Relationship Advice Please :(

[Chief87]

Hi All,

Firstly I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and I will try to keep this short.

Also I find it hard to talk about my emotions with other people so this is why I came here and everyone is nice here .

So long story short:

About 2 and a half years ago I met this girl both in our mid 20s. I fell for her almost straight away and she was big into me at the time. At the start we were getting on great but she had a slightly immature side and to get my attention she would talk to other guys on nights out in front of me to make me jealous. She apologised the next day a but done it again 2 or 3 more times. I must make this clear that I did fully trust her (for other reasons but I am trying to keep this short) but I still didn’t think it was cool or mature obviously and I think this made me anxious bringing her out for a few months after that but I digress.

I brought her to a few parties my friends were having and she didn’t really mix in that well. So that was that for a while and we spent pretty much all our time with heac other which was great but I got a bit cut off from my friends for a while which can happen when you meet a new man/woman. About 8 months later I started hanging out with my friends at the weekends and I didn’t invite her for a few weekends in a row and she was giving out to me (which was fair enough to be honest). This went on for a while and is something I am not proud of but I think I didn’t invite her out much because of what she done at start of our relationship. Then we got on really well for another 6 months and I started going out with my friends without inviting her (because she never really made the effort with them) and again she started giving out to me but I kept doing it and then started ignoring her all the time again (which again I am not proud of at all). We broke up about a year ago for a few weeks and then got back together and I apologised for being the way I was.

We got on well again for another 6 - 8 months and then I started cutting her off from me and hanging out with my friends again. I am not sure why I did that but at the time I was being a real jerk. Now here I am a few weeks later and I really really miss her and am still in love with her. Then why did I cut her off I hear you ask? I really don’t know. I was such an idiot. Was it something to do with her trying to make me jealous at the start? That was like 2 years ago at this stage? All she wanted was to be a part of my group and to hang out with me but I kept cutting her off.

Why did I do this I don’t know and now I really really miss her and it is making me so depressed. I tried to contact her last week twice but she didn’t reply. I really don’t know what to do now. I know I was being a jerk the last while by cutting her off. I think I just felt that I couldn’t hang out with her and my friends at the same time because they never really hit it off that well.

I am still in love with her and think I have made a huge mistake but I think I really hurt her as well and that she might never talk to me again as I done this twice to her now.We were deeply in love during most of our relationship and would spend all day on the phone and 6 days hanging out which other than the time I started to cut her off for periods (again why did I do that?). When the times were good we were actually like soulmates.

My friends used to accuse her of trying to cut me off from everyone so just me and her would hang out and they had a point and maybe subconsciously that’s why I cut her off and treated her badly at the end?

Hoping for some advice and sorrt for all the rambling…my head is just all over the place as you can tell and I don;t know why I cut her off again but now she won’t even reply to me…I think she is probably afraid I will hurt her again but I have learned a valuable lesson and really miss her .

Thanks.

 

[AussieTrish]

It’s confusing and distressing to find yourself in this situation.

I can see you really like this girl and had strong feelings, however either because of nature you are perhaps not very healthy for each other at this stage. We are not always suited for the long-term, e.g. marriage even with those we really like.
Attraction to a person is really lovely, but not always enough.

I don’t think it was bad in you that you did cut her off at times, as it appears she may have wished you to choose between your friends and her. You may have been reacting to the dilemma.

However your post is a little confusing, as you objected initially to her talking to others, which may simply have been natural friendliness, but you were later not happy that she didn’t connect with your friends. Might she have been nervous about connecting with your friends in case you were jealous?

It may be that you are both in some ways immature.

If you cared about her, why leave her weeks at a time instead of alternating. It isn’t unreasonable to spend some time with your own friends, but if someone is your girlfriend, she also deserves some of your time. Was your behavior passive-aggressive?

Sometimes we grieve when we have lost something or someone we neglected, but loss has that effect, and it’s more about ourself than the other person if we haven’t really loved them.
It seems more that you enjoyed being with her and felt good being with her sometimes, but not that you loved her in the real sense.

It could be academic now, as it is difficult to restore trust, but perhaps you may have learned more about how to handle a relationship and how to love and respect a person in a genuine unselfish way?

