Relationship advice

[JustinK]

Hey,

So I’m struggling in my relationship. Let me just say that it’s my first relationship so it might cloud my judgement. It is also extremely messy.

For the longest time, I put her before myself in everything I did. I thought this was what you did when you were in love with someone. I put my life on hold for 5 years.

Well, recently I got the advice to take a two week break. Just to step away from the relationship and try to see it in a new perspective. The first 4 days was awful. I cried so many times and felt sick to my stomach. I thought this meant I loved her more than I thought or missed her. It had to mean something.

But lately, I’m finding out that maybe we can’t give the other one what they need. Though it feels incredibly selfish that I am finally able to live my life, I admit it feels so good. I’ve been at a crossroads for awhile now because I could have either tried for her more and maybe we can still work it out. Or I can actually go out with friends without feeling guilty or be looking at my phone all the time. I can enjoy myself.

The issue lies in the fact that every time something like this has happened, I have given it to God. And we have always came back together. So I’m not sure what this is telling me. To stick it out because it could be beautiful in the end? Maybe I’m meant to be with her?

But then I think of the other things. We have almost nothing in common. Our values aren’t aligned. People have said she treats my like a shiny toy that nobody else can have.

I just looked past it all. Because love is acceptance. It never fails.

Maybe it just feels like we’re meant to be together because of everything we’ve been through. Maybe I’m afraid to lose her after trying so hard.

I had someone tell me once that I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Maybe I’m trying to save her with love. But how do I know it’s meant to be?

I can’t deny the fact that I’m happy figuring out my life without needing to constantly be there for her. I picked up a new hobby, I’m more carefree, I can join up with friends and enjoy each others company. After living for someone else for so long, it feels nice to not feel like I’m disappointing them all the time. It’s all just so confusing.

Maybe it’s all going to come down to a choice.

She told me that I’m making her choose between getting her life together and being with me. She told me that I was the only person she could talk to about her bad days or the only one she wanted to cuddle with. And that I took that all away.

It feels like I can’t win. Either way a heart is going to get broken. And that seems so bad that my happiness or freedom could be the result of me breaking her heart.

It doesn’t help that I flip with my emotions.

People tell me she’s a security blanket. She’s all I’ve known. My first everything. The center of my universe for so long. And anytime we talk it’s like nothing ever changed. And my heart melts.

People tell me that I have to give her clear guidelines of what I want. But should that matter if I’m content with her? Yea, it’s not ideal to be glued to someone. But if I have the capability to do so and make her happy, why wouldn’t I?

How do you know when God is telling you something? When your happiness isn’t an evil thing?

People tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad for doing what I want. Within reason of course. And with her, it always made me feel guilty because I wasn’t doing it for her. I would always feel tied down. And I know that’s not how it should be. But why did I sacrifice everything for her?

Maybe I’m not the one for her and she’s not the one for me. But there was always hope.

Is happiness selfish when it’s the product of someone’s sadness?

 

[angell1]

Hey,

So I’m struggling in my relationship. Let me just say that it’s my first relationship so it might cloud my judgement. It is also extremely messy.

For the longest time, I put her before myself in everything I did. I thought this was what you did when you were in love with someone. I put my life on hold for 5 years.

Well, recently I got the advice to take a two week break. Just to step away from the relationship and try to see it in a new perspective. The first 4 days was awful. I cried so many times and felt sick to my stomach. I thought this meant I loved her more than I thought or missed her. It had to mean something.

But lately, I’m finding out that maybe we can’t give the other one what they need. Though it feels incredibly selfish that I am finally able to live my life, I admit it feels so good. I’ve been at a crossroads for awhile now because I could have either tried for her more and maybe we can still work it out. Or I can actually go out with friends without feeling guilty or be looking at my phone all the time. I can enjoy myself.

The issue lies in the fact that every time something like this has happened, I have given it to God. And we have always came back together. So I’m not sure what this is telling me. To stick it out because it could be beautiful in the end? Maybe I’m meant to be with her?

But then I think of the other things. We have almost nothing in common. Our values aren’t aligned. People have said she treats my like a shiny toy that nobody else can have.

I just looked past it all. Because love is acceptance. It never fails.

Maybe it just feels like we’re meant to be together because of everything we’ve been through. Maybe I’m afraid to lose her after trying so hard.

I had someone tell me once that I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Maybe I’m trying to save her with love. But how do I know it’s meant to be?

I can’t deny the fact that I’m happy figuring out my life without needing to constantly be there for her. I picked up a new hobby, I’m more carefree, I can join up with friends and enjoy each others company. After living for someone else for so long, it feels nice to not feel like I’m disappointing them all the time. It’s all just so confusing.

Maybe it’s all going to come down to a choice.

She told me that I’m making her choose between getting her life together and being with me. She told me that I was the only person she could talk to about her bad days or the only one she wanted to cuddle with. And that I took that all away.

It feels like I can’t win. Either way a heart is going to get broken. And that seems so bad that my happiness or freedom could be the result of me breaking her heart.

It doesn’t help that I flip with my emotions.

People tell me she’s a security blanket. She’s all I’ve known. My first everything. The center of my universe for so long. And anytime we talk it’s like nothing ever changed. And my heart melts.

