Relationship advice

[Lou2U]

Well done. You’re doing everything right, and you’re doing what you should be, which is giving yourself time to think about everything.

If you want to talk to her or text her and you want to do it with someone there, that’s what you should do. Just make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in doing it, and don’t feel obligated to make it a long phone call, or a long text if you don’t want to.

Any steps you take will be steps forward. Keep in your head what you want and go for it. You’ll get to where you want to be.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Well done. You’re doing everything right, and you’re doing what you should be, which is giving yourself time to think about everything.

If you want to talk to her or text her and you want to do it with someone there, that’s what you should do. Just make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in doing it, and don’t feel obligated to make it a long phone call, or a long text if you don’t want to.

Any steps you take will be steps forward. Keep in your head what you want and go for it. You’ll get to where you want to be.

Lou

I think I’ll open what she sent me tonight. I’ve been writing out my thoughts all last night and today.

It’s going to hurt. I know it can’t be anything good at all. But I feel like the space has given us both time to think and soften any blows that will be dealt.

I’m still a little flip-floppy, but I think I know in my heart that I can’t change her. Plus whatever she sent me will finally let me know who she really is.

I’m reminded of when she told me that we should break-up before. How she said she missed me that same night. Now, after a month, she hasn’t texted me anything. It makes me wonder.

The thing is, I’ve kind of always known that we’re too different. But that’s what I liked about her. It was almost an idea of a life that I couldn’t live with her. That was the hope I always had within me. I suppose tonight will show me if hope is still alive or if I should try moving on.

Thanks.

 

[JustinK]

All it said was ‘Hey.’

And my heart is melting again.

And missing her.

And I need to stand firm.

I might just show her everything I wrote.

 

[Lou2U]

It’s okay to feel like you keep changing your mind. If you think about it, missing her and wanting to get back together don’t have to be paired together. You had years together as a couple, of course you miss her. But that doesn’t mean you forget what you’ve realised, and it doesn’t mean you should, or will, get back together. And knowing that maybe you weren’t compatible doesn’t automatically mean you can move on. It just means you know how you feel, which is a good thing.

If you want to, show her what you wrote. It’s okay to tell her that she’s hurt you, that you’ve been trying to work out how to move forward without her. It’s okay to tell her that you feel less guilty and selfish. If you do want to get back together and you want it to be different, you need to feel able to tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t like it, then nothing will change and that’s your cue to move on without her.

Don’t put limits on yourself. You can have the life you want to have - you just have to not rule yourself out from it because you don’t think you can. I do understand what you mean - someone so different is good, but at the same time, there needs to be common ground, like you say. And maybe, as you say, it’s stopping you from really being able to understand each other. Maybe it can change, maybe it can’t. But don’t let yourself go back to that time when you feel selfish and guilty. Be fair to yourself.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

It’s okay to feel like you keep changing your mind. If you think about it, missing her and wanting to get back together don’t have to be paired together. You had years together as a couple, of course you miss her. But that doesn’t mean you forget what you’ve realised, and it doesn’t mean you should, or will, get back together. And knowing that maybe you weren’t compatible doesn’t automatically mean you can move on. It just means you know how you feel, which is a good thing.

If you want to, show her what you wrote. It’s okay to tell her that she’s hurt you, that you’ve been trying to work out how to move forward without her. It’s okay to tell her that you feel less guilty and selfish. If you do want to get back together and you want it to be different, you need to feel able to tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t like it, then nothing will change and that’s your cue to move on without her.

Don’t put limits on yourself. You can have the life you want to have - you just have to not rule yourself out from it because you don’t think you can. I do understand what you mean - someone so different is good, but at the same time, there needs to be common ground, like you say. And maybe, as you say, it’s stopping you from really being able to understand each other. Maybe it can change, maybe it can’t. But don’t let yourself go back to that time when you feel selfish and guilty. Be fair to yourself.

Lou

I was reading my old writing about her and I realized a few things.

She told me when we started talking that she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or relationship. That was almost 5 years ago now. I guess I let that slide my mind, because we kept talking.

The next thing that I saw was that a year into whatever this was, we had communication problems. I saw how that hasn’t changed much at all in 4 years. I mean, we got better at other things like finding new ways to connect and talk. But we never brought up our feelings about things. She once told me that she felt like she could tell me anything. I thought about how I haven’t felt the same way in a long time.

The last thing I realized was how much confusion and hurt I’d been through with this over the years. It was a cycle that just kept going. I saw how she wanted me there only when she wanted. When she decided she wanted to not be there, she wasn’t.

All of this made me understand how I either need to talk to her one last time or move on. I will not stand for being somebody’s backup. I need to respect myself enough for that, at least.

I mentioned how she contacted me on Snapchat and my coworker told me that means she probably deleted my number. That made me think of things differently. He still thinks that I should talk to her because she is still on my mind. But I have conflicting thoughts. I think of the times she hurt me or argued and then came back with a ‘hey’ like nothing happened. This time, something did happen. But he tells me that at least she reached out to me.

I got some advice the other day that made me ponder things in a different way. I was told to find happiness before trying to work things out or trying another relationship. They told me to think about my life and where I want to be. For the first time, I thought about it and it made me happy and excited about a future.

He also conveyed to me the definition of ‘saved’. In Hebrew, it translates to ‘deliver from dysfunction’. He gave me the example of how, in a plane crash, you put the oxygen masks on your children before yourself. How you can’t save them if you’re passed out. I know her life is dysfunctional, according to me. That’s why I thought I could bring new views of love into her life. But see, I had a revelation. Maybe I need to save myself from this dysfunctional relationship in order to move on.

He told me there are different versions of love. You can love your first cup of coffee in the morning, your family, your pets, etc. Maybe I have to find a way to love her from afar. I know the final test is going to be when I see her with someone else and I’m just happy that she is. I sometimes want to know if my happiness makes her happy.