The kind of conflicts you speak of between you wouldn’t make for a peaceful marriage. I hope you are able to find and grow towards a future mature, happy, and strong future relationship…or that if, which might seem unlikely, the girl doesn’t cave, you are able to both move past the cyclical dysfunction.

When we lose someone we think of all the positives that we have lost, but this would also appear to have been a very troubles relationship.

May God heal and guide you both now and in the future

 

[Chief87]

It’s confusing and distressing to find yourself in this situation.

I can see you really like this girl and had strong feelings, however either because of nature you are perhaps not very healthy for each other at this stage. We are not always suited for the long-term, e.g. marriage even with those we really like.
Attraction to a person is really lovely, but not always enough.

I don’t think it was bad in you that you did cut her off at times, as it appears she may have wished you to choose between your friends and her. You may have been reacting to the dilemma.

However your post is a little confusing, as you objected initially to her talking to others, which may simply have been natural friendliness, but you were later not happy that she didn’t connect with your friends. Might she have been nervous about connecting with your friends in case you were jealous?

It may be that you are both in some ways immature.

If you cared about her, why leave her weeks at a time instead of alternating. It isn’t unreasonable to spend some time with your own friends, but if someone is your girlfriend, she also deserves some of your time. Was your behavior passive-aggressive?

Sometimes we grieve when we have lost something or someone we neglected, but loss has that effect, and it’s more about ourself than the other person if we haven’t really loved them.
It seems more that you enjoyed being with her and felt good being with her sometimes, but not that you loved her in the real sense.

It could be academic now, as it is difficult to restore trust, but perhaps you may have learned more about how to handle a relationship and how to love and respect a person in a genuine unselfish way?

The kind of conflicts you speak of between you wouldn’t make for a peaceful marriage. I hope you are able to find and grow towards a future mature, happy, and strong future relationship…or that if, which might seem unlikely, the girl doesn’t cave, you are able to both move past the cyclical dysfunction.

When we lose someone we think of all the positives that we have lost, but this would also appear to have been a very troubles relationship.

May God heal and guide you both now and in the future

This is actually a really great and fair answer. Reading back on my post it was very scatter gun but you read into it very well.

You are right to say that we were both immature in a sense. I guess I was reacting to the dilemma that she was making me choose between herself and my friends but I was overly harsh in then ignoring her for weeks at a time (I guess sub consciously that’s why I done it).

What do you think I should do now? I have no interest in anyone else and really think I have screwed this up. She didn’t reply to my text last week and not sure if I should message her again to get her to at least hear me out?

The worst thing was only a month ago she was almost begging me to stop ignoring her and I didn’t as I kind of lost the run of myself and now it is the other way round .

In hindsight I didn’t fully commit to the relationship in the sense that I would do some stuff without her that she would have enjoyed. If I got back with her now I would be fully committed.

Thanks again.

 

[Chief87]

The kind of conflicts you speak of between you wouldn’t make for a peaceful marriage. I hope you are able to find and grow towards a future mature, happy, and strong future relationship…or that if, which might seem unlikely, the girl doesn’t cave, you are able to both move past the cyclical dysfunction.

Just read about your post again…can you explain this paragraph as I didn’t really understand it.

Thanks again for your advice.

 

[AussieTrish]

Yes, it could confuse…when I mentioned ‘future relationship’ I wasn’t necessarily thinking of this one. If you are unable to salvage this important relationship, you have learned things that could help you in a later relationship if not this one.

As she is now not responding, I wonder if you would feel you could write her an apology, and caring and kindly explain what you now understand? (I don’t know if you can afford flowers or something of the sort, but hopefully it will be possible to reach a point where you can both share and discuss your problems and your hopes.)

Perhaps you can recover your relationship and help each other to manage it better.

You may need to communicate your concerns and feelings better, not just to go ahead and react without trying to resolve issues. It seems you mightn’t have communicated well enough between you. Is that a fair comment?

Relationships are seldom if ever perfect and we all have to work at even the most desirable relationships.

I hope it works out for you both.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Just read about your post again…can you explain this paragraph as I didn’t really understand it.

Thanks again for your advice.

What’s shes saying is this kind of drama would not be good for a marriage.

Choose me or your friends, break-up, get back together again, break up, talk to guys in front of you to make you jealous…ugh.

