Relationship advice - Where do I go from here?

[Lapalm]

I am 24, dating a 24 year old guy. Our 1 year anniversary is March 4, which is the first day we started talking on the phone. We were long distance from March until August - he moved from his home town to my state to be with me. I had dated a few guys before (nothing longer than a few weeks) that I’d met online or at parties, and he had never dated anyone before. He is actually one of my best friends cousins. She told me about him a few years back, and then last year around this time she told their grandma that we would be a good couple. I’ve known her for a few years, so it isn’t completely out of nowhere. Their grandma agreed and when he called her (his grandma) on her birthday, she told him about me and we started talking on the phone and the rest is history.

I have suffered from anxiety/OCD since middle school. There have been times in my life when it has consumed me completely. A frequent thought I would have is if I am called to religious life. For years, since high school, I would occasionally (every few months and/or years) feel an intense feeling and fear that God wanted me to be a nun. Parts of it brought me peace, but ultimately I decided, through lots of prayer and conversations, that God wants me to be happy, He doesn’t require me to make the biggest sacrifice to please Him. Even though, every time I hear a homily, or see a poster, or something about “being called” I feel like it is a sign and I should pay attention. The reason I have come to dismiss it is because of the intense anxiety it causes, not necessarily peace.

Back to my boyfriend. The first night we talked on the phone, we talked for 6 hours. He gave me his background and I gave him mine. At the end of the conversation, as part of a wrap up, we talked about marriage, and how we are both looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage. The second night we talked he said he felt like he was falling in love with me, to which I said I felt the same. The third night he said he loved me, and I responded, because I felt it too, but said that we shouldn’t say that until we see each other in person.

A few days later, he booked a flight to come see me. The trip was great. Very much a “honeymoon” for us. he went back home and told his parents “I’m going to move to Texas, because I’m going to marry this girl.” So he wrapped things up at home, and made plans to move close to me. 5 months later, in August, he officially moved here. He got a job at my (now our) parish/Catholic school as the IT and computer person.

Though there have been constant situations of anxiety, I ultimately felt peace about him moving here. I was worried about staying together and how things would work, but also felt, more than I ever have before, that it was right. He, on the other hand, has always said he knows we are going to get married today and he will never let me go and feels we are meant to be.

A few weeks ago, we had been going through a weird time, and I told him I was scared of being a nun again. That is kind of what sparked the hard time. Basically I read a book and it made me re-think that calling and wonder if we should break up and very much stressed me out. It was about 2 weeks ago when even more happened. We started talking about it and concluded that if I really think I should look more into the vocation, we should take space (not break up) to help figure things out. This was on a Sunday night. After finally talking about “space”, I realized that I didn’t even feel the need to discern religious life anymore, I felt at peace that we had decided to have space from each other. I felt like that was the underlying problem. I was feeling like I couldn’t be myself anymore and needed space to enjoy things I do. We had a tumultuous week of not seeing each other much, and not being able to just enjoy each other because of the place we were in. Finally, after nightly intense conversations, we both felt better about everything and had for the most part worked through things well.Regarding “space”, I felt good about us spending more time apart. We were stifling each other by spending SO MUCH time together. But now that we’ve been more distant, I feel so much more distant.

 

[Lapalm]

This week his dad is in town and staying with him so we haven’t really gotten another opportunity to spend too much time together. He did come over last night, we watched a tv show on netflix (How I Met your Mother) and both felt affected by it because the episode was about the main character and his fiance breaking up at the altar. Something that my boyfriend has expressed (both out of frustration, and genuinely) he feared happening if/when I bring up that I have anxiety or am questioning us.

We both just felt kind of aloof and distant from each other. And for the first time in our relationship, he was not sure what to say. We prayed out loud together (which we commonly do in stressful situations) and he just said “God I’m at a loss for words right now.” Typically, in prayer and in conversations, he is very confident and peaceful that we are going to be together and we are meant to be and asks God to lead us to marriage (if that is His will for us). This time, I sensed his doubt and confusion and being unsure of what to do/think/say.

