Rejection because of SSA

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I was wondering if anyone could give me advice, perhaps they have experience of what I am about to say…

I am a young man who believes and accepts all that the Church teaches. I also suffer from same-sex attraction, more commonly known as homosexuality or ‘being gay’.

I reject those latter two title. As I see it, I suffer from unwanted SSA which is a problem that can be addressed. I am in the process of doing just that with a Christian psychiatrist.

However, my parents and the rest of my family do not realise that this is an issue for me. Whilst they understand that I have ‘problems’, having been bullied at school and suffering from much anxiety and other issues, they do not realise the exact nature of my problem.

I overheard my mother say to my father ‘the last thing I’d want would be a gay son’. This was after a row we’d had when I mentioned the names and slurs I’d been called at school and suggesting to my parents that they thought I was gay too and so on…

I think I actually would like them to know, because then they might see how much I am hurting, but at the same time I recognise this desire, at least partly, as a desire to hurt them and not so much about getting a bit of understanding, which would be nice. However, my parents and family have a very much secular and distorted understanding of the nature of homosexuality, rather than the truth of things which I, as an enlightened, catechised Catholic, have.

I have no interest whatsoever in the gay lifestyle. I embrace the Church teachings which I hold to be the Truth about the human person and his destiny.

I am concerned though, since tonight, during a conversation with my mother, she suggested that my absence at a recent family get together would be noticed, as would my problems in general, and that my brother’s girlfriend, my sister in law, and my brothers, might suspect I was gay… As it happens, I was seeing my psychiatrist that day and I couldn’t miss my appointment. If only they all knew the truth. Interesting that my mother should make that comment, isn’t it? I think, possibly, this might have come about through something my brother might have said to her. I had an argument with my brother the day before. He called me a right-wing fascist (I’d expressed support for the work of Opus Dei, having a friend who is a member), and he also rejects the Pope and the Church moral teachings on various issue. I kind-of lost it with him and started saying some other things, then he commented that I seemed fixated on the gay issue. I didn’t know which way to look and I left the room asap. Now what anyone would make of that… I can only guess. I think he smelled a rat, and perhaps he made the comment to my mother, because I know he told my mother that we did have an argument.

Anyway, I guess what I am asking is this: how should I deal with this issue? If I was to tell my family and parents, they would be devastated and ashamed. Whilst by no means devout Catholics, they would have a natural revulsion to such a revelation and, with their secular, distorted understanding of the nature of homosexuality, I’d be afraid that they would reject me, as a person, given what I have heard my mother say to my father, when they thought they were alone.
 
I kind of get the feeling your family may suspect you are ‘gay’ but no one wants to come out and say it or they deny it because they are afraid. Like it’s the elephant in the room everyone is ignoring.

It’s good you are seeing a psychiatrist who is helping you. If it was me, I would ask my doctor to facilitate a family meeting when the time is right. But that’s just my opinion and not advice.

Welcome to CAF and good luck.
 
I think you can teach a left handed person to use his right hand, but you can never make him right handed.
 
Zmurf said:
I was wondering if anyone could give me advice, perhaps they have experience of what I am about to say…

I am a young man who believes and accepts all that the Church teaches. I also suffer from same-sex attraction, more commonly known as homosexuality or ‘being gay’.

I reject those latter two title. As I see it, I suffer from unwanted SSA which is a problem that can be addressed. I am in the process of doing just that with a Christian psychiatrist.

However, my parents and the rest of my family do not realise that this is an issue for me. Whilst they understand that I have ‘problems’, having been bullied at school and suffering from much anxiety and other issues, they do not realise the exact nature of my problem.

I overheard my mother say to my father ‘the last thing I’d want would be a gay son’. This was after a row we’d had when I mentioned the names and slurs I’d been called at school and suggesting to my parents that they thought I was gay too and so on…

I think I actually would like them to know, because then they might see how much I am hurting, but at the same time I recognise this desire, at least partly, as a desire to hurt them and not so much about getting a bit of understanding, which would be nice. However, my parents and family have a very much secular and distorted understanding of the nature of homosexuality, rather than the truth of things which I, as an enlightened, catechised Catholic, have.

I have no interest whatsoever in the gay lifestyle. I embrace the Church teachings which I hold to be the Truth about the human person and his destiny.