Frankly, if you’re in your twenties and doing that, something’s wrong. Some of that stuff is really high schoolish.

You two may or may not have been in love, but there’s more to a healthy relationship and marriage.

I completely understand how you felt about her, but if she’s not responding, then it’s time to move on.

While I’m not sure what you mean when you say “I’ve been a jerk” (because sometimes guys in distress will just say that for sympathy or to admit fault unnecessarily), you weren’t the only problem (if at all) in this relationship. I know one of my friends from college was in a similar situation when he was out with his gf and she was flirting with guys left and right. He was just sitting the booth all relaxed when finally someone asked him “dude, do you know your gf is flirting with them?” He just said “yeah, I know, but it just means we won’t be together that long”.

Correct me if I am wrong, but it kind of sounds like to me that maybe you were reacting/lashing out to her throughout the relationship when she did certain things you didn’t like.

 

[SuperLuigi]

As she is now not responding, I wonder if you would feel you could write her an apology, and caring and kindly explain what you now understand? (I don’t know if you can afford flowers or something of the sort, but hopefully it will be possible to reach a point where you can both share and discuss your problems and your hopes.)

You may try this, but don’t wait around forever for her.

 

[Isca]

If you really care about your relationship and want to try to reach out to your gf again, I’d recommend writing it all down in a proper, old-fashioned letter and sending it to her by snail mail. It’s so rare that younger people do this nowadays, it has more of an impact, I think! It also allows you the time to get things straight about what you want to say.

If she doesn’t reply (and maybe you could also send some flowers to reach her at the same time), you’ll have your answer, unfortunately. Good luck.

 

[Joe_5859]

One word: communication.

You need to talk to each other and stop playing games. You mentioned her being immature in the beginning with flirting a few times, but then your own behavior of ignoring her could easily be categorized the same way.

Trish suggested you might write her a letter at this point. If she is not returning your calls, that might be your best (and only) option. Put all your thoughts down on paper. (Make sure to read through and edit as necessary for clarity.)

It could well be that this last round of ignoring her despite her protests was the last straw and she has had enough. If that’s the case, you’ll have to accept it and move on.

I do have a question, and it is more one for you to ask yourself than necessarily answer here. Do your friends tend to speak negatively of her? I ask because it would make sense why you chose to ignore her if you have your friends whispering in your ear about how she has you whipped and other such things. Certainly, it’s not usually healthy for a couple to seal themselves away from the world when they start dating. But it’s also no guarantee that the girl you want to date will fit in perfectly well with all of your friends.

You seem to be swinging back and forth between extremes Either you’re ignoring your friends or you’re ignoring your girlfriend. Even if you don’t want to hang out with both at the same time, that doesn’t mean you have to ignore one or the other for lengthy periods of time. All you need is time management.

Ultimately, though, I don’t know you personally, so perhaps none of what I said applies. You will need to ask yourself some hard questions about why you have acted the way that you have and make some decisions about how you plan to act moving forward. It may be that if you exhibit some self-awareness about why you have acted as you have and that you also exhibit a firm purpose of amendment for how to proceed that this girl will take you more seriously when you explain to her how much you care for her and want to salvage the relationship.

 

[runningdude]

Hi All,

…

I am still in love with her and think I have made a huge mistake but I think I really hurt her as well and that she might never talk to me again as I done this twice to her now.We were deeply in love during most of our relationship and would spend all day on the phone and 6 days hanging out which other than the time I started to cut her off for periods (again why did I do that?). When the times were good we were actually like soulmates.

Your actions suggest you were not given enough space in the relationship, and tried to distance yourself from this women.

My friends used to accuse her of trying to cut me off from everyone so just me and her would hang out and they had a point and maybe subconsciously that’s why I cut her off and treated her badly at the end?

Friends have a certain infallibility when it comes to detecting destructive influences in the lives of those they care about.

I had a friend come out of an abusive relationship, who said things very similarly to what you are saying now. He missed his ex-girlfriend immensely, yet I could not stand her, and saw her do nothing but manipulate him into fighting with his other friends.

This behavior, isolating someone from their existing friends, is not a sign of a healthy relationship, and it sound plausible that your former girlfriend was doing the same. Sadly, she may have even flattered you and faked loving behavior to convince you she was your “soul mate”. I saw this with my friend.

