Relationship advice - pleeease help

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marysdaughter22

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Hi everyone,

I really need some advice about a recent relationship. I’ll try to be brief (but I may fail :o)… I met this guy who was absolutely lovely and we had quite an intense, short relationship. We seemed to match really well and I had feelings for him that I hadn’t had for anyone for years (about 5, the last time I fell in love), and I think that at least at first he felt the same way. He was really romantic in the things he did and he also told me I was the most beautiful and special person he’d ever met:o, amongst other things! I think he was genuine about it.

Then he got bad results in his exams and was hit really badly by that as it probably means he won’t be able to go on to do what he’d always wanted to do. He said he felt like the family failure since they’re all very high achievers. Anyway he seemed to change after that and be quite erratic in terms of not getting in touch etc. I understood he was upset but I was also confused about where we were since he had really seemed very interested and I have to admit I may have chased him a bit 😊. I just mean I sent him a few texts when he wasn’t replying, that kind of thing, nothing major - but I’m worried it may have contributed to his going cold.

Anyway he said he needed to think about things since it’s the end of the academic year and we were both going to our respective homes, and it would be difficult to keep seeing each other, and he wasn’t sure how it was going to work… Ugh. Anyway eventually he told me it just wasn’t going to work, he seemed really sad but that was that:(.

The thing is that in that brief time we had together he became really special to me and I just miss him a heck of a lot. I don’t fall for people that easily so this is hard. I know that if it wasn’t meant to be, it just wasn’t and there’ll be someone else out there for me but I’m not quite ready to give up (although maybe I should).

Anyway this brings me to my question, is there anything I can do to maybe rekindle things, or am I just kidding myself, and this ship has sailed? I was half-thinking that I’d leave it for a few weeks to give him a chance to get over the results and then ring him ‘casually’ to see how he is and see if he makes any move towards meeting up or something? I’m also worried about him. I just don’t want to chase, especially if I came on too strong before…

Please help, I’m so hopeless with knowing what to do when it comes to men but I still feel maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance here. Any thoughts? Thank you!
 
Sorry about all of that…
Have you tried talking to him about what you’re feeling? Like, having a sit down, one-on-one conversation? He may just feel insecure about all that has been going on, and maybe even embarrassed to talk about it.
 
sometimes feelings get in the way of the obvious path to take, which is simply to find someone that wants to be with you, and is a good and dependable, stable person.

best wishes

scott
 
Men can be as complicated as you women are. You have nothing to lost in talking to him again. Tell him how you feel.

And don’t worry about coming on too strong.
 
*Nothing wrong with calling him…asking him how he is. I would feel the situation out. If he is quick, curt, rushing to get off the phone, acting like he isn’t interested, I’d be done with it.

I think that his behavior on the call will be revealing. If he is like…heeeeeyyyy how are you? I have been meaning to call you, want to grab a bite? Then, you know THAT would be a good reaction. 😃 But if he shows signs of being annoyed, rushed, bothered, etc…I would just be polite, and I probably would move on.

Keep us posted, my vote is to call. If he made that much of an impact, then call. I am a FIRM believer in women not asking men out (this is my thing, and not up for debate in this thread lol) but this is a bit different. You dated him, and you deeply care about him. I see nothing wrong in extending an olive branch like this…just read the signals he gives off, and don’t persist, if truly, he seems uninterested.

I’m hoping he wishes to rekindle something with you, leave it in God’s hands though. Good luck! :)*
 
If he felt as strongly about you as you do about him, he’d have been in touch long ago.

However one thing you need to do is to allow him some personal space. This may be difficult for you, but if you keep pestering him, it will annoy him. If he’s still interested, and he should know by now that you are, then he’ll show interest again.

Personally however I think you play second fiddle to his craving for “success”. I don’t fancy your chances. I really think you’d be better to take a deep breath, break it off, and find somebody else. Or better still, just reduce the stress on yourself and give romance the flick for a while. Or you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak.
 
Bob_Crowley said:
If he felt as strongly about you as you do about him, he’d have been in touch long ago.

However one thing you need to do is to allow him some personal space. This may be difficult for you, but if you keep pestering him, it will annoy him. If he’s still interested, and he should know by now that you are, then he’ll show interest again.

Personally however I think you play second fiddle to his craving for “success”. I don’t fancy your chances. I really think you’d be better to take a deep breath, break it off, and find somebody else. Or better still, just reduce the stress on yourself and give romance the flick for a while. Or you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak.
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*Hmmmmmmm…this is a very valid point, too.

I don’t think calling and saying hello is a bad idea, I just would tune in to if he seemed truly interested in hearing from you, OP. That’s all. I wouldn’t go beyond the one call, should he seem annoyed. You deserve someone who is ecstatic to hear from you, just my humble opinion. *
 
I agree, I would just give him a call. It can’t hurt, and at least then you’ll know. Perhaps he’s depressed? The feeling like the underachiever seems like he might be feeling rather depressed. And maybe he’s just worried about the long distance thing and doesn’t want to hold you to anything.
Good luck! If you do get things back together, know that long distance isn’t the most fun (I’ve been doing it for almost 3 years now!) but it is possible if both of you are committed. But only if both are and you trust one another. But also, at least it would only be over the summer which really isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things…
 
Okay so call me crazy but I have a GREAT idea. At first I thought of the idea to call him; but it seems as if someone already had that idea!:eek:

Anywho; here is my idea. PRAY. Talk to God, ask him if it is right. Falling in love sometimes makes your path a little with shady with God because your spending all your time with that certain guy. If it was meant to be; ask God for advice. Trust me; he is a pretty smart guy :).

