Relationship Advice Request

[grothar92]

So being a single Catholic male who doesn’t masturbate, every once and awhile I get this urge to have a fling with a girl (no premarital sex/etc, just want to start a relationship). I make myself think that it will work out, and so begins the flirting. Well, in my past, if we enter into a relationship, it lasts on average of a month or so (3 months max) and its really great for the first week or so. Then due to this relationship, I “satisfy” my need for sexual expression, whether it be cuddling, kissing, etc (things that are not condemned by the bible). Once this happens I suddenly lose interest, start wanting to be single again. This always causes conflict, which causes me to become reclusive. Inevitable the relationship ends bitterly.

I’ve tried avoiding relationships such as these because I know they won’t work out, but lately I’ve been leading a lot of girls on. I feel like I’m hurting friendships and missing the point of human interaction entirely. Does anyone have any advice? (practical advice, like I have been praying about it, and while I wait for an answer, this forum will help)

 

[edward_george]

You don’t mention how old you are, but what you describe sounds like what typically happens–we are attracted to someone, there is the initial rush of feelings, things we can’t really nail down as to what they are, and we want to be with them. After a while that wears off. If we pursue that for the sake of pleasure, then we will hurt others and hurt ourselves. If we recognize that prayerfully and lovingly we can discern what are appropriate relationships to have with people–not necessarily acting on those attractions all the time, and when acting on them, doing so with proper consideration for chastity, boundaries, and prayerful discernment–then we can indeed have more lasting, fulfilling relationships with people. Don’t buy into the lie that all love is sexual love, that all love is meant to be pleasurable. There are different kinds of love, different levels of friendship so to speak, and you needn’t constrain yourself by always acting the same way because you’re attracted to someone.

-ACEGC

 

[Befink]

Hi there,
Interesting question. I’ll give you my two cents in case one helps you.

I get the impression that the underlying issue is your need for physical intimacy. While you’re good at keeping God’s will in mind, you ultimately struggle with ‘Love your Neighbor’ in general (because you keep hurting these women) and seeking a deeper intimacy (because of the short relationships). That’s not to say you should be love with these women but the question is if you respect them for more than a physical fling. For many young men, this is lost and it becomes more of a game and conquest than a search for your life-partner. Unfortunately some people get so into the game that they’re not as open to meeting the right person as they think. They therefore seek ‘happiness’ in the wrong places.

In an ideal marriage your wife is your soul mate, best friend, life partner, mother of your beautiful children, keeps you satisfied sexually because she knows yours needs better than any hot young girl could (unfortunately most couples let their sex life get stale). You both tend to be on the same wavelength so much that she can make medical decisions for you when you’re both old and grey (sorry, everyone loses their looks eventually). That not to say there’s never conflict, there is. The couple knows how to find peace with each other no matter how big the disagreement was. They also appreciate the good and don’t get overly hung-up on the bad.

With the right love of God and love of neighbor you’ll go out and seek the right mate for you. When you date someone that’s not it you’ll genuinely want to treat them well and let them go respectfully so they can seek the ideal mate for themselves.

Having said all that, let me share with you that you are doing far better than I did in my teens and twenties. I had it easy in that I converted to Catholicism in my thirties after being married. Let’s just say God forgave quite a lot when I was baptized. Good thing He’s very patient!

I wish you the best

 

[Trishie]

There is some indication that the relationships don’t work because they are about you,
and not genuinely also about the other person.
Your attitude and behavior indicates that you don’t care personally and unselfishly about who they really are as persons,
it’s all about what you ‘need’.
You may need to grow more as a human being who can appreciate other persons in a genuine not a superficial way.
May God help you to grow in genuine and practical love of other persons, so that you can also genuinely and faithfully love a particular person.

 

[JadeHand]

I would definitely suggest reading Theology of His Body by Jason Evert. The women’s version, Theology of Her Body, was life changing for me, and I’ve heard from my guy friends that Theology of His Body was just as meaningful to them. And I know that reading it, in addition to reading Theology of Her Body, certainly gave me a greater respect for men and their masculinity, and an understanding of men and women’s purposes as individuals as well as their purpose for each other as God designed it. The books are aimed towards older teens/young adults, and its a short read, about 50 pages, but filled with solid, relevant Church teachings. They presents the truth of what God created us for as men and women, and also shows you ways that you can attain that beauty in all its fullness. I sincerely hope you read this book! We need more good Catholic men (and women) out there who understand that the purpose of relationships is to lead to a Catholic marriage in which the husband and wife’s purpose is to help one another grow in holiness and lead each other to Heaven.

barnesandnoble.com/w/theology-of-his-body-theology-of-her-body-jason-evert/1016109258