People tell me that I have to give her clear guidelines of what I want. But should that matter if I’m content with her? Yea, it’s not ideal to be glued to someone. But if I have the capability to do so and make her happy, why wouldn’t I?

How do you know when God is telling you something? When your happiness isn’t an evil thing?

People tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad for doing what I want. Within reason of course. And with her, it always made me feel guilty because I wasn’t doing it for her. I would always feel tied down. And I know that’s not how it should be. But why did I sacrifice everything for her?

Maybe I’m not the one for her and she’s not the one for me. But there was always hope.

Is happiness selfish when it’s the product of someone’s sadness?

hi Justin,

thanks for posting.

it’s a bit hard to say because you din’t mention anything specific in your post of what issues that could be going on.

for example, what do you mean when you say your values don’t align with hers?

why do you feel guilty if you go out with friends? does she make you feel guilty for doing that? inf act, I say it’s very necessary to have other friends to hang out with besides the relationship

yes, it’s important to be there for her, but your own mental and emotion well-being is important too. as a general rule, excessive neediness and clinginess is not a healthy thing.

 

[St_Francis]

When two people get together, they should each be complete and have lives. It should not be a case of one person “completing” the other, or of one person fixing the other person’s life.

Naturally changes will occur when the two lives are put together in marriage: everything changes then but marriage should be a sharing of complete lives by two whole people who want to do that. Some things will no longer fit, but they should be replaced by something better.

What you describe sounds extremely unbalanced. You seem to have given up much of your life for a girl who seems to have a lot of holes in her life that you fill for her. If this is what is happening, this is an unhealthy situation for each of you: you, because your life is made too narrow; her, because the crutches you provide keep her from developing her muscles.

From what you say, I would say that, yes, her heart will be broken if you leave. But she will then be free to grow up and stand on her own two feet and she really needs that.

And you, too, will be free to grow up and develop yourself so that you will be healthy enough to enter a relationship as yourself rather than as the fixer of another’s life.

 

[ClearWater]

What concerned me about your post was that you said your values don’t match. It’s important to have similar values, or it will most likely cause problems down the road. The values don’t have to be identical but close enough so as not to cause conflict. If it’s causing problems now, it won’t get better in the future.

As to putting her first, you both need to be able to have your own lives, friends and interests. Ideally, some interests can be shared and some not, to give each other enough space.

I think if one really wanted to, one could relearn and allow room for hobbies and friends apart from the relationship. It’s common in our first relationships to want to give everything up for our partner, but it’s not advisable. We need to remember to have a variety friends, some can be shared, some not.

Anyway, that’s my :twocents: for what it’s worth. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

…

But lately, I’m finding out that maybe we can’t give the other one what they need. Though it feels incredibly selfish that I am finally able to live my life, I admit it feels so good. I’ve been at a crossroads for awhile now because I could have either tried for her more and maybe we can still work it out. Or I can actually go out with friends without feeling guilty or be looking at my phone all the time. I can enjoy myself.

The issue lies in the fact that every time something like this has happened, I have given it to God. And we have always came back together. So I’m not sure what this is telling me. To stick it out because it could be beautiful in the end? Maybe I’m meant to be with her?

But then I think of the other things. We have almost nothing in common. Our values aren’t aligned. People have said she treats my like a shiny toy that nobody else can have.

I just looked past it all. Because love is acceptance. It never fails.

Maybe it just feels like we’re meant to be together because of everything we’ve been through. Maybe I’m afraid to lose her after trying so hard.

I had someone tell me once that I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Maybe I’m trying to save her with love. But how do I know it’s meant to be?

I can’t deny the fact that I’m happy figuring out my life without needing to constantly be there for her. I picked up a new hobby, I’m more carefree, I can join up with friends and enjoy each others company. After living for someone else for so long, it feels nice to not feel like I’m disappointing them all the time. It’s all just so confusing.

Maybe it’s all going to come down to a choice.

She told me that I’m making her choose between getting her life together and being with me. She told me that I was the only person she could talk to about her bad days or the only one she wanted to cuddle with. And that I took that all away.

It feels like I can’t win. Either way a heart is going to get broken. And that seems so bad that my happiness or freedom could be the result of me breaking her heart.

It doesn’t help that I flip with my emotions.

People tell me she’s a security blanket. She’s all I’ve known. My first everything. The center of my universe for so long. And anytime we talk it’s like nothing ever changed. And my heart melts.

People tell me that I have to give her clear guidelines of what I want. But should that matter if I’m content with her? Yea, it’s not ideal to be glued to someone. But if I have the capability to do so and make her happy, why wouldn’t I?

How do you know when God is telling you something? When your happiness isn’t an evil thing?

People tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad for doing what I want. Within reason of course. And with her, it always made me feel guilty because I wasn’t doing it for her. I would always feel tied down. And I know that’s not how it should be. But why did I sacrifice everything for her?

Maybe I’m not the one for her and she’s not the one for me. But there was always hope.

Is happiness selfish when it’s the product of someone’s sadness?

What angel1 said.

You speak here a lot about how you feel, but we here don’t know any details about the issues. I’m not really sure what the problem is or what advice you are looking for, except that you are wondering if she is ‘the one’ or not. which, yes is a very daunting question and is an important question, but we can’t answer that for you or even suggest to know an answer.

