Relationship Age Differences: How much is too much?

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Anglican77

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My 32 year old sister has been dating a 66 year old man for 2 years. My gut reaction was that she is crazy and how could she have any positive expectations for this relationship? As I spoke to friends and family, everyone encouraged me to be supportive. So far, they have no plans for marriage, of that I am aware. While my sister is not Catholic (she is Episcopalian, like me), she does think very highly of the Church and I’d be willing to bet that she would convert if she wasn’t a chronic procrastinator (also much like me 😉 .) Any advice? My sister and I do not have the best relationship and I feel uncomfortable talking to her about these things. Should I leave it alone and let her make her own decisions, or is this worth discussing with her?

Also, are there any Catholic teachings that deal with this issue? How large of an age difference is too large?
 
I’d have to say I’d second your gut reaction and add an EWWWWWW!! for good measure. But that’s our opinion. If your sister hasn’t asked for your (name removed by moderator)ut, blessing, opinion, advice etc., keep it to yourself. It probably won’t take long for her to discover how little a 32 yo has in common with her senior citizen “boy” friend.
 
If you two don’t have the “best relationship”, it’s probably wisest to just say nothing. It could only drive a wedge between you. However, if she asks, be diplomatic. You really don’t want to tell her “EWWW, that’s gross”. 😃

I’m not sure if the Church has anything to say about age differences.
 
They are both adults and capable of making decisions. What seems gross to one person is totally normal to another. If the relationship thrives, there is no age difference too great, in my opinion. Many will say, “what can they possibly have in common?”. But in truth, you can’t really know the answer. My husband is a good bit older than me. In fact, a lot of people would probably say “eewww, what can you possibly have in common?”. We have a great deal in common and have an absolutely wonderful marriage. What works for one person is different than what works for another.
 
I think it could be called “disordered” and I say this as someone who went through it myself. The whole experience, though, brought me finally to the Church after my first husband died, so it wasn’t all bad. But the truth is the older spouse will not be around as long, is probably too old to be an effective parent (usually because they’ve been there, done that and don’t really want a repeat). So kids are out.

But I think what’s really going on is that relations between men and women have been really awful for decades now. It’s really hard to find someone closer to your own age who isn’t real ambivalent or downright hostile to commitment, much less actual marriage and children. It could be also that I grew up in Hollywood-besotted LA and then worked in Nevada for years, and I became really jaded, with all the May-December relationships there. I mean, a man was deemed a “loser” if he was with someone his own age.

So you end up gravitating to people who still have some regard for marriage (though it’s not guaranteed with the elderly either). With women giving themselves away so easily, and all the competition doing the same, it’s just a mess now and anyone who can navigate their way through it to find a decent same-age mate and raise a family really has my respect.

That said, you probably don’t have any influence over your sister. You’ll just come off sounding like an “ageist bigot” which is the way I classified my critics at the time. As you noticed, there’s not much doctrine about this, quite the contrary, and very little framework for addressing it other than the basic “ewwww” reaction above.
 
I think it depends entirely on the couple and what they find they like in each other. We also have to keep in mind the biology. A woman could do worse at 32 than marry a man in his 60’s if she wants to have children. Look at Tony Randall. He was married, quite faithfully, to his first wife for decades, but they never had children because she was unable to have them. When she died he married a much younger woman. They had children when he was in his 70’s. Now he will have descendants and his children will have the joy of knowing their father was willing, at his age, to have them and support his wife in having them. I think that is a beautiful testimony to the rightness of love and life no matter what age people are.
 
Better a 32 year old girl with a 66 year old man then a 15 year old girl with a 49 year old man! :bigyikes:
 
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JGheen:
Better a 32 year old girl with a 66 year old man then a 15 year old girl with a 49 year old man! :bigyikes:
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At least in our culture which considers a 15 year old still a child. There are many in which a female that age is considered an adult who can marry an adult man of any age. Right here in the USA some states allowed 13 year olds to marry at one time until such laws were struck down by those who feel teenaged people incapable of making informed decisions about marriage. Personally, I think that premise is simply not true and has turned our young people into selfish babies who have no sense of the future and no responsibilities, which is why so many of them get involved in drugs, gangs, and general lawlessness, including reckless sex and ill-planned marriages.
 
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Della:
Right here in the USA some states allowed 13 year olds to marry at one time until such laws were struck down by those who feel teenaged people incapable of making informed decisions about marriage. Personally, I think that premise is simply not true and has turned our young people into selfish babies who have no sense of the future and no responsibilities, which is why so many of them get involved in drugs, gangs, and general lawlessness, including reckless sex and ill-planned marriages.
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Do you think 13 year olds turn to “drugs, gangs, and general lawlessness, including reckless sex and ill-planned marriages” because they can’t legally be married? Please clarify.
 
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Anglican77:
My 32 year old sister has been dating a 66 year old man for 2 years. My gut reaction was that she is crazy and how could she have any positive expectations for this relationship? As I spoke to friends and family, everyone encouraged me to be supportive. So far, they have no plans for marriage, of that I am aware. While my sister is not Catholic (she is Episcopalian, like me), she does think very highly of the Church and I’d be willing to bet that she would convert if she wasn’t a chronic procrastinator (also much like me 😉 .) Any advice? My sister and I do not have the best relationship and I feel uncomfortable talking to her about these things. Should I leave it alone and let her make her own decisions, or is this worth discussing with her?

Also, are there any Catholic teachings that deal with this issue? How large of an age difference is too large?
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What would the reaction be if she was 66 and he was 32?
 
