Relationship advice - Where do I go from here?

[Lapalm]

It really wasn’t that weird for me. It was intense, I will agree. I guess knowing my boyfriend and myself, we are both pretty serious people who are kind of like old people. That sounds depressing - I guess I mean we each, separately had our moments of craziness, but were also both very committed to our beliefs and prided ourselves on making smart decisions. ex: saving money, not drinking too much, putting away money for retirement. Being smart in those ways and very future oriented.

Also, having been around at least 4 couples that I know, and very much look up to, who got engaged anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months, It did not feel that weird for me. A big step, yes, but it felt normal to say it and I took that as a good sign.

Can I ask, how did things go when your relationship first started and you eventually got engaged and then married? I am genuinely interested, trying to get a better idea of where you’re coming from.

 

[shainski]

One good thing to come from this thread is that you are fighting for yourself and your boyfriend.

There are lots of different cultures in the world - and one way of looking at courtship may not transcend to other cultures. It seems to me that anyone who gets engaged after 2 weeks is asking trouble. Now if they had a long engagement, that might make up for a short period of time to profess their commitment. (after all, they could still back out).

But the timeframe of your dating and engagement can vary with age and experience. Certainly a 35 year old may understand him/herself and have the ability to understand others better than a 19 year old.

Maybe it is just me, but if a woman said she loved me on our second or third phone call, it would scare me. I would likely back away. It would seem to me that either the meaning of love to her is very superficial or else she was waiting for some man to come along and was going to fall in love with whomever it was.

That’s not to say that some people may not feel in love after a short time. I think it would normally be better to wait a while to profess it.

But in your case, it didn’t scare you off.

In my case, my wife and i dated for nearly a year before one of us first proclaimed love. Even then it seemed soon to me. But after much contemplation, i did propose to her - almost on our first anniversary of our first date. And we married on that date the next year.

I’ve known people who have had short engagements and they have worked. I’ve known people who had endless engagements that seemed meaningless.

But you came on here because you felt smothered. I concurred that i would likely feel smothered if i were in the same circumstances. I don’t advise that you break up. But i do advise that you back away a bit from each other.

He is new to your area, so, he depends on you more than you depend on him. (For social interaction). That may change as he establishes himself. I would encourage you to encourage him to develop friends and interests in your area apart from you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh, I am so not a shining example of what to do! In fact, I am more of a dire warning of what NOT to do! (Grew up in the 1970’s and 1980’s if that tells you anything - free love, sex, drugs, etc.)



I just have a lot of life experience (old enough to be your mom if not your granny) and some of it has been the non-so-nice kind…And so when I see someone jumping straight from not even knowing someone, into “I love you, I’m moving where you are,” it sets off my alarm bells. Not to say you can’t have an attraction to that person, feel an affinity for him, etc. but love doesn’t happen in 3 phone calls, not real love.

But I will admit that I have a negative outlook on things like that, and it sometimes does work out long term. If I were your mom, I’d tell you to take it more slowly, not to declare your love for this young man right away, and to guard your heart. That’s all.

 

[Lapalm]

Haha oh ok. I was not intending that to sound rude at all - just wondering where you were coming from.

Actually…the person that got engaged after 2 weeks is my youth minister (Not mine, but I’m a volunteer on his core team), they have been happily married for 7 years. I do have to say that he was previously married and his previous wife had an abortion before he converted to Catholicism. His current wife had some previous issues also so, they had a lot of experience. Also, my current boss (I work part time at a non profit) knew his wife for less than a month as well before they got engaged and they’re also happily married. My boyfriends boss, the principal of the school, said he knew his wife for 6 months before they got engaged. My admissions counselor at my college (he was kinda a friend - on facebook at least knew his wife for 2 months, they got engaged and than married 9 months later. I am not using these all to say that we should get married. Just that I realized how many people seemed to “jump the gun” and things have worked out. All very faithful people that are devoted to their Catholic faith.

I do agree that love doesn’t happen in that short of time. If this is any consolation…his grandma (who knows him pretty well. They aren’t super close, but for being almost 80 she is very with it and down to earth) thought we would be great together. Being one of my best friend’s grandmas as well, I have known her since I was in 2nd or 3rd grade so she somewhat saw me grow up.

Ok, I feel like I am trying to make things sound better but I’m not! I easily get caught up in thinking about what other people say. And not just my boyfriend, people in general. If I am seeking for an answer or resolution, I will latch on to others words. Explaining all of this has helped me put things into perspective.

Sorry to type out my life story here. Just good to have people grounded in Christ giving advice and experience.

 

[chepner3]

You wrote: “I agree that we are going too fast and need to live our separate lives. But I also know how rare it is for me to feel at peace with someone and I have, for the most part, with things. Just when I feel like I can’t choose because I am going to ruin everything or something.”

And I was struck by your belief about “how rare it is” for you to feel at peace with someone and your fear of ruining everything. I know you feel like you’re an adult now and your life should be more figured out, but when you’re 39 and looking back at your 24-yr old self, you’re going to see how much you’re really just starting out. In short, you don’t have a long track record of “being at peace with someone”. Frankly, most guys aren’t even worth being around until they are at least 25. Before that their brains are driven by growth hormones that make them think and act weird (literally, there is another growth spurt in the early 20’s). So unless you’ve been dating a lot of men much older than you (you at 18 and them at 26, for instance), I contend that you don’t have a lot of reason to have felt at peace with anyone you’ve dated so far. And that growth hormone thing works for both genders, BTW.

I promise you, your life WILL settle down. By your account he isn’t even fully launched in a career yet. You both have time. You both NEED time.

Yes, yes, I know there are tons of marriages that have worked out that were spontaneous or even with couples who were extremely young when married. There were also tons of marriages like that that didn’t work out. Besides, that was them and this is YOU. Give yourself a chance to become the person you want to be before you give yourself over to someone or something else. When I was a young adult I desperately wanted to become a nun but they wouldn’t take me. I was too young. They insisted that I experience the world first to know what I was giving up. I was devastated at the time by that decision but in hindsight they were right. Now I’m a mother and that is an experience I would never have wanted to miss.

If you don’t want to take a break from the relationship, how about this. Take a small break - a weekend or a week - and give each other an assignment. Each of you write down your values, priorities and goals. Look for “values” word lists on the internet. Pick the top 20 that apply to you. Narrow down that list to 10 then put them in order of importance (priorities). Pick the top 3.

Happiness is found when we spend the majority of our time living a life that matches our top three values. Write goals designed to move your lifestyle to a place where you are a reflection of your values. For instance, if an adventurous spirit is a high priority, then a goal may be to get a job where I travel frequently.

After you have each individually written your values, priorities and goals, compare notes. Are there any goals on either list that would be best accomplished before you get into a committed relationship? Do you have similar dreams?

Emotions are great but you write a lot with “I feel” instead of “I believe”. Be sure of what you BELIEVE. Be sure of the values that you hold dear and act with conviction to carry out those values - no matter how you feel.