You don't say how old you are or how long you've been together, either.   What is it that she needs to be 'saved' from?   What values are they that you don't share?    You don't say these things.   When it comes to marriage-  you can't really let your feelings sway your decision.   It really has to be thought through with all the different scenarios that might arise and how you honestly think you would handle them.  (This is why the church makes couples take a course before they marry)   You should be equally yoked as they say, so that you move through life together pulling the plow with relative ease- not that pulling the plow is 'easy', its hard, but if you are unequally yoked-  that work just got very painful and difficult more than it had to!

 I'm concerned about this simply because you don't seem very clear on things.   I think you need time to gather some clarity.  That's about the only advice I can give.  

 I'm sorry too that you are going through a difficult time with this... or so it seems.   I do hope that you get the clarity you seek.   Are you praying about it?   I would suggest if you don't want to relay personal information here (and I suggest you don't) that you speak with a priest about the issue.  They should be able to help assist you.   Just make an appointment with your local priest at the church office.   They are usually very generous with their time and kind and helpful with good advice-  the older the better as they have witnessed more in life.   I've always left feeling very blessed after speaking personally with a priest on any issue that was plaguing me.     

I just wanted to say too that I'm not sure "love is acceptance' as you say...  I'm unclear what you mean by that and have concerns about that statement.

Also, you question “but should that matter if I’m content with her?” … I’m wondering, if you found out she was abusing you in some way, would you still be content with her? (Not saying she is, just asking IF) Because that would not be healthy.

If the two of you had sexual relations before marriage already, it would be very common for either one or both of you to have trouble deciphering through emotions. This is one of the reasons the church preaches against pre-marital sex. Bonds are created. If this is so, then please do consult with a priest, again they should be able to help you.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

…

Is happiness selfish when it’s the product of someone’s sadness?

Just wanted to answer this- No. Happiness is not selfish if someone else’s sadness is brought on by their selfishness or seeks ‘its own’ at the expense of another. Those who love, want what is best for the other- they support each other mutually. Possessiveness is not a good trait. It might feel awesome, but its not really love, its ownership. Love doesn’t’ ‘own’ - possessiveness is 'self seeking and it would dishonor the other because it seeks not to protect the other’s right to do what they feel called to do in life;… see below Scripture for more information.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

[JustinK]

hi Justin,

thanks for posting.

it’s a bit hard to say because you din’t mention anything specific in your post of what issues that could be going on.

for example, what do you mean when you say your values don’t align with hers?

why do you feel guilty if you go out with friends? does she make you feel guilty for doing that? inf act, I say it’s very necessary to have other friends to hang out with besides the relationship

yes, it’s important to be there for her, but your own mental and emotion well-being is important too. as a general rule, excessive neediness and clinginess is not a healthy thing.

I’m sorry. I can be a bit vague as there’s a lot to process.

When I asked her about religion, she told me that I have my opinion and she has hers. This was unnerving because I was raised Catholic my whole life. Yes, I have questions and doubts like anyone else but she isn’t really into Church.

I never gave it another thought simply because my mom and dad are that way. My mom’s Catholic and my dad just goes to Church mainly to be with us.

About the whole guilt thing, that’s something that I must have developed early on and she just came to expect it.

I would call her all the time. We’d be on the phone together whenever I could. I never really was much for social things, anyway. So I didn’t mind. But once I made friends at work, I wanted to hang out with them at times. If I’d want to, I’d immediately think of what she would say/feel rather than what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to make her upset.

This continued on when I had to work late or simply stayed after talking to friends. She’d tell me that I didn’t care about her when that wasn’t true. I did, I just liked talking to friends.

If I wanted to play a video game or go out to play pool, I constantly checked my phone and if she called I’d have to pick up or she’d be upset.

I remember being on vacation and my family put a movie in. She called and so I talked to her. My family was calling me to come watch the movie, but anytime I’d try to leave she’d want me to stay.

Just things like that. Like I said, I care about her. Just something in me snapped and I had enough. We’d break up and get back together. It was going in circles and I guess I was tired of it. It’s nice and comforting having companionship or being there for her, but it took up my whole life.

 

[JustinK]

When two people get together, they should each be complete and have lives. It should not be a case of one person “completing” the other, or of one person fixing the other person’s life.

Naturally changes will occur when the two lives are put together in marriage: everything changes then but marriage should be a sharing of complete lives by two whole people who want to do that. Some things will no longer fit, but they should be replaced by something better.

What you describe sounds extremely unbalanced. You seem to have given up much of your life for a girl who seems to have a lot of holes in her life that you fill for her. If this is what is happening, this is an unhealthy situation for each of you: you, because your life is made too narrow; her, because the crutches you provide keep her from developing her muscles.

From what you say, I would say that, yes, her heart will be broken if you leave. But she will then be free to grow up and stand on her own two feet and she really needs that.

And you, too, will be free to grow up and develop yourself so that you will be healthy enough to enter a relationship as yourself rather than as the fixer of another’s life.

I agree. We should both have separate lives but come together.

I once thought that she could be the girl I settle down with and get married to. But we have a LOT to work on and it might just be that we can’t provide what the other needs.