But even so, I still miss her more than anything and my mind keeps going back to imagining a life with her. Then I have to tell myself how she might not be the one like I thought. I also have a hard time with the fact that I’ve bee passive for so long, bringing things up, even if they change, will possibly lead to other issues down the road. That will lead to being blinded again or pushing them to the side because I’d feel like I shouldn’t ask for more. Then I’m changing who she is. I want the relationship to change for the better. But again, that might be just trying to move on.

I had another coworker look at me weird when I told him that working through this will just lead things being resolved. He asked me why I wouldn’t want that. I meant that if we get through this, the biggest issue we’ve ever had, there’s not much left to work and she’ll see it as us getting through something big, so why should something small to her but big to me be bothered with.

I look too far into things. It’s just the way my mind works. It’s my greatest gift and my greatest curse.

It doesn’t feel any better to know that I’m losing a best friend in all of this, too.

On a good note, I did something for myself tonight. I actually shaved instead of trimming my beard. I know, it’s silly. But it’s a small change. It made me feel good about myself.

There’s a lyric I want to share with you:

‘When you fall
when you break
when you wish you didn’t feel
keep your head
don’t forget
it’s the pain that makes us real
I know most of the time
it’s hard to keep in mind
from the lessons learned
comes a better life.’

As always, thank you for the continued support. It means more than you know.

 

[Lou2U]

You know, I found a quote today: “I will not be your ‘sometimes’”. It wasn’t fair of her to say she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, but letting you think you could be. It wasn’t fair of her to ask and ask of you, but never return it when you needed.

Your co-worker’s right in that she reached out to you. Now, you get to choose what you want to do. Take your time with it. If you want to talk to her, you can do it. It doesn’t have to lead to getting back together, and it probably won’t lead you to stop missing her, but if you think it will help you to put all of your thoughts out and she what she says, you can do it. I know what you mean about having an argument, and then moving on like it never happened. Sometimes, the best words to hear are “I’m sorry”, because it’s an acknowledgment that yes, something did happen, and the other person can recognise that they were wrong.

Maybe I need to save myself from this dysfunctional relationship in order to move on.

Yes. The only way out is through. You can’t fix dysfunction without two willing parties, and you don’t have that right now. If only one of you wants to change something, it can’t happen. You’ll end up being disappointed, and you’ll have to accept that or end the relationship. And you accepted it because you didn’t want it to end, but that didn’t get rid of the dysfunction. Being there for her at all hours, only doing things with her, only talking to her, letting her take and not give, only added to it.

I found another quote, which I think is so true:

Perhaps
we should love ourselves
so fiercely
that when others see us
they know exactly
how it should be done.

You’re right in how you’re thinking. Don’t let yourself doubt or contradict what you know it true. You know how she treated you wasn’t right. You know that you feel happier without all the pressure she put on you to be there for her 24/7. Don’t think so much that you tie yourself in knots. Trust yourself. Things like shaving your beard - you’re doing something for you, for your happiness, because you want to. Don’t let yourself forget how that feels.

I like the lyrics, especially “when you wish you didn’t feel, keep your head”. It’s very true. I saw this poem today, which made me think of how, no matter how much we try to keep people with us, sometimes it doesn’t work out. And it made me think that sometimes, the fact of holding on so hard shows that we already know, deep down, that it won’t last:

The night will never stay,
The night will still go by,
Though with a million stars
You pin it to the sky;
Though you bind it with the blowing
wind
And buckle it with the moon,
The night will slip away
Like sorrow or a tune.

I hope it helps.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. It was a rough few nights. Couldn’t sleep. Ended up crying a lot and thinking about her. She’s literally everywhere. Spraying pans, cutting green peppers, in clouds and candy. Whenever I eat, it’s weird not sending her pictures. When I shower, I imagine her getting ready for work. When I try to sleep, all I want to do is be with her as I trace her tattoos and kiss her cheek.

You’re right. I was tired of being her ‘sometimes.’ I think that’s why I needed this break. I couldn’t keep being there for her like I had been throughout the years. I felt trapped and stressed. Like living any life that wasn’t for her was a waste of time.

I haven’t texted her back yet for the simple fact of not having a clue what to say. I can’t go back to feeling trapped. But if I tell her that, she’ll see it as me not wanting to talk to her. I do want to. More than anything. It’s tempting not to listen to her old voicemails that she left me. But part of me knows that won’t accomplish anything but more confusion in my heart and mind. I have to remember how it was a cycle that never changed. That’s why I had to make it change. Part of my mind begs me to move on. To think of it as a learning experience. But then the other part wants - needs closure. But see, if I talk to her and try to fix things… there’s just too much to fix. And I know my mind will blame me if it really ends. ‘If only my values or way of thinking was different’ ‘Didn’t you want someone different from you so you could grow with them?’ And on and on. I think telling her I’m sorry won’t even begin to convey to her how sorry I am. I feel like we both led each other on at certain points. Sometimes, I didn’t know if I really wanted it because it took so much out of me. But then why am I still stuck on the idea of it working out?

I agree that you can’t fix anything without two people working on it. I’m finding my mind is making excuses for her. It makes sense why she wanted me there because it was long distance. Our schedules were flipped so of course she’d want to see me right after I got off work. Of course she wanted me to herself. But then I think of the times she told me it felt like I didn’t care if I wanted to go out, or was late, or if I had to work an overnight shift. It got to a point where I became silent because I knew if I told her that I wanted to go out with friends or had to work, she’d be disappointed because she waited up for me or something else.

It feels like it’s been forever that I’ve loved myself. I’ve always been one to put others before me. Just a silent observer who took it all in. Wishing I could have what they had. I’m reminded of a talk I had with my mom last Sunday. She asked me to put myself in her shoes. ‘You see your son and every time, he seems unhappy. You can’t stop his crying and it hurts that you can’t do anything to change it.’ She asked me what would make me happy. I simply said, ‘Of course I can get a new apartment without kids living there, go to Europe, get a new computer to play games with friends.’ But something stops me. In our bathroom, there is a saying on the sink ‘Life is too short to be anything but happy.’ I look at that and still feel selfish when I think of just living life and not having things to worry about. Bills and rent and things, sure. But to me, those don’t truly matter in the long run. Just things that are a part of life.