Basically, I feel like I have been doubting for a long time whether we are meant to be. I question whether I am “in love” with him because although our lives and lifestyles are very compatible, I feel that for a long time I was excited about what our lives would look like (We will get married, start playing music together, own a business, be very happy and always work things out) and now I feel like I realize some of those things were kind of unrealistic and I’m left wondering if I love him, for him. It is hard for me to sort things out, so in a lot of ways I don’t trust my doubting thoughts, and I have to pick and choose what thoughts to believe in. He is extremely extremely supportive, even through all of this. He has said how hard it is to hear certain things from me (doubts, anxieties)I totally understand, but I also tell him I can’t really apologize because it is part of who I am now, it is genuine and something we need to deal with now or later, as unfair as it is.

Our relationship is hard. I forgot what it’s like to have a good time with him. In a lot of ways, I feel I judge him because his lifestyle included a lot of alone time before he met me. He has a hard time just sitting and talking to people (like going to bars, parties) and likes to keep his mind occupied. This bothers me because I think I always expected my significant other to be the loud, outgoing one (he is confident and personable, but less in tune with people and relating to them) and I find that I have to be the initiator of going out and I feel like I’m watching over to make sure he’s having a good time.

I feel like I have ultimately driven him to doubt and question us. And here he is, doubting and questioning. Part of me feels at peace knowing we will be together, but I also feel so distant from him and confused. He said last night that he forgot what it’s like to be with me, and to feel loved by me. And when we were both laying there talking, it just felt different. Something we both agreed on.

If anything, please pray for God’s peace and guidance in all of this. I want to get married to my boyfriend, but not just because it is easy and we are too scared to break up. I want us to both feel right, standing on that altar, completely committing our lives to one another. I just feel like I have prayed so many times during this relationship and it has been so hard to deal with all of this anxiety - it makes me question whether that is a good sign (we’ve been through a lot and have dealt with my anxiety so can make it through anything) or bad (we’ve had so many emotional upsets for two “grounded” people that maybe we are not, after all, meant to be).

Prayers, please.

Thank you for reading this extremely long story - there is so much more to include but I will not make you read more Any thoughts/prayers will help.

 

[bmullins]

Definitely praying for you and your boyfriend. I think that in the long run it boils down to discerning your vocation. It might be helpful to talk to someone at the Parish about finding a spiritual director who can help you do that. The priest would be a good place to start. Being a nun is a vocation, but being married is also a vocation. God calls us where he wants us. It’s important that you make sure that it’s God doing the calling and not you. Remember that he could also be calling you to serve him as a lay person. There are other orders of secular members (Franciscans, Dominicans, etc) that can be joined as a married wife. You can also serve the parish through various ministries, from being an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist, to being a volunteer for the RE program/teacher.

My wife and I met in a very similar way. I moved 600 miles away from my family to be with her. We are happily married with children, and it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I do know that it was God’s will though, he has made that abundantly clear. So spend some time in prayer, both of you together. Make sure his vocation is the same as well. Remember it takes 3 for 2 to become 1. You need God first on both of your parts, before the two of you can come together in a sacramental marriage.

 

[DexUK]

I am getting a hint that you and he might well have been in love with the idea of being in love and that you were at least partially sustaining your relationship on that.

Yes, it seems like a little time to take stock is a good idea. You don’t have to break up but you might just need the fresh air that a little time for yourselves gives you. I don’t think it’s healthy to live in each other’s pockets ALL the time because you inevitably end up stifling each other.

It all sounds you’ve had a very intense time of things. Both of you should relax a bit, care for each other, and stop stressing about the future or vocations. If God wants you for a nun or for marriage I’m sure that realisation will come through peace, not ordeal.

 

[chepner3]

Sounds like you need time - both of you. I would recommend breaking up, remain single (don’t even bother to date) and give yourself a year. Reconnect when at a set place and time and discuss it then.

This is one of the reasons why a couple shouldn’t live together before marriage. If either person has any doubts, it is just too difficult to separate. Him moving closer to you has put a similar burden on you. He is in your area and since he is new to the area, you may feel a certain responsibility for his well-being. You need an opportunity to make some important decisions in your life without a lot of outside pressure.

