Relationship Advice for a College Student

[karea]

Hello all, (this is a bit long)

I’m a 21 year old college student (graduating next year) and am in a serious relationship with a wonderful 25 year old man.

We have known each other for 2 years, been dating for a little over a year now. He is my first and only boyfriend I have had (I do not date ‘just to date’, I only looked for potential serious relationships).

He just graduated before me (went to my university) and has a great job but wants to continue his schooling, while I want to work and pay off some of my staggering loans after college. This is cool, our plans match up well since we are both interested in moving to the east coast (we live on the west coast).

We have had time apart–I studied abroad in Europe for four months in the fall. While it was hard, we stayed in contact daily and somehow got even closer than before I left.

He is everything I have ever wanted in a man- religious, smart, funny, athletic, handsome, and so sweet. We go on dates to the ballet and theater, watch movies, have Bible studies together, discuss current news, and really enjoy each other’s company.

We are very compatible in religious beliefs, political opinions (though we disagree sometimes and have fun debates), similar views on raising children, etc. I’m in love and love him very much and vice versa. We are pretty good about sorting through disagreements and are supportive of each other.

He has discussed marriage with me, and I love the idea. Our goals are: get engaged this fall, he can apply to his graduate schools, and we’ll cement our plans on where we will end up moving by my graduation, and get married the next year before we leave, ideally.

Of course we want to go through pre-marital counseling and financial counseling before tying the knot.

We are trying to be as responsible as possible, we put in a real effort not to rush our relationship and keep our heads clear (not always easy with him, he’s so great to me).

However…my mom has adamantly told me not to ‘get any ideas’ and that she does not want me to get married until I am at least 26. My dad appears to be in agreement with her. I have not told her our future ‘hopes/plans’ because I really do not want to start an argument, but I know I will have to talk to them sometime soon.

I want to do what my parents say, but I know life is very short, and after I graduate I would like to cement our commitment to each other and start creating a life together. It is frustrating, because nobody says anything to him because of his older age, but they think I am naive because of mine. My boyfriend and I just don’t want to date for five or more years for no reason other than ‘just because’. That seems silly to us.

I got in an argument with two close friends yesterday that said that I don’t ‘know anything’ because I have only been with my boyfriend, and insist I need to ‘sample the goods’ before marriage, and ‘browse the menu options’ before settling. I was firm in telling them that I do not need to date/sleep around with various guys just so I dont “wonder” about the “options I missed” when I’m married (other parts of their argument were that I would always “wonder” if I didnt see other guys). Its just frustrating to be told over and over that I don’t know anything because I’m so young, even by my friends.

Before I met my boyfriend, I prayed to God one night I was lonely, and literally the NEXT day I met my boyfriend and he asked me for my phone number. I am living my life for God and myself, not for my friends and family, although I do listen to their opinions.

My ultimate question is, what should I do about my parents? I could never go through with a marriage without their support, that would break my heart. How can I convince them that I know what I’m doing and I’m not rushing into this? I don’t know what else I can do…

 

[beckers]

Just a quick note since i am between classes at the moment.

26 is your parents desire not yours. Discern whether this is God’s will and plan for you. If it is then move foward according what you discern. Don’t let your parents decide for you how you are suppose to live your life. You are a college educated women for petes sake and your reasons who wanting to not delay are vaild. Trust in your self and your decisions.

Keep your eyes, heart and mind on Jesus and become the strong handmaiden of the Lord!

beckers

 

[1ke]

Your parents still see a little girl when they look at you. You are a young woman. You do not plan to marry right now, it seems that is almost 2 years out. So, you will be 23 or 24.

This whole idea they have about getting married after 26 is just silly. And, you are going to have to stand up and be counted as an adult whether you are ready for that or not. There may not be a way to be both your own person and make your parents happy.

If you are afraid to hurt their feelings, then you aren’t ready to leave the nest yet and aren’t ready to be married yet. You have to be certain of you-- and able to stand your ground when you and your parents disagree. You will not always agree. You can still be respectful of them, listen to their opinions, but ultimately must make your own choices and make your own way.