I think you’re right. I told my mom one time that maybe, I liked the relationship more than her at times. She told me it made sense. But I’m a guy who, once he focuses on something, I can’t stop until I see it through. There was a point a few years back that I knew it was going to have to be either all in or all out with her. That there was no in between. I think that’s when I decided to try going all in. Perhaps now is my chance to work on myself, whatever that means. But it’s scary because to me, that means giving up on this. A loss of hope I’ve had for years that never really came to fruition. It just, it just angers me how she’s off living her life and I’m still stuck on this. Out of fear? Loyalty?

I’m reminded of another lyric:

‘Relying on the selfishness of just pleasing me
Relying on the past will never make you free
Just delay you.’

It does help a lot. To be able to talk through thoughts and emotions with someone is a great thing.

As always, thank you.

 

[JustinK]

The other night I found a sheet on our table entitled: How to Fight Fair and Help Your Relationship Even in Conflict.

Be respectful - Don’t call names, use sarcasm, or belittle them. Never put each other down. Know that to hurt them is to hurt yourself. If you relapse into harsh words, immediately apologize.

Keep the problem the problem - Do not personalize it. Attack the problem not the person. Maintain ownership of your part of the disagreement. Use ‘I’ or ‘We’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements.

Stay on one subject - Stay on the subject until there is some kind of a resolution. Don’t bring in other problems. Handle one at a time.

Use time-outs as needed - If tempers rise and you find yourself losing control, put the argument on ‘hold’ and agree to meet back at a specific time when things have calmed down a little.

Listen for understanding - Make a real effort to understand each other. Remember we all want to be listened to. We want and need to feel that what we have to say is important and that our thoughts and opinions are of value.

Don’t mind read your partner - Don’t assume you know what they are thinking or feeling. Always ask them what they think and feel because feelings and thoughts change over time.

Try to see things from their point of view - Try to walk in their shoes with their feelings or background. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. When you validate their feelings by acknowledging their viewpoint, you open the door for the same in return and you will both be more willing to solve the problems together.

Seek to solve the problem - Work as a team. Don’t bring in others to gang up on them. During an argument say, ‘What can we do together to solve this problem?’ ‘I am willing to do the following…’ Then state what you are willing to do and then do it.

Forgive and accept each other - Truth can be spoken in love, when you’re bound together in forgiveness. We all need and want forgiveness. Remember the disagreement belongs to both of you.

 

[JustinK]

This got me thinking. There are a few of these that I struggle with.

There are far too many subjects. I don’t know where to begin with them. Especially not to just stay on one at a time.

I feel I needed this ‘time-out’. To sort through feelings and such.

Making an effort to understand each other. We both are very different with what we believe and how we act. And with her telling me ‘you have your opinion and I have mine’, it leads me to believe that we might never understand each other. When we were intimate, she told me that she didn’t get what the big deal was. She didn’t understand why it made me feel so bad. I remember thinking, ‘Really?’ But again, that’s her upbringing and the life she knows. She told me once that she understands where I was coming from and she hoped I could understand where she was coming from. It felt like she had no intent to even try change her mind about it. And that hurt. But again, we all want and need to feel that what we have to say is important and our thoughts and opinions are of value.

A big issue I’ve always had is assuming that I know what she is thinking and feeling. But this is because of how she’s handled things so many times in the past. Like I said, it got a point where I would just know how she’d react to what I did or said long before it happened. If I wanted to go out and she’d ask me if I wanted to, it’d always be a case of knowing that I’d be disappointing her even if I did get her permission. Which would in turn lead to me checking my phone or worrying about how she felt the whole time I was off doing what I wanted and not really enjoying my time. Lately, I’ve been assuming that she thinks that I don’t care based on not getting a hold of her. Heck, if I was late from work and she had to be up early for work, she told me ‘you know I have to wake up early and it’s like you don’t care.’ It’s going to be really, really hard to break the assumptions.

Trying to see things with her feelings and background is also hard. We are very different. We are two different people. We are too different. However, I can see how her upbringing and who she associates with has an effect on her way of thinking in regards to the world and her life. She’s outgoing, opinionated, and a beautiful person. I can do as much as I can to get an idea of how she feels based on background, but then I run the risk of assuming.

Not bringing in other people is a good point. Our problems are just that. Our problems. But talking to my coworkers and other people help a lot. She’s had friends talk to me about how she feels about things, just as a different point of view. And it’s tempting to do the same. I can tell her that I’ve been thinking about her every day for the past month, which might not even accomplish anything. But, having her talk to my family or coworkers puts the idea in my head that it might give her new insights into just how much she affects me.

Working as a team also seems like a foreign concept to me at times. When we started to date, she told me that she was going to commit to the relationship. And we have been through a lot. But the whole ‘break-up and talk the same night’ because it’s what she needed from me, took its toll. I would love to work as a team. I would love for problems to be brought up as they arise and not be put off for weeks. I remember her asking me very early on, ‘why can’t we just deal with it when something comes up?’ I wished we kept that mindset. She told me after that nothing will come up because she didn’t want a boyfriend or relationship. That was during the first year. Years before we started officially dating. Whatever that meant to her. Because to me, I had already been committed to her for years before that. I’m reminded of times she told me she’d just be my friend and that’s all she’ll ever be. I guess my mind was so fixated on her that I just went right back to talking and being there for her like always. I feel like working as a team is going to be a challenge. Just because of our mixed opinions and the mess of our relationship in the past. I’m not sure how to fix this because my mind keeps thinking that she’s going to want to revert it back to what it was. And I know part of me will be fine with that as long as I get to be with her again. But I know we can’t do that. And we can’t just be friends. She told me if we broke up, she couldn’t be my friend because it would be too painful. Thing is, I’m pretty sure she saw it as 1 year. I saw it as so much more.

