Relationship. Advice

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EC15 said:
Does anyone have advice on how to quit doing those things or any advice at all for me?
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Don’t be alone together in private.

And, yeah, just say no. and mean it. You are a big girl, you can say no if anything even starts heading in an inappropriate direction.
 
Not necessarily.

But here’s two things, coming from a male perspective.

One, chances are he feels on some level that because you did it with someone else, he should be able to convince you to do things with him. No matter how good he is, that could be a temptation.

Two, If he can’t let it go then he obviously can’t see beyond it and you should consider then that it might be time to find a guy who loves you no matter what.
 
I agree you should take a break and assess whether this is what both of you really want. He sounds jealous and insecure, if I’m honest. It’s fine for him to want virginity, but it’s not fair to want virginity whilst simultaneously complaining he doesn’t feel close if you aren’t doing sexual acts.

Clearly there are issues here and they aren’t getting solved by you spending a lot of time together. As 1ke says, avoid being alone together if you really can’t control yourself.
 
Lou2U said:
It’s fine for him to want virginity, but it’s not fair to want virginity whilst simultaneously complaining he doesn’t feel close if you aren’t doing sexual acts.
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Yeah, that’s not kosher.
 
Nothing you’ve said so far explains why this is a great relationship, why you two are good for each other, and why you should get married.

It’s all SEX-SEX-SEX, even it’s about the sex you’re not having yet.
 
I do not think that you are bringing out the best in each other. He cannot get past your history, and you two are doing things despite knowing it’s wrong. You are both playing with fire.

Take a much longer break.

Check out chastity.com.

Read some books by Jason Evert, especially the one about finding a spouse.
 
Lou2U said:
He sounds jealous and insecure, if I’m honest. It’s fine for him to want virginity, but it’s not fair to want virginity whilst simultaneously complaining he doesn’t feel close if you aren’t doing sexual acts.
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🚩:triangular_flag_on_post:Red Flags Everwhere 🚩🚩
 
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I don’t know what “other things” you are referring to and I’m not asking you to reveal it, but it appears to me that your unequal history is a source of temptation to him. Not all “mixtures” are compatible or good (like bleach and ammonia). So, perhaps the best thing is to let him go and both of you can find people who have equal histories.
 
The whole “all of me” concept is a very immature one, when it is based on the status of someone’s virginity. This needs to be addressed. I am not sure if you subscribe to the belief that you are no longer whole because you lost your virginity, but you need to correct that if you do. Your boyfriend needs to check that attitude as well. Sex is biology, physically speaking. It has nothing to do with losing a part of yourself to someone else. It can (and in a healthy relationship like marriage, should) have a lot to do with sharing yourself emotionally with another person.

Once your boyfriend gets over his jealousy (yes, that is what it is) that you were with another person prior to your relationship with him, you will be able to move forward in a healthy relationship together. What you are doing now isn’t healthy because you both feel guilty about it. So stop it, and work on changing attitudes.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
The whole “all of me” concept is a very immature one, when it is based on the status of someone’s virginity. This needs to be addressed. I am not sure if you subscribe to the belief that you are no longer whole because you lost your virginity, but you need to correct that if you do. Your boyfriend needs to check that attitude as well. Sex is biology, physically speaking. It has nothing to do with losing a part of yourself to someone else. It can (and in a healthy relationship like marriage, should) have a lot to do with sharing yourself emotionally with another person.

Once your boyfriend gets over his jealousy (yes, that is what it is) that you were with another person prior to your relationship with him, you will be able to move forward in a healthy relationship together. What you are doing now isn’t healthy because you both feel guilty about it. So stop it, and work on changing attitudes.
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That may fly in the secular / pagan world where serial divorces/remarriages, same-sex marriage, and all sorts of behaving like rabid cocker spaniels in heat are perfectly acceptable, but this is a Catholic forum. In Catholicism, there is an exclusivity between husband and wife; otherwise why “Thou shalt not commit adultery” being a commandment? Why the comparison by St. Paul of fornication to uniting Christ to a prostitute? Quite the contrary, the concept of “all of me” needs to be reinforced, not denigrated as “immature” or “objectifying”.
 
