Relationship Advice

[CatholicPen]

I am a Roman Catholic convert, for a year and a half. I am quite serious about the faith and confident that it will remain that way. I am fairly involved in church activities, being in a young adult community, that meets for bible sharing and sessions on the faith.

She is a cradle Catholic. I met her a year ago when she came back to the community. She is studying overseas and only comes back one or twice a year. So a year ago, during community sessions we had some limited interactions. The group went overseas together and I had the chance to talk to her more. After that we went for two nature walks, community event, first initiated by her and then by me. Us being nature lovers.

After a few months, she return overseas for studies. I wasn’t really into her at the start, and it was only after visiting her overseas during my work trip that feelings developed. We started emailing, messaging each other maybe once a week. Just small chats and greetings.

She came back recently and I asked her to buy some stuffs for me which I shall admit is partially to get the chance to catch up with her. And we did. She likes to talk about her family and friends which is something I don’t get from other friends, not that often. Anyway she then invited me to a nature seminar which I went.

Though she does takes the initiative to talk to me for sessions and is friendly, I cannot be sure she likes me, though that is what I suspect. Most of the times, I can tell if a girl is interested.
So much for the story, the problem I have on hand is - the next step.

She will be gone in a week time. This time round for six months. And she said though she would like to have a job back here, she may end up working overseas. I have always thought that I should not act and distract her from her goals and future, especially since she is quite busy these crucial months. On the other hand, I am thinking if I had been too cautious or timid and I should be more responsible and admit my feelings for her to her. Not exactly seeking to change our current status but just to let her know and maybe to keep in contact more regularly.

 

[aicirt]

She’ll be gone in a week for the next six months. Is there a book, music or something you could give her for her flight? Keep it on a friendly basis. Stop by and wish her well, take her out to dinner, ask if she needs a ride to the airport. Keep it light but tell her you’d like to keep in touch.

Once a week e-mails and let her pick-up the pace. Six months is a long time so just keep being friends and court her as best you can.

 

[Carolus_Martell]

Don’t make it any harder than it is.

If this is the only girl that you’re personally interested in then the next time an opportunity presents itself, like a still moment during the nature walk; just ask her…‘do you think we could have a future together?’

A girl that just wants to be friends is not a candidate for a closer relationship requiring a commitment, and while that may be heartbreaking; it’s better to learn of this sooner rather than later.

 

[dontlookdown]

Be brave, tell her how you feel. Most will people will tell you that the worst that can happen is that she will reject you. I say the worst that can happen is regret, and it can follow you around for the rest of your life. Good luck, I’ll pray for you.

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

You wrote “admit my feelings.” Putting it that way is sort of like admitting a crime!

If you continue to be cautious and not tell her what you want from her and with her, I will make a prediction that she will never be your wife.

However, if you tell her directly and clearly what you want with her, then what? No, there’s no guarantee. She clearly likes you, to some degree. But young women will spend lots of time with young men they will never marry. And vice versa. But if you go this path, you HAVE A CHANCE. That’s all you can ever get, is a chance. Women in our society have free will, and they get to choose who they will or will not get engaged to.

But, there’s more: You’ve heard the phrase “Never let 'em see you sweat.” You must never let this woman see how afraid you are that she will reject you. I don’t know if you can stop actually being afraid of that. But you must never let her see it or know about (until long after the wedding!). If a women is attractive (and I can tell that this woman is), they have lots of guys pursuing them all the time. They get to pick and choose from among their suitors (unless they are from a traditional family in India, perhaps). One of the key deciding factors is sort of unconscious: they want a man who is a father-figure type. They want someone who is stronger, more confident, more competent than they are. Yes, in modern times, feminist era times, most won’t admit that. Maybe they don’t even consciously know it. But they end up “loving” and marrying a man who is, while being in their own age range, nevertheless is a sort of father figure. A father is never afraid of his daughter. A father loves his daughter and gives her good things and makes things fun for her and sweeps her off her feet. In a courtship that works, the man is the father figure and the woman is the daughter figure.