When it is time to get married, either to this guy or to some other guy or to the Lord, you’ll know. As you said, you’ll feel a sense of peace. That isn’t to mean you’ll never have doubts. The difference is when you do have doubts you can think about things and arrive at the same conclusion again and again.

Be more of yourself before you give yourself over to another. If you get married to this guy you want to give him the best gift of you that you can.

 

[Lapalm]

Thank you both.

I realized another component of our relationship.

My boyfriend is very confident and very much seeks peoples good opinions. For example, at work, he is quick to show his work and what he’s done in a way that kind of asks for people to compliment him.

I say that part in admiration but part because it bothers me. I am the opposite. I have a hard time thinking my work is good and saying anything about it. He has helped me realize (without directly telling me, just by me observing) that it is good to be proud and also tell people about my work - it helps people feel confident in what I do.

So on another note, part of me gets jealous when he tells me all the great things people say about him. They say them to me and him. We work very close (he at the school and I at the church) so we know a lot of the same people. I think it’s weird that I can’t just be happy and proud of him. I am so accepting of his love and praise, but when I have to give it it is not as easy to give.

Another note, I have a hard time committing to anything. I wanted to transfer high schools because I felt like I could make more friends at the public school. I wanted to transfer colleges because I wasn’t totally happy at my school. It took me years to believe in God and feel confident in God and not want to just run away or start completely over because when I thought about God/religion it stressed me out.

I don’t know if that sheds light at all. Thanks for replying and I know it is helping just to be able to write all of this out.

 

[Lapalm]

Just to confirm, we do not currently live together. I live with my parents, and he lives in an apartment about 1 mile away.

But yes, I understand what you mean about living very close and needing to tend to him. I have felt that in certain ways, but also it seemed very normal and natural for him to be here.

 

[Joe_5859]

I second bmullins advice to find a good spiritual director. Such a person would obviously be in a much better position to give you advice than any of us.

Discernment isn’t easy, and it seems to be a bit different for everyone. Just don’t fall into the trap of an over-devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Discernment. Eventually, a decision has to be made. But you definitely don’t have to rush it. You’re still young.

From my perspective, I think that telling a girl that you love her after the third phone conversation could be indicative that a guy forms attachments too quickly (which can be unhealthy). But then, my parents got married on the two month anniversary of having met…and now they’ve been married 35+ years. Sometimes you just know.

Still, don’t let his certainty pressure you into thinking he must be right. Both of you need to discern and be certain. You can’t ride on the coattails of another person’s discernment.

 

[twoangels]

I personally think you’re basing too many of your decisions on gut feelings. Do not confuse your feelings for God. Certainly God can plant things in our hearts, but if getting married or joining a convent were about which one we find more rewarding, we would lead our lives on a small boat caught adrift in the ocean.

Its important to recognize that your heart has no brain but your own. So rather than spend all your time dreaming ideally about what your dream marriage would be like or dreaming about what religious life would be life (Either absolutely wonderful or absolutely horrible but never inbetween), and start focusing on getting to know each other, guarding your heart and discerning through logic whether its a logical choice to marry each other. You two obviously have the feelings there. The thing to ask is are your feelings wise?

As for a religious vocation, God is not about to make you become miserable. The Church promotes discerning vocations because many people have no example of what religious life is like. They just think of it as “I never marry and that must be lonely and I live locked up in a convent with others who have done the same.” Its no different than if a person grew up in a household where the marriage was terribly healthy, abusive and disordered and went to church to get away from their family, found the priest didn’t have to deal with an abusive romantic relationship and choose the priesthood for that reason.

 

[shainski]

You two really make long-term decisions very quickly.

That would make me feel very uncomfortable. Really, falling in love after only speaking 3 times on the phone. Moving to another city so quickly.

And then the two of you working so close together.

I would need space as well. I think that the two of you being together so much gives you less to share and talk about. I think you can still make your relationship work - but it would be nice if you didn’t work at the same site.

Don’t talk about marriage plans - take things more slowly. Don’t crowd each other. Do things to allow yourselves to pursue other friends and hobbies and interests. Then you will each be more interesting to each other - and you can rejoice in each other’s successes.

 

[Irishmom2]

You two really make long-term decisions very quickly.