You missed my point. My point is that she had sex outside of marriage. Outside of marriage, whether you believe it is sinful or not, sex is not “all of me” unless that is what the parties participating in the act intend for it to mean. My point to OP is that if her boyfriend thinks the sexual acts she previous engaged in were of the “all of me” caliber simply because the acts took place, he needs to mature his attitude. The impression I got from OP was not that her previous relationship was “all of me” sex. If the boyfriend doesn’t believe that or can’t wrap his head around the fact that sometimes people have pre-marital sex and it wasn’t “all of me” sex, then he needs to learn more about what living is like in the real world.

My post didn’t condone pre-marital sex.
Nothing I said is “secular” or against Catholic teaching. I suggested that unless boyfriend wants to be dating some who still has their V-card, he needs to understand human relations a little better. As a catholic, he may very well consider his girlfriends previous actions as sinful, and that is OK for him to believe that. He needs to either accept that she sinned, or move on if it is a dealbreaker for him. Instead, it sounds like they are involved in activity that is causing both of them a big ball of guilt, and they know they shouldn’t be doing it because it goes against their beliefs. It is an unhealthy relationship she describes, so I was giving my advice on what needs to be addressed.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
You missed my point. My point is that she had sex outside of marriage. Outside of marriage, whether you believe it is sinful or not, sex is not “all of me” unless that is what the parties participating in the act intend for it to mean. My point to OP is that if her boyfriend thinks the sexual acts she previous engaged in were of the “all of me” caliber simply because the acts took place, he needs to mature his attitude. The impression I got from OP was not that her previous relationship was “all of me” sex. If the boyfriend doesn’t believe that or can’t wrap his head around the fact that sometimes people have pre-marital sex and it wasn’t “all of me” sex, then he needs to learn more about what living is like in the real world.

My post didn’t condone pre-marital sex.

Nothing I said is “secular” or against Catholic teaching. I suggested that unless boyfriend wants to be dating some who still has their V-card, he needs to understand human relations a little better. As a catholic, he may very well consider his girlfriends previous actions as sinful, and that is OK for him to believe that. He needs to either accept that she sinned, or move on if it is a dealbreaker for him. Instead, it sounds like they are involved in activity that is causing both of them a big ball of guilt, and they know they shouldn’t be doing it because it goes against their beliefs. It is an unhealthy relationship she describes, so I was giving my advice on what needs to be addressed.
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Please reread the opening of the post that I responded to:
QwertyGirl said:
The whole “all of me” concept is a very immature one, when it is based on the status of someone’s virginity.
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It is immature. What is wrong with me saying that? It is a reflection of someone who is lacking the maturity to understand that sometimes the emotional aspect of sex is not a component of the physical aspect of sex.

Obviously, the church teaches that is why sex is supposed to be saved for marriage.

But a lot of the time, it isn’t saved for marriage. And that is what OPs boyfriend is dealing with now.

I was not condoning the pre-marital sex that took place. I was encouraging OP that boyfriend needs to have a better understanding of how it all works, unless he only wants to date virgins. If that is the case it is a moot point. However, OP indicates there is sexual activity of some sort or another currently going on the relationship. It seems as though they are lacking understanding of how the emotional piece works with regards to sex in general. Meanwhile, the are racking up a whole lot of guilt, which is perhaps the most unhealthy part of the whole thing. Not good. If they are doing things they believe they shouldn’t be doing, then they need to knock it off.

I still don’t understand what you found so offensinve about my post.
 
QwertyGirl said:
It is immature. What is wrong with me saying that? It is a reflection of someone who is lacking the maturity to understand that sometimes the emotional aspect of sex is not a component of the physical aspect of sex.

Obviously, the church teaches that is why sex is supposed to be saved for marriage.

But a lot of the time, it isn’t saved for marriage. And that is what OPs boyfriend is dealing with now.