That comes to forgiveness. If I tell her everything, I’m not sure that she will truly see it like I do. I know that falls into the whole understanding each other’s points of view, but it might not be something I can live with if I didn’t mean to her what she meant to me. My coworker tells me that she doesn’t care for me as much as I do for her. Or in the same way. He tells me that she just saw it as 1 year. My mom doesn’t understand how I can’t see what the phrase ‘they don’t deserve the love you have to give’ means. She told me that she seems to not love me the same as I do her. I just can’t get across that difference of understanding and feeling like a fool. I know it’s a learning experience in the end, but it makes me feel rather stupid at times. My mom told me that I’ve always been slower at learning things than others. And, I agree. It takes me longer to realize things and see things in a different light. Because when I focus on something, that’s all I see.

 

[JustinK]

I guess in the end, I’ll have to either push through or try to change this. I can work on myself as much as I want, but I’ll still always come back to the fact that whatever this is isn’t resolved. And part of me won’t forgive myself for that. But people tell me there may never be a resolution and I’ll always have unanswered questions. But there are so very many of them.

I wish she saw just how much she is on my mind. All the time. And I’m not sure the kind of reward I’m looking for when I say that. Because if I talk it out, it’s going to be a LOT of work. And part of me just wants it to be done. Because if we work past this, and another issue is the one that causes my mind to finally be rid of her, it will hurt even more than it does now.

If I know anything. Love is work. But it is NOT pain.

I’ve also learned that love is more than a word. Love is action. I feel like I’ve done what I could. More than enough at times. Being there for her, sending her gifts, etc. I do things she doesn’t see that I wish she could. But that might be a foolish thought.

I’m reminded of St. Francis:

‘Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.’

Nearly everything that I have done these past 5 years has been for her. But how do I know when to let her go?

 

[JustinK]

I got some good advice from my coworker tonight.

He told me that comprise in a relationship is good, just don’t compromise yourself.

That he could give me all the advie in the world but nothing happens until I contact her.

That he thinks I’m not contacting her because I’m afraid of an answer.

He asked if I love her enough to go back to her.

I also came across the simple but brutal revelation that I need to be happy.

I need to be happy for myself.

So that when I’m happy or do things for myself, other people can see that and if they mind, then I know if they belong in my life or not.

It sounds so simple. Too simple.

But he also told me something to say to her. ‘If you want any type of a relationship with me, we have to work on some issues.’ That leaves it open to just friends, a couple, anything.

I told him how I knew we were on separate pages. I asked her if she was excited for the date of our year anniversary. She didn’t know what the date meant. So I told her that it was our anniversary. She told me, ‘I mean it’s significant but it’s not special because we’re not dating.’

He was confused and told me that he wouldn’t see anything special about it either. In my mind, it was because it kind of signified how far we came since we started talking. I don’t know, it just felt special to me.

To him, it felt like she didn’t want a relationship like that and wasn’t sure how to end it. But again, we talked like we always had before and things had improved, or so I thought.

Maybe I truly need to move on. But in order for that to happen, my mind and heart need to separate what they think they know to be true.

In order to move on, I need to admit to myself that I don’t love her and someone else needs to in a way that I will never be able to.

But for whatever reason, I still can’t accept that. It makes me feel so very selfish for holding onto something that might not have even been mine to hold onto to begin with. And I don’t know what to do.

If my happiness comes from admitting I can’t love her. I can’t accept that.

I’m sorry if I’m misguided by whatever these emotions are, it’s just something that I need to write out.

 

[Lou2U]

Hey, Justin. I’m sorry for not responding sooner, since CAF went down, it hasn’t been notifying me when there are responses to threads I’m subscribed to.

Your co-worker is exactly right. Don’t compromise yourself. I think I said this a couple of pages ago, but the person you are in a relationship with should like you for who you are, and so there should be no need for you to compromise yourself. The fact that you did suggests that the relationship wasn’t right for you. No-one should expect you to compromise yourself for their happiness, and if they do, you shouldn’t spend your time on them.

I think your co-worker’s right in that nothing will really change with your relationship until you take the step to contact her. It’s up to you when and how you want to do it, but if you don’t think you can move on without some kind of resolution, I think you should go for it.

You should be happy for yourself. Happy because you know you deserve to be, you should be. Because if you’re happy with yourself, you won’t find yourself having to compromise who you are. You won’t feel selfish or guilty for doing things that make you happy. They make you happy, and that is the most important thing. You shouldn’t feel any other way about doing those activities. Yes, it does sound simple, and with most things, it’s probably easier said than done, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. You just have to let it.

If dates are important to you, then they’re important to you. That’s not wrong. To some people they aren’t, and that’s not wrong either, but if they’re important to you then you should be with someone who knows that and who is willing to make them important - because they are important to you.

How do you know when to let her go? When you know, truly know, that there is nothing you can do. When you know that she is not the right fit for you. When you know you can be, and you are, happier without her and you don’t feel guilty for it. When you wake up in the morning and you suddenly realise you haven’t thought about her in a while. It’s really a process, and it just takes time, but it does take effort. It will happen. Try to let it.

Lou

 

[Lou2U]

Another thing - you can only do so much. You can compromise, you can be the one to step back, you can be on the phone all night, every night. But doing that doesn’t change the issues, doesn’t fix the problems. Do you think that if she didn’t feel listened to, she wouldn’t tell you? Do you think that if she wasn’t happy, she wouldn’t tell you? From what you’ve said here, it seems to me that the answer to both of your questions is “no”, because she didn’t seem to have a problem with telling you she was unhappy. She didn’t seem to have a problem with telling you that she didn’t like you doing things when you could have been talking to her. She didn’t seem to have a problem with telling you that she wasn’t looking for a relationship but treating you like her boyfriend, taking what she wanted but giving nothing up.

