Relationship ended tonight

[dedo]

Thanks folks, for the thoughts.

I think a part of me was hoping that you guys would all say they “well what did you expect you heathen” that would have made this easier.

Anyways, she is coming over today and I think we are stamping out the formalities. I guess I will get my ipod and headphones back, and my Fiskers Axe, lol…

someone kick me in the stomach please so that I can blame this feeling on somthing physical .

Emotional pain from a break up is really tough. I am sorry you are going through this.

You have made a couple good decisions. First, it sounds like you handled the break up with maturity. Second, you are reaching out to others. At a time like this being around and interacting with other people is important, and will help you heal.

One thing you can consider is how to use this experience for something positive. Obviously, you don’t want to go through it again if that can be avoided. In general, the only person each of us can change is ourselves, and our influence on others is governed by the amount of work we put into ourselves, or the example we set.

The loss of a partner, especially for a guy, can be a powerful force for change. I think it is called the “10 thousand ships” effect. For me, being rejected when I was a floundering undergraduate whose grades had fallen created a decisive turning point for my life. My grades came up from 2.6 my third year in college to 4.0 my last year and I believe I obtained the highest mark in about every class I attended. I became determined to be “good enough” for someone like the person I lost. And it worked.

Last summer I had the great fortune to train with someone who put the energy of a breakup into both his academics and athletics. The last time I talked to him, he was winning tournaments in two sports and doing very well academically.

In your case, you said your girlfriend listened to you and this forced her to learn more about her faith in a way that made her stronger. So my question is: “Did you listen to her?” Are you willing to change enough to be a suitable partner for this type of girl?

From the Catholic point of view, God loves you equal to the way He loves believers. There are many former atheists here and some current atheists who weigh in on different threads.

So you are welcome here if you want to learn more about how and why people have changed their views regarding religion.

I don’t know if there is a possible future for you with a Catholic girl. However, I am certain that the path is one of your own personal growth to the extent that you apply yourself to this. (I am growing too.)
So I hope you consider what she has said she needs as much as she has listened to you, and decide to what extent you are willing to change.

Good luck.

 

[mwncheesehead]

I hope this breakup brings you closer to God. Nothing happens by chance.

 

[Evania]

I think you’re being harsh. I’m all about tough love, but being blinded by love and emotions and not being able to see down the line has little to do with strength and maturity.

Agreed.

Personally, I have yet to see the tough love technique work on a complete stranger. It comes across as cold, and although you may be right, usually the message is lost. I prefer to say the truth, but drape it in charity.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m sorry.

Breakups are really tough.

Just about all of us have been there, done that and got the t-shirt (so to speak).

I’ve been involved in one painful breakup. We had been together about as long as you and this girl had been together.

At the time I was agnostic. He was too. It doesn’t matter if you are Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Agnostic, non-believing…breakups are the same all around. They hurt. It feels like you are physically sick.

My advice is to cut contact with her. Take her numbers out of your phone and de-friend her on Facebook. As difficult as this sounds it will help you heal. Wounds that are healing will heal completely and won’t be reopened because you found out that she misses you or she is dating again.

My ex did this with me and while I felt that much more hurt and rejected…it really helped me heal.
We still don’t talk to each other and we haven’t since the day we broke up almost 8 years ago. We’ve both moved on and married other people and, while I know that I’m happy…I pray that he is just as happy as I am.

Healing takes time. I’ll say a prayer for you.

 

[CaliLobo]

Thanks folks, for the thoughts.

I think a part of me was hoping that you guys would all say they “well what did you expect you heathen” that would have made this easier.

Anyways, she is coming over today and I think we are stamping out the formalities. I guess I will get my ipod and headphones back, and my Fiskers Axe, lol…

someone kick me in the stomach please so that I can blame this feeling on somthing physical .

A few things come to mind:

1. Well what did you expect you heathen??
2. Are you sure she’s as Catholic as you think? Hardcore Catholics don’t date outside of their faith. Do not be yoked with unbelievers, says the Bible. In fact, you did say that she listened to you and it made her research her faith a little more, so she wasn’t that Catholic at the start, right? Did you sleep with her? Does she support abortion rights under certain circumstances? If you got her pregnant will she abort the baby? If the answers to these are yes, then she’s not that Catholic to begin with. You should’ve converted her to atheism while you still had the chance
3. If you didn’t sleep with her, and you guys had different attitudes about sex, then why did you waste ten months of your life with her?

Flash46196:

but I still want to ask, like. . . what the heck do I do now?

May I recommend several stiff mixed drinks.

