband for him to have a vasectomy. STUPID, STUPID!! Now, no children, no grandchildren. EVERY day I’m reminded of this. My best friend just emailed me to let me know she is expecting her first grandchild. I cried for two days!! To add to the situation, when I was 19 my parents forced me to have an abortion.

So, the regrents and the frequent reminders are a living hell!!

Thanks for replying, Micki.

That memory is a harsh one, that much is certain. As a man, I can’t easily relate. While your husband could get the procedure reversed with a small chance of it working, it sounds like your time of fertility has passed.

I have similar regrets in when I first married, the whys and the later “how could I be so stupid!” thoughts. Worse were the ramifications of ending that marriage, only to find the faith and see for myself firsthand how powerful God’s mercy has been to me. It has been the best 5 years of my life. Yet, I’m permanently reminded of the pain I and others around me experienced in getting there.

I don’t like cliches like “offering your suffering up to God,” but maybe it’s appropriate here. For me, I try to offer it up by becoming a stronger man, to push myself for righteousness, to speak up where others may not, to do what God asks me, not what I want.

Perhaps you could be a parent or grandparent or guide to children that, through no fault of their own, have lost theirs. The Big Brother/Big Sister programs, or foster care, or even adoption could be options. You may feel that you have lost something in having a natural family, but such options may give you the opportunity to form a *supernatural *family, united in spirit–YOUR spirit, thanks to God.

 

[Micki]

Thanks for replying, Micki.

That memory is a harsh one, that much is certain. As a man, I can’t easily relate. While your husband could get the procedure reversed with a small chance of it working, it sounds like your time of fertility has passed.

I have similar regrets in when I first married, the whys and the later “how could I be so stupid!” thoughts. Worse were the ramifications of ending that marriage, only to find the faith and see for myself firsthand how powerful God’s mercy has been to me. It has been the best 5 years of my life. Yet, I’m permanently reminded of the pain I and others around me experienced in getting there.

I don’t like cliches like “offering your suffering up to God,” but maybe it’s appropriate here. For me, I try to offer it up by becoming a stronger man, to push myself for righteousness, to speak up where others may not, to do what God asks me, not what I want.

Perhaps you could be a parent or grandparent or guide to children that, through no fault of their own, have lost theirs. The Big Brother/Big Sister programs, or foster care, or even adoption could be options. You may feel that you have lost something in having a natural family, but such options may give you the opportunity to form a *supernatural *family, united in spirit–YOUR spirit, thanks to God.

Thanks again for your advise. True, fertility has passed. My husband and I were married 28 years when he converted to Catholicism. I sometimes wonder if he had converted years before, we would have proceeded with a reversal but this was not to be God’s timing.

I’ve taught for years. Now I case manage children in special education programs so I have been around children most of my adult life. I guess, though, at this point in my life that just doesn’t seem to be enough.

I’ll continue to offer up this suffering. I think this is what I need to do to to try to keep this from separating me from the Lord and keep me from the self-pity.

Micki

 

[JRKH]

Accepting forgiveness and being contrite will not necesarily remove the cross that we must bear arising from our past. This is simply a fact of life.
These memories and regrets can be a two edged sword.
The devil can use these things to tempt us to dispair. To feel ourselves unforgivable and to give up our long journey toward sanctity.
Christ can use these things as tools to hope. To help us grow in our reliance Him and on His providential grace.
Which of these will we choose.

If we choose dispair, then nothing good can come from our past mistakes. We sill be unable to save others or even ourselves.
If we choose hope, much good can come from these mistakes and even our sorrow and regret. Our Prayers, our testemony, our very lives can be changed by being hopeful that God can take our sorrow and grow good fruits fro it.

You are sorrowful at having no children and no grandchildren. I wonder how many children could benefit from you volunteering as a mentor. How many poor single mothers wuold love to have the (name removed by moderator)ut of a woman of your life experiences.
I’m sure that if you were to ask God to show you haw to put your “life lessons” to use, He would open many doors for you, and your sorrow would torn quickly to joy.

Peace
James

 

[MtnDwellar]

The inability to forgive one’s self is totally related to ego.

I think that I should explain myself:

Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. The good, the bad, and everything else. Whatever happened in your past happened for a reason. God gives us everything that we need. Not material needs, but spiritual needs. Your entire past has lead to your spiritual maturity. It was all necessary.