You deserve so much better than that. Someone who values your opinions instead of brushing them off, someone who doesn’t blow hot and cold, someone who treats you with respect. “They don’t deserve the love you have to give” is true. If she didn’t respect your opinions, your happiness, your interests, your time, what you thought was important then she did not deserve to have them. She may have been treated badly, it may be due to upbringing, but that doesn’t excuse or justify her treating you badly. Yes, maybe you led her on sometimes. The difference between you and her is that you recognise that was wrong. She hasn’t.

“Relying on the past will never make you free” is so true. If you think that being honest with her about you feeling trapped will lead to her accusing you of things, how can you ever have the type of relationship you want to have? If you feel like even after you break up you can’t be honest with her, how can you be honest with her at any other time?

There’s a talk I watched once, saying that love is like a drug. Biologically, it produces the same kind of response in your brain that a drug does, and one of the reasons that breaking up is so difficult is because suddenly, it’s gone, but the want for it is still there. You still crave it but you can’t have it. So it takes time. There are also psychological theories saying that one of the reasons for not wanting to break up is because of the investment, like time, friends, effort, memories, that will be lost. That the commitment put in will be gone. You feel like you do because it’s completely normal. Give yourself time.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Hey, Justin. I’m sorry for not responding sooner, since CAF went down, it hasn’t been notifying me when there are responses to threads I’m subscribed to.

Your co-worker is exactly right. Don’t compromise yourself. I think I said this a couple of pages ago, but the person you are in a relationship with should like you for who you are, and so there should be no need for you to compromise yourself. The fact that you did suggests that the relationship wasn’t right for you. No-one should expect you to compromise yourself for their happiness, and if they do, you shouldn’t spend your time on them.

I think your co-worker’s right in that nothing will really change with your relationship until you take the step to contact her. It’s up to you when and how you want to do it, but if you don’t think you can move on without some kind of resolution, I think you should go for it.

You should be happy for yourself. Happy because you know you deserve to be, you should be. Because if you’re happy with yourself, you won’t find yourself having to compromise who you are. You won’t feel selfish or guilty for doing things that make you happy. They make you happy, and that is the most important thing. You shouldn’t feel any other way about doing those activities. Yes, it does sound simple, and with most things, it’s probably easier said than done, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. You just have to let it.

If dates are important to you, then they’re important to you. That’s not wrong. To some people they aren’t, and that’s not wrong either, but if they’re important to you then you should be with someone who knows that and who is willing to make them important - because they are important to you.

How do you know when to let her go? When you know, truly know, that there is nothing you can do. When you know that she is not the right fit for you. When you know you can be, and you are, happier without her and you don’t feel guilty for it. When you wake up in the morning and you suddenly realise you haven’t thought about her in a while. It’s really a process, and it just takes time, but it does take effort. It will happen. Try to let it.

Lou

So I guess who I am right now is someone who enjoys video games, music, writing, pool, and singing.

I know in a relationship it’s give and take. Say, one day I get to play some games and the next we go out to dinner or something. I know it shouldn’t be one sided. It’s killing me to think how she compromised for me. I mean, yea we’d talk everyday and were on the phone all the time at night. But I’d always let her be when she wanted to because she was living her life.

I think I waited too long. I just found out she deleted me on Snapchat as well. We were never friends on Facebook (something that I find fishy and besides, seeing her pictures would probably cause me more harm than good). Still, my mind won’t move on. Part of me wants a resolution. Part of me knows if I reach out to her, it will most likely end up in a fight that won’t go anywhere anyway. I was driving tonight and remembered the times I’d call her late at night and I’d wake her up but then she’d fall back to sleep with me on the phone. I have a bunch of memories that I won’t be rid of anytime soon. I also thought about the last text that I sent to her. She asked me why I would send her birthday gifts and then stop talking to her. I told her I had sent those to her as a boyfriend. Then I thought about how she told me I was making her choose between getting her life together and being with me. Looks like she chose her life.

Happiness is elusive for me. I find myself playing video games, watching tv, etc. A tiny voice tells me those things are more important than her still. It’s silly. I know I can call my coworker up and work on getting a place with him, go out with friends, or just be. But right now, it all feels different. Like it’s not a choice I made for myself. Rather, just something to fill the void that’s left after all this. It’s funny how, when I was with her, I’d want to go out or play games and when I did, it felt like a victory. Now, it just feels like a chore or something to pass the time until I fall asleep to get the memories and stuff off my mind.

It was important. It signified how far we came. But to her, we weren’t dating. To be fair, we ‘broke up’. But to me, it still showed there was hope and promise.

Speaking of hope, she told me as long as there’s hope, she’d stay around. I asked her the same thing the night things took a turn. She said nothing. But now I wonder if I too that hope away. I mean, all I needed was a break from it all as it was going nowhere.

I kind of know there is nothing left to say. But the questions, oh the questions. My mind is rather analytical and I seek answers. But with this, it’s a double-edged sword. I could get the answers but at the cost of another heartache. And is that really worth it? I kind of just want to tell her all the times I was there for her that she never saw. I want to go through all the times I cried over her. But that won’t solve anything.

The guilt thing, I might always feel a hint of it. Maybe she wasn’t right for me. But I wish she saw how much I did for her. A part of me is going to feel the ‘you care more about this’ even if I’m not with her. Because maybe if I just did something different, we’d still be what we were. Then again, I would still be glued to her not wanting to disappoint her.

I kind of always felt like in order to stop disappointing her, I’d need to disappoint her one last time. As in break it off. Because it seemed if I did things for me, she’d be disappointed. Or at least, I’d feel guilty for not giving her due attention.

I’ll try.

 

[JustinK]

You deserve so much better than that. Someone who values your opinions instead of brushing them off, someone who doesn’t blow hot and cold, someone who treats you with respect. “They don’t deserve the love you have to give” is true. If she didn’t respect your opinions, your happiness, your interests, your time, what you thought was important then she did not deserve to have them. She may have been treated badly, it may be due to upbringing, but that doesn’t excuse or justify her treating you badly. Yes, maybe you led her on sometimes. The difference between you and her is that you recognise that was wrong. She hasn’t.