Looking back, I’ve been through her dating other people, years without seeing her, etc. But the thing is we’ve talked every single day until now.

I always saw it as being there for her because I cared. Yea, it made my like incredibly narrow and I missed out on a lot. But love is patient and kind, right?

I don’t think she acknowledges that she has anything to fix. But that’s not something you really want to bring up with someone. She was just brought up differently than I was.

I loved your explanation of letting her develop her own muscles.

My brother put it to me this way:

The relationship we had is over. Now I can choose to start a fresh one with her or try to find something else.

 

[JustinK]

What concerned me about your post was that you said your values don’t match. It’s important to have similar values, or it will most likely cause problems down the road. The values don’t have to be identical but close enough so as not to cause conflict. If it’s causing problems now, it won’t get better in the future.

As to putting her first, you both need to be able to have your own lives, friends and interests. Ideally, some interests can be shared and some not, to give each other enough space.

I think if one really wanted to, one could relearn and allow room for hobbies and friends apart from the relationship. It’s common in our first relationships to want to give everything up for our partner, but it’s not advisable. We need to remember to have a variety friends, some can be shared, some not.

Anyway, that’s my :twocents: for what it’s worth. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

My only issue with this is that she’s the one person I can look past a lot of things with. And there has to be a reason for that.

I remember awhile back, I was really into this girl but then she told me about her sexuality. I couldn’t look past it and spent the night crying.

Now with this girl, I have a ‘love the sinner/hate the sin’ approach. I’m not sure why, but I do. I felt like she deserved it.

As to having my own life outside of her. I feel that she’d get upset with the fact that I would like some time away from her. She takes it to mean that I’m not worth it to her.

I kind of screwed myself over with this one I’m afraid. I am a submissive person by nature who isn’t fond of confrontation. It didn’t help that I bent over backwards for her as well for years.

It’s going to be hard to have that talk. We always talk but never communicate. The relationship is always just put on the backburner and saved for another day. But I got fed up with that and now something has to change.

 

[JustinK]

What angel1 said.

You don't say how old you are or how long you've been together, either.   What is it that she needs to be 'saved' from?   What values are they that you don't share?    You don't say these things.   When it comes to marriage-  you can't really let your feelings sway your decision.   It really has to be thought through with all the different scenarios that might arise and how you honestly think you would handle them.  (This is why the church makes couples take a course before they marry)   You should be equally yoked as they say, so that you move through life together pulling the plow with relative ease- not that pulling the plow is 'easy', its hard, but if you are unequally yoked-  that work just got very painful and difficult more than it had to!

 I'm concerned about this simply because you don't seem very clear on things.   I think you need time to gather some clarity.  That's about the only advice I can give.  

 I'm sorry too that you are going through a difficult time with this... or so it seems.   I do hope that you get the clarity you seek.   Are you praying about it?   I would suggest if you don't want to relay personal information here (and I suggest you don't) that you speak with a priest about the issue.  They should be able to help assist you.   Just make an appointment with your local priest at the church office.   They are usually very generous with their time and kind and helpful with good advice-  the older the better as they have witnessed more in life.   I've always left feeling very blessed after speaking personally with a priest on any issue that was plaguing me.     

I just wanted to say too that I'm not sure "love is acceptance' as you say...  I'm unclear what you mean by that and have concerns about that statement.

Also, you question “but should that matter if I’m content with her?” … I’m wondering, if you found out she was abusing you in some way, would you still be content with her? (Not saying she is, just asking IF) Because that would not be healthy.

If the two of you had sexual relations before marriage already, it would be very common for either one or both of you to have trouble deciphering through emotions. This is one of the reasons the church preaches against pre-marital sex. Bonds are created. If this is so, then please do consult with a priest, again they should be able to help you.

I tend to be vague when it comes to some things, sorry.

I guess the problem is that I’m not sure how to know when enough is enough. I prayed a prayer awhile back about making her happy. The next day, she decided to start dating me. So I figured there was something to that.

I have committed so much time and effort with this. I just don’t know when to stop trying.

I am 27 and we’ve been ‘together’ for 5 years. The reason I say it like that is because we were talking daily for 3 years before dating. We made it almost a full year of dating. I guess I’ve always seen us as together. She was my main focus for a lot of my life in college and pretty much my sole focus after college.

As far as what she needs to be ‘saved’ from, I felt that I could love her in a way she hadn’t been shown before. Lay down my life for her in a manner of speaking. Her family life has been a little rocky, too. I felt that I could show her that she didn’t need to get so angry or stressed out about little things. Maybe I could have shown her that those things don’t matter in the long run, but love lasts forever.

The value thing can be a bit complicated. She doesn’t really believe in Church. This automatically causes tension because she doesn’t understand why I hold some beliefs so strongly such as sex after marriage. I wish I could get her to understand the reasoning behind the things that I believe, but it seems like a lost cause.

I liked your analogy of the yoke. Both people have to put in equal work to make the relationship work. She once told me that she was putting in 110% and I remember getting upset. Then I thought how her 110% is probably different than my 110%.

Taking a step back has been super beneficial. We have never gone more than 4 days without talking and the fact that I don’t feel the need to constantly check in on her is nice as well. I hope that she uses this time to think about what she wants, as well. This break is making me see how needlessly dependent we were on each other and how unhealthy it was for me.