That would make me feel very uncomfortable. Really, falling in love after only speaking 3 times on the phone. Moving to another city so quickly.

And then the two of you working so close together.

I would need space as well. I think that the two of you being together so much gives you less to share and talk about. I think you can still make your relationship work - but it would be nice if you didn’t work at the same site.

Don’t talk about marriage plans - take things more slowly. Don’t crowd each other. Do things to allow yourselves to pursue other friends and hobbies and interests. Then you will each be more interesting to each other - and you can rejoice in each other’s successes.

Excellent post. I think you sometimes feel a kind of pressure to succeed in this relationship and it puts a strain on it. Yes, you need to slow down, spend time doing things you like separately, before you met. It is all just moving tooo quickly.
May God bless you and guide you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Back to my boyfriend. The first night we talked on the phone, we talked for 6 hours. He gave me his background and I gave him mine. At the end of the conversation, as part of a wrap up, we talked about marriage, and how we are both looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage. **The second night we talked he said he felt like he was falling in love with me, to which I said I felt the same. The third night he said he loved me, and I responded, because I felt it too, but said that we shouldn’t say that until we see each other in person. **

A few days later, he booked a flight to come see me. The trip was great. **Very much a “honeymoon” for us. he went back home and told his parents “I’m going to move to Texas, because I’m going to marry this girl.” **So he wrapped things up at home, and made plans to move close to me. 5 months later, in August, he officially moved here. He got a job at my (now our) parish/Catholic school as the IT and computer person.

I believe these are the crux of your problems. You talked for 6 hours the first night (excessive). The VERY NEXT NIGHT he is telling you that he is falling in love with you??

And the 3rd night, he IS in love with you?



He immediately comes to see you?

This is too intense. Now he has moved to where you are and you are under pressure to move the relationship into deeper waters because you are all the way down the road anyway. You have lost your ground because if you have already declared that you are in love with him, why would you NOT want to get engaged, get married, etc.?

Yet something inside you is saying “No.” You feel more anxious than happy. That is a big clue that you have gone too far. And he has gone too far from the get-go.

It is aggressive to move to someone’s home town AND get a job where she works. This to me says RED FLAG for an unhealthy relationship.

If I were you, I would cool it and fast. But now you have the uncomfortable situation where this man is actually WORKING where you are. And you have already lost all the ground you initially had, because you have been declaring that you love him. He can now pressure you with, “But you SAID YOU LOVED ME!! I moved here for you!!” etc. etc. etc.

I hope he will back off. You will know if he is obsessive if he cannot leave you alone. Let us know. Keep your space, do not spend all your time with him, cool down the relationship, put it on hold. Don’t pray with him, don’t go to church with him, don’t just hang out with him and don’t talk on the phone for 6 hours at a time. If he flips out on you, then you have a problem.

I will add you to my prayers.

 

[estesbob]

Just to confirm, we do not currently live together. I live with my parents, and he lives in an apartment about 1 mile away.

But yes, I understand what you mean about living very close and needing to tend to him. I have felt that in certain ways, but also it seemed very normal and natural for him to be here.

Have you talked to your Dr about OCD? I suggered from it for years and didnt realize it. My Dr prescribed me medication that did wonders for me.

 

[promethius]

I believe these are the crux of your problems. You talked for 6 hours the first night (excessive). The VERY NEXT NIGHT he is telling you that he is falling in love with you??

And the 3rd night, he IS in love with you?



He immediately comes to see you?

This is too intense. Now he has moved to where you are and you are under pressure to move the relationship into deeper waters because you are all the way down the road anyway. You have lost your ground because if you have already declared that you are in love with him, why would you NOT want to get engaged, get married, etc.?

Yet something inside you is saying “No.” You feel more anxious than happy. That is a big clue that you have gone too far. And he has gone too far from the get-go.

It is aggressive to move to someone’s home town AND get a job where she works. This to me says RED FLAG for an unhealthy relationship.

If I were you, I would cool it and fast. But now you have the uncomfortable situation where this man is actually WORKING where you are. And you have already lost all the ground you initially had, because you have been declaring that you love him. He can now pressure you with, “But you SAID YOU LOVED ME!! I moved here for you!!” etc. etc. etc.

