Rehash old sins to explain husband's illness

[hershey]

My husband has mental health issues, he says it is partly my fault since I had an affair around 20 years ago. I have confessed my sins but now we have a brand new priest again. Do I need to explain to him why my husband is so troubled and why I have a hard time dealing with how he is. My husband is on many different medications, but still has anxiety/depression/alcohol issues. When he drinks too much, he brings up the past, which causes me to get angry. It’s an endless circle.
Our last priest, I did explain what had happened in the past, and it seemed like ever since that confession, the priest was distant with me. I don’t want that to happen again, but it seems like I need to explain why all of this is happening.

 

[Elizabeth3]

Maybe find a spiritual director who is not your parish priest who can guide you in your marriage instead?

Is it you or your husband who is talking to the parish priest about your situation? or both of you?

Perhaps a spiritual director could help you with what and how much you should tell your priest.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

You should discuss this with your husband’s physician or counselor. There is no need to tell your pastor about the old affair, if already confessed. Don’t worry about people judging you, or imagining motives. People often shy away from those with mental health issues, perhaps wrongly.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Your actions can cause mental illness as much as your actions can cause appendicitis.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

Do you mean in Confession? I’m not sure why this would even be necessary. I have given a detail or two about the nature of the my relationship with The Husband in my own confessions, but only the minimum necessary to properly frame the circumstances of the current sin that I’m confessing. It takes maybe ten seconds or so. If Father needs more info, he’ll ask.

If, on the other hand, you are seeking guidance in your marriage, the confessional might not be the best place to obtain that. Spiritual direction separate from Confession and/or counseling (with, or if necessary, without your husband) would likely be more effective.

 

[MaryEstelle2]

As you went to confession(I assume) and received absolution(again I assume)you don’t need to take it further with Fr. Confessor. Counseling would be good for both of you. People with mental health issues often try to shift the blame of their mental problems onto the shoulders/back, of others so that they do not feel their behavior as heavily-part of the cycle of dealing with their problems or reactions. Drinking while on medication is a really big no-no. I wish you well, but after 20 years, I think ‘a second coming’ of Saint Rita would be wonderful-pray, pray, pray. We will pray for you and your husband. Peace.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

This is a complicated matter

• your sin has been forgiven you don’t need to confess again
• your husband’s mental health is NOT your responsibility
• you should find an al-anon. It’s AA but for family members
• you should go to therepy to ensure you are not being verbally/mentally abused. You don’t have enough here to indicate you are, but there’s many red flags that concern me.

 

[hershey]

Thank you all. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. This was my first post so it was hard to write it out. Yes during confession time. I thought I needed to explain to the new priest why I get so angry at my husband. But yes I have confessed & been absolved by a wonderful caring priest years ago.
I thought once it would be useful to go to some consoluling but my husband doesn’t think clearly enough to even carry a conversation. We will be married for 43 years this year so it definitely is for better or worse.
I have God more in my life and leading a much more faithful life since my downfall when younger.

 

[adgloriam]

Your actions can cause mental illness as much as your actions can cause appendicitis.

Yes ones actions can cause anxiety and depression to someone else. Some actions can be deeply troubling and disturbing. And breaking the marriage vows is bound to have an effect on your spouse. And yes, immediate depression normally follows, a sense of the world caving in on you. Your life is supposed to be centered on Christ and on the family. If you suddenly take the family away -or place the family under threat by causing loss of trust- only a very mature person (or utterly insensitive&uncaring) could not be disturbed by that.

 

[adgloriam]

• your husband’s mental health is NOT your responsibility

Although not complete -the other party has freedom- you hold partial responsibility for your spouse. And with mature charity comes the will and desire to be responsible for the other. [This is Karol Wojtyla in “Love and Responsibility”.]

Now, given mental illness: only a very knowledgeable person would have psychological knowledge on how to handle it correctly - which is always challenging. But that is not therapy, only dealing with the person of your family you love. Therapy should always be conducted by a professional not a family member. It does help if the one knows some psychology and how to correctly deal with mental illness or personality disturbance.

you should go to therepy to ensure you are not being verbally/mentally abused.

To know exactly what abuse consists off is a good starting point [ you recommended a book about it a couple of months ago that I found somewhat inadequate and exagerated - being on the NYTimes means trendiness more than quality ]. Because, you’ll hardly find only one party being abusive. It tends to be a mutual cycle of aggression action/reaction. And the clear identification of the (let’s not call it abuse but aggression mechanisms/techniques and their psychological effects serves also to break the link in the chain of violence on our side -not letting ourselves be affected- to start with both in causing and effects.

When he drinks too much

This needs to stop. There is no use drinking. Substance dependence is a terrible thing to interrupt. It heavily affects the person, to some extant your husband is not himself.

the priest was distant with me.