“Relying on the past will never make you free” is so true. If you think that being honest with her about you feeling trapped will lead to her accusing you of things, how can you ever have the type of relationship you want to have? If you feel like even after you break up you can’t be honest with her, how can you be honest with her at any other time?

There’s a talk I watched once, saying that love is like a drug. Biologically, it produces the same kind of response in your brain that a drug does, and one of the reasons that breaking up is so difficult is because suddenly, it’s gone, but the want for it is still there. You still crave it but you can’t have it. So it takes time. There are also psychological theories saying that one of the reasons for not wanting to break up is because of the investment, like time, friends, effort, memories, that will be lost. That the commitment put in will be gone. You feel like you do because it’s completely normal. Give yourself time.

Lou

I remember having dinner with family and she called. I told them that I had to take it so I went to another room. My brother was calling me back, yet I was still on the phone. Eventually, we ended the call and I remember feeling guilty for ending it. Now, I know that’s partly my problem for feeling guilty. I just look back and think of what that accomplished. Nothing except conditioning me in a negative way.

There were snippets of her bringing her feelings to the table. The times we ‘broke up’ and I’d cry being most of them. Where she’d tell me how hard she was trying. Where she told me that it felt like I just said things to make her happy. Where she told me that if I had been drinking, I’d be saying something completely different. These are the times I treasured. Because it gave me some insight into how she really felt. The issue was that again, I think we saw the relationship differently. She’d tell me it didn’t feel like I was trying. But what she didn’t know is how hard I had been trying for years,

But those times I’d be crying. And she wouldn’t understand why. She’d tell me that we’re not really breaking up, that she still wants a life with me etc. And those were the times I kind of was sick of it all. It messed with my head. And we’d go back to talking like normal that night. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was when she told me that she thought we should break up the last time. She asked me if we could just ‘go back to normal’. I was so mad. I was furious. I wanted to scream and throw my phone in the street. But I did it for her.

I feel lie part of the blame is on me. I did lead her on in dropping everything to talk to her, us talking every night, coming back to her again and again and again. I’m now realizing that maybe I was just used to it. I’m quite passive, too. I don’t really like confrontation. But look where that’s gotten me. I know I’ve made my share of mistakes in the relationship, and she saw past those. So that’s why I thought were meant to be in someway. But perhaps she was taking advantage of knowing how we worked.

I did feel trapped. But it was trapped in what I thought was love. It was the comfort of having someone there. It was a routine. It was safe. I think if I told her that I felt trapped, yea, she’d find a way to turn it around. Again though, that might have been my fault. Like the guilt, it was my fault for not speaking with her about it.

I could not agree more. Love is a drug. My first week was the hardest of my life. Getting sick, not sleeping, not eating, crying all the time. It’s getting a little better. But sometimes, random memories creep in that make me miss her so much. Like the time she came down to see me. That was awesome. That was the first time anybody did that for me. We just let loose and it was like time stopped. The night of my first kiss on the side of the road. Bleh, you get the idea.

Like I said, it’s a double-edged sword. Like a drug, I know I could go back to her. At least try. But also like a drug, things might be the same as they were. Comfort to numb the pain of being lonely, but slowly damaging me.

She reminds me of the lotus eaters from Greek mythology. When they ate the lotus plant, they didn’t care about anything because they were content and happy. But they forgot about their lives as a result. With her, I was comforted. Without her, I was lost and I know her voice will be comforting. But as much as I want to spend a night with her again, things might never change and I might have to accept that.

The night of when she needed a ‘break’ and not a ‘break-up’, I remember thinking that this was me going through a break-up. I also remember thinking how a break should last a lot longer than 24 hours.

I ask my coworkers why should I care about someone that doesn’t care for me, and they just say exactly.

She seems to have moved on, so why shouldn’t I?

It’s harder than I thought though.

Thank you again for all of your advice and your words of encouragement.

 

[Lou2U]

It may be that she’s chosen the best way to carry on is by moving without you, and trying to let go of any reminders of her. Obviously, it’s not that simple for you, and I think that’s what heartbreak is, a type of grief where the loss is accentuated by the fact that the other person is still alive, still going to to laugh and cry and smile without you. But it is like death in that you lose the connection you had, and you lose the chance to talk one last time, to think together and to try and bring things to a closure. You may have to accept that this is as good as you’ll get, which is what you’ve said. Like I said in my last post, if you really want to and you think it will help you, consider it. But it might not lead you to where you want to be.

I think to her, you were dating, really, she just didn’t want to say it for whatever reason. You can’t break up if there’s nothing there to take a break from. She treated you like you were her boyfriend, called you at night, told you things she wouldn’t tell to just a friend and you did the same because she wasn’t just your friend. She told you she wanted a life with you. How were you supposed to do things differently in a relationship she wouldn’t acknowledge? I agree with you though, that you didn’t have to accept it. You are worth more than a person who treats you like their boyfriend but refuses to acknowledge it in any way. You deserve to give yourself more respect than that, because if you don’t, people will take advantage, and if you don’t stop the cycle, you’ll end up repeating it.

She did mess with your head. She manipulated you because your relationship was in the pattern where you accepted whatever she did because you thought that was loving her looked like. And she used that to her advantage because she knew you’d let her get away with it. That wasn’t good for either of you.

It is a double edged sword, and love is like a drug. Right now, it’s like withdrawal symptoms, where you need to get more of it, but you can’t, and that makes it worse. But if nothing changes, it would be so, so damaging for you to go back to it. Because it was a time when you didn’t respect yourself, where you didn’t know all that you do now. It won’t help you to go back to it - you’ll get what you need, but you’ll need more and more and it’ll end up back where you started. Maybe she is like a lotus eater, but don’t you be as well. Don’t forget your life. Your experiences make you who you are.