I am concerned though, since tonight, during a conversation with my mother, she suggested that my absence at a recent family get together would be noticed, as would my problems in general, and that my brother’s girlfriend, my sister in law, and my brothers, might suspect I was gay… As it happens, I was seeing my psychiatrist that day and I couldn’t miss my appointment. If only they all knew the truth. Interesting that my mother should make that comment, isn’t it? I think, possibly, this might have come about through something my brother might have said to her. I had an argument with my brother the day before. He called me a right-wing fascist (I’d expressed support for the work of Opus Dei, having a friend who is a member), and he also rejects the Pope and the Church moral teachings on various issue. I kind-of lost it with him and started saying some other things, then he commented that I seemed fixated on the gay issue. I didn’t know which way to look and I left the room asap. Now what anyone would make of that… I can only guess. I think he smelled a rat, and perhaps he made the comment to my mother, because I know he told my mother that we did have an argument.

Anyway, I guess what I am asking is this: how should I deal with this issue? If I was to tell my family and parents, they would be devastated and ashamed. Whilst by no means devout Catholics, they would have a natural revulsion to such a revelation and, with their secular, distorted understanding of the nature of homosexuality, I’d be afraid that they would reject me, as a person, given what I have heard my mother say to my father, when they thought they were alone.
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Dear Brother in Christ, Grace to you and peace from God our Father & the Lord Jesus Christ

I don’t struggle with the problem of SSA but I do struggle with other sexual sins. Now before you try and confront your parents I would advise you to pray the rosary every day. I can not stress enough the importance of going to Our Blessed Mother for help in fighting against the temptations of the flesh (whether they concern SSA or other sexual impurities…) and remaining chaste. I would also recommend that you go to confession frequently & recieve the eucharist frequently. Unite yourself to the Lord’s cross!
“Come to me all ye that labour and are burdened and I will give you rest” - Matthew 11:28

I’m not sure if it would be the best idea to confront your parents right away (before doing the above) because of the fact they are not devout catholics (as you claim)…pray for your parents and always honor them… remember that even if they may not understand the burden you bear you must always respect them

I’ll keep you in my prayers

God Bless,
Zachary
 
I’m sorry you’re facing this reaction from your family and others 😦 I think that’s great that you’re trying to follow the Church’s teachings 👍 I think if I were in this situation, I wouldn’t speak about it for now and I’d just pray and let things take their course. Unless you have an obligation to tell your family, you don’t necessarily need to. If they find out, maybe you can explain to them the Church teaching or give them an article to read, if having a discussion would be difficult? Prayers for your situation…

God bless!
 
Hi Zmurf. What a beautiful and insightful post! You have a maturity in the Catholic faith well beyond your years.

The only advise I can give you is that there is no moral obligation to tell your parents, now, in the near future, or ever. You are being honest with yourself, with God, and with anyone else who NEEDS to know. With others, do whatever protects yourself and your own peace of mind.

Young people tend to feel uncomfortable with hiding things and to have a sense of “cowardice” or “hypocricy” when they don’t tell the whole truth. With maturity, and practice, it becomes a lot easier.

If you were living a “gay” lifestyle then it would be a different matter, as this would be an explosion waiting to happen, but you are not, so take your own time.

Best wishes with it all,

Edmundus
 
Thanks everyone for your kind replies.

Edmundus: I am two years under 30!!! Hope your compliment still stands!

I am thinking that there is a very real possibility that someone in my family will ask me outright ‘Are you gay?’

This seems to me a distinct possibility and there is a change of ‘climate’ within my family whereby somebody will ask this question. I am struggling to come up with a suitable answer. These are some of my options:
  1. No (a lie or the truth?)
  2. Yes (I don’t think so somehow!)
  3. I am not prepared to answer that question (=Yes, I might be/am gay)
  4. That is what the bullies said too. Are you a bully? Why would you ask me that?
  5. Ignore the question.
  6. Your suggestion
I don’t self-identify as a homosexual or gay. I am a young man created by God who happens to have been wounded in a deep way. Why should I play into secular ideology by accepting some kind of label so people can judge me, box me and condemn me, for something I did not choose. I have never acted out physically with another man and I have no intention of doing so for it is a very grave sin. Where I live, there is growing tolerance for that lifestyle but at the same time the old natural (and normal, dare I say it) prejudice against the behaviour remains, yet people are unable to separate a disordered inclination (as the Church understands it) from an orientation that will probably find its expression in physical acting out (since our society understands human beings to be little more than animals).

I have a habit of blushing whenever difficult questions or situations arrive, for example dinner table conversations where the subject of homosexuality comes up, which has happened in the past. I think I would need a sound reply for any family member who might ask. I think it is an unfair question but I am unsure how I would answer it. Any ideas?