I was not condoning the pre-marital sex that took place. I was encouraging OP that boyfriend needs to have a better understanding of how it all works, unless he only wants to date virgins. If that is the case it is a moot point. However, OP indicates there is sexual activity of some sort or another currently going on the relationship. It seems as though they are lacking understanding of how the emotional piece works with regards to sex in general. Meanwhile, the are racking up a whole lot of guilt, which is perhaps the most unhealthy part of the whole thing. Not good. If they are doing things they believe they shouldn’t be doing, then they need to knock it off.

I still don’t understand what you found so offensinve about my post.
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Again, please reread the first sentence.

And the part of your post that I bolded (about the emotional aspect being separated from the physical act) should be disturbing to everyone. Such people who engage in such casual sex should be the ones flagged as “immature”.
 
Norseman82 said:
And the part of your post that I bolded (about the emotional aspect being separated from the physical act) should be disturbing to everyone. Such people who engage in such casual sex should be the ones flagged as “immature”.
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OK. I am going to try one more time, then I won’t participate in this circular conversation any more.

People have sex all the time. Often time, the physical aspect of the sex act is detatched from any sort of emotional investment. Certainly, you understand this, right? It is part of what the Church so strongly opposes. Mature adults get this. The understand the difference between casual sex for entertainment and sex in a committed (i.e. married) relationship.

The boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand the difference. This shows a lack of maturity.

As an anology to understanding real world situations: A child might believe that every child lives in a happy family where all their needs are met. A mature adult understands that this isn’t always the case. GOOD: Happy family, needs being met . BAD: Abusive family, goes to bed hungry.

The boyfriends immaturity comes into play, in my opinion, because he doesn’t realize that the pre-marital sex his girlfriend engaged in didn’t come with all the goodies you get when you save it for a commited relationship (as in a Catholic marriage; since this is, afterall CAF). He is putting more importance on the pre-marital sex act than it deserves. If he was mature, he would understand it didn’t mean much of anything. He can have whatever moral opionion he wants about it. As a Catholic, I would assume he would consider it sinful.
However, everyone sins and nobody is perfect. It is on him to decide if he can overlook the sin of his girlfriend (assuming she is remorseful in a way he thinks is acceptable, as a Catholic) Then he can either move on or stay…his choice.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
OK. I am going to try one more time, then I won’t participate in this circular conversation any more.

People have sex all the time. Often time, the physical aspect of the sex act is detatched from any sort of emotional investment. Certainly, you understand this, right? It is part of what the Church so strongly opposes. Mature adults get this. The understand the difference between casual sex for entertainment and sex in a committed (i.e. married) relationship.

The boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand the difference. This shows a lack of maturity.

As an anology to understanding real world situations: A child might believe that every child lives in a happy family where all their needs are met. A mature adult understands that this isn’t always the case. GOOD: Happy family, needs being met . BAD: Abusive family, goes to bed hungry.

The boyfriends immaturity comes into play, in my opinion, because he doesn’t realize that the pre-marital sex his girlfriend engaged in didn’t come with all the goodies you get when you save it for a commited relationship (as in a Catholic marriage; since this is, afterall CAF). He is putting more importance on the pre-marital sex act than it deserves. If he was mature, he would understand it didn’t mean much of anything. He can have whatever moral opionion he wants about it. As a Catholic, I would assume he would consider it sinful.

However, everyone sins and nobody is perfect. It is on him to decide if he can overlook the sin of his girlfriend (assuming she is remorseful in a way he thinks is acceptable, as a Catholic) Then he can either move on or stay…his choice.
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All irrelevant. It doesn’t matter whether it was casual sex that means nothing or whether there was an emotional investment. Sex is something reserved for marriage. NOT realizing that is what is immature. What the boyfriend is doing wrong is his “playing with fire”. To me - and I could be wrong - he may have seen her as “easy” to push some envelopes, but then realized that it was wrong and a satanic temptation, so he is pulling back?
 
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