You may not be able to “convince” them of anything. It depends upon whether or not they are basing their position on something rational and concrete or not. Sounds like “not” to me. If they have actual reasons, you can give them your responses to them. If their reason is “because” then do not even try to explain, convince, etc. It won’t work.

And, ignore your friends who lack maturity and perspective. You have rightly identified that what they are saying is nonsense.

 

[jilly4ski]

I only ever dated the man I ended up married to, and I was the first and only girl he ever dated. People don’t know what they are talking about when they say you miss out by not sampling all varieties. Just because you havn’t dated any ‘toads’, does not mean you need to in order to see that your boyfriend is a ‘prince.’
Do your parents know your boyfriend? I think that really helped my parents learn to let go, is that they realized that my DH was a “nice, Catholic, young man” In my mothers words. They saw us together a lot and my DH would come and eat dinner with the family a lot. They saw how happy we were together and that we were serious.
22 is not too young to get married if you are mature enough for it. I agree with other posters that your partents age of 26 sounds arbitrary, but discuss it with them and see why they hold this view. Also your ‘friends’ don’t have the experience or the perspective to give advise on these matters. Good luck.

Pax

 

[Footprints04]

Hello,

I was very much in the same position as you not too long ago! Growing up, my dad always used to tell me that I shouldn’t get married right out of college…blah blah blah… That was his plan for me…not one I felt I had to make as a rule for my life. I honestly thought (and still do) that you never know when you are going to meet the man that God intends you to meet!

I met my FI when I was 20 and he was 22. We were both just starting graduate school (him medical and me pharmacy). And we got engaged in April of 08…just short of two years of dating. We’ll be married when he is 26 and I’m 23. So yes, I’m also younger than the 26

Surprisingly my dad really never brought up the age deal when we got engaged etc. He did meet my fiance and spend time with him on a couple of different occations which I think helped open him up to the idea. Though it took some time for him to realize that we were serious (wasn’t till into the second year of our dating that he realized that my then-boyfriend was going to be around for awhile).

So anyways, what I’m trying to tell you in a very round about way (sorry) is that you aren’t alone. Only you and your boyfriend know what is right for your relationship. And I completely agree that if you both are talking about and planning marriage and are in the stage of life that you can be married (it sounds like he has a job and you will be graduating) that I see absolutely no reason to wait simply to “reach the age of 26” to appease your parents. It is tough though…dealing with parents on this kind of issue. Good luck and I’m sure it will work out fine

 

[Highwayhound]

Last summer I attended the wedding of a young couple, Scott and Charlene. They only dated each other. They are now each 22 years old. They are happily married. They were chaste until they were wed. They are such a excellent example that I invited them to come talk to my high school students about the vocation of marriage.

If you are planning marriage because of love of God and wholesome purposes then you are on the right track.

God bless

 

[sheilathebard]

Sometimes parents have “ideal situations” which they want and try to convince you of, but that doesn’t always mean they are going to refuse their consent or support to the marriage. My parents strongly wanted me to marry someone who lived or was willing to live near them, and that just wasn’t possible. However, they understood, and though they were disappointed, they still approve of my wedding.

My fiance’s mother strongly believed he was too young even to date. He decided that going forward with our relationship was the right thing to do, even if she didn’t approve, and told her of his intentions. She actually stopped putting pressure on him, and told him that even though she would have preferred he wait longer, she knows he is an adult and is free to make that decision for himself.

Talk to your parents about it, and see how strongly they think about this. If they are fairly reasonable in general, they will probably respect your plans even if they don’t agree with them.

 

[karea]

Thanks everyone for the replies…

yeah I think they are afraid of me growing up. I’m the youngest of 2, my sister already having graduated college and moved back East. With people not taking me seriously because of my age and being the youngest in the family, it also does not help that I’m 5’1 and look young (just last week I was asked if I was 15 and if I was starting to drive yet).

