Relationship help needed

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I would really appreciate any advice on what to do in this situation, especially from a man’s perspective (although advice from anyone is appreciated).

I ended a relationship about a month and a half ago with a man whom I now realize that I love very much and want to be with. I know that I hurt him in breaking it off, especially since he was not really expecting it. I have had a lot of confusion in relationships, probably mostly due to the fact that I am always scared about making the wrong decision. As a consequence, I can never see what is right in front of me until it is too late. However, I am hoping that there is some way that this time, it is not too late.

My problem is getting him to talk to me. I texted him last week asking him if he wanted to meet up sometime. (This was the first contact we had since breaking up.) He did say “sure,” but when I asked “when,” he said that he was very busy with moving into his new place, and said maybe next week he would have time. This was several days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since then. So this morning, I just sent him a text asking how the moving was going, and he has not responded.

What can I do to re-establish contact with him again? I want to tell him that I am sorry, that I love him so much, and that I am sure now that I want to be with him and would be committed to the relationship; but I want to tell him in person. But I don’t know how to do that if he isn’t responding to me (and I don’t want to bombard him with text messages).

Please don’t be too hard on me. :o I care deeply about him and want to get him back, but am not sure how to do it (and how not to seem desperate).
 
If he’s not responding it could be because he has moved on and does not wish to open a can of worms. I’d say call him at a time he would be likely to be able to talk and see. If he picks up, talk to him. If he doesn’t, leave a message. Once you’ve left a message if he doesn’t get back with you then assume he’s not interested and move on yourself.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I would really appreciate any advice on what to do in this situation, especially from a man’s perspective (although advice from anyone is appreciated).

I ended a relationship about a month and a half ago with a man whom I now realize that I love very much and want to be with. I know that I hurt him in breaking it off, especially since he was not really expecting it. I have had a lot of confusion in relationships, probably mostly due to the fact that I am always scared about making the wrong decision. As a consequence, I can never see what is right in front of me until it is too late. However, I am hoping that there is some way that this time, it is not too late.

My problem is getting him to talk to me. I texted him last week asking him if he wanted to meet up sometime. (This was the first contact we had since breaking up.) He did say “sure,” but when I asked “when,” he said that he was very busy with moving into his new place, and said maybe next week he would have time. This was several days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since then. So this morning, I just sent him a text asking how the moving was going, and he has not responded.

What can I do to re-establish contact with him again? I want to tell him that I am sorry, that I love him so much, and that I am sure now that I want to be with him and would be committed to the relationship; but I want to tell him in person. But I don’t know how to do that if he isn’t responding to me (and I don’t want to bombard him with text messages).

Please don’t be too hard on me. :o I care deeply about him and want to get him back, but am not sure how to do it (and how not to seem desperate).
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Well, maybe you could call him at a time when you know he’d be available to answer the phone? I think personally I’d tell him that you have something important to talk to him about. Since you dumped him, he might be avoiding spending time with you to protect his feelings. He may have no idea you want to reestablish a relationship. It’s hard to know, but I would at least try calling him since texting isn’t working. And if all else fails you could send him a message on facebook or by e-mail, but for me that would be the last-ditch effort if he keeps avoiding spending time with you.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
He did say “sure,” but when I asked “when,” he said that he was very busy with moving into his new place.
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Were you living together that he’s now moving into a new place?
Why did you break up?

After a break up, we can really be missing the person terribly and our emotions can be very strong, so strong that we can start to rationalize that we really should give it another try. What were the reasons you broke up? Were they reasonable? Did they make sense? Breaking up now is much better than getting married and later thinking ‘What was I thinking?’ Many people get married, have children, and then go through an ugly divorce. They overlook the red flags earlier before the marriage happened. If it’s any consolation, I went through something similar and I’m so grateful that I was able to move on and marry someone who shared my faith so we could establish our marriage on the rock that is Jesus Christ.
 
PennyinCanada said:
Were you living together that he’s now moving into a new place?
Why did you break up?

After a break up, we can really be missing the person terribly and our emotions can be very strong, so strong that we can start to rationalize that we really should give it another try. What were the reasons you broke up? Were they reasonable? Did they make sense? Breaking up now is much better than getting married and later thinking ‘What was I thinking?’
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No, we were not living together. I am not sure how reasonable my reasons were. I truly do think that in this case, we should give the relationship another try.
 
