Relationship help needed

[St_Francis]

Groo said:

“First thing would be to understand for yourself why you broke things off.”

Yep. You didn’t break up with him for nothing, right?

Yes, this was my thought as well. Part of the process of getting over a relationship is evening out the good points and bad points. It is really easy to focus on the bad points for a while and be angry, sad, or whatever; and then there comes a time when the good points all come up and all you see is the good points and you wonder why you left… This may just be a phase you are in and I would suggest seriously considering the bad parts oft he relationship (like, why you broke ip with him!) before contacting him again.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I wouldn’t wait. It’s already been about a month and a half, yes? After 6 weeks it’s not unreasonable at all to think he may be dating someone. If you want a chance to maybe reconcile you need to let him know as soon as possible.

This is true. I will take your advice and will not wait. He may well have moved on, but I will never know unless I try.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I have been in exactly your ex boyfriends position.

To suggest you meet up sometime is so vague, he probably thought ,why open up old wounds.

You say he wasn’t expecting it.

He might feel he can never trust you again.
Normally if you get dumped there is some sort of preamble or warning.

I really feel for you,and him.

You really need to make some significant moves in his direction in an effort to get him back.
You will have to put your heart on the line.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh,I don’t mean to be.

Just to finish off where I started.

Did I get back with my ex.

No.

I didn’t feel she was serious and committed enough.
I couldn’t trust her anymore.

Michael

No, this isn’t harsh. Thanks you for your perspective; I appreciate it. I am afraid to “put my heart on the line,” so to speak, but I will do it anyway.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

If a woman dumped me out of the blue, for me that is the end of the relationship. Don’t take this the wrong way, but if she continued to call me after she dumped me, that for me is a major warning sign that there might be some type of issue with the woman.

I recommend moving on. There are plenty of other people out there in the dating pool.

I will move on if I have to, but not without trying first. (I haven’t called him at all, and will not continue to contact him if he does not respond. I only sent the text messages mentioned in my first post.)

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Groo said:

“First thing would be to understand for yourself why you broke things off.”

Yep. You didn’t break up with him for nothing, right?

Well, I would rather not talk about why I broke things off, but you are right that it is something that needs to be considered. However, I have thought it over myself and want to give it one more chance if he is willing.

 

[Havard]

Ok, since my other messages were not overly clear and direct (see my original post), should I send him one more, telling him that I have something important to talk to him about? Or is that too many messages in a short period of time?

So to make sure I’ve got it right, you’ve sent two texts so far?

I think one more is okay. Just pivot to the point, and you’re fine. Like “The reason I’m trying to get ahold of you because I’d really like to talk.” It just needs to be clear that this isn’t just a “hey how are you” message, because those are easily ignored. Whereas if he ignores a direct appeal for a serious talk… then you have your answer.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

So to make sure I’ve got it right, you’ve sent two texts so far?

Yes, you are correct.

I think one more is okay. Just pivot to the point, and you’re fine. Like “The reason I’m trying to get ahold of you because I’d really like to talk.” It just needs to be clear that this isn’t just a “hey how are you” message, because those are easily ignored. Whereas if he ignores a direct appeal for a serious talk… then you have your answer.

Ok. Good to know.

 

[NiceEnough]

No, this isn’t harsh. Thanks you for your perspective; I appreciate it. I am afraid to “put my heart on the line,” so to speak, but I will do it anyway.

I just want to offer you a little hope now if things don’t work out.

I didn’t get back with my ex and it took me years before I felt strong enough to enter another relationship.
When I did my g/f had to put up with my lack of trust and almost paranoia for months and months.
I’m glad she did as she has been my wife for more years than I care to admit too and we are absolutely devoted to each other!

The point of this being,if you do meet somebody new,be prepared to put up with their little foibles unless of course it’s impossible or unwise.

I should really have read some of your other posts on other threads before responding but I imagine you set incredibly high standards and to misquote a current hit.We’re only Human.
Men that is!!!
You sound lovely and I hope and pray things work out for you.

Michael.

BTW my ex contacted me many many years after our break up and now both of our families are the best of friends.

 

[bsf]

You were quite clear in relaying your fear and uncertainty. I have limited relationship experience, but I can remember being afraid and uncertain of what to do after a relationship ended. I will say a prayer for you and this ex-boyfriend.

 

[Pablopedro]

Ok, since my other messages were not overly clear and direct (see my original post), should I send him one more, telling him that I have something important to talk to him about? Or is that too many messages in a short period of time?

Yes. And you need to swallow your pride, show some courage, and tell him in the text you think you made a mistake and miss him and would like to rekindle the relationship. Then ask if he would be willing to call you and talk about it.

It has taken me years to get over relationships in the past, so he might be no where close to simply moving on. He might be avoiding your messages because his heart still aches when he thinks about you (not to be overly dramatic).

 

[EnglishTeacher]

So he did eventually respond. I was honest and told him that I regretted breaking up with him and that I still loved him, etc. We ended up meeting and talking for a while, which was really good and I was happy about. He did agree to get back together.

