Relationship Advice. What to do when you are the risk to chastity

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PatrickSebast

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I recently brought up the subject of sexuality with a Catholic girl I have gone on a few dates with out of the necessity of explaining that I am not a virgin due mistakes I made in a long-term college relationship I ended a couple years ago. As a result of this discussion the girl asked me if I intended to remain chaste until marriage from this point on, and I am ashamed to say that I stumbled over myself trying to answer that question. If you had asked me the answer 3 months ago when I was single I would have said yes with little hesitation, however when presented with the question in the context of our conversation I gave a weak/non-commital answer (more or less “I would like to, but I realize that it isn’t always what happens.”) mostly because I was more concerned with giving an answer that would be acceptable to her than one that would be acceptable to God.

I have already gone to confession for this, but the issue concerns me greatly because it has brought a weakness that I was only vaguely aware of to full cognition in my mind/conscience. When it comes to close friendships or relationships I am simply too willing to sacrifice my moral standards/devotion to God in order to be better accepted by the other person.

Now fortunately in this case the girl did display the proper conviction regarding her intent to remain a virgin until marriage, but had the case been different that conversation could have easily sent me down a rather unfortunate path. The thing is the only reason I didn’t fall off the threshold in this case is because someone saw fit to pull me back.

Now knowing this I feel like I have a lot of growing/prayer/introspection that needs to occur to help me combat this…but it has made me feel uneasy about the relationship. This girl is someone whom I was friends with prior to dating, I care about her deeply, and if she had indicated a conversation like this had occurred with someone else I would have cautioned her about the situation. To some extent there may be some practicality in me backing off and sorting these issues out on my own. At the same time I don’t think there is really a good way for me to do this without hurting her substantially, especially since our relationship came from a well developed friendship.

Now she has indicated that she wants to talk about my response, and it may end up being the case that she decides it is better to back off on her own. Thing is, if she simply asks her questions and accepts it as is I am not sure what the wisest course of action for me is. So I was hoping to get some outside thoughts. Also if you feel that I should separate from this girl to work on my own issues before I start dating again some advice on how to actually do that when my emotions are running full-blast would be helpful.
 
Do you have a spiritual director? If so, what guidance did he or she give you? If not…maybe it is time for one? I am saying this only because I am impressed with your honesty and your desire to do the ‘next right thing’.
 
LSK said:
Do you have a spiritual director? If so, what guidance did he or she give you? If not…maybe it is time for one? I am saying this only because I am impressed with your honesty and your desire to do the ‘next right thing’.
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I do not, mostly because all of the priests and religious I know are excessively busy and I feel bad asking them to spend time on me. I am close with the priest I went to confession with about this, and he said I should be thankful that God put this girl in my life (he actually knows us both), but it wasn’t til after the confession that it really occurred to me that while it is true that the relationship benefited my growth through this event it may not really be good for her, so I don’t really have his full (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
I understand. You might want to expand your search a bit - perhaps there is a religious Sister or Brother that is available for spiritual direction?

I have actually acted as people’s spiritual director under the guidance of a good parish priest.

How about praying for one? Seriously, pray a novena for God to put the right spiritual director in your life. Personally, I believe (and I may be naive) that the manner in which you are TRYING to live your life bodes well for you and the woman who becomes your wife. I think by directly asking God to provide you with a Spiritual Director so that you can be the BESTEST CREATURE you can be will deepen your committment to the Christian Life.
 
About keeping it simple.

“I had no problem before not to respect the waiting time to get marriage and therefore i am not a virgin. But now today, i understand how wrong i was and i made a promise to our lord to wait this time.” Or " There was a time that i had no value to this and now i do. I am not a virgin but i made the decision to choose abstinence until marriage.

Use the words that feel right to you and just be honest.
 
If God put her in your life, there definitely is a reason! If you truly want to have a very real and lasting relationship with this girl then be frank, tell her you DO NOT INTEND TO ENGAGE in premarital sex and you would like to continue the relationship.

Trust me, many a friendship has been ruined because of sex. As you already know, it is oft times very hard to abstain, but with prayer and strong resolve you will be OK. Who knows, you two might one day get married! 😉

I’m rooting for you! 👍

Much Peace!

Mike 🙂
 
Your assessment and honesty impress me. Basically, you have to decide for yourself if you are committed to being a faithful Catholic or not. Your girlfriends side of things should not be a part of this process. Whether you stay together or not your faith tells you what needs to happen and it tells you quite definitely. Your next step is to move forward in this relationship, if she wants to, and commit to doing what is necessary to remain chaste together. There actually is nothing to work out, you already know what is right and what is wrong. If she decides to continue your relationship in spite of what you have shared with her there will be nothing left to discuss given what she has told you. My guess is your less then firm response has left her feeling she may not be able to continue dating you given how she wants to live.
 
Chantal25 said:
About keeping it simple.

“I had no problem before not to respect the waiting time to get marriage and therefore i am not a virgin. But now today, i understand how wrong i was and i made a promise to our lord to wait this time.” Or " There was a time that i had no value to this and now i do. I am not a virgin but i made the decision to choose abstinence until marriage.

Use the words that feel right to you and just be honest.
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See, this would be nice, and while it sounds good at the moment I cannot say with any honestly in regards to myself and my convictions that if I was in a situation with hormones and emotions running in high gear that this is what I would actually feel, or that if she began suggesting we bend the rules otherwise I would actually have the wisdom/fortitude to cut it off. Right now despite my intentions I fear that the chaste aspect of the relationship may be relying entirely on her not ever succumbing to a moment of weakness.