But I’m not sure how to fix this. I miss her but I don’t miss the stress of always trying to please her. It got to a point of trying to please someone so much that I lost sight of who I was as an individual.

Basically I gave it up to God. Though I am recognizing nothing really changes until you make it change. If it’s God’s will for us to break up for good, we will both be free to live our lives. But if it’s His will to bring us together, I have to be firm with the things I want out of a relationship.

Thank you for your suggestion of speaking with a priest. Church clears my mind as well.

The statement that ‘love is acceptance’ is something that she told me. If I loved her then I wouldn’t mind some of the things that got on my nerves. I agreed with this because I would accept her for who she is if I loved her.

I’m learning that you don’t always have to put up with things that you don’t like in a relationship. Had you asked me a year ago, I would have been fine with some of the things I’m done putting up with now. Also, people tell me she’s a bit mentally abusive. But some of that is my fault for trying so hard to please her when I should have pulled back.

We have had some relations in the past, yea. She knows my feelings about it though and has respected them since. Her feelings about it differ from mine.

 

[JustinK]

Just wanted to answer this- No. Happiness is not selfish if someone else’s sadness is brought on by their selfishness or seeks ‘its own’ at the expense of another. Those who love, want what is best for the other- they support each other mutually. Possessiveness is not a good trait. It might feel awesome, but its not really love, its ownership. Love doesn’t’ ‘own’ - possessiveness is 'self seeking and it would dishonor the other because it seeks not to protect the other’s right to do what they feel called to do in life;… see below Scripture for more information.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I meant to say that: If I’m happier without her, but it’s because we broke up and I broke her heart, that feels selfish.

I feel that I love her enough to let her go at this point. Perhaps I have done all that I can do because like I said, there was no room for growth with the way it was. I agree with you, relationships involve mutual growth.

I have mixed emotions about this passage. In fact, it’s the very passage I brought up to my mom when talking about my relationship.

I told her that Love is patient so I could put up with anything she threw at me.

I told her Love is kind so I should be kind and never angry with her.

Then my mom told me to flip it around and see if the same verse applies to my girlfriend.

That opened my eyes.

But it still made me question why I shouldn’t continue to love her even through it all.

Doesn’t everyone deserve Love?

 

[Edmundus1581]

You say you are afraid of breaking up with her because that will break her heart. Don’t expect that your loyalty will be rewarded. In the end, she may find something else or someone else and leave you with no remorse. I’ve seen it happen.

 

[Lou2U]

Hi, Justin - I remember your other thread, and really, my advice is the same. This relationship is not healthy or beneficial.

Justin, you deserve to be happy. You don’t have to feel guilty or selfish because you are happy, or you’re finding ways to be happy. You don’t have to feel selfish because you aren’t happy in a relationship.

Your girlfriend does not treat you in the way you deserve. She sounds as though she is manipulating you into feeling guilty for wanting to be without her, and now you feel it’s wrong to do activities that don’t include her. But that’s not true. And that’s not love.

Your sole focus in life shouldn’t be on her. It’s dangerous to think this way because it makes you feel like you can’t be without her, or you shouldn’t be without her. Again - that’s not true. If you are unhappy in a relationship, that is incredibly important. You can’t continually sacrifice your own happiness. That’s not love.

If she won’t acknowledge issues with her behaviour, that is a massive problem. It doesn’t matter why she won’t acknowledge them. If you want things to change, and she won’t acknowledge anything is wrong, you can’t have a happy, successful relationship.

Love is patient, love is kind. That does not mean you have to accept her guilting you, or making you feel worthless. It doesn’t mean ignoring problems, or carrying on knowing they’re there but not doing anything about them. Because that is not love.

There’s a quote I’ve found that I want to share with you - “we accept the love we think we deserve”. Why do you think you shouldn’t be happy in a relationship?

Accepting everything isn’t love. Accepting anything that you feel is wrong is not love. It’s not love to take what you don’t want because someone you think you love is giving it to you.

Of course it will be difficult, of course it’s hard to be apart. But that doesn’t make it wrong.

Lou

 

[angell1]

Hi, Justin - I remember your other thread, and really, my advice is the same. This relationship is not healthy or beneficial.

Justin, you deserve to be happy. You don’t have to feel guilty or selfish because you are happy, or you’re finding ways to be happy. You don’t have to feel selfish because you aren’t happy in a relationship.

Your girlfriend does not treat you in the way you deserve. She sounds as though she is manipulating you into feeling guilty for wanting to be without her, and now you feel it’s wrong to do activities that don’t include her. But that’s not true. And that’s not love.

Your sole focus in life shouldn’t be on her. It’s dangerous to think this way because it makes you feel like you can’t be without her, or you shouldn’t be without her. Again - that’s not true. If you are unhappy in a relationship, that is incredibly important. You can’t continually sacrifice your own happiness. That’s not love.

If she won’t acknowledge issues with her behaviour, that is a massive problem. It doesn’t matter why she won’t acknowledge them. If you want things to change, and she won’t acknowledge anything is wrong, you can’t have a happy, successful relationship.

