Relationship advice, dating a non-catholic person

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Well I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 6 months and everything is great. I like her alot and I could definitely see myself marring her down the road, if our relationship progresses the way it has the past 6 months. The only concern that I have is that she is not Catholic. She was born and raised protestant and she is very strong in her religion. Around our 2nd month of dating we both sat down and discussed this issue regarding dating someone outside our religion. I told her that I was comfortable with dating someone not of my religious beliefs and so did she. However now that our relationship has progressed further I wonder about how we would handle this situation if we were to get married and have kids. I know as a Catholic I have a responsibility to raise my children in the Catholic faith, but what if she feels she has the same obligation for her faith? I was just wondering if there are couples on this forum that are of different faiths and how they dealt with that issue. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

Nick
 
My wife was Catholic and I was not when we got married. But I am now 😃 . But yes you would have to discuss this before serios thought of marriage though.
 
Hi tamc,

I recommend you seriously think about this. When people enter into a relationship together they tend to have all these idealistic views that love can overcome anything, especially in the beginning. This is most often not the case. You really have to decide what is more important to you, your faith or this other person. Catholicism and Protestantism have some key fundamental differances and I think it is important that you two really explore these together and discuss them. Don’t forget that even if she decides to accept bringing up the children in the faith right now, after marriage she may decide to change her mind and then what do you do? As a Catholic you cannot divorce but if you renounce your faith and take up hers to keep peace in your home, you will be guilty of heresy (remember, Protestantism broke off from the one true Catholic Church, not vice versa).

I am in a mixed marriage. My wife was baptized but was not raised in any faith and described herself as agnostic when we married. Luckily for me, she has done an almost complete turn around but could have easily gone the other way. I will keep you two in my prayers and hope everthing works out for the best.

P.S.: Remember, always seek to do God’s will first and he will bless you. Pray about this often and ask yourself, is this the person God wants me to marry or the person I want to marry?
 
Nick,

Now is definitely the time to discuss and work out these difficult issues. Better to go your separate ways now if that is necessary. But you both need to be very honest and open about what you are willing and unwilling to compromise. Somethings may be deal breakers for either one of you.

Emmaus
 
Nick,

Please take your time and discern this carefully with lots of prayer and the advice of a good priest. You may be very lucky and win another convert to the Faith, but things could just as easily work out another way.

I am in a mixed marriage that causes both of us great pain. My husband was baptised and raised in a devout Baptist family. As soon as he could leave home, he turned his back completely on the practice of his faith. I was also raised a Protestant, and practiced faithfully. After our marriage, I had a conversion of heart and became a Catholic. He did not interfere or support me in this decision. I could best describe him as totally indifferent.

He did not object to my raising our children as Catholics, but he did not actively support it either. It’s more correct to say that he has subtly undermined that effort. Years worth of snide comments about Catholics, and making a point not to join us at Sunday Mass, have taken their toll on me and our kids.

Nick, I would not wish this way of living on anyone. I am devoted to the Church, and terribly lonely. My children are confused, and my oldest teenager is starting to be rebellious in his father’s footsteps. Of course, our story is not over, and I pray every day for my husband’s conversion. St. Monica is one of my best friends in heaven. I am not giving up, but I am often sad and miserable.

Please be careful, and I will pray for you. Mary
 
As a strong atheist the fact that religion is obviously dividing us as human beings instead of uniting us as equals really disgusts me. I thought that religion was a way of creating a better world, but obviously it is only creating problems and heartache. What is wrong with individuals having different beliefs and opinions? If everybody thought the same we would not be individuals, we would be slaves to religion. In my mind that is a very ugly world. The thought of two people that are in love being seperated only because of different beliefs is apalling and quite unbelievable! In my opinion the religious denominations are ugly as they are isolating people from each other and denying happiness.

Feanaro - Would you still love your wife as you do now if she was an atheist? If not I do not understand why, that would be very superficial.

Mary3- Your faith is obviously causing you grief. I think it is so sad that religion is effecting your life in such a negative way as it is leading you to isolate yourself from your husband only because he is not Catholic. As an atheist I could accept religon if it created more positive effects, but seeing it making you lonely and miserable is really upsetting.