I hope he will back off. You will know if he is obsessive if he cannot leave you alone. Let us know. Keep your space, do not spend all your time with him, cool down the relationship, put it on hold. Don’t pray with him, don’t go to church with him, don’t just hang out with him and don’t talk on the phone for 6 hours at a time. If he flips out on you, then you have a problem.

I will add you to my prayers.

This.

I was going to say that this progression went fast… creepily fast.

As Khalil Gibran, if I might quote a non-catholic, would say regarding relationships, dance, but leave room between you, and be as two beaches where there is space between you to be filled with love.

Without adequate space, you end up consuming one another rather than growing with one another… and it appears that this “relationship” has been about consumption from the get go.

 

[Lapalm]

I do understand your concerns.

I believe it sounds worse than it does. In order to explain that I really don’t feel he is taking over, I will give some more details:

He moved here because the time was opportune. At the time we met, he was playing as a one man band and had several shows lined up. He was also doing freelance websites, coaching youth soccer and working at a restaurant. All of the gigs he scheduled ended in the summer. Soccer ended in the summer and he was happy to quit the restaurant. He was seriously considering looking into a career of building guitars, playing music or doing websites. Still is, but probably more along the lines of building websites.

Anyways, the timing worked out that all of his commitments ended. He has an aunt, uncle and cousins that live here, and also the grandparents that introduced us live here. He originally moved down and got a fast food job to sustain himself, and then I introduced him to the school’s principal (whom I know fairly well) who asked if he could tutor and help out with the after school program because they were looking for someone. He said yes and was then offered a full time job, after several months of working there. He isn’t stalking me at work, he just happens to have fallen in a place that needs a good website/computer person and he fits the bill. I work at the church. We work a block away, but don’t see each other during the day, because our work doesn’t coincide at all.

A lot of what has happened, for me, has been for the most part peaceful. I felt like, even if things didn’t work out, it was good for him to move down here. It seemed like there was no better option. Because, he was either going to continue to settle in his hometown and find a job there, or find a job somewhere else. Does that make sense?

I agree that we are going too fast and need to live our separate lives. But I also know how rare it is for me to feel at peace with someone and I have, for the most part, with things. Just when I feel like I can’t choose because I am going to ruin everything or something.

I appreciate your replies. I really do. If anything, it makes me realize some of the things that are bothering me: I want us to have separate lives. I have mine here because I grew up here. He is largely dependent on me for life because he’s not as comfortable branching out. I also don’t think getting engaged too early is always a problem. I really do feel like every situation is different. I know people that have gotten engaged after weeks or months of knowing each other and are now living faith filled, happy marriages. Not saying we are engaged, just saying I feel like the long engagement is standard, and good, but not the path everyone has to take.

 

[Joe_5859]

I do understand your concerns.

I believe it sounds worse than it does. In order to explain that I really don’t feel he is taking over, I will give some more details:

He moved here because the time was opportune. At the time we met, he was playing as a one man band and had several shows lined up. He was also doing freelance websites, coaching youth soccer and working at a restaurant. All of the gigs he scheduled ended in the summer. Soccer ended in the summer and he was happy to quit the restaurant. He was seriously considering looking into a career of building guitars, playing music or doing websites. Still is, but probably more along the lines of building websites.

Anyways, the timing worked out that all of his commitments ended. He has an aunt, uncle and cousins that live here, and also the grandparents that introduced us live here. He originally moved down and got a fast food job to sustain himself, and then I introduced him to the school’s principal (whom I know fairly well) who asked if he could tutor and help out with the after school program because they were looking for someone. He said yes and was then offered a full time job, after several months of working there. He isn’t stalking me at work, he just happens to have fallen in a place that needs a good website/computer person and he fits the bill. I work at the church. We work a block away, but don’t see each other during the day, because our work doesn’t coincide at all.

A lot of what has happened, for me, has been for the most part peaceful. I felt like, even if things didn’t work out, it was good for him to move down here. It seemed like there was no better option. Because, he was either going to continue to settle in his hometown and find a job there, or find a job somewhere else. Does that make sense?