Love is patient, love is kind. That does not mean you have to accept her guilting you, or making you feel worthless. It doesn’t mean ignoring problems, or carrying on knowing they’re there but not doing anything about them. Because that is not love.

There’s a quote I’ve found that I want to share with you - “we accept the love we think we deserve”. Why do you think you shouldn’t be happy in a relationship?

Accepting everything isn’t love. Accepting anything that you feel is wrong is not love. It’s not love to take what you don’t want because someone you think you love is giving it to you.

Of course it will be difficult, of course it’s hard to be apart. But that doesn’t make it wrong.

Lou

exactly,

I think it is time to move on. it’s not just about her having a different opinon about church. that is going to cause massive problems in the future. if you get married, will she be ok with certain church teachings on sexuality? will she agree to raise the kids catholic?

it is very abnormal for her to be upset that you want to watch a movie with your family and insist that you talk to her. or that you had dinner with your co-workers. you still made time to call her later

guilt-tripping is a big red flag. yes, love is patient, but it doen’st just sweep huge problems under the rug

no one expects a perfect relationship, obviously, but certain things really should not be ignored

 

[JustinK]

Hi, Justin - I remember your other thread, and really, my advice is the same. This relationship is not healthy or beneficial.

Justin, you deserve to be happy. You don’t have to feel guilty or selfish because you are happy, or you’re finding ways to be happy. You don’t have to feel selfish because you aren’t happy in a relationship.

Your girlfriend does not treat you in the way you deserve. She sounds as though she is manipulating you into feeling guilty for wanting to be without her, and now you feel it’s wrong to do activities that don’t include her. But that’s not true. And that’s not love.

Your sole focus in life shouldn’t be on her. It’s dangerous to think this way because it makes you feel like you can’t be without her, or you shouldn’t be without her. Again - that’s not true. If you are unhappy in a relationship, that is incredibly important. You can’t continually sacrifice your own happiness. That’s not love.

If she won’t acknowledge issues with her behaviour, that is a massive problem. It doesn’t matter why she won’t acknowledge them. If you want things to change, and she won’t acknowledge anything is wrong, you can’t have a happy, successful relationship.

Love is patient, love is kind. That does not mean you have to accept her guilting you, or making you feel worthless. It doesn’t mean ignoring problems, or carrying on knowing they’re there but not doing anything about them. Because that is not love.

There’s a quote I’ve found that I want to share with you - “we accept the love we think we deserve”. Why do you think you shouldn’t be happy in a relationship?

Accepting everything isn’t love. Accepting anything that you feel is wrong is not love. It’s not love to take what you don’t want because someone you think you love is giving it to you.

Of course it will be difficult, of course it’s hard to be apart. But that doesn’t make it wrong.

Lou

It just feels weird doing things for someone else for so long and then all of the sudden doing them for myself.

I guess I thought love was putting others first. Especially when it came to significant others. We were there for each other and we had good times, so I guess I just figured it’d get better. It was nice to have someone depend on me and since I look past a lot with her, I thought it was meant to be.

Today was good. I was happy and did a lot. My friend told me I seem a lot happier and then I told her how the first 4 days of our 2 week break went. She told me that it sounded like I was addicted to drugs. She wasn’t too far off. I was addicted to what I thought love was. My mom asked me how I was doing and just the fact that I was happier should be an indication she said. She also asked me what my plan after 2 weeks is. What I expect. At first, I wanted her to miss me for more than a night. I wanted to see if I meant more than I thought to her. I also wanted better communication because we never really talk out any issues, just always go back to what we were. I didn’t mind it because a huge part of me just liked chilling with her. The stress is gone though.

Tonight is hard. I’m wishing she was here with me to hold onto and laugh with. I’m wondering what she’s up to and if she misses me. I’m going to have a hard time sleeping tonight.

I agree, love is not trying to change someone. It’s talking things out and finding a healthy compromise. Do you think she’ll listen to reason, though? I doubt she’ll be happy that I enjoy my free time away from her and she might see it as me not caring about her. I wish she saw how much I try and understood how much I care. I wish she was sad for me when I got sad or is happy for me when I’m happy. Do you think this has any chance of working out or trying one last time? Bleh, part of me still loves her.

I like your quote. Maybe because at the start I was submissive and that carried through. It was so nice having someone there and we just kept talking through a lot in our lives. We faced challenges and overcame them in our own mixed up way. But it was also a matter of seeing through so much stuff that I guess we kind of grew to expect the other person to be there.

As far as accepting, the same thing happened. I guess she accepted that I’d be there for her whenever she called or the like. I had no problem with it so it continued on and on.

Maybe I just want what I can’t have and can’t have what I want. That’s really our relationship in a nutshell. I always flipflop and that’s a bad thing to do with love. Like tonight, oh my goodness I am really missing her right now.

I wrote something once: Maybe I can’t live with you, maybe I can’t live without you, maybe I’ll always love you for that.

The last night my friends wanted me to go out, I knew ahead of time it’d be an automatic no because I’d be on the phone with her. I wrote how she doesn’t see all the things I do behind the scenes for her. But it ended up being a good night regardless.

It just… I wish she could love me how I love her.

I’m sorry, my stomach hurts really bad. I’m missing her hard.