I’m a single man, hopefully this helps…

IMO, don’t bombard him with messages, one good one should suffice. Just be clear and direct about what you think. If you have a hard time with it, consider writing it out ahead of time. I think men appreciate concrete examples/reasons. I know I wouldn’t be swayed by vague feelings

As PennyinCanada just mentioned, people have a tendency to romanticize what they’ve lost. The last thing you want to do is let him think that’s the case.
 
I agree with some of the others. You need to show your cards a little bit. Right now from his perspective there is no reason to think you want to get back together. Therefore, if he is hurt, he’s going to want to limit his exposure to you. Thinking of you, hearing your voice, hurts, because he may very well still want to be with you too. So right now he’s protecting himself from getting hurt further by continuing to see or talk to someone he can’t have. You should text him something like. “Well hope the move is going well. When you do get a chance though I would really like to get together. There is something important I’d like to talk to you about.” If he is still interested, this will give him enough hope to risk putting himself out there to meet up with you. And I doubt he’ll pick up a phone call, I’d stick with texts.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
No, we were not living together. I am not sure how reasonable my reasons were. I truly do think that in this case, we should give the relationship another try.
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Sadly, you may not get the opportunity for another try if he chooses not to do so, and it would not be unreasonable for him to choose not to do so. I’m sorry for your sorrow.
 
TheLastUnicorn said:
Well, maybe you could call him at a time when you know he’d be available to answer the phone? I think personally I’d tell him that you have something important to talk to him about. Since you dumped him, he might be avoiding spending time with you to protect his feelings. He may have no idea you want to reestablish a relationship.
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I wondered about this. I guess I figured he would just know that’s what I wanted to talk about, but maybe I shouldn’t assume that, given that I didn’t really say.
TheLastUnicorn said:
It’s hard to know, but I would at least try calling him since texting isn’t working. And if all else fails you could send him a message on facebook or by e-mail, but for me that would be the last-ditch effort if he keeps avoiding spending time with you.
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I may try that, and let him know that I have something important to talk about. I am not sure about calling, though; honestly the thought scares me. I wonder if I should wait a while now before trying to contact him again? I just don’t know what to do.
 
Havard said:
I’m a single man, hopefully this helps…

IMO, don’t bombard him with messages, one good one should suffice. Just be clear and direct about what you think. If you have a hard time with it, consider writing it out ahead of time. I think men appreciate concrete examples/reasons. I know I wouldn’t be swayed by vague feelings

As PennyinCanada just mentioned, people have a tendency to romanticize what they’ve lost. The last thing you want to do is let him think that’s the case.
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Ok, since my other messages were not overly clear and direct (see my original post), should I send him one more, telling him that I have something important to talk to him about? Or is that too many messages in a short period of time?
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I can never see what is right in front of me until it is too late. However, I am hoping that there is some way that this time, it is not too late.

Please don’t be too hard on me. :o I care deeply about him and want to get him back, but am not sure how to do it (and how not to seem desperate).
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A month and a half is quite a long time to have passed. He may have already done his best to move on with his life. That often involves hardening one’s heart for a time, unfortunately.

So, I am not sure you should want to avoid appearing desperate. AREN’T you desperate? You describe your love for him and your sorrow for rejecting him. I think a certain amount of desperation is called for. Now is not the time to appear aloof and calm and collected.

I would not wait for him to respond to a text. That is so impersonal. Call him. If he won’t answer, leave a message telling him (briefly) how wrong and sorry you are and how much you miss him. Then ask him to consider meeting you face-to-face. Or, hand write a letter with the same type of message and send it through the mail. Or, try calling first and then send a letter with more details.

If you truly love him, and you are fairly certain he feels or felt similarly about you, you need to follow this through. The worst that can happen is for him to inform you he has moved on. The best is that he will resume a courtship with you. But if you do nothing, the regret is worse than the heartbreak.

Good luck. I really hope you can reach him on the phone so that you can attempt to repair it. Let us know how that goes! God bless!
 