Hoping for some advice and sorrt for all the rambling…my head is just all over the place as you can tell and I don;t know why I cut her off again but now she won’t even reply to me…I think she is probably afraid I will hurt her again but I have learned a valuable lesson and really miss her .

Thanks.

This is tricky, because I suspect you may have been emotionally manipulated. Random people on the internet are not really qualified to give anything more than the most general advise, because we all have different assumptions and circumstances that may not apply.

I am uncertain of your age, but you seem to be in the high school or early college range. I would recommend reaching out to a counselor or social worker at your school, who is trained to listen, and help you sort out what happened. The counselor can also work with you to build positive relationship skills to avoid similar situations in the future, or help you to find another professional to work with.

 

[Chief87]

Hi all,

Sorry I have not been online since to reply.

Thanks for all the replies, it is really helping me.

Firstly I am mid twenties and although this relationship may sound like we are late teens we are not lol…

Everything you guys have said is pretty spot on even though people have different points.

I text her again this morning, I just couldn’t help it and couldn’t sleep last night. I said in the text if she wants me to stop texting her just say so and I will but she has not replied at all. She has also not blocked me via text either (you can block people on the app we use). A part of me thinks if she really didn’t want to hear from me she would just say stop texting me and block me…but maybe I am being optimistic.

I am unsure whether to send her flowers or not as that might come across like a creepy stalkerish ex or romantic depending on how she feels and it also might embarrass her in work?

True my friends did not like her but didn’t really know her either. They did think she was manipulating me at times but then again it’s me who was going out with her not them so I find it hard to put too much into what they say…plus they would rather I hang out with them naturally. Maybe I have been emotionally manipulated I am not sure but I know I did be an *** to her at times especially when I started cutting her off ( I read back some of the old texts this morning and I was a complete ***).

Where to go from here I don’t know. I have sent her another text as I said…maybe the flowers idea could show her I am serious? Maybe she is just afraid to talk to me in case I cut her off again and hurt her again?

Thanks again guys. Really helping.

 

[Joe_5859]

I understand Running Dude’s perspective, but the flip side is that I know situations where the friends are a little envious of the time spent away and thus will perceive the relationship to be unhealthy and/or manipulative simply because you are no longer available to hang out with them every single weekend as you were before. People often don’t like change. And romantic relationships change things. So they may be seeing things that aren’t really there.

Such is the limitation of offering advice over the internet. We cannot really tell whether your girlfriend is being manipulative or not (flirting example not withstanding…but that was a long time ago) or whether your friends are being perceptive, jealous, or simply clueless. You’ll have to sort through that.

 

[Chief87]

Another two good replies which I appreciate a lot…so thanks for taking the time and effort.

I think both points are valid firstly about my friends and secondly that all I am thinking about is trying to get back with her and repair the damage I done.

It is strange, I think if she broke up with me it wouldn’t be as hard to take but the fact that in a way I brought this on myself makes it much worse as it’s like I done all this myself.

There is not much I can do at this point, I have messaged her a few times and although she has not told me to stop or blocked me I am not going to overdo it.

Either way I would like to meet with her and clear things up as I don’t like leaving things on a sour note (which is an understatement).

I am considering sending her flowers but again not sure if this is overkill and might come across stalkerish…or potentially show that I am serious about this.

All advice taken on board and appreciated. I will say a prayer for you guys .

 

[Joe_5859]

Another two good replies which I appreciate a lot…so thanks for taking the time and effort.

I think both points are valid firstly about my friends and secondly that all I am thinking about is trying to get back with her and repair the damage I done.

It is strange, I think if she broke up with me it wouldn’t be as hard to take but the fact that in a way I brought this on myself makes it much worse as it’s like I done all this myself.

There is not much I can do at this point, I have messaged her a few times and although she has not told me to stop or blocked me I am not going to overdo it.

Either way I would like to meet with her and clear things up as I don’t like leaving things on a sour note (which is an understatement).

I am considering sending her flowers but again not sure if this is overkill and might come across stalkerish…or potentially show that I am serious about this.

All advice taken on board and appreciated. I will say a prayer for you guys .

You could tell better than us how she might perceive receiving flowers. I would probably avoid sending them to her at work, though.