 

[JustinK]

exactly,

I think it is time to move on. it’s not just about her having a different opinon about church. that is going to cause massive problems in the future. if you get married, will she be ok with certain church teachings on sexuality? will she agree to raise the kids catholic?

it is very abnormal for her to be upset that you want to watch a movie with your family and insist that you talk to her. or that you had dinner with your co-workers. you still made time to call her later

guilt-tripping is a big red flag. yes, love is patient, but it doen’st just sweep huge problems under the rug

no one expects a perfect relationship, obviously, but certain things really should not be ignored

My mom had that same condition: To raise us Catholic.

I feel like after awhile, she could warm up to certain ideas. But again, you can’t really change someone’s mind too easily.

I think part of the reason why she gets upset is because she expects me to be there like I always have been. I did call her as soon as I got out.

What I find ironic is that she’s said she doesn’t expect me glued to her hip 24/7. Or that if I was with her in person, she’d need her space every once in a while. Or when she told me that she didn’t want to feel like she has to text me all the time. Or when she broke it off last time, she told me she needed space to figure out her own life.

But when I’m glued to my phone, part of me feels guilty or what if she calls. I too, need space. I don’t feel like I have to text her all the time. Granted, I might suspect something if I text her and nothing comes in for hours. Usually, she’s working though. Our schedules are flipped. She works days and I work nights. So the only time to talk usually is at night.

I told her the same thing, that I needed space to figure out my stuff as well. I was also giving her space to figure out what she wants in her life.

Part of me wants to keep trying. Part of me thinks I’m stronger than the distance and let downs and such. Part of me knows I can find other people more suited to me but then the other part of me sees something special in her not in anyone else.

Another thing someone asked me: ‘Don’t you want to hang out with friends?’ ‘Don’t you want to have someone that understands you?’ I just shrugged because it’s either be with her or be with friends. I should be able to do both with ease in a normal relationship.

Love is patient. We haven’t seen each other in 3 years. That’s a really long time. But we stuck it out for some reason. It got to a point where she would be planning on coming down and couldn’t make it due to work then asked me if it was okay. Then I told her what’s a few more months when I’ve waited this long already? That also made me think of the time I was on the phone with her for 4 hours and mentioned how we’ve been talking for hours. She replied with how I thought that was too long lol.

But man, I really miss her some days. Even with everything I still miss her. And she has a big piece of my heart. But perhaps if you have someone in your heart, they never truly leave you and maybe it’s for the best.

She once told me that our relationship is a mess but it’s our mess. I agree relationships take compromise and I guess if she’s not willing to work on some bigger issues, then we might just have to remain friends and nothing more. Geeze that idea sounds so silly to me sometimes.

 

[JustinK]

The homily today was about changing somebody’s heart.

I want to change her heart for the better because I care about her but I’m afraid she won’t see it that way.

I don’t know when to stop trying because when you care about someone, you don’t give up on them.

But maybe giving up and letting someone live their life is different.

Maybe I need to let her figure it out on her own.

But I know I can’t just be her friend and it’s hard.

I wish she could see and understand what I’m trying to do.

 

[Lou2U]

“Love liberates. It does not bind” is a quote I read today, and it made me think of your situation. Of course you want to help her, of course want her to change. But she won’t unless she wants to change herself, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I think you’re putting too much focus on her and not on yourself. You’re worried about her reactions to things, and you want to change her so she can be better, but where does that leave you? If you don’t consider your feelings and what you want, and if you compromise all the time, when do you get to be happy? When do you get to be fulfilled?

Of course you miss her. I’ve heard people say that the end of a relationship is like a death, and it is, because it’s an end to a part of your life. The time, effort, and commitment you put in suddenly isn’t there anymore.

I think you should spend more time with your friends. Keep your mind busy. Turn your phone off at night. Give yourself a chance. It’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But you aren’t happy and you deserve more than to wait for a change from someone who wants to stay the same. Your relationship sounds destructive, and you can both see it. The best thing to do is simply to walk away. Of course you care about her. You probably always will, but maybe not exactly the same as you do now. Focus on caring for yourself.

I’m sorry, this probably isn’t what you want to hear. But from your posts, it’s the best advice I can give. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much :hug1: .

Lou

 

[AnneElizabeth]

It just feels weird doing things for someone else for so long and then all of the sudden doing them for myself.

I guess I thought love was putting others first. …

You are doing just that when you put up the boundary asking someone to respect it!. You are teaching her love then! She needs to learn that. She needs to learn that she either needs personal growth in an area which she must commit herself to do, or that she needs to be aware that she is hurting you when she does these things that are draining you. Don’t forget the values you don’t share… these are also things you need to bring up. You need to solidly be your own man, your own self. Every soul on earth needs to work on ‘full capacity’ in order to do what they were created to do… meaning, when you are doing what is right and good and geared towards God’s Will, that is. That is also how you know when you are doing God’s Will.