Believing that you should have changed the past or regretting it is saying that you know better than God what you needed. Trust in God. He knows what is best. We do not.

 

[LindaSK]

I can no longer have any more children. If I could go back and make better choices, I certainly would. I have been a master of regret. It has taken much to get to a point where I can now see that such regrets are a waste of time and energy that might be spent on more constructive endeavors. My priest, who is also my Spiritual Director, when he sees me getting ‘stuck’ on an issue from the past, knows I connect well with the Serenity Prayer:
*
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.*

See: cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

I have a great devotion to St. Joseph. I am sure when he became betrothed to Mary, since she was so young, he was expecting to have children with her, and, probably grandchildren. He got Jesus. But… he had a choice to make. He could have “divorced her quietly”, and married someone else and have that family. Instead he trusted God. And he was faithful. He remained chaste. I want to believe he had no regrets.

God has plans for each of us. Father reminds me how important perspective is. It may sound simplistic, but, count your blessings rather than your regrets. Father had me write down those things I did right and well, things that made me feel good about myself. I had a tough time at first. But, he made me keep thinking about it. He suggested daily examination of conscience, and encouraged me to write down the good things I felt I did in the course of the day, and to see the positives as well as the negatives.

It sounds to me that your actions are on the right track, with your work with children. Your heart and mind need to catch up with your actions. Pray about it. Ask God what He wants from you, and spend some time in silence, and listen. Yes, that was a struggle for me, too. God blessed my priest with great patience!

I walk the Stations of the Cross and remember the sufferings of Jesus and His Mother.

God loves you and wants you to be healed. You are in my prayers. I don’t know if any of this is helpful. I know that feeling helpless to change things is a terrible burden. Father has said, “Let it go” many times!!

Someone shared this with me:

*LET GO AND LET GOD!

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
“How can you be so slow?”
“My child,” He said,
“What could I do?
You never did let go.”
*

God bless,
Linda

 

[spirit4life]

I’ve made some seriously sinful choices in my life. I’ve received and accepted God’s forgiveness but the regrets linger–sometimes very bitter regrets. Why do I still have these feelings? Why haven’t they gone when I accepted God’s forgiveness? I feel that they get between me and the Lord and I don’t know what to do about it.
Please don’t suggest spiritual direction. Not that it’s not a great idea but it’s unrealistic to find a spiritual director. I’ve gone down too many dead end streets looking for one and I’m burnt out!!

Micki

Hi Micki,

perhaps your work is still unfinished - Maybe God wants you to BE a living testimony, for the benefit of others, as to why to not fall into the same trap and commit this sin. You will have strong feelings and emotions on this topic the rest of your life - why not put it to use for good rather than dwelling on the negative?

Also, focus on Christ’s Passion - and what He did to forgive our sins; claim and acknowledge your contribution to his suffering, and then let His Spirit burn in you, for the benefit of others.

Prayers, and may the Peace of Christ be with you,

-S

 

[Musician]

I feel for you, dear. It was a choice that you’ll have to live with now and it really bites.
I don’t know what to tell you. I have unbelievable regrets about my life as a mom - I made such horrible mistakes raising my kids.
But I think if we beat ourselves up about it over and over, we’re not receiving the grace God wants to pour out on us. So, at some point we have to move on. That is what I am trying to do, and it is so difficult.
My prayers are with you.

 

[Micki]

I can no longer have any more children. If I could go back and make better choices, I certainly would. I have been a master of regret. It has taken much to get to a point where I can now see that such regrets are a waste of time and energy that might be spent on more constructive endeavors. My priest, who is also my Spiritual Director, when he sees me getting ‘stuck’ on an issue from the past, knows I connect well with the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

See: cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

I have a great devotion to St. Joseph. I am sure when he became betrothed to Mary, since she was so young, he was expecting to have children with her, and, probably grandchildren. He got Jesus. But… he had a choice to make. He could have “divorced her quietly”, and married someone else and have that family. Instead he trusted God. And he was faithful. He remained chaste. I want to believe he had no regrets.

God has plans for each of us. Father reminds me how important perspective is. It may sound simplistic, but, count your blessings rather than your regrets. Father had me write down those things I did right and well, things that made me feel good about myself. I had a tough time at first. But, he made me keep thinking about it. He suggested daily examination of conscience, and encouraged me to write down the good things I felt I did in the course of the day, and to see the positives as well as the negatives.