I do not understand people who live their life for God, always seeking his acceptance. God seems to me here more like a dictator than a creator so why do so many people follow him? It saddens me to see people waste their lives following the rules of something that doesn’t exist. We only have one life, it is important to make it a happy one.

Nick, even though I do not believe in God, my advice to you is to believe what you want to believe as long as it makes you happy. Is it worth losing your love and to be miserable on the off chance that there is an afterlife?
Hope you make the right decision.
 
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formerlyknownas:
I do not understand people who live their life for God, always seeking his acceptance. God seems to me here more like a dictator than a creator so why do so many people follow him? It saddens me to see people waste their lives following the rules of something that doesn’t exist. We only have one life, it is important to make it a happy one.

Nick, even though I do not believe in God, my advice to you is to believe what you want to believe as long as it makes you happy. Is it worth losing your love and to be miserable on the off chance that there is an afterlife?
Hope you make the right decision.
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People who live their life for God will in turn never understand your point of view either. But this is not the point… the original post was from a Catholic. So your advise would be to forget all the religious stuff that is important to them and be more like you. What if the opposite advise were given to you? Every person has to make their own decisions based on a personal belief system. The difference between athiest and religious perspectives is that one serves self and one serves others. I’m sure you can figure out which is which. Does that mean that all athiests are selfish people who don’t care about or help others? No way… just the same that all religious people are not necessarily selfless. But it all comes down to the reason behind the belief. Athiests in general take on the attitude (as you have ) that you live life to be happy. If personal happiness is the only goal, THAT to me seems very superficial…

you wrote:
Is it worth losing your love and to be miserable on the off chance that there is an afterlife?

Again, from the opposite perspective, is it worth losing your soul and eternal life in heaven for the off chance that God does exist? Seems like the bigger gamble to me…
 
I am in a mixed marriage, and it has been difficult since my faith bloomed after marriage. Do not marry this person. That is my frankest advice. I am not saying she is a bad person at all, I do not even know her. But down the road it does cause heartache when you try to be strong in your own faith and teach your children what is true, with no support or help at all. That is where the misery comes in, when you have a marriage partner that is not your FAITH partner, the most important thing in life!!

Formerlyknownas, if you knew what freedom lies in knowing and practicing the Truth, the Truth of the whole universe, the Truth that will endure forever, you would understand how important it would be to have your spouse be your ever-faithful support and encouragement in learning and practicing it. It is indescribably important to a Catholic marriage.
 
I’ve been married to a Protestant for 16 years. I don’t recommend marrying outside of your faith. It’s tough raising your kids Catholic by yourself; especially if you become very involved with your parish. Don’t do it. Save yourself the stress and lonliness!

----Hopeful-
 
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formerlyknownas:
The thought of two people that are in love being seperated only because of different beliefs is apalling and quite unbelievable! In my opinion the religious denominations are ugly as they are isolating people from each other and denying happiness.
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I know this is hard for you as an athiest to understand, but our belief in Christ and our religion is our way of life. It will guide us in most of our decisions. I know that my marriage is stronger because we share the same faith. I wouldn’t be impossible, but it would cause tension and anxiety when children came along.
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formerlyknownas:
Nick, even though I do not believe in God, my advice to you is to believe what you want to believe as long as it makes you happy. Is it worth losing your love and to be miserable on the off chance that there is an afterlife?
Hope you make the right decision.
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Nick, this is meant to be nice to you, but believe me it is not the right advice. Making yourself happy in the short term can make you miserable in the long run. We have eternity to think about. I think your girlfriend sounds very nice and perhaps the two of you could attend some RCIA classes so that she can understand your faith. Who knows, perhaps you could influence her to become Catholic.
 
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formerlyknownas:
Feanaro - Would you still love your wife as you do now if she was an atheist? If not I do not understand why, that would be very superficial.
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  Of course I would still love my wife. Remember, I fell in love with her while she was still agnostic but she displayed an openess to learning about my faith. If she had been a strict athiest I truly believe that I could not have "fallen" in love with her. Instead I would have still treated her in a charitable(loving) way but could not have even considered being married to her. I am speaking from experience in that the emotion of "love" is not always enough to hold a marriage together. Love is also a decision.
As an athiest you are suggesting that religion is responsible for creating division in the world in general and in this situation in particular. But I believe that any difference in opinion or belief can be a cause for division. Take this for example: Two people meet and fall in love. One strongly wants children and the other absolutely does not. From an atheistic point of view neither is more right or wrong than the other, but how could they have a happy marriage? Wouldn’t it be more practical to find a spouse who shares your interests, desires, and dreams?