When you become your own solid person with your face to The Son, placing God first in everything, seeking God first as Scripture says. Both people in a marriage should be solid in The Lord. Honestly, I’ve sat back and watched couples I know. The ONLY ones who are actually happy and can cope with what life slings at people are those who are both very strong in faith- individually. Everyone else flops like fish on dry land. (And not that believers can’t have their moments of doubting… that happens too)

Not only if you become strong in yourself, SHE will respect you more, and might actually start to listen. Often women will loose respect for their man when he is not being strong in his role. (Not excusing her, but often they kind of just do it without thinking too because they are not *seeing *you putting it up with what you don’t like.) I’m not saying here get mean, or rough with her, no!. I’m saying, don’t let her use you. That’s a simple taking a stand and saying a polite but firm: No and walking away. (That’s probably why she called you back that day after you prayed!) But this does not mean she gets to keep on ignoring your needs. This is often just a response. She needs to know you are serious. If she doesn’t respond in the way that she changes her ways to that… please do not go back to her. Sever it.

Of course love is putting others first, but there is affection, and then there is love. Love, in action, doesn’t always feel good. For example, my ex boyfriend from ions ago- he fell heavily into drug abuse (part of why we broke up). His parents, thank God were wealthy enough to send him off to one of those boot camps for drug abuse. That, I’m sure, did NOT feel good for them to do, but it was the last straw while he was still under their guardianship. They only had a few years to go until he turned 18 and by then it would have been too late legally for them to act. I’m sure it was hurtful for them but they were trying to do all they could to make him see straight.

This is somewhat a bad analogy since you are not a parent of your girlfriend. Its a different type of love relationship. You can’t really be her parent, though in a way you can, by setting up this boundary hopefully she will see her fault more clearly and seek to remedy it. Thing is, if she doesn’t get this with this relationship, I’m sure the next guy in her life with get this as well. Break up or no breakup pending… perhaps this is what all this is about? And maybe for you to learn to not let someone you love mistreat you without speaking up and holding your boundary well.

Listen, I assume you have talked with her and set the boundaries you need (I assume this because you said you separated and it sounds like you talked) I hope that you were very clear to her with your feelings and needs- if not, and if things aren’t severed too completely already, and you are feeling conflicted about breaking up, then go ahead and talk with her again so that it IS clear this time. If she has already moved on to another relationship, then I would not. I’d let it go. Let God. Get closer to God, make GOD and what he wants for YOU your investment, and God will direct your steps from there.

Its up to her if she wants to change. If she does, if she has shown signs that she wants to and needs to- then maybe this is ok, but it still is up to you what you want and most of all… need.
By the way I second what both angel1 and Lou posted.

 

[JustinK]

“Love liberates. It does not bind” is a quote I read today, and it made me think of your situation. Of course you want to help her, of course want her to change. But she won’t unless she wants to change herself, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I think you’re putting too much focus on her and not on yourself. You’re worried about her reactions to things, and you want to change her so she can be better, but where does that leave you? If you don’t consider your feelings and what you want, and if you compromise all the time, when do you get to be happy? When do you get to be fulfilled?

Of course you miss her. I’ve heard people say that the end of a relationship is like a death, and it is, because it’s an end to a part of your life. The time, effort, and commitment you put in suddenly isn’t there anymore.

I think you should spend more time with your friends. Keep your mind busy. Turn your phone off at night. Give yourself a chance. It’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But you aren’t happy and you deserve more than to wait for a change from someone who wants to stay the same. Your relationship sounds destructive, and you can both see it. The best thing to do is simply to walk away. Of course you care about her. You probably always will, but maybe not exactly the same as you do now. Focus on caring for yourself.

I’m sorry, this probably isn’t what you want to hear. But from your posts, it’s the best advice I can give. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much :hug1: .

Lou

Nice quote. I agree things won’t change until she sees that she needs to. I guess I’m a fool for holding out hope

It is like death. I got sick and couldn’t eat the first 4 days. Recently, though, I have been missing her a LOT. Tonight was super tough. I kept thinking of the good times that we had and things we used to say to each other. I kept my mind occupied for a few days and things started making sense. But tonight, it hurts and nothing makes sense without her. Even with everything she put me through, I still want to be in her arms.

My mom says I’ve been thinking more logically. See, logically, I would want someone to share a life with who builds me up and makes me a better version of myself. But then why do I feel soooo bad now? I’m finding myself not caring if she has different values. I find myself hating my free time because it’s not the same. Nothing is the same without her. It’s funny how when we were together, I had no free time or was made to feel guilty. Now, there’s just a lump in my throat and I feel like I have to throw up because I’m not going to sleep with her.

There is no me without her. That sounds so wrong to say. I’m sorry, I’m just having a hard night. I’m blinded with whatever this is that she did to me.

She has a tattoo on her wrist that says ‘Always’. It’s a Harry Potter reference about Snape loving Lily so much that he watched her leave and be happy. He watched over Harry because he felt he owed it to her.

Ugh. I did whatever I could to escape this but it just hurts without her. She’s my comfort. But if I don’t stick it out, this will all happen again. It’s taking everything in me to not text her tonight. Even if she’s mad at me, I just want to hear how she’s doing.

I have to stick it out.

I have to remind myself that this will be unhealthy until we can have a civil discussion of what we both need in a relationship.

I have to remind myself that I have friend that I can go out with and not occupy my whole mind with her.

I have to remind myself that she’s living her life so I should live mine, too.

I have to remember a good relationship grows and forms the people into better people.

This just really is hard.