It sounds to me that your actions are on the right track, with your work with children. Your heart and mind need to catch up with your actions. Pray about it. Ask God what He wants from you, and spend some time in silence, and listen. Yes, that was a struggle for me, too. God blessed my priest with great patience!

I walk the Stations of the Cross and remember the sufferings of Jesus and His Mother.

God loves you and wants you to be healed. You are in my prayers. I don’t know if any of this is helpful. I know that feeling helpless to change things is a terrible burden. Father has said, “Let it go” many times!!

Someone shared this with me:

LET GO AND LET GOD!

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
“How can you be so slow?”
“My child,” He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

God bless,
Linda

Thank you, Linda. Your words and particuarly the poem brought me to tears.

Micki

 

[LindaSK]

Thank you, Linda. Your words and particuarly the poem brought me to tears.

Micki

You are welcome. Take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless,
Linda

 

[puzzleannie]

I’ve made some seriously sinful choices in my life. I’ve received and accepted God’s forgiveness but the regrets linger–sometimes very bitter regrets. Why do I still have these feelings? Why haven’t they gone when I accepted God’s forgiveness? I feel that they get between me and the Lord and I don’t know what to do about it.
Micki

you may be experiencing the virtue of compunction, kind of turbo contrition. Often with a sin of which we have already repented and been absolved, some time later even years we suddenly gain a new understanding of the depth of the sin, come face to face with some of the damage caused by that sin, now understand more fully why it was wrong in the first place, or we have not dealth with the interpersonal issues tied to that sinful situation, and need healing for them.

For instance if it was sexual sin involving another person, a renewed care for their well-being may be the source of the feelings, or a realization we have not done all we can to deal with the after-effects or consequences of our actions upon other people.

sometimes it can come in the course of coming closer to Jesus in meditating on the mysteries of his life and sacrifice for us, and a new, deeper understanding of his love and mercy, so the old feelings arise so we can present them again for the rain of mercy.

Sometimes there is some ego, if you could call it that, kind of picking at a scab or old scar, reliving the sin looking for some of the pleasure associated with it. Or it can mean ego in another way, thinking I am such a great sinner nobody’s sins are worse than mine (like my surgery or my car accident was much more serious than yours kind of thinking).

since you have not a source of spiritual direction at this time, it is always good to turn to the masters, and to the tried and true, meditating on Christ and his passion before the crucifix or the blessed Sacrament.

 

[purplesunshine]

If you still feel called to have a young adult in your life I’d go down to the counseling center at a local college or even a parish and tell them that you’d like to help out a student…one of those students who has had everything against them, has had to leave their family, and is struggling to make ends meet. There ARE SO MANY young adults in this situation…young adults who don’t smoke, drink or sleep around, who are REALLY GREAT people. Who have no where to go when the dorms close for holidays and couch surf or are literally homeless and sleep in a shelter. Take it from someone who snuck many a friend in the dorm and let them stay when they were between apartments or applying for housing and it wasn’t working out.

I also know several families who opened their homes and couldn’t be happier with their decisions. Some had big families and didn’t enjoy the quiet now that their kids were grown, some had little kids and liked having someone living in the house as an extra set of eyes and ears, and some were like you, regretfully childless.

 

[Spencerian]

Father Vincent Serpa recently answered a question about sin and regret that might be of interest in this Ask an Apologist thread.

 

[John_Russell_Jr]

My dear friend

A possible answer is you haven’t forgiven yourself. The cause of this may be pride too. But usually we have to forgive ourselves and not just receive foregiveness.

There is a famous story from St Margaret Mary the saint of the sacred heart devotion. After she started receiving the revelations and talking to her spiritual director for a while. He decided to test her and asked her the next time she saw Jesus to ask Jesus what his last mortal sin was. She did and when she next saw the director he asked the answer. She said Jesus said he doesn’t remember. The director was shocked and realised its because he had the sin absolved.

That’s how it is with God. When He forgives He forgets. We must forgive ourselves and forget the sin too. What’s the use of carrying that baggage with us. So that’s what I think it is. Hope it helps.

God bless you and pray for this sinner please:thumbsup:

John