EDIT: Also, I have never had a girlfriend. Although I am actually attracted to girls, I think I have enough on my plate with this problem and I don’t need further complications. Plus I want to be a good Catholic and may choose lifelong celibacy in chastity as my way of life. Not having or seemingly having no interest in girls, is however, a red flag for others.
 
Hi Zmurf,

perhaps you could emphasise the importance of your faith and tell people that you wish to lead a celibate life. Your family may not understand the value of celibacy and what it means for Catholics so be ready to answer some questions.
If someone asked you if you were gay you could say that you find the question embarassing and would prefer not to discuss your private matters in such a way. You’re an adult and deserve to be treated as such. If pressed, I’d avoid the conversation because things can go out of hand when people are emotional and want to get things out in the open. Saying something like ‘I really don’t want to discuss my sex life with you’ and leaving the room might be a way of dealing with it for the moment.
I’m not in your shoes but I know what it’s like to have family obsess over some issues and how hard it is to keep one’s dignity when faced with it all.
Definitely pray the rosary and ask for God’s protection and guidance. Things work out when we put ourselves in His hands.

Best of luck!👍
 
I certainly agree with Edmundus’ post, as well as praying the rosary.

And, yes, you’re still a very insightful young man.

Only on a NEED to know basis should someone ask about anyone’s sexual preference, especially since they’re not in a relationship anyway. Someone is not gay unless they are living that lifestyle. Some people are just not interested in sex, does that mean they’re gay because they don’t have a lovelife?

Once someone reveals their preference to the public, it can never be taken back, so I would tread carefully.

Let me tell you a story, at one point, my cousin declared to me that she liked girls. Now we were only 20 at the time, but my reaction then was “OK, but I still love you”. We lost touch over the years, but I’ve finally found her through “Face Book”… I’m a late bloomer 🙂

Anyway, she now has a “male partner” and two children. Although it’s been years since she told me about her SSA, I now question the relationship. You see where I’m going with that?

Had she not told me her tendencies a long time ago, I would only question her living with someone rather than her sexuality as well. What she told me can’t be taken back. How many others know of her tendencies? For all I know, she worked through a difficult time in her life, and learned to let go somehow, and now she may have a completely normal attraction to men and barely any for women.

Let’s say the work through your therapy made you discover that the only reason you are SSA is that you were bullied so much and your subconscious decided that “If they say it, I’ll make it so” (Now I don’t know if that type of thing happens but I’m pretending". Then, you find that you can honestly learn to love women and be attracted to them. You find a woman that you adore and want to marry, but alas, your family knows that you’re SSA because you told them before. What questions and “gossip” would you and your new wife have to suffer?

I say wait and pray, then see where this all brings you.
 
I agree with others that it is your personal business and you have a right to your privacy as an adult. But it sounds like you think the issue is going to be forced on you and you are uncertain of how to handle it if it is. The fact that you are already under a doctor’s care for this issue seems to me to make that the best place to get advice.
 
Aww, I’m sorry about your sufferings. It can be a hard cross. There is noting wrong with SSA only homosexual ACTS. Remember that. People either are ignorant or ignore this fact. The Church does not consider SSA a sin, b/c you cannot control that. Only actions. Its hard but you deserve acceptance and love from family. friends, and society. And of course the Church. Pray to our lady as well. Remember that God loves you very much, no less because of your SSA, ok?

Oh and I must comend you for being strong. I know lots of people who would choose to live a “gay lifestyle.” I have nothing against those people, but I know there actions are wrong. You are not doing it despite your SSA, which is hard. Good for you:thumbsup:

God Bless.
 
Thanks again for the replies.

You know, I agree with the idea of keeping my personal details personal. I have only shared this information with my psychiatrist, therapists, and priests in confession and spiritual direction. Oh, and you guys as well, but you do not know who I am so that’s ok!

I’m thinking that to be asked that question would be most unfair, but the question could come. As I said, I think I do desire the family and parents to know, but I think it would be something I would come to regret in a major way.

So I still am not sure what I would say. I suppose I could say ‘‘I am attracted to girls.’’ That is not a lie. I am attracted to girls, but I also have this SSA. But should I even say I am attracted to girls? My concern though, would be by not answering the question, you kind-of are answering it, in the affirmative?

EDIT: Also, as I said before, I am quite bashful - if I was asked this question, my body language, my eyes, my facial expression, my speechlessness alone could give the game away!
 
Zmurf said:
Thanks everyone for your kind replies.