The original poster is Catholic as am I. If he is like me and has a personal relationship with God, then when you talk about love I will say there is no greater love. Even in the best human relationships, we are still two imperfect people loving eachother to the best of our abilities, but this is only a glimpse of the *perfect *love God has for us.

God is not a dictator, but a loving Father. Otherwise, you would not be free to make the choices that you do. When our Father forbids us from doing something it is because He has our best interest in mind. Just like a human father may make decisions for his child that may be perceived as unfair or overly restrictive, because of the child’s limited knowledge or understanding of the real world. The father makes his decisions to love and protect his child, not to make the child “happy”. True happiness is found when living according to God’s perfect will for us.

P.S. I highly reccomend this site to you:

ex-atheist.com/index.html
 
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formerlyknownas:
Mary3- Your faith is obviously causing you grief. I think it is so sad that religion is effecting your life in such a negative way as it is leading you to isolate yourself from your husband only because he is not Catholic. As an atheist I could accept religon if it created more positive effects, but seeing it making you lonely and miserable is really upsetting.
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Formerly- I’m afraid you have misunderstood me. It is not my Faith that causes me grief. The Catholic Faith is the greatest source of joy and comfort in my life. It is freedom and ultimate Truth. My grief, sadness and loneliness are because I am unable to share this most treasured reality with my life partner.
 
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Mary3:
Formerly- I’m afraid you have misunderstood me. It is not my Faith that causes me grief. The Catholic Faith is the greatest source of joy and comfort in my life. It is freedom and ultimate Truth. My grief, sadness and loneliness are because I am unable to share this most treasured reality with my life partner.
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You tell’m Mary! That was such a rude and naive statement for him (or her) to have made.

I’m in a mixed marriage. Sometimes I get the “I don’t care what your Catholic priests say, I’m not going to [insert varying action here]” but for the most part we work things out. I’m not very vocal about my faith (I’m the ONLY one of any of our friends who is practicing) but he seems to be supportive–he recently came home with a very beautiful crucifix pendant to wear. He also said it was OK for me to hang religious art here and there, including a crucifix over the bed. I pray all the time for his conversion, but I"m not holding my breath…he’s very liberal and will respect my beliefs, but he’s more of an earthy pagan/Native American spiritualist. He is a very, very good man who lives by strict principles of justice so I’d just as soon do it our way rather than being married to a Catholic who happens to be a raging jerk.

But your gf is Protestant…which is a whole 'nother ball of wax. What kind of Protestant is she? Might the words “Mary Worshipper” or “Whore of Babylon” ever slip from her lips? My husband hardly even knows the difference between Catholicism and Protestantism other than what I teach him bit by bit…but you guys might be a little too close on opposing sides for comfort. How old are you, anyways? At any rate, the fact that you posted indicates that you have some doubts, which is completely warranted. Me, I’m glad I didn’t grow up in a mixed household…you guys should talk, and soon!
 
I’ve never dated a faithful, orthodox Catholic girl. I have no idea what it’s like. On occasion when dinners out with my ribald liberal atheist friends become “blue,” inappropriate questions arise. One of them is always, “What’s your wildest fantasy?” My answer is usually, “To date a faithful, orthodox Catholic girl.”

But, I’m also dating a Protestant girl right now. Very devout, very Biblically-centered. And you know what? Tonight we have a hot date to pray the rosary together.

So, miracles can happen–just don’t do anything rash. Don’t marry the girl without your “non-negotiables” discussed at length. If she doesn’t agree to things like NFP and raising the kids Catholic, you’re better off single.
 
Talk to her about the importance of your Catholic faith, and talk to her now. She needs to be aware of what you must have religiously in order to become any closer to her.

Frankly, if she would not agree to convert, I would keep looking. I, like several other responders, married a non-Catholic. It has caused HUGE problems in our marriage. Once children come along, you are going to become very dissatisfied. Marriage is HARD ENOUGH without this BIG wedge between you. I know it’s not big now, but odds are it will become big. Seriously consider this risk you are taking- not only for your future marriage but for your future children.
 