If it were me, at this point, I would probably give her a week and then call (not text) and leave a voicemail if she doesn’t answer where I briefly (but with heartfelt sincerity) apologize for my behavior and ask if there would be a good time to talk with her in person. Then, the ball would really be in her court. to respond to that invitation.

 

[Chief87]

Thanks Joe.

I guess I will do that so. I won’t send flowers to her work but might send her a card or something less intense lol.

Thanks again.

 

[Chief87]

Hi All,

Just an update in case anyone cares!

She replied yesterday to my texts.

It was something along the lines of:

Sorry for not replying sooner as it brings me back to everything . Don’t want to sound harsh but I don’t have many nice memories from the last while and not sure if I can forgive you which is why I have found it so hard to reply.

I have replied back to this obviously but not reply back from that so not sure if she is going through things in her head or what to think really?

Thanks.

 

[Joe_5859]

Thank you for taking the time to come here and update, of course we care.

It sounds like this young lady is hurt. Personally, I don’t think that sending flowers are behaving like a stalker. You were in a relationship for two years and you hurt her and are trying to say you are sorry, sending one small bouquet of flowers would not be behaving like a stalker. Sending 100 bouquets of flowers would, but not one.

Perhaps a small bouquet of flowers with a note that says something like “These flowers come with an apology because you are good person and I hurt you. I would like to talk to you but don’t want to force myself. Please call when you are ready.” Then leave her be and give her space to heal.

You are frustrated and upset because you don’t know where your life is going at the moment. You are waiting, waiting, waiting and that is hard. Jesus is with you now, waiting. It is such a painful cross not knowing what is going to happen, there is great anxiety and pain that comes with waiting and not knowing. You have fears for the future, fears of being without her and wondering if you can mend this relationship or not and what your future holds.

God is good, that is hard to see right now. Hold onto the thought that you are a unique and special creation of God. God always listens and cares about everything. He has plans of joy for you beyond your wildest dreams. Please take care as best as you can and update when you are feeling up to it. God bless you.

I think this is good advice. To clarify, when I suggested not sending her flowers at work, it wasn’t out of fear of coming off as a stalker, but out of embarrassing her at work. In light of her recent text, maybe it would be a nice gesture, even if work is the only place you can have them sent.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Without reading every comment,is it possible that she is just immature,? Child like ?
Maybe you might need to change your approach to her,

 

[Chief87]

Thanks guys.

We have had a few texts back and forth which has basically been her telling me how much I hurt her and me explaining that I am sorry and why I shut her off (but not making excuses for my actions either). I am not sure where this will lead to but I am going to ask if she can meet for coffee and discussing everyhting over text is frustrating for me.

I know she will be afraid to meet because it might bring her back into everything but I think it’s the best way to talk about things no matter what happens.

I would love to send her flowers but she lives at home with her parents so not sure if that is a good option either? She has probably told her parents her side of the story and none of mine so I am afraid they will think I am not good for her (there are definitely 2 sides to this story but cutting her off like that wasn’t a good way to react either).

What should I do? Will I send her flowers to her house or not?

Thanks again everyone this helps so much to get stuff off my chest!

 

[Joe_5859]

Thanks guys.

We have had a few texts back and forth which has basically been her telling me how much I hurt her and me explaining that I am sorry and why I shut her off (but not making excuses for my actions either). I am not sure where this will lead to but I am going to ask if she can meet for coffee and discussing everyhting over text is frustrating for me.

I know she will be afraid to meet because it might bring her back into everything but I think it’s the best way to talk about things no matter what happens.

I would love to send her flowers but she lives at home with her parents so not sure if that is a good option either? She has probably told her parents her side of the story and none of mine so I am afraid they will think I am not good for her (there are definitely 2 sides to this story but cutting her off like that wasn’t a good way to react either).

What should I do? Will I send her flowers to her house or not?

Thanks again everyone this helps so much to get stuff off my chest!

Even if she did tell her parents everything (I sure never told my parents all the details of my relationships, but I know everyone is different in this regard), I cannot see how sending her flowers would lower their opinion of you. If anything, the reverse would be the case. I cannot really see a downside to sending some flowers to her home, but my point of view might be limited in this regard.

I think you are correct that these types of important conversations are better off taking place in person rather than via text. Just try to be patient if she’s not ready for that yet, though.

Keep praying!