I do have one thing going for me in that I can work inside established boundaries to a near robotic effect if I’m not prompted to break them, but a few suggestive actions and words and I feel like that could come crumbling down. I cannot honestly say that I am ready to say “No” I wish I could, but for the moment I simply can’t.

And I will start praying for a spiritual director. Maybe that is what I really need. Hard to say.
 
If this is a woman worth marrying, she should be horrified by your noncommittal answer.

If you are a guy who should be married, you should look elsewhere if she isn’t horrified by your noncommittal answer.

Either way, you blew it. Sorry to be negative.
 
Nesrad said:
If this is a woman worth marrying, she should be horrified by your noncommittal answer.

If you are a guy who should be married, you should look elsewhere if she isn’t horrified by your noncommittal answer.

Either way, you blew it. Sorry to be negative.
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Somehow I don’t think: “I’m breaking up with you because you didn’t see fit to break-up with me.” is going to cut it.
 
PatrickSebast said:
Somehow I don’t think: “I’m breaking up with you because you didn’t see fit to break-up with me.” is going to cut it.
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If she didn’t even put up a fuss, you should think twice about marrying her. It’s hard to find a good woman, and even harder to find a good man, but it’s better to remain unmarried than to be badly married.
 
PatrickSebast said:
See, this would be nice, and while it sounds good at the moment I cannot say with any honestly in regards to myself and my convictions that if I was in a situation with hormones and emotions running in high gear that this is what I would actually feel, or that if she began suggesting we bend the rules otherwise I would actually have the wisdom/fortitude to cut it off. Right now despite my intentions I fear that the chaste aspect of the relationship may be relying entirely on her not ever succumbing to a moment of weakness.

I do have one thing going for me in that I can work inside established boundaries to a near robotic effect if I’m not prompted to break them, but a few suggestive actions and words and I feel like that could come crumbling down. I cannot honestly say that I am ready to say “No” I wish I could, but for the moment I simply can’t.

And I will start praying for a spiritual director. Maybe that is what I really need. Hard to say.
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You’re being honest. You’re being honest that you are weak. Good news! So is everyone! It is human nature to be frail and weak. The answer that would be both honest and heartening to your significant other is: “I know what the moral path is and I strive to keep myself on it. I’ve made mistakes in the past and I know this is an area of weakness for me. I can’t answer whether I will, in a moment of weakness, commit this sin again or not. What I can say is that I don’t want to and I want to be a faithful Catholic.”

That’s honest. That’s real.
 
Nesrad said:
If this is a woman worth marrying, she should be horrified by your noncommittal answer.

If you are a guy who should be married, you should look elsewhere if she isn’t horrified by your noncommittal answer.

Either way, you blew it. Sorry to be negative.
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That’s ridiculous. He wanted to say that he’s committed to chastity but was afraid of basically being a liar.

We’re human beings and thus we are all hypocrites. It’s a fact of life. Are you committed to a chaste life? Do you know what chastity involves? Yes? Great. Does that commitment mean you’re going to be perfect? Heck no. But it might mean that you’re more likely than not going to hit confession if you fall.
 
Patrick,

It may be that this girl is in fact letting you know that should you be thinking that way about her now or in the future, it is not going to happen until she is married.

So you can say to yourself that you don’t know how you will feel down the road, but if you are dating her and you continue to date her, this is where she stands, and if you end up in love with her and head toward marriage, you are going to be waiting too. 😉
 
The_Bucket said:
That’s ridiculous. He wanted to say that he’s committed to chastity but was afraid of basically being a liar.
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Please read the post. He said he was willing to sacrifice his moral standards to be acceptable to her. Nothing about afraid of being a liar.
 
PatrickSebast said:
See, this would be nice, and while it sounds good at the moment I cannot say with any honestly in regards to myself and my convictions that if I was in a situation with hormones and emotions running in high gear that this is what I would actually feel, or that if she began suggesting we bend the rules otherwise I would actually have the wisdom/fortitude to cut it off. Right now despite my intentions I fear that the chaste aspect of the relationship may be relying entirely on her not ever succumbing to a moment of weakness.
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Patrick,

I don’t understand your point at all. She wants to be virgin until marriage. You want to chaste. Perfect fit. What are the problems here?

You make me really confused.
 
Nesrad said:
Please read the post. He said he was willing to sacrifice his moral standards to be acceptable to her. Nothing about afraid of being a liar.
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She wants to be virgin until marriage. His moral standard is to chaste. What kind os sacrification he needs to make to be acceptable to her? I can hardly understand.
 
mayxanh said:
She wants to be virgin until marriage. His moral standard is to chaste. What kind os sacrification he needs to make to be acceptable to her? I can hardly understand.
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Would you marry your daughter to a guy who, when you ask him if he’s going to sleep with her before the wedding night, answers: “uh… I dunno”? Not me. Until his convictions are strong enough for him to answer correctly despite the prospect of getting lucky tonight, he’s not ready for marriage.

And if she replies, “that’s ok, I can live with that,” she’s saying that she’ll settle for less than perfect chastity. I wouldn’t want my boy to marry a girl like that.
 
mayxanh said:
Patrick,

I don’t understand your point at all. She wants to be virgin until marriage. You want to chaste. Perfect fit. What are the problems here?

You make me really confused.
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👍 It may end up being something besides chastity that is the dealbreaker.
You have both said your piece to each other. Why not just see where the dating goes?
 
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