Nick,

I would discuss your faith and your plans for following your faith as well as your plans to teach your faith to any children you have. This is what my husband and I did before we got married. In fact we had discussed it many times, and it helped us grow together, as a couple as well as helping each one of us grow personally.

I was raised in a family with mixed religious backgrounds. Catholic, Baptist, and Methodist…there were at least a few of each in the family. My father, was raised Catholic, my mother was raised Methodist…can I tell you how confused I have been about religion my ENTIRE life…Overall, I followed my heart was telling me…I’m starting RCIA next Monday…I’ll be joining the Church during Easter Vigil…because it is the faith I love…and because this way my children will not have the same confusion in their life…

I love my parents, and they raised me well, and most importantly they support my decision. Some of my extended family had some problems when they found out I was marrying a Catholic man, and I’m sure they are going to have a problem with my conversion, but it is what is best for me, and for the children Tim and I want to have so badly…

I was not commited to my protestant church, because it was not what I really felt drawn to…not the way that I am drawn to the Catholic Church, perhaps your girlfriend is more committed to her faith and that would make the chance of her converting much less likely. But you should discuss it with her, especially if you are worried about it…

Peace be with you,

Jamie
 
Seriously consider what you want your family to look like. My husband was agnostic when we married. I made him promise to go to church with me every Sunday and holy days of obligation and during special sevices during lent and advent. He also had to write an essay on how he could honor our marriage vows said before God. He did it all and continues to abide by our agreements which included raising the children Catholic and sending them to Catholic school.

After many years he did come to believe in God and is now going through RCIA.

Having said all this, it still has been very difficult. When I needed someone to be strong in the faith during a difficult time, I was alone. It was hard. Even though he was raised protestant, I still find times when we at opposites about things I think other Catholics understand and believe. It is just not a common ground we have and I really wish we did. I see other couples who are both Catholic and they seem to share something I know we lack.

Marriage is so much more than how you feel about each other after such a short time. There is no way you can plan for all that will happen over a lifetime. The more you in common to start with helps.
 
Marriage is difficult enough without adding to the burden. A friend of mine is Catholic, and devout; his wife is Baptist, and devout. Every Sunday they attend Mass, then a Baptist service. He has two daughters, who are being raised Baptist. Until you go through that, you cannot know the heartache.

Much is said in the heat of passion; and most is forgotten when pasions have cooled a bit. She may make all sorts of promises; and every one of them may be intended. But when you get down to the nitty gritty of living, things look a lot different; then you hear “Well, I didn’t mean that”, or “I didn’t understand”, or “I changed my mind”.

How are you going to feel getting up and going to Mass alone (as you well might be)? Do you have any idea what it is like to have something as important and deep as your faith not shared with someone as close to you as your spouse (and perhaps never shared)?

What about going to two churchs? Do you really think that you can sustain that faithfully for 20, 30, 40 50 or more years? Or will it be just too hard, and you’ll quit?

What about when there are other activities other than Mass? How will you deal with resentment if you wish to be involved more in your church, and she sees that as more time away from her (and the kids)?

And how are you really going to answer those questions, if the kids see the split? Which side will they be on? Given that faith goes to the heart, not the head, and given that mom is the heart, how will you deal with that dynamic?

The old saw: woman marries a man, and thinks he will change. Man marries a woman, and thinks she won’t change… You had best pay attention to that old folk wisdom; it came from painful experience…
 
Do you want one more person’s advice on this matter? A mixed marriage is a very difficult, heart-wrenching life to live. My husband is Protestant, with no thoughts of conversion. Our first big decision was where to get married. He would not be married in a Catholic church, and I refused to be married in a Protestant church. You would think that this would have given a glimmer of what was to come in our marriage! We struggled for years to decide which church to attend on Sundays…so we went for quite a while not going to church at all, simply because neither of us would budge! And since we agreed that we needed to attend church together, this was not an easy obstacle. Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back…I got pregnant. Now we realized that we had to get the child baptised, and start practicing a faith…together. My husband allowed our child to be baptised in the Catholic Church, and we now attend a Catholic Church. But I cannot say we are “united” in our faith. And soon we will face more obstacles such as which school to send our children to.

All this being said, I love my husband very much. We have a wonderful marriage, and I cannot image not being married to him.
This is a decision not to be taken lightly. Good luck!
 
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