Hi Snoopy,

I’d suggest that you do discuss it with her but in a friendly, sister-to-sister kind of a way. I certainly wouldn’t give negative views the first time you chat to her about him. I’d encourage her to talk about him, why she likes him, tell her you heard that she has a new man and you want to know all about him etc. I’d also try to see the 2 of them interacting, get to know him too if this is practical.

After spending a bit of time with the 2 of them (if possible) and spending more time with your sister deepening your sisterly bond and letting her chat away about him, you would be in a better position to judge the situation and maybe give her specific reasons why you don’t think it’s a good idea (if in fact you do feel that way then).

I have to say that I wouldn’t be too happy if my own sister dated a man that much older than her. But I know that unless I was close to my sister and had also met the guy and knew the particulars, I would have zero influence with my sister.

There are 17 years between my father and my mother so I think significant age-gaps can work although I think it is more ideal to be closer in age. However, the age gap in your sisters situation is double the significant age gap between my parents!
 
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snoopy:
What would the reaction be if she was 66 and he was 32?
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It would be the same for me, perhaps a little worse since there would be no chance for him to be a father, unless they adopted.
 
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MooCowSteph:
They are both adults and capable of making decisions. What seems gross to one person is totally normal to another. If the relationship thrives, there is no age difference too great, in my opinion. Many will say, “what can they possibly have in common?”. But in truth, you can’t really know the answer. My husband is a good bit older than me. In fact, a lot of people would probably say “eewww, what can you possibly have in common?”. We have a great deal in common and have an absolutely wonderful marriage. What works for one person is different than what works for another.
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Thanks MooCowSteph, so far, that has been the advice I’ve been given by friends and family members. I guess my concern is growing because it has been 2 years and no proposal in sight. I know we should never rush into marriage, but when you’re dating someone who is getting up there in age, time is of the essence, right?
 
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Della:
I think it depends entirely on the couple and what they find they like in each other. We also have to keep in mind the biology. A woman could do worse at 32 than marry a man in his 60’s if she wants to have children. Look at Tony Randall. He was married, quite faithfully, to his first wife for decades, but they never had children because she was unable to have them. When she died he married a much younger woman. They had children when he was in his 70’s. Now he will have descendants and his children will have the joy of knowing their father was willing, at his age, to have them and support his wife in having them. I think that is a beautiful testimony to the rightness of love and life no matter what age people are.
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Thanks Della,

You’re right, everyone is different. I’m just worried that she is setting herself up for a difficult life. Not that there is anything wrong with that necessarily, but we all want what’s best for our family, don’t we? Perhaps it is me just being selfish. MooCowStef is right, she is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions.
 
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JGheen:
Do you think 13 year olds turn to “drugs, gangs, and general lawlessness, including reckless sex and ill-planned marriages” because they can’t legally be married? Please clarify.
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No, not per se. But, when young people did have that option and were encouraged to marry young they were more responsible and more interested in making something of themselves rather than in “hanging out” and getting into trouble.

I really can’t see our culture returning to young marriage, especially since our young people are not brought up expecting to marry young, but we, as a society, ought to be giving them some valid responsibilities in order to mold them into good citizens and responsible adults.
 
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Anglican77:
Thanks Della,

You’re right, everyone is different. I’m just worried that she is setting herself up for a difficult life. Not that there is anything wrong with that necessarily, but we all want what’s best for our family, don’t we? Perhaps it is me just being selfish. MooCowStef is right, she is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions.
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I understand your reservations and concerns, but you sister has to live her own life. If she isn’t likely to welcome your advise, it would be better just to support her no matter what she decides about this relationship. It will probably fizzle all on its own, though. Such odd parings usually don’t last because of the difficulties and differences between people in their 30’s and those in their 60’s.
 
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Anglican77:
Thanks Della,

You’re right, everyone is different. I’m just worried that she is setting herself up for a difficult life. Not that there is anything wrong with that necessarily, but we all want what’s best for our family, don’t we? Perhaps it is me just being selfish. MooCowStef is right, she is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions.
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I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. We all want the best for our family members, especially those closest to us. It can be very difficult to seperate yourself. Even knowing this man for 2 years, however, I find interesting that you are still concerned. It makes me think again before saying that this is probably not a big deal. In my situation, for example, we are 18 years apart, and while many may think that’s wierd, it’s only those who don’t know the both of us. Anyone who knows us both thinks we’re a great couple. If your family thinks the situation in unhealthy, it probably is. I wish I had more advice to offer you. It’s very hard to watch someone we love make mistakes. It seems there is very little you can do, however.
 
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caroljm36:
I think it could be called “disordered” and I say this as someone who went through it myself. The whole experience, though, brought me finally to the Church after my first husband died, so it wasn’t all bad. But the truth is the older spouse will not be around as long, is probably too old to be an effective parent (usually because they’ve been there, done that and don’t really want a repeat). So kids are out.
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I do not want to sound as if I am chastising you but you are not in any position to make these judgements about people you know nothing of. I have had people I know die of an embolism at 37, of heart failure at 19, and in accidents at all ages. I also know people well into their 80’s and even their early 90’s. There is no guaranty how long any of us will be around. Why not spend what time you have with the one you choose to? I would also say that an older man would be more likely to be a good parent than many of the young guys around now. But we do not know. We do not know him. She does, and she is an adult who can judge for herself.
 
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Anglican77:
Thanks MooCowSteph, so far, that has been the advice I’ve been given by friends and family members. I guess my concern is growing because it has been 2 years and no proposal in sight. I know we should never rush into marriage, but when you’re dating someone who is getting up there in age, time is of the essence, right?
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No. where did you get that silly idea?
 
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