You’re doing really, really well. Take things at your own pace. Take time to value yourself, so others do too. I’m really impressed at how you’re able to look back on your relationship and see what wasn’t right and what you’d like in the future. Introspection is a gift, but it can also be incredibly isolating. Keep spending time with people, do your hobby, be happy. You’ll get there.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

It’s been almost 3 months. And not a day goes by where I don’t still think of her. But I have done a lot in these 3 months.

• My Aunt, Uncle, and cousin came down for a weekend. That was fun. We had some really good talks. They asked what would make me happy. Because I’m the type of person who’s content with pretty much anything. We went up to my brother’s and had a good lunch and dinner. I took some good pictures.

I thought about how if I was with her, I’d constantly be checking my phone or feel bad about spending time with family. Then my day would be spent thinking about how much it’d disappoint her. Or at night, she would want to talk or ‘cuddle’ but then I wouldn’t have took those pictures or enjoyed eating.

I still dream about her. A few nights ago, I had 5 dreams about her before finally getting out of bed. Those always suck because whenever I dream of something, it amplifies my feelings about it for a long while.

I still think about what she could be doing during the day or if she’s watching her shows, playing games on the phone, or cuddling with her nieces or dog during the night. And part of me missed that. And part of me wants it back.

The worst part is that it doesn’t feel like 3 months at all. It feels like I talked to her just this morning and I could go back and it’ll be like nothing ever changed. Because that’s what it was for the longest time. We’d stop talking for a day or I’d make her mad about something and she’d come back the next day.

Some days I don’t even remember the bad feeling and just remember the good times we had. Those days are confusing.

But I have to remember to push through and I can’t go back logically thinking that it would end up in my favor. It would only lead to a fight.

That’s the thing. If I could do it all over again, I would have brought up things that bothered me even in the slightest. Maybe I had to be not afraid to hurt her feelings if we both got better from it.

I’m beginning to learn that I have to not just ‘be okay’ with a lot of the things in my life. I’m just okay with life as it is. I’m just okay with living with kids that aren’t mine while feeling like I’m paying for only a room of the apartment. It was good talking to her but then I became just okay with feeling the need to be there all the time. They are all minor annoyances and I have to find a way to be angry about them.

Anyway, I’m taking it one day at a time still. And I’m recognizing things that wouldn’t have been possible back then. But I still miss her. And what hurts the most is we never really said goodbye. But I have to keep thinking of it like a magnet. We were so stuck on each other and now as much as I want to force us back together, maybe it’s for the best and we have to be forced to be apart.

 

[Lou2U]

Hi, Justin, it’s good to hear from you!

I think you’re doing really well, especially since you didn’t get to have the resolution with her that you wanted. I think it’s normal for you to think about her - you were in a long term relationship, those feelings won’t go away overnight. It’s normal to linger on the good times, even though you know there were bad times as well.

I think it’s a really good thing to think “what makes you happy?”. Because you can be content quite easily, but if you don’t make sure to consider what makes you happy, and what you want to do, it can be too easy for you to push your happiness inside. And then that makes it easier for others to do the same although they shouldn’t. If you recognise something that doesn’t make you happy, that feels like an obligation you have to go along with, you don’t actually have to put up with it. I think what you said about wanting to say things to her that would hurt her feelings really shows just how far you’ve come in thinking that you don’t always have to be the one making other people happy. Instead, she should have thought about how her behaviour was making you unhappy, but she wouldn’t. And that’s not fair. I don’t think you should have to accept that, and I hope you don’t in any kind of relationship going forward.

Keep going. Take one step at a time. Talk to your family, go out with your friends, do your hobby. Keep breathing in and breathing out, keep moving forward. Everything will be okay.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Hi, Justin, it’s good to hear from you!

I think you’re doing really well, especially since you didn’t get to have the resolution with her that you wanted. I think it’s normal for you to think about her - you were in a long term relationship, those feelings won’t go away overnight. It’s normal to linger on the good times, even though you know there were bad times as well.

I think it’s a really good thing to think “what makes you happy?”. Because you can be content quite easily, but if you don’t make sure to consider what makes you happy, and what you want to do, it can be too easy for you to push your happiness inside. And then that makes it easier for others to do the same although they shouldn’t. If you recognise something that doesn’t make you happy, that feels like an obligation you have to go along with, you don’t actually have to put up with it. I think what you said about wanting to say things to her that would hurt her feelings really shows just how far you’ve come in thinking that you don’t always have to be the one making other people happy. Instead, she should have thought about how her behaviour was making you unhappy, but she wouldn’t. And that’s not fair. I don’t think you should have to accept that, and I hope you don’t in any kind of relationship going forward.

Keep going. Take one step at a time. Talk to your family, go out with your friends, do your hobby. Keep breathing in and breathing out, keep moving forward. Everything will be okay.

Lou

I don’t think I’ll ever get a resolution from this. I remember thinking about mailing her some things, just to show her that I’ve still thought of her and as a way of moving on. But that wouldn’t change anything. I know it’s normal to not get a resolution but this wasn’t a normal relationship at all and we both knew it all along. We both thought we were stronger than other people I guess since we kept at it for so long. Sometimes I think where I would be if I never said anything at all, but that would be unwise. It gave me a chance to show me how she’d react which I would have not gotten otherwise. It’s also tough wondering if the bad times were really that bad.

It doesn’t help to feel like it’s all my fault. Had it not been from advice I got, when she sent me how I took everything away from her, I would have told her that I was sorry and we would have been talking that night. Then a month went by. I remember wondering why she wasn’t texting me. Then when she sent me a message on Snapchat, I just didn’t know what to say. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. Even now, my mind is still mixed up. Some days, I miss her. Some days, it gets better. But even so, she did reach out to me and I didn’t answer.

I get what you’re saying about happiness. If I seem content with something, then others assume that everything’s fine. That feeling of obligation happened a lot with that relationship. I mean, yea I liked talking to her. But it got to the point where I’d want to do other things. But still, shouldn’t you like talking to your significant other? I remember bringing up one night how we had been talking for 4 hours. And she said, ‘Oh that’s too much for you?’ I stammered and was like ‘Well, no…’ And that was the end of it. I get where she was coming from, she didn’t get to see me during the day because of work and such. Of course she wanted to spend time with me.