Or use this time to enjoy your newfound freedom, party, meet new women and hook up! I know I’m in a town with slim pickings, so that stops me. But you seem like someone who knows how to date and can find someone else with relative ease. Why so much pain? What’s stopping you??

dedo:

The loss of a partner, especially for a guy, can be a powerful force for change…

So you are welcome here if you want to learn more about how and why people have changed their views regarding religion.

Yes, the loss of my girlfriend changed me greatly. I have quit the Christian faith.

It made me realize that God, if he exists, doesn’t care about me and is not loving. If God is cruel enough to let me meet a near-perfect woman but then let her break up with me after only 19 days, then he doesn’t care for my happiness, and in turn he is not a loving God. In return, I don’t love him and don’t want to worship him anymore.

I realize I value my happiness, and sexual freedom, above “Christian moral teaching”.

It made me resolve to achieve at work and run a half marathon in under 2 hours, but at the same time change my personality to take life less seriously. I’ve taken dance and guitar lessons to expand my horizons. I started smoking again in moderation (an agnostic freedom). Yesterday I just came back from a night of debauchery with the kickball league I’m in (another agnostic freedom). I was not shy to dance either; looks like the dance lessons worked!

It also made me resolve to improve my social skills, because obviously God didn’t help me in this area when I was younger…

 

[bsf]

A few things come to mind:

1. Well what did you expect you heathen??
2. Are you sure she’s as Catholic as you think? Hardcore Catholics don’t date outside of their faith. Do not be yoked with unbelievers, says the Bible. In fact, you did say that she listened to you and it made her research her faith a little more, so she wasn’t that Catholic at the start, right? Did you sleep with her? Does she support abortion rights under certain circumstances? If you got her pregnant will she abort the baby? If the answers to these are yes, then she’s not that Catholic to begin with. You should’ve converted her to atheism while you still had the chance
3. If you didn’t sleep with her, and you guys had different attitudes about sex, then why did you waste ten months of your life with her?

May I recommend several stiff mixed drinks.

Or use this time to enjoy your newfound freedom, party, meet new women and hook up! I know I’m in a town with slim pickings, so that stops me. But you seem like someone who knows how to date and can find someone else with relative ease. Why so much pain? What’s stopping you??

Yes, the loss of my girlfriend changed me greatly. I have quit the Christian faith.

It made me realize that God, if he exists, doesn’t care about me and is not loving. If God is cruel enough to let me meet a near-perfect woman but then let her break up with me after only 19 days, then he doesn’t care for my happiness, and in turn he is not a loving God. In return, I don’t love him and don’t want to worship him anymore.

I realize I value my happiness, and sexual freedom, above “Christian moral teaching”.

It made me resolve to achieve at work and run a half marathon in under 2 hours, but at the same time change my personality to take life less seriously. I’ve taken dance and guitar lessons to expand my horizons. I started smoking again in moderation (an agnostic freedom). Yesterday I just came back from a night of debauchery with the kickball league I’m in (another agnostic freedom). I was not shy to dance either; looks like the dance lessons worked!

It also made me resolve to improve my social skills, because obviously God didn’t help me in this area when I was younger…

I am truly sorry you are troubled. I hope you can address your anger in a healthy way. Yes, you can hurt God, and I am certain you have. I do not believe he does not love you, though. Hurting him will not heal you.

Life is full of pain. Turning toward God will yield the best results. Turning away from Him is not going to work out in the end.

 

[bsf]

Flash46196,

This Catholic absolutely does not revel in your pain. If I could give you a pat on the back and buy you a beer or non-alcoholic beverage, I would. I hope you grow from this and become stronger because of the experience.

 

[Annie39]

Well it was a good run,

I’m a militant atheist, I was dating a hardcore Catholic girl, we dated for ten months. But it was about a year ago that I took her out for supper, and a Spanish guitar show that we never got to.

We went to a wedding tonight, at the end of the night she dropped me at my car, pulled back from a hug and a kiss, and I felt it, and I knew.

Such is life I suppose. I did my best to be a good man in her life, and she did say that I strengthened her faith, and forced her to learn more about her beliefs to talk to me, so perhaps that was my role in her life.

She does love me, she says so, and I believe her. But she brings up important issues like the raising of children and other things. They are real issues, and would not go away overnight.

Anyways, I am pretty lost right now, I know this will be a really really really hard next little while. I made her a promise a long time ago that I wanted what was best for her, and I admitted at the time it may not be me. I promised that I would not try and hold on for selfish reasons. Or fight for her, or make appeals and pleas . . . So I am not.

This just sucks. I am not doing so good about it right now.

I do love this women, it just sucks …

anyways, as part of my coping mechanism I came here, so you guys can all laugh, although I did not seek your god in my hour of need, I sure did come to this website to tell you guys . . .