The opposite of being a father figure is being a boy figure. What is the essence of being a boy? A boy is AFRAID. A boy hides in his mother’s skirt. If you act afraid with this woman, if you act afraid to tell her what you want with her, then her unconscious mind will see you as a BOY FIGURE and not a FATHER FIGURE and she will never get engaged to you or marry you.

So, stand before a mirror and shout: “I am not a BOY! I am a FATHER. I am not afraid of the world. I am in charge of my world. I am not afraid of any woman!” And so on.

One more thing: Don’t put this all in terms of telling her how you feel. Rather, tell her want you WANT with her. Tell her what you want WITH her. If you put it in terms of “admitting” or “confessing” your feelings, that signals that you are AFRAID, afraid of rejection. It signals that you view your affection as worthless.

A manly man does not show fear of rejection or defeat. A manly man doesn’t always win in fact, but he acts like he always expects to win and deserves to win. A manly man values himself and the affection he offers to a select few others.

I once read that Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, while on his first date with Coretta Scott, said to her, “I’m going to marry you. You’re going to be my wife.” Her answer was something like, “Oh yeah?” But, he made it happen. Now, Dr. King was not a perfect person, and is not a role model for everything. And of course, making such an announcement on every first day will not generally be a good idea. But, in general, there is the old Roman saying “Fortune favors the bold.” One Latin version is: “Audentes fortuna iuvat.” While shy, timid, cautious guys are taking a long time to make a committed relationship with women they really like, bold, audacious guys are, behind the scenes, making their moves and winning the day.

You wrote: " I should be more responsible…" No! Don’t think that way. Be more AMBITIOUS! Go for what YOU WANT. You have no “responsibility” to get married, have sex, and make children. You have no “responsibility” to end up spending your life with a woman you really like and respect. You can be single all your life. Or you can marry a woman that you really don’t like or respect. Unleash your desires. Go for what you want (while operating within the framework of Catholic morals).

God favors the bold and the holy.

Relationships cannot be equal partnerships. Someone must be the leader, the “Alpha.” In this kind of relationship we are discussing, that someone must be YOU, because you are the man. You must take charge, you must be the leader, though in a way that is not brutish or vulgar or bullying or crude. But, a leader in a free society can only lead those who freely choose to follow. So, you must act like a leader and invite this woman to follow. She may follow. She may not, but if so, there will be others. But if you don’t lead and make the invite, if you don’t create fun and sweep her feelings up into a relationship with you, then some other dude who does those things will end up with her.

Stop being so polite and deferential and excessively “respectful” of her choices if her choices take her away from YOU. Tell her you don’t want her to go overseas anymore, and instead stay with you. Or, tell her you want to go with her. Long distance relationships do not work. In this case, you don’t even have that, of course. You must take the view that there is NOTHING better for her in some other country that compares with being with YOU. Actually say to her: “I don’t want you to go. Stay here. I want us to be a couple.” Something like that. Otherwise, she will go, and that’ll be the end of it. Some bold, confidence French or Italian guy will sweep her off her feet over there.

Did you ever see that movie “Crazy Stupid Love”? Some of what I’ve wrote is dramatized and taught in that movie by Ryan Gosling to Steve Carrell. See: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crazy,_Stupid,_Love.

 

[Bezant]

I am a Roman Catholic convert, for a year and a half. I am quite serious about the faith and confident that it will remain that way. I am fairly involved in church activities, being in a young adult community, that meets for bible sharing and sessions on the faith.

She is a cradle Catholic. I met her a year ago when she came back to the community. She is studying overseas and only comes back one or twice a year. So a year ago, during community sessions we had some limited interactions. The group went overseas together and I had the chance to talk to her more. After that we went for two nature walks, community event, first initiated by her and then by me. Us being nature lovers.