First of all call him up at a good time… Don’t drop the full thing on him during. The phone call but use the phone call to get a better understanding on if he wants to meet up or not… Don’t sound too desperate during this but maybe say something like you really see how this relationship can move in a right direction now… Have and attitude like take it or leave it… Don’t sound too desperate once again haha… If you get the hint like he isn’t sure just leave it in my opinion but be open to be kinda friends ( text/ talk every now and then and then it’s time goes on you never know) but if he is interested in seeing you try to explain to him how this time it will go right etc and what ever comes natural in what you say in how much you love him… Pray also during this period for the right feeling of direction …

In a relationship a man won’t really be attracted to the girl if she keeps chasing after him… Try and let him come to you perhaps… Let it be a 50/50 thing if possible…(I know this is sad but it’s how society actually thinks today ha)

I apologize if my advice sounds worldly in a sense
 
Farley4334 said:
I agree with some of the others. You need to show your cards a little bit. Right now from his perspective there is no reason to think you want to get back together. Therefore, if he is hurt, he’s going to want to limit his exposure to you. Thinking of you, hearing your voice, hurts, because he may very well still want to be with you too. So right now he’s protecting himself from getting hurt further by continuing to see or talk to someone he can’t have. You should text him something like. “Well hope the move is going well. When you do get a chance though I would really like to get together. There is something important I’d like to talk to you about.” If he is still interested, this will give him enough hope to risk putting himself out there to meet up with you. And I doubt he’ll pick up a phone call, I’d stick with texts.
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That is what I was thinking; I don’t know that calling him would be very productive.
 
mommamaree said:
A month and a half is quite a long time to have passed. He may have already done his best to move on with his life. That often involves hardening one’s heart for a time, unfortunately.

So, I am not sure you should want to avoid appearing desperate. AREN’T you desperate? You describe your love for him and your sorrow for rejecting him. I think a certain amount of desperation is called for. Now is not the time to appear aloof and calm and collected.

I would not wait for him to respond to a text. That is so impersonal. Call him. If he won’t answer, leave a message telling him (briefly) how wrong and sorry you are and how much you miss him. Then ask him to consider meeting you face-to-face. Or, hand write a letter with the same type of message and send it through the mail. Or, try calling first and then send a letter with more details.

If you truly love him, and you are fairly certain he feels or felt similarly about you, you need to follow this through. The worst that can happen is for him to inform you he has moved on. The best is that he will resume a courtship with you. But if you do nothing, the regret is worse than the heartbreak.

Good luck. I really hope you can reach him on the phone so that you can attempt to repair it. Let us know how that goes! God bless!
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Well, that is what I am not sure about. Yes, in one sense, I am “desperate.” I love him and am so scared that I have lost him forever; I can’t stop thinking about it. But on the other hand, men are so weird that way. I am afraid that if he thinks I am “desperate,” he will reject me. Of course, he may do that anyway. But I don’t want to blow it by going about it in the wrong way.
 
You had reasons to break up with him, as unreasonable as they may now seem to be. If you get back together, those reasons will still be there. First thing would be to understand for yourself why you broke things off.

I think you have done all you can to communicate your desire to re-establish a relationship. It is up to him now whether he wants to give it another try.

Were I in your ex’s shoes, I would be afraid of being hurt again. If you get to talk to him, you will need to convince him that a renewed relationship is worth the risk of another rejection.
 
I have been in exactly your ex boyfriends position.

To suggest you meet up sometime is so vague, he probably thought ,why open up old wounds.

You say he wasn’t expecting it.

He might feel he can never trust you again.
Normally if you get dumped there is some sort of preamble or warning.

I really feel for you,and him.

You really need to make some significant moves in his direction in an effort to get him back.
You will have to put your heart on the line.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh,I don’t mean to be.

Just to finish off where I started.

Did I get back with my ex.

No.

I didn’t feel she was serious and committed enough.
I couldn’t trust her anymore.

Michael
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I wonder if I should wait a while now before trying to contact him again? I just don’t know what to do.
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I wouldn’t wait. It’s already been about a month and a half, yes? After 6 weeks it’s not unreasonable at all to think he may be dating someone. If you want a chance to maybe reconcile you need to let him know as soon as possible.
 
If a woman dumped me out of the blue, for me that is the end of the relationship. Don’t take this the wrong way, but if she continued to call me after she dumped me, that for me is a major warning sign that there might be some type of issue with the woman.

I recommend moving on. There are plenty of other people out there in the dating pool.
 
Groo said:

“First thing would be to understand for yourself why you broke things off.”

Yep. You didn’t break up with him for nothing, right?
 
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