Lord Jesus; will you do me a favor?
Lord; help this relationship.
Let this relationship be understood on both sides.
Heavenly Father look over these two people with these certain issues.
My God if it is your will, rekindle this candle of love in Your Grace.
Dad; thank you for your time.
Amen
 
Don’t call him, don’t contact him…He said he wants time apart, that’s another term for he doesn’t want a relationship…
 
Thanks everyone for the replies… so, shall I call him in a couple of weeks, or not? :confused:
I’m starting to think that maybe I should just move on; after all he broke up with me which is fairly clear, isn’t it? It’s just that with all the stuff that’s been going on and with how well it was going, I can’t quite believe he would have wanted to just break up.
It’s true we don’t live that close to each other and he’s going to be working a lot, but we’re not a million miles away, he’s not going to be working every single day - surely we could have managed something, or is this maybe just his way of letting me down gently? Or, is he just withdrawing because he was feeling so depressed and inferior? I just don’t know. I don’t want to pester him if he doesn’t want to know and come off like a loser, but perhaps if I just try reaching out one last time, in a few weeks after the dust has settled, just to get a feel for how things stand? Hmm…
 
marysdaughter22 said:
Thanks everyone for the replies… so, shall I call him in a couple of weeks, or not? :confused:
I’m starting to think that maybe I should just move on; after all he broke up with me which is fairly clear, isn’t it? It’s just that with all the stuff that’s been going on and with how well it was going, I can’t quite believe he would have wanted to just break up.
It’s true we don’t live that close to each other and he’s going to be working a lot, but we’re not a million miles away, he’s not going to be working every single day - surely we could have managed something, or is this maybe just his way of letting me down gently? Or, is he just withdrawing because he was feeling so depressed and inferior? I just don’t know. I don’t want to pester him if he doesn’t want to know and come off like a loser, but perhaps if I just try reaching out one last time, in a few weeks after the dust has settled, just to get a feel for how things stand? Hmm…
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*Hmm, after thinking it through…and rereading some other’s advice, maybe you should NOT call him. He broke it off…and hasn’t reached out. I might let it go for a while…nothing wrong with reaching out casually if you choose just to say hello…but I’m leaning now towards letting it go. I don’t believe in women or men really ‘chasing’ each other…there should be a relative ease or flow to courting. It should not require one person losing sleep over another, and wondering and hoping and praying that the other returns their kindness. It should be smoother than this, just my opinion. I remember breaking it off with my husband (when we were just in the dating stage)…he moved away for a short time, and I missed him, but my pride stood in the way of contacting him. He came back into town and contacted me, asking me for dinner. We went out that night, and I told him I missed him. The rest is history. :o

If he hadn’t reached out, who knows …I know I would not have tried. I am just that way, not saying it’s right or wrong…just never made the moves, when dating. But, maybe give it some time, and maybe time will heal your heart. But, nothing wrong with reaching out to say hello…as my husband once did. Now if I had said no to dinner, then my dh would have known to move on for good.

I would reach out, but maybe give it some time. He asked for some time, so grant him that. I will be praying for you…and like Ed suggests, pray pray pray that God will give you a clear approach to this. God bless! :hug1:*
 
Basically, whatever Whatevergirl said is your way to go (don’t worry, I read it before agreeing). Whe she changed her mind, she was right too, because I kinda did the same. 😛 Basically, you can contact him, but if he broke it off, it’s kinda clear.

Even if you were able to get him back, you want him to come back because he wants it, not because you want it. We can’t make people love us.

You remind me of myself from a couple of years ago. I’ve had the same problem. More than once.

Pray, and also be prepared to let go. Having to let go happens from time to time. Be honest with yourself and don’t ever allow yourself to hold on to a guy just because you think you won’t realistically get any better (as opposed to wanting to be with him for what he trully is).

It’s possible he’s depressed. I can tell you from (recent) experience that having job troubles, and I assume school troubles fall under the same category, is generally a huge disincentive for romance. At least for a guy. If you do stay around, you may need to treat him as a friend and nothing more. On the other hand, if you can’t be friends you shouldn’t be a couple anyway.
 
*Excellent advice, chev…I could have written it myself. hahaha 😃 *
 
Do you miss HIM or the relationship? (Meaning, if you could insert ANYONE in there who told you how lovely you were and you had so much in common, would that be good too? Or do you only want HIM?) Be honest with that question. We don’t need the answer. That’s for you to think about in your own head.

As for him…

You have been given a great gift, my dear… a chance to see how he handles disappointment and failure and things not going his way BEFORE he makes a lifetime commitment. And what have you seen? He retreats and drops people who are close to him (or think they are close to him.)

Do you really want someone who seems only to be romantic and sharing when things are going his way? Real life is full of ups and downs. For whatever reason, he seems to link you and the life he thought he was going to have. He’s become distant. He’s making excuses. He dropped you. That has nothing to do with your worth as a human being. The older I get the more I realize that when people stop valuing you, you must value yourself enough not to keep forcing them to acknowlege your value.

Walk away. Don’t call. Dropping you may be the biggest mistake of his life. You sound absolutely dear and lovely and God has good things planned for you. Let him find out on his own time that he threw away a pearl.

You learned from him some things… what you want in a relationship, what you need from someone else. You waited 5 years for him. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be alone for 5 more years. Someone who really realized the treasure you were would not have left you alone.

Don’t call. Don’t chase. This guy did you a favor letting you free so you’ll be available when someone better comes along.

Here’s a hint for the future… the man who is truly worthy of you will not let you go for any reason. He’ll beg you to stay around and vow that he will find a way to take care of and support you and this failure is a temporary setback. And he would lean on you and ask your counsel and confide his hopes and fears in you. You’d have a front row seat watching him find a new path in life.

That is not this guy. Thank him in your head for his honesty. Pray for him. But let him go. And let us know when someone who deserves you comes along! 👍
 
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