After a few months, she return overseas for studies. I wasn’t really into her at the start, and it was only after visiting her overseas during my work trip that feelings developed. We started emailing, messaging each other maybe once a week. Just small chats and greetings.

She came back recently and I asked her to buy some stuffs for me which I shall admit is partially to get the chance to catch up with her. And we did. She likes to talk about her family and friends which is something I don’t get from other friends, not that often. Anyway she then invited me to a nature seminar which I went.

Though she does takes the initiative to talk to me for sessions and is friendly, I cannot be sure she likes me, though that is what I suspect. Most of the times, I can tell if a girl is interested.
So much for the story, the problem I have on hand is - the next step.

She will be gone in a week time. This time round for six months. And she said though she would like to have a job back here, she may end up working overseas. I have always thought that I should not act and distract her from her goals and future, especially since she is quite busy these crucial months. On the other hand, I am thinking if I had been too cautious or timid and I should be more responsible and admit my feelings for her to her. Not exactly seeking to change our current status but just to let her know and maybe to keep in contact more regularly.

Tough one.

Ordinarily, I would say tell her you fancy her. Understandably it’s embarrassing to admit, but what’s the worst that could happen? Clearing the air, I think, is better than letting month by month go by in suspense. (Especially if you’re like me and make it obvious that you fancy a girl. )

But considering the time and travel circumstances, I think you should hold off on that until she returns.

 

[CatholicPen]

Thanks everyone for the kind and frank advice. I know I can definitely use more courage.
It really provide a mirror into myself and I now better understand what is wrong with my thinking.

I will ask her out for meal and be confident in telling her not just my feelings but also what I want for us. God be with me.

 

[chevalier]

Good luck! I was about to offer you some advice but the last two posts (including yours) made it irrelevant. Just be prepared that women can be difficult to read in such situations and depending on her personality the same situation can mean either marriage on the horizon or being friend-zoned. If she’s a person to want friendship from her husband, then it sounds like you might have a stronger chance than if she were a more partying, chemistry-oriented person.

 

[CatholicPen]

Thanks Chevalier. Really amazing words from you. I was thinking about the same thing that maybe I am being friend-zoned. She is a Catholic afterall, so hopefully she believes in friendship before courtship.

Only a few days left. I am thinking what exactly to tell her on the day of departure.
To stay in touch and let things flow naturally
Or to be firm and bold, which I am afraid may put us in an awkward situation.

 

[chevalier]

Thanks Chevalier. Really amazing words from you. I was thinking about the same thing that maybe I am being friend-zoned. She is a Catholic afterall

Thank you for your kindness–much appreciated. Her being a Catholic does change a lot of variables in the equations but Catholics are people too and we’re also all very different from each other in surprising ways sometimes, largely impenetrable to each other. So you can’t really have a guarantee.

so hopefully she believes in friendship before courtship.

Just a thought: how much is friendship before courtship important to you and in what sense, as in it comes before in precedence (is more important) or should follow first chronologically (come first time-wise)? And at any rate, what’s important is that you feel the love, acceptance, kindness, respect and support flowing both ways, the what happens when and in what order is ultimately far less important. And, between the two of you, the problem can indeed be reduced to does she want to be with you or not. Don’t overthink it! Or it’s gonna hurt.

Only a few days left. I am thinking what exactly to tell her on the day of departure.
To stay in touch and let things flow naturally
Or to be firm and bold, which I am afraid may put us in an awkward situation.

I’d suggest being honest, forthright and natural, without trying to design outcomes. How about you think about what you really want and not about, say, plausible tactical stages? Have the courage to reach for your dreams, put the real thing on the table, see how she reacts. If she’s not onboard with you, move on.

(Which should, in fact, reduce the awkwardness in any case. IMHO a lot of awkwardness comes from not speaking openly but playingly tactically, which is what people tend to do in such circumstances.)