Edmundus: I am two years under 30!!! Hope your compliment still stands!

I am thinking that there is a very real possibility that someone in my family will ask me outright ‘Are you gay?’

This seems to me a distinct possibility and there is a change of ‘climate’ within my family whereby somebody will ask this question. I am struggling to come up with a suitable answer. These are some of my options:
  1. No (a lie or the truth?)
  2. Yes (I don’t think so somehow!)
  3. I am not prepared to answer that question (=Yes, I might be/am gay)
  4. That is what the bullies said too. Are you a bully? Why would you ask me that?
  5. Ignore the question.
  6. Your suggestion
I don’t self-identify as a homosexual or gay. I am a young man created by God who happens to have been wounded in a deep way. Why should I play into secular ideology by accepting some kind of label so people can judge me, box me and condemn me, for something I did not choose. I have never acted out physically with another man and I have no intention of doing so for it is a very grave sin. Where I live, there is growing tolerance for that lifestyle but at the same time the old natural (and normal, dare I say it) prejudice against the behaviour remains, yet people are unable to separate a disordered inclination (as the Church understands it) from an orientation that will probably find its expression in physical acting out (since our society understands human beings to be little more than animals).

I have a habit of blushing whenever difficult questions or situations arrive, for example dinner table conversations where the subject of homosexuality comes up, which has happened in the past. I think I would need a sound reply for any family member who might ask. I think it is an unfair question but I am unsure how I would answer it. Any ideas?

EDIT: Also, I have never had a girlfriend. Although I am actually attracted to girls, I think I have enough on my plate with this problem and I don’t need further complications. Plus I want to be a good Catholic and may choose lifelong celibacy in chastity as my way of life. Not having or seemingly having no interest in girls, is however, a red flag for others.
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If the person’s someone you love/care about, and you care about what they think of you, well, I’d tell them what you said here.
If they love you and accept you, then, they’d accept your explanation, I’d think.

Anyone else? It’s none of their business, plain and simple, and I would politely tell them so.
 
Keep them guessing!

They know that you are a practicing Catholic. Let them see you attending mass regularly, even on weekdays, going to confession, praying the rosary, going to Catholic groups, listening to Catholic music, avoiding unholy entertainment, etc, etc…

Also, dedicate yourself to your work and/or hobbies. Work harder, and do better, than they expect.

They will be wondering whether your singleness is because you are SSA, and/or considering a vocation, and/or “too religious”, and or “too serious”.

Don’t give the slightest bit of information, even a “blush” (yeh - I know, very hard), to satisfy their curiousity.

Sorry if this seems like “To avoid admitting being ssa, develop a cover up lifestyle.” No, it’s more like - work towards a good, healthy, holy lifestyle, because that’s what you want anyway, but, having it, use it, without scruples, to deflect unwelcome intrusion in your privacy.

And, I applaud your maturity, and thank God for it! 🙂 I suffered a small amount of bullying at school, including for being “gay”, and it traumatised me, and affected my judgement for years. I can’t imagine how I would have survived any serious bullying - you have done very, very well.

Best wishes, :gopray2:

Edmundus
 
Oh, and another suggestion. This seems to have become a problem with your family when you discussed your school bullying with them. That suggestion probably came out of therapy, and was a good suggestion as a once-off. It has caused problems, so you might want to be careful about sharing any further therapy with your family.
 
Lutheranteach said:
I think you can teach a left handed person to use his right hand, but you can never make him right handed.
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Are you serious?? :mad:

SSA is an actual health problem, it is not normal! The OP is doing a very good and brave thing. There are a fair number of men who have gone through the same thing, and who have recovered with help from doctors and other people.

To the OP, I say good luck! You are doing a very courageous thing! I wish the best for you.

God bless.
 
Your answer to your family is that you are a chaste young man. You can tell them you are attracted to girls (as you said in a post). There - end of story.

Prayers for you.
 
Alexander_Smith said:
Are you serious?? :mad:

SSA is an actual health problem, it is not normal! The OP is doing a very good and brave thing. There are a fair number of men who have gone through the same thing, and who have recovered with help from doctors and other people.

To the OP, I say good luck! You are doing a very courageous thing! I wish the best for you.

God bless.
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Pray for Lutherans… their theology is distorted ( they believe that once saved always saved…i.e. it doesnt matter what you do)… to quote Martin Luther "Be a sinner and sin boldly"" which is obviously contrary to scripture… (Go and sin no more…)

Yours in Christ,
Zachary
 
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