Some priest don’t have a real knack for confession. It is not your fault. A priest in the image of Jesus does not reject the repented sinner, nor make judgement, nor hold untold preconceptions. You may be right, or the priest might himself be going through a tough time. Don’t think to much of it - he is only a priest who might not know how to deal with such a situation.

My husband is on many different medications, but still has anxiety/depression/alcohol issues.

I am sorry to hear your husband is sick. Don’t give in to wrath. It is not only a work of mercy, it is a beatitude!, to care for those who are infirm.

he says it is partly my fault

Here is a catch. We are each responsible for our own actions. And our actions do have effects on others - and might tip them over the edge. A person may very well not be able to deal with infidelity. But at one point all need to assume their own responsibility, to forgive, to heal, to love.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Your actions can cause mental illness as much as your actions can cause appendicitis.

If this was true there won’t be situational depression.

However, after many years you are correct. The situation has ended. His depression and mental illness can no longer be blamed on the situation.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

To know exactly what abuse consists off is a good starting point [you recommended a book about it a couple of months ago that I found somewhat inadequate and exagerated - being on the NYTimes means trendiness more than quality]. Because, you’ll hardly find only one party being abusive. It tends to be a mutual cycle of aggression action/reaction. And the clear identification of the (let’s not call it abuse but aggression mechanisms/techniques and their psychological effects serves also to break the link in the chain of violence on our side -not letting ourselves be affected- to start with both in causing and effects.

The only book I’ve recommended on the regular is one by Conrad Baars, who is hardly an NYT bestseller.

Remember, I’m different than Xantippe.

You only quoted half of what I said. I recommened she seek professional help to ensure abuse is not ongoing. The fact that this occurs when he’s drinking means that it is more likely to be on him and not some sort of cycle with the OP.

 

[adgloriam]

adgloriam:

To know exactly what abuse consists off is a good starting point [you recommended a book about it a couple of months ago that I found somewhat inadequate and exagerated - being on the NYTimes means trendiness more than quality]. Because, you’ll hardly find only one party being abusive. It tends to be a mutual cycle of aggression action/reaction. And the clear identification of the (let’s not call it abuse but aggression mechanisms/techniques and their psychological effects serves also to break the link in the chain of violence on our side -not letting ourselves be affected- to start with both in causing and effects.

The only book I’ve recommended on the regular is one by Conrad Baars, who is hardly an NYT bestseller.

Remember, I’m different than Xantippe.

You only quoted half of what I said. I recommened she seek professional help to ensure abuse is not ongoing. The fact that this occurs when he’s drinking means that it is more likely to be on him and not some sort of cycle with the OP.

I’m very sorry @Xanthippe_Voorhees , please accept my apology. It was the other Xantippe (back then I thought you were the same person.)

And yes, therapy might be the right choice. But I sense from the OP there is still something left to be said between the couple before that. That past mistakes can not be undone, that not only was the act regrettable but so also were it’s consequences. That a person is indeed responsible for himself, and yet might not be able to deal and cope with such a tremendous shock. And, nevertheless, it is time to forgive and mend (and together regret both the harm and its consequences) that have been done.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I’m very sorry @Xanthippe_Voorhees , please accept my apology. It was the other Xantippe (back then I thought you were the same person.)

And yes, therapy might be the right choice. But I sense from the OP there is still something left to be said between the couple before that. That past mistakes can not be undone, that not only was the act regrettable but so also were it’s consequences. That a person is indeed responsible for himself, and yet might not be able to deal and cope with such a tremendous shock. And, nevertheless, it is time to forgive and mend (and together regret both the harm and its consequences) that have been done.

I would say the same if it wasn’t for the drinking. Substance abuse crosses a line that requires professional help. Given that the OP claims that this behavior only occurs when her husband is drinking it raises my concern and red flag level signifigantly.

 

[adgloriam]

adgloriam:

I’m very sorry @Xanthippe_Voorhees , please accept my apology. It was the other Xantippe (back then I thought you were the same person.)

And yes, therapy might be the right choice. But I sense from the OP there is still something left to be said between the couple before that. That past mistakes can not be undone, that not only was the act regrettable but so also were it’s consequences. That a person is indeed responsible for himself, and yet might not be able to deal and cope with such a tremendous shock. And, nevertheless, it is time to forgive and mend (and together regret both the harm and its consequences) that have been done.

I would say the same if it wasn’t for the drinking. Substance abuse crosses a line that requires professional help. Given that the OP claims that this behavior only occurs when her husband is drinking it raises my concern and red flag level signifigantly.

When he drinks too much, he brings up the past, which causes me to get angry. It’s an endless circle.

The OP needs to understand the depth of those wounds. It is high time to get over the past. Apparently the one recurring subject, and remarkably the one that causes the OP wrath - more than the booze it is the subject. Almost paradoxical. What could have been, what should have been, what was, and what is.

 

[1ke]

I thought I needed to explain to the new priest why I get so angry at my husband.

No you do not need to explain. Simply saying “I got angry with my husband X times” is sufficient for confession.