May I ask what is a militant atheist? The image I get in my mind is quite different from someone who dated a Catholic for 10 months. The only other thing that I can think of is that she thought that she could change you and she couldn’t and perhaps the wedding put things into perspective for her.

Annie

 

[k2912p]

anyways, as part of my coping mechanism I came here, so you guys can all laugh, although I did not seek your god in my hour of need, I sure did come to this website to tell you guys . . .

Surely you don’t think we would do that, I hope?

I am SO sorry for the loss of your relationship. It sounds like you had a really good one. We’ve all known heartbreak, regardless of our religion. The issues of children and all are real issues, though. That’s often the problem when two people have such differences, and vast differences at that. You said that you want her to be happy. I’m sue that’s what she would want for you, as well. She wouldn’t ask you to compromise your convictions any more than you would want her to compromise her convictions for you.

If you are sure of your convictions, there’s not much you can do. But you are here. I have to wonder…ARE you sure? In my encounters, Atheists are highly intelligent people, and based on your post, I would assume the same of yourself. Why, may I ask, are you Atheist? I ask not to condemn, and I do not want this to become a thread like that!!! I ask out of a sense of open communication (FRIENDLY).

I will pray for you, either way. Hang in there!

 

[Flash46196]

Well she came by, and we talked it all out. It is over.

Im not sure if I really pointed it out in the initial post, I felt the same way and knew that we had to end things. Especially if marriage and children were the next conceivable steps in the relationship.

But this an amazing women, and I dont believe in just ending things without seeing where it could go.

There are no sure things in relationships. I entered into this one after a long long slow start, and I made a decision one day that I would give myself completely her, and that the meant that I may have my heart smashed open, but I would not have traded this relationship for anything.

I embraced vulnerability. and we had a good relationship. I cannot stress that enough. Our issues centered 100% around our beliefs.

I did not think you guys would actually laugh, I probably posed here for two reasons. First, because I joined this side like ten months ago, to ask questions about her faith, and how I could be a better man for her ect. At the time many of you warned me about the hardships ahead. The second reason I posed this, is that you guys are good people, kind and accepting. I appreciate that.

I do know this is normal, and if the problems in the relationship were things like, lying, cheating, and other ****, then you know what, such is life, relationships end.

what burns me up is that we had a good thing, but for our religious beliefs.

 

[bsf]

……what burns me up is that we had a good thing, but for our religious beliefs.

I understand religious beliefs are more strongly held by some than others. For those whose “religion” is not actually important, your comment makes sense to me. For those whose faith defines them, your comment seems analogous to saying “I was healthy but for the terminal, inoperable brain tumor.” So, not really healthy. Similarly, if her faith is important to her and you hold strongly your denial of God, your relationship had little chance, IMO. So, maybe not such a “good thing”. I understand you are in love with her and miss those things you shared. Sorry for your pain.

 

[DaisymaeD]

Dear Flash, I’m so sorry for your pain, it’s not funny and no way am I laughing.
I truly wish you all the best.
And no, from a “Catholic” POV, you are not being punished or karma or any of that.
Please find some good friends to turn to for solace.
Breakups are just painful and take time to heal, so be real good to yourself in the meantime…

 

[chevalier]

Hi, Flash. Sorry to hear about your loss. On the other hand, glad to hear you’re coping like a man.

Reminds me of something years ago, a reverse situation of sorts. I was the Catholic, though I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit there were serious problems. I made the same promises you did, except I failed to keep them.

what burns me up is that we had a good thing, but for our religious beliefs.

Beliefs are important. Moments like that help you understand how much. Took me many lessons to learn. I’m still not sure I have fully wisened up, even though I’ve come to the point where women my age begin to worry about being able to have children. But wisdom has more to do with character than with fuzzy feelings anyway.

It made me realize that God, if he exists, doesn’t care about me and is not loving. If God is cruel enough to let me meet a near-perfect woman but then let her break up with me after only 19 days, then he doesn’t care for my happiness, and in turn he is not a loving God. In return, I don’t love him and don’t want to worship him anymore.