My parents really want the time to be ‘ideal’ for us to be married…i.e. done w/all schooling, settled into our careers, stable financially, etc…

Which is not in itself unreasonable, but my boyfriend and I have plans for all that, and I should be working straight after I graduate.

My parents were never really strict with me growing up…they just had expectations for grades and college.

It is surprising, they are starting to be more controlling now than when I was 15!

My cousins have bad histories of getting married early without much thought and getting divorced and I think my parents are afraid of that happening to me, which is why I’m trying to plan ahead and not rush into things.

This past Christmas, I told my sister some of my plans for after graduation…and I think she told my mom. That afternoon my mom suddenly exclaimed that there 'better not be an engagement ring under that tree!" and we got into it. That’s when she did the whole ‘you can’t get married until you’re 26’ thing.

My boyfriend’s parents love me and I know would have no problems, as they have already asked him if he’s looking at rings for me haha.

Should I maybe talk with my pastor about this first before my parents?

I feel a bit more confident in talking to them about it now though, thanks everyone!

 

[CatholicSamurai]

Haha… I wish I married at 26. Anyway… this is tough because I’m thinking what if my daughter goes through the same thing (once she reaches that age of course).

You sounded mature in your decision… both of you at least as I see it (for lack of more information). My only advice is that as long as you’re not letting emotions get the better of you, it’s alright. Your parents are probably just looking out for you but how should I know (again lack of info).

Oh and another thing… On a theological level, as long as you two are willing to give yourselves as a ‘gift’ to each other, you should be alright.

In the end, pray for what God wants of you both. Good luck, God bless, Peace!

 

[chevalier]

Hello all, (this is a bit long)

:tiphat:

I want to do what my parents say, but I know life is very short, and after I graduate I would like to cement our commitment to each other and start creating a life together. It is frustrating, because nobody says anything to him because of his older age, but they think I am naive because of mine. My boyfriend and I just don’t want to date for five or more years for no reason other than ‘just because’. That seems silly to us.

I agree with you. However, you may need to be able to support yourself on your own if you make that decision despite your parents. On the other hand, if you are or will be able to support yourself on your own soon enough, there’s little reason to give in to family pressure.

I got in an argument with two close friends yesterday that said that I don’t ‘know anything’ because I have only been with my boyfriend, and insist I need to ‘sample the goods’ before marriage, and ‘browse the menu options’ before settling.

Don’t even listen to that kind of thing. I am deeply offended whenever I hear people talking like that. Those other “menu options” are real people who have dreams just like you or I or the one talking. They may never be used as items, objects.

I was firm in telling them that I do not need to date/sleep around with various guys just so I dont “wonder” about the “options I missed” when I’m married (other parts of their argument were that I would always “wonder” if I didnt see other guys).

Why not do the noble thing. It’s underrated these days. People are not so much unprincipled, as they are “realistic”, which takes away their will to live their ideals.

Its just frustrating to be told over and over that I don’t know anything because I’m so young, even by my friends.

It won’t magically disappear when you become older, either.

My ultimate question is, what should I do about my parents? I could never go through with a marriage without their support, that would break my heart. How can I convince them that I know what I’m doing and I’m not rushing into this? I don’t know what else I can do…

At some point you may need to. That is because marriage is only your decision, not your family’s. Being ready to let go of mum’s comfortable care is traditionally regarded as a man’s test of maturity. It is not so for women, but some truth is in there for women as well.

However, in the interest of not being unilateral and skipping some facts, I can tell you from my own experience that when I was 21, I was in many ways a different person from when I am 26 now. And this doesn’t mean I wasn’t an adult back then. People change throughout university. But there’s no value in waiting for waiting’s sake. There’s no value in a magical number of 26. The number 26 is the frontier point of the status of err… “confirmed” spinster or bachelor, according to my canon law professor. I don’t really care so much because I will probably become different yet again when I’m done with the Ph.D. and who knows if I don’t ditch the law at that point to look back at my youth love, i.e. archaelogy. Who knows what happens tomorrow? Apparently, you’re on a steady track, yourself, so that’s different for you.