I agree that we are going too fast and need to live our separate lives. But I also know how rare it is for me to feel at peace with someone and I have, for the most part, with things. Just when I feel like I can’t choose because I am going to ruin everything or something.

I appreciate your replies. I really do. If anything, it makes me realize some of the things that are bothering me: I want us to have separate lives. I have mine here because I grew up here. He is largely dependent on me for life because he’s not as comfortable branching out. I also don’t think getting engaged too early is always a problem. I really do feel like every situation is different. I know people that have gotten engaged after weeks or months of knowing each other and are now living faith filled, happy marriages. Not saying we are engaged, just saying I feel like the long engagement is standard, and good, but not the path everyone has to take.

That’s why I always advise talking to a priest. There is always more to the story and we are all generally advising based on an incomplete picture.

Which is not to say we cannot be helpful. I am glad that you seem to have gleaned some good things from our comments rather than get offended because anyone mentioned “breaking up” as the best course of action.

I certainly don’t see the harm in taking a step back without necessarily breaking up. To me, it can only help clarify your perspective on the relationship. Either it will make you appreciate each other more, or else it will make you realize you want the distance to be even greater.

 

[Onegin]

I don’t know how helpful this is, as it is purely anecdotal advice from my own experiences, but what I have found is that the things that annoy you in the infancy of a relationship, those little “twinges” of discomfort over something someone says, a particular behavior or habit etc do not improve with time! They only get progressively worse with time and, eventually, the things that you felt you could deal with during the new and exciting stage of the relationship - if not addressed at some point - will grow into unbearable differences that drive people apart.

So, whatever your vocation may be, I would encourage you to identify those things you seem to be having issues with right now and attempt to resolve them ASAP. They aren’t going to go away and won’t be solved with a hasty engagement.

 

[Lapalm]

I don’t know how helpful this is, as it is purely anecdotal advice from my own experiences, but what I have found is that the things that annoy you in the infancy of a relationship, those little “twinges” of discomfort over something someone says, a particular behavior or habit etc do not improve with time! They only get progressively worse with time and, eventually, the things that you felt you could deal with during the new and exciting stage of the relationship - if not addressed at some point - will grow into unbearable differences that drive people apart.

So, whatever your vocation may be, I would encourage you to identify those things you seem to be having issues with right now and attempt to resolve them ASAP. They aren’t going to go away and won’t be solved with a hasty engagement.

I very much agree with that. I was doing a lot of research on relationships even before we started dating (I like doing research, talking to people, etc) and remember hearing that. And than also realizing that although I want things to change and we can talk about things changing (which in short term makes things sound great - we are talking about changing and both agree it’s good so we’re seemingly on the same page) we as people are going to be pretty much the same. So…sigh…thanks.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I very much agree with that. I was doing a lot of research on relationships even before we started dating (I like doing research, talking to people, etc) and remember hearing that. And than also realizing that although I want things to change and we can talk about things changing (which in short term makes things sound great - we are talking about changing and both agree it’s good so we’re seemingly on the same page) we as people are going to be pretty much the same. So…sigh…thanks.

Yes, never take someone on as a personal project. Trying to improve them in some way, thinking that with your help, they WILL improve, or feeling that the relationship will help them in some way - all pitfalls. Take people EXACTLY as they are, and you will not end up shaking your head later on and wondering what happened. If there are problems, don’t minimize those problems. Nor is anyone perfect, but if there are deal-killers in the initial stages, they aren’t going to magically disappear.

Be sure to spend time in an Adoration chapel if you possibly can. Jesus would love to hear all about your concerns.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I do understand your concerns.

I believe it sounds worse than it does. In order to explain that I really don’t feel he is taking over, I will give some more details:

He moved here because the time was opportune. At the time we met, he was playing as a one man band and had several shows lined up. He was also doing freelance websites, coaching youth soccer and working at a restaurant. All of the gigs he scheduled ended in the summer. Soccer ended in the summer and he was happy to quit the restaurant. He was seriously considering looking into a career of building guitars, playing music or doing websites. Still is, but probably more along the lines of building websites.
.

OK, but still. You were pledging your love to each other after 2 phone calls. Let that sink in for a while.