I’m sorry to hear about your loss as well (although I’ve already heard of it, of course, as we both remember). You never know what God might be saving you from at any given moment, as that would take more knowledge than a mortal man has. For the record, I have:

– had a relationship that lasted an entire fortnight with my first girlfriend past kindergarten,
– another that lasted 1 day IIRC (I first thought 3, but I think it was 1 really) perhaps a year later,
– lost the address of the first girl that really treated me well and actually had some sort of high regard for me (enough to interject with a, ‘no, but he’s taken,’ when someone asked if I had a girlfriend),
– through my own oh-no-she’s-giving-me-the-cold-shoulder-just-not-saying-it silliness failed to ask out again my best friend’s cousin, a really wonderful woman, after a scenario similar the immediately foregoing, and after she had to cancel initially due to some complications,
– spiralled into an LJBF just moments after it turned out I shared a surname with the ex-boyfriend of the woman to whom I was attracted perhaps the most in my entire life (as much as it may’ve been an idle fancy),
– been pursued by likely the last-mentioned herself (yeah, never really could know for sure, it was an intrigue worthy of a Dumas novel) except she dropped me like a hot potato herself not much time into the exchange of that chain of messages, like hours into it,
– oh, and a de facto relationship of sorts that lasted a grand total of 2 hours before I found the lady in question under the blanket with some guy.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And some of the hereinabove was clearly for the better.

It also made me resolve to improve my social skills, because obviously God didn’t help me in this area when I was younger…

Who knows what He’s helping you with right now. Hope you’ll end up having gained something more important than social skills.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I’m sorry for your pain; it hurts so much to break up with someone you love, and it’s devastatingly disappointing as well. It does sound to me as though you handled the situation in a very mature way; I commend you and her for that. You were in a situation where it would have been easy to try to ignore the issue of religion and just coast along and hope that love would solve everything. But instead, you chose to look ahead to the future and realize that the best thing for both you of you would be to go your separate ways. If you were selfish, you would have tried to hang on to her, but because you loved her, you let her go. I admire that, and I will say a prayer for you that God will be with you in your hurt.

 

[PennyinCanada]

what burns me up is that we had a good thing, but for our religious beliefs.

I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. Life is painful for believer and non-believer alike, because we are human and still on this planet.

As you know, although the difference in religious beliefs doesn’t seem that big a deal at the moment, when everything else was great, remember that issue would have changed dramatically once a baby was born. I hope the thought of that future conflict and stress will help you with your wrestling thoughts today. Best wishes to you, and I hope that you feel free to continue to ask questions if you wish, about what ever tomorrow gives you.

 

[Michael57]

Well she came by, and we talked it all out. It is over.
what burns me up is that we had a good thing, but for our religious beliefs.

Well, I know that you’ve described yourself as a militant atheist, but have you considered praying to God and asking for His grace and for faith?

You have nothing to lose, you would be in no worse shape than you are now, and if God gives you faith, that would place you on a path that could bring you both back together.

Just a suggestion. Stranger things have happened in life.

Still praying for you.

 

[Estevao]

Why are you sad OP?

If atheism is true then all of human existence and experience is no different that that of a swarm of mosquitoes or a herd of pigs. It makes no difference, our end is all the same. There is no meaning, no purpose and no value in human life on atheism. I really fail to see why you’re getting so involved with this woman, or so upset that your relationship has failed. Anything which you would have done with her in your life would have been ultimately meaningless anyway. And even this love that you are so obsessed with in your life has no reason for its existence on atheism, it is just some freak accident emerging from a lump of slime (i.e. man) that somehow evolved rationality. It was just a spark in the infinite blackness of the universe that has flickered and will now disappear forever along with every other love that has ever existed.

 

[Flash46196]

Why are you sad OP?

If atheism is true then all of human existence and experi. . . . . . . . . . . . … . . .

And its in this view I can find both my pure joy, and my utter despair.

I get one kick at the can, so I choose to fill it with love, and kindness to everyone in my life.

At this point I am in the “utter despair” point I suppose. I believe in the human experience. this thing we are doing it real, and like you guys have all been saying, believe or non believer alike, this thing, these emotions are real, they are human. And in a way its important that I can feel them. I have to hit these lows, and I dont know yet how low these lows will get, but I have to hit them before I can crawl back out.

Once again guys, thanks for the kind words, it means the world.

C.

 

[Michael57]

And its in this view I can find both my pure joy, and my utter despair.

Once again guys, thanks for the kind words, it means the world.

C.

Keeping you in prayer, young man, take care.

Peace be with you.

 

[Demetra2]

An atheist that I was once very close to once, said in response to my comment “but you don’t believe in God”… “I didn’t say I didn’t believe in God, but I reject God”. He called himself atheist though.

That story is quite chilling.

To the OP, your sincerity in caring for your girl friend strongly comes through and I am sorry for your loss. But as a Christian /Catholic woman she realized that she could not be unevenly yoked with you. Praise God! Marriage would be difficult and raising children would be very difficult because children often go the path of their father. Your only move here is to ask the Holy Spirit to give you the gift of faith. You should do this whether or not the young lady is ever a part of your life. For your OWN sake. I’ll pray for you today.