Again, it feels like my fault. Because how could she have known she was making me unhappy if I was content with what happened? But then I doubt she would have seen it as a problem with her anyhow.

Anyway, I’m remembering something I wrote awhile back about wanting to go out with friends. I talked about how I wouldn’t want to disappoint her, so I’d tell her beforehand. And if I did, she asked if I wanted to. But if I did go out, I’d still be talking with her instead of enjoying time with friends. That was my choice, I suppose. But I remember some people telling me to put my phone away. On the other hand, the alternative of sitting in a call with her and falling asleep together wasn’t all the bad either. And there my mind goes again.

I guess what makes me the most upset is that I could have done so much over the years if I had just spoken up. But you can’t look back. But there had to be a reason I looked past all that and just saw her. My coworker just urges me to not spend the next 5 years in misery, he was in a relationship much like mine and had to walk out on it as well.

I know things that will make me happy. I know I can be happy tomorrow if I choose to be. I can be happy now. I can look up people that I used to talk to, learn an instrument, move out of my apartment or take some vacation and go somewhere. But the moment I do, she’ll be gone. SHE ALREADY IS. My mind just isn’t grasping that still. I know she’ll never be completely gone. But maybe we both deserve a different kind of love the other one has to give or something.

Like you say, the best thing is one step at a time until one day, you’re out of the room that you’ve been in for so long.

Also, I was re-reading these posts the other night and I’ve been meaning to ask:

What did you mean when you said if someone doesn’t care in a way that you’d like them to, then you deserve more?

I mean, I know she cared. She worked for months on a book for us. That alone should have shown me how much she cared. But I guess it got to be too much. This all happened for a reason.

I only ask because it seems to feel selfish. Like care in a way that I want or you don’t care. Eh. Actually, that’s a lot like the things she mentioned about having to wake up early and me being late calling her. I remember talking with coworkers after work for a little bit and then I got that text. Hmm.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t think I’ll ever get a resolution from this. I remember thinking about mailing her some things, just to show her that I’ve still thought of her and as a way of moving on. But that wouldn’t change anything. I know it’s normal to not get a resolution but this wasn’t a normal relationship at all and we both knew it all along. We both thought we were stronger than other people I guess since we kept at it for so long. Sometimes I think where I would be if I never said anything at all, but that would be unwise. It gave me a chance to show me how she’d react which I would have not gotten otherwise. It’s also tough wondering if the bad times were really that bad.

It doesn’t help to feel like it’s all my fault. Had it not been from advice I got, when she sent me how I took everything away from her, I would have told her that I was sorry and we would have been talking that night. Then a month went by. I remember wondering why she wasn’t texting me. Then when she sent me a message on Snapchat, I just didn’t know what to say. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. Even now, my mind is still mixed up. Some days, I miss her. Some days, it gets better. But even so, she did reach out to me and I didn’t answer.

I get what you’re saying about happiness. If I seem content with something, then others assume that everything’s fine. That feeling of obligation happened a lot with that relationship. I mean, yea I liked talking to her. But it got to the point where I’d want to do other things. But still, shouldn’t you like talking to your significant other? I remember bringing up one night how we had been talking for 4 hours. And she said, ‘Oh that’s too much for you?’ I stammered and was like ‘Well, no…’ And that was the end of it. I get where she was coming from, she didn’t get to see me during the day because of work and such. Of course she wanted to spend time with me.

Again, it feels like my fault. Because how could she have known she was making me unhappy if I was content with what happened? But then I doubt she would have seen it as a problem with her anyhow.

Anyway, I’m remembering something I wrote awhile back about wanting to go out with friends. I talked about how I wouldn’t want to disappoint her, so I’d tell her beforehand. And if I did, she asked if I wanted to. But if I did go out, I’d still be talking with her instead of enjoying time with friends. That was my choice, I suppose. But I remember some people telling me to put my phone away. On the other hand, the alternative of sitting in a call with her and falling asleep together wasn’t all the bad either. And there my mind goes again.

I guess what makes me the most upset is that I could have done so much over the years if I had just spoken up. But you can’t look back. But there had to be a reason I looked past all that and just saw her. My coworker just urges me to not spend the next 5 years in misery, he was in a relationship much like mine and had to walk out on it as well.

I know things that will make me happy. I know I can be happy tomorrow if I choose to be. I can be happy now. I can look up people that I used to talk to, learn an instrument, move out of my apartment or take some vacation and go somewhere. But the moment I do, she’ll be gone. SHE ALREADY IS. My mind just isn’t grasping that still. I know she’ll never be completely gone. But maybe we both deserve a different kind of love the other one has to give or something.

Like you say, the best thing is one step at a time until one day, you’re out of the room that you’ve been in for so long.

I think it’s still grief - like you’re grieving for the death of your relationship, from the loss of her in your life. In some ways, I think it’s worse than grief because the person hasn’t died. They’re still there, but you don’t see each other or speak to each other, and there’s always the possibility of them. It’s not as finite as death. But there are a lot of similar emotions - guilt, anger, sadness, regret, loneliness. You’re definitely not alone with how you feel, and none of your feelings are wrong. They just are what they are, and I guess you have to move forward with them.

If you aren’t happy with something, then I think you should speak up - how will the other person know if you don’t tell them? - but there are parameters within that. When you did try and tell her, she brushed it aside, or manipulated you into feeling guilty and selfish. And so you didn’t because you wanted her to be happy more than yourself, and she let you because she wanted to be happy more than she wanted you to be happy. That’s not how a relationship should be. Maybe some of that was your choice. Maybe you didn’t feel as though you really had a choice because you didn’t want her to be unhappy. But your co-worker is right, you can’t live the rest of your life regretting things you did or didn’t do in the past. You owe yourself so much more than that.

I’ve split my response into two, because it’s too long. The second part: