Relationship advice needed

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wahlmaster

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Hi all. I’m 24 years old, and obviously single. I’ve been part of a non-denominational christian student organization at the University of Illinois for Indians. I’ve already finished school, but in order to make new friends quicker, when I moved down here for my new job it was a way for me to make new friends.

As I am older than most of the people in the group, it’s hard for me to relate, and though I’ve tried to go on dates and stuff, it never seems to work out. I feel like I’m trying way too hard to settle down.

In this group they often have this married couple talk about their relationship and how to date etc. etc. They talk about how dating is bad and how it leads to sin etc etc.

As a Catholic man, I obviously want to be with a strong and holy christian woman but the more and more I realize it, I’m guessing that might not be possible. I’m just really frustrated and I guess I’m just looking for some advice. Ok i’m just venting right now and I realize this post probably makes ZERO sense to anyone who’s reading it. But if you can offer me any kind of inspiration I’d appreciate it.
 
4 suggestions…
  1. Get active in your Catholic church. Being in a Christian group is great, but marrying a Catholic is definitely what you want to be aiming for! 👍
  2. Consider joining an online Catholic singles group like AveMariaSingles.com This is especially good if you feel that there are no young women in your area that are your age and feel similarly.
  3. Don’t give up hope that there are nice Catholic girls out there. There are lots of them and a lot of them feel just as lonely and stuff as you do. You just need to find them.
  4. Read up on marriage. Use your time waiting to prepare.
 
First, stop going to non-denominational Christian groups and start going to Catholic groups.

Also, college students are really not ready to settle down so that may be why you experience dates that don’t go anywhere.

My next suggestion is that you find your passion-- is it prolife work, helping the poor/homeless, liturgy, etc? Find it… and pursue it… and don’t think so much about dating, meeting “the one”, etc. By pursuing your passion in and outside of work you will meet people who share that passion and those interests.

Right now you are looking for someone to fill a hole, a void. You need to be 100% filled up before pursuing a relationship. Don’t look for a relationship to make you whole.

If you really feel unable to meet a devout Catholic after giving it some time, then look at some of the online sites such as Ave Maria. You are 24, you are quite young and have plenty of time.
 
1ke said:
First, stop going to non-denominational Christian groups and start going to Catholic groups.

Also, college students are really not ready to settle down so that may be why you experience dates that don’t go anywhere.

My next suggestion is that you find your passion-- is it prolife work, helping the poor/homeless, liturgy, etc? Find it… and pursue it… and don’t think so much about dating, meeting “the one”, etc. By pursuing your passion in and outside of work you will meet people who share that passion and those interests.

**Right now you are looking for someone to fill a hole, a void. You need to be 100% filled up before pursuing a relationship. Don’t look for a relationship to make you whole. **
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I echo this statement–well said, 1ke. I think one sets him/herself up for failure, if one is looking for a relationship to make him/her whole…or to fill a hole.

wahlmaster–I will keep you in my prayers. You have some good advice here–hope things work out in the future.
 
🙂 hi wahlmaster.yes i would also say bail out on the “christian” group. the most easisest and fastest way to find the “one” is not to look for her trust and the Father will bring it together.
 
When I had given up on ever finding a decent man, (let alone a Christian) my Gram said to me, “There’s someone for everyone.” I asked her how she knew what I’d been hiding in my heart, but she just smiled. I went home and wrote a beautiful love poem while I sat under the stars, then surrendered my need to God. A week later I went to a bonfire night and was super excited for some strange reason, and guess who I met there?? He was gentle and kind, and I wanted to share my life with him and THEN I also found out he was Catholic. we’ve had five kids, married for 21 years and we never argue. We love each other dearly and sharing our faith helps to bind us together.
Surrender your need. Really, really believe that someone special is coming into your life and thank God for who you are now. Make room in your wardrobe/life, and get excited. I like the advice people were giving about the Catholic Groups, too - they sound perfect and you might make some lasting friendships. God Bless.
 
Dear… I live in your area and there are many resources for Catholic Singles… try getting involved at the Newman center at UIUC or St Patricks in Urbana has a singles group. I don’t know what all you are interested in, but most of the parishes have bible study too… an excellent place to meet people interested in Godliness… If you want more suggestions email me…
 
Wahlmaster,

Are you at the U of I Champaign or Chicago campus? You might want to check with the Newman groups. And they may not all be younger than you; there may be some female grad students there.

If you are in Chicago, check out some of the young adult groups.

Also, you mentioned “for Indians”. Are you Native American or from India? And if the latter, are you feeling the pressure back home to find a wife before your family arranges a marriage for you?
1ke said:
Right now you are looking for someone to fill a hole, a void. You need to be 100% filled up before pursuing a relationship. Don’t look for a relationship to make you whole.
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Says who? That’s a bunch of unbiblical feminist nonsense. Are you going to question God next? We were not designed to be alone, and what you are proposing goes against nature (well, at least for males anyway). Adam needed Eve to be made whole. And if one could be 100% whole without a relationship, that means one could handle lifelong celibacy and one would be going into the seminary! Remember what God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone”. And the CCC states that the vocation to marriage is written in our very being. Remember that the OP is not some divorced old lady who is up a creek and has no other option because of a canonical impediment to marriage; he is a healthy 24-yo male, and being single for that demographic (especially in this day and age) can be a great temptation, and remember what St. Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 7 regarding that.
 
Norseman82 said:
Wahlmaster,

Are you at the U of I Champaign or Chicago campus? You might want to check with the Newman groups. And they may not all be younger than you; there may be some female grad students there.

If you are in Chicago, check out some of the young adult groups.

Also, you mentioned “for Indians”. Are you Native American or from India? And if the latter, are you feeling the pressure back home to find a wife before your family arranges a marriage for you?

Says who? That’s a bunch of unbiblical feminist nonsense. Are you going to question God next? We were not designed to be alone, and what you are proposing goes against nature (well, at least for males anyway). Adam needed Eve to be made whole. And if one could be 100% whole without a relationship, that means one could handle lifelong celibacy and one would be going into the seminary! Remember what God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone”. And the CCC states that the vocation to marriage is written in our very being. Remember that the OP is not some divorced old lady who is up a creek and has no other option because of a canonical impediment to marriage; he is a healthy 24-yo male, and being single for that demographic (especially in this day and age) can be a great temptation, and remember what St. Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 7 regarding that.
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I don’t think 1ke was implying that really, I think she was saying that it is important to be happy with one’s self, and wish to share one’s life with someone–rather than looking to someone for happiness. My husband cannot make me be happy–a lot of marriages end because people look to others to fill something lacking in them. Not that the OP is doing this–I think 1ke was merely inferring that. Hope that helps.
 
whatevergirl said:
I don’t think 1ke was implying that really, I think she was saying that it is important to be happy with one’s self, and wish to share one’s life with someone–rather than looking to someone for happiness. My husband cannot make me be happy–a lot of marriages end because people look to others to fill something lacking in them. Not that the OP is doing this–I think 1ke was merely inferring that. Hope that helps.
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Is it ever really possible to be 100% completely happy with one’s self on this earth? Look at Mother Theresa’s diaries that were released. If she can’t, who can?

If we have to wait until we are 100% perfect or complete before we get married, will there be anyone getting married?

Aren’t there certain holes that only marriage can fill?
 
I don’t know about anyone else, but I think it’s rather hilarious that you would use the word “feminist” to describe something that 1ke writes…
Norseman82 said:
Says who? That’s a bunch of unbiblical feminist nonsense.
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Some advice my father gave me a couple of days ago: try to be interesting.

See. They say we fall in love with people when they don’t try. That’s somewhat true - they don’t try, they aren’t trying to show their best face, we get to see their real lives and there’s that confidence (or lack of insecurity) which comes from the lack of a feeling of being watched and evaluated.

On the other hand, dad claims that a woman wants to be enchanted by a man and that enchantment is an important part of the process. So perhaps we don’t need to be oh-so-not-trying then?

I’d say perhaps we can be average Joes but we shouldn’t fall into mediocrity. There is a difference. So in some way we have to be inspiring. We need something to charm them with. Dad says having a broad range of interests will help and I agree.

On some level, it does look like the best way is to focus on improving one’s relationship with God and also the one with oneself - I mean, education, interests, growing as a person on all levels. Probably gives better chances with people who might catch our eye. Besides, perhaps God wants us to grow a bit more (or a lot more) before the woman - in our case - or a man comes into our lives?

I suppose I can’t really offer a conclusion in the end, but if I can think of one, I’ll let you know. 😉
 
Norseman82 said:
Is it ever really possible to be 100% completely happy with one’s self on this earth? Look at Mother Theresa’s diaries that were released. If she can’t, who can?

If we have to wait until we are 100% perfect or complete before we get married, will there be anyone getting married?

Aren’t there certain holes that only marriage can fill?
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Still not what 1ke was saying…I agree with what you’re saying–but we shouldn’t seek a mate to ‘make’ us happy. For example–I looked at what a husband should be as someone who should resolve all the pain I experienced in my childhood–can’t happen. It was not fair for me to look to my husband to do that…I need to look to God for healing, etc. Yes, spouses are given to us as great blessings–and together–we can conquer things in life, rather than being alone. I don’t think that is what 1ke was trying to say, though…Maybe I’ll let her explain better.🙂
 
I’m actually from India, and that is why I feel this need to get married. It’s like expected to be married and have a family. In fact you’re not looked upon as an adult until you get married, even if you’re like me who has a fulltime job and is entirely independant.
 
whatevergirl said:
Still not what 1ke was saying…I agree with what you’re saying–but we shouldn’t seek a mate to ‘make’ us happy. For example–I looked at what a husband should be as someone who should resolve all the pain I experienced in my childhood–can’t happen. It was not fair for me to look to my husband to do that…I need to look to God for healing, etc. Yes, spouses are given to us as great blessings–and together–we can conquer things in life, rather than being alone. I don’t think that is what 1ke was trying to say, though…Maybe I’ll let her explain better.🙂
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Yup, I agree with that. I normally am inclined to side with Norseman since I don’t think the notion that one has to accept being single before one will be ready for marriage is perfectly right. Since it’s a Christian marriage, one ought to accept God’s will and that means the possibility that different things will happen from those we currently hope for. Being at peace with one’s life would be good. Avoiding despair would also - if one thinks one will be unhappy forever unless one finds someone, it may lead to being less discriminating about the choice of spouse or perhaps even “claiming” the first eligible subject as if his or her opinion didn’t count. Things can’t be done that way.

I somewhat tend to think that if one learns to appreciate single life and make use of the joys it allows, it will generally help both the person himself or herself and his or her marital vocation, if one is there. We shouldn’t look to humans for what only God can give us. People can help us, but they don’t have the power to heal us, to fix all our problems. They aren’t perfect either.

Oh, and as for advice once again, here’s some more advice from my father. Don’t be offended - I don’t make any presumptions or anything - myself I needed some good reprimanding until I “got it”. Well, women pay a lot of attention to how a man is groomed. So, clean, pasted shoes. Hands in order. Clean-shaven if not wearing a beard and so on. In short, I suppose this is an external order which reflects the internal order. Keeping yourself in a tight grasp should help. At least with the kind of women you’re looking for.
 
wahlmaster said:
I’m actually from India, and that is why I feel this need to get married. It’s like expected to be married and have a family. In fact you’re not looked upon as an adult until you get married, even if you’re like me who has a fulltime job and is entirely independant.
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Well, you need to get over that. Family expectations should not be what drives you to do something-- especially something such as marriage.

Marriage is a VOCATION. It’s a calling to serve God through the creation of a family. It is a particular way to live out your baptism in service of the Lord.

This is not something you do to please someone else, to make yourself an “adult” in the eyes of a culture, or to assuage lonliness. This is something you do as a serious committment to serving God, your spouse, and your children. That is why I indicated that you should not be seeking a spouse to fill yourself up-- out of lonliness or unhappiness. You should be seeking to give yourself in sacrificial love to another. Marriage isn’t about what you get, it’s about what you give. Remember, marriage is a call to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5).

I highly recommend you do a search online for the Encyclical Casti Connubii and read it. Also get Archbishop Fulton Sheen’s book Three To Get Married.

Prepare yourself by striving for holiness.
 
I know I’ve already posted a comment, but I felt the need to make another one because each person’s advice is different and I’m feeling you may be more confused about what you should do.

What YOU want IS important. When I prayed for a good person to share my journey, I knew it was the Holy Spirit God driving me toward this. You can feel deep within yourself where the Holy Spirit dwells whether something is motivated by a more heart-led desire or by God.
You just know.

When you pray, sit in silent peace, quietly contemplating your day, listening and absorbing God’s light with prayers to discern the way to wisdom. Ask daily for God to send opportunties to guide you. The path might surprise you!!! Life is full of mysteries - celebrate that you are alive and believe that you will be happy and it will be so, and wake each morning thinking, “What miracles has God in store for me today?”

Instead of trying desperately to meet your future spouse, becoming unhappy, DO some of the things people have suggested such as joining Catholic groups - you will meet other Catholics like yourself this way. Respect your parents and family who feel that their traditions are important. Acknowledge what they tell you - some of it may be truth.

You have so much to look forward to in your life, waste no more of your time wondering or worrying about the way in which it will happen. As the bible says; Tomorrow will take care of itself. :hug3:
Ask and you shall receive…

Suggested reading: *The Power of Positive Thinking *by Norman Vincent Peale
 
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