As happy as that made me, I am not sure how to proceed from there. The dynamics are definitely different now. I think it may take him a while to open up to me and trust me again, and I understand that. But how do I go about healing the relationship? Our meeting was the day before yesterday, and I have not heard from him since then. I will contact him later today if I don’t hear from him, but it feels strange for me to be initiating everything. He used to text me though out the day, and we used to get together for dates several times a week. As I said, I understand that this is going to take some time for him, and that we may have to take it slow; but if I end up being the one to initiate everything now, I don’t see how that is going to work – it will feel like I am chasing him, which I don’t like and I don’t know that he will either. Sorry for the rambling post. I guess I could just use some advice on how to proceed from here, as I have never been in this situation before and am realizing that we can’t just pick up where we left off.

 

[Thorns]

I would really appreciate any advice on what to do in this situation, especially from a man’s perspective (although advice from anyone is appreciated).

I ended a relationship about a month and a half ago with a man whom I now realize that I love very much and want to be with. I know that I hurt him in breaking it off, especially since he was not really expecting it. I have had a lot of confusion in relationships, probably mostly due to the fact that I am always scared about making the wrong decision. As a consequence, I can never see what is right in front of me until it is too late. However, I am hoping that there is some way that this time, it is not too late.

My problem is getting him to talk to me. I texted him last week asking him if he wanted to meet up sometime. (This was the first contact we had since breaking up.) He did say “sure,” but when I asked “when,” he said that he was very busy with moving into his new place, and said maybe next week he would have time. This was several days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since then. So this morning, I just sent him a text asking how the moving was going, and he has not responded.

What can I do to re-establish contact with him again? I want to tell him that I am sorry, that I love him so much, and that I am sure now that I want to be with him and would be committed to the relationship; but I want to tell him in person. But I don’t know how to do that if he isn’t responding to me (and I don’t want to bombard him with text messages).

Please don’t be too hard on me. I care deeply about him and want to get him back, but am not sure how to do it (and how not to seem desperate).

You must realize that men get played with a lot by all kinds of women. After such an experience, personally, I would be moving on and not looking back.

Sometimes a person can be genuinely confused about what they want. Some men are patient, while to some men it is a waste of time and can be annoying.

Also, if you never seem to be able to make a right choice with guys because of irrational or excessive fear of making a choice, there could be an underlying issue. Or maybe relationships arent for you? Or maybe one should realize no one is perfect and theres always going to be something negative about someone, which requires compromise, depending in what it is.

 

[NiceEnough]

So he did eventually respond. I was honest and told him that I regretted breaking up with him and that I still loved him, etc. We ended up meeting and talking for a while, which was really good and I was happy about. He did agree to get back together.

As happy as that made me, I am not sure how to proceed from there. The dynamics are definitely different now. I think it may take him a while to open up to me and trust me again, and I understand that. But how do I go about healing the relationship? Our meeting was the day before yesterday, and I have not heard from him since then. I will contact him later today if I don’t hear from him, but it feels strange for me to be initiating everything. He used to text me though out the day, and we used to get together for dates several times a week. As I said, I understand that this is going to take some time for him, and that we may have to take it slow; but if I end up being the one to initiate everything now, I don’t see how that is going to work – it will feel like I am chasing him, which I don’t like and I don’t know that he will either. Sorry for the rambling post. I guess I could just use some advice on how to proceed from here, as I have never been in this situation before and am realizing that we can’t just pick up where we left off.

That’s fantastic news!

Congratulations!!!

Just think of things now as if he has sustained a wound and in a way he has,it’s a psychological one and you are going to tend that wound until it heals,no matter what it takes.
Things could return to the way they were quite soon.

Michael.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I would really appreciate any advice on what to do in this situation, especially from a man’s perspective (although advice from anyone is appreciated).

I ended a relationship about a month and a half ago with a man whom I now realize that I love very much and want to be with. I know that I hurt him in breaking it off, especially since he was not really expecting it. I have had a lot of confusion in relationships, probably mostly due to the fact that I am always scared about making the wrong decision. As a consequence, I can never see what is right in front of me until it is too late. However, I am hoping that there is some way that this time, it is not too late.

My problem is getting him to talk to me. I texted him last week asking him if he wanted to meet up sometime. (This was the first contact we had since breaking up.) He did say “sure,” but when I asked “when,” he said that he was very busy with moving into his new place, and said maybe next week he would have time. This was several days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since then. So this morning, I just sent him a text asking how the moving was going, and he has not responded.

What can I do to re-establish contact with him again? I want to tell him that I am sorry, that I love him so much, and that I am sure now that I want to be with him and would be committed to the relationship; but I want to tell him in person. But I don’t know how to do that if he isn’t responding to me (and I don’t want to bombard him with text messages).

Please don’t be too hard on me. I care deeply about him and want to get him back, but am not sure how to do it (and how not to seem desperate).

You’ve reached out twice. Continuing to try to contact him might send the wrong message. If he wants to talk, he knows how to find you.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

So he did eventually respond. I was honest and told him that I regretted breaking up with him and that I still loved him, etc. We ended up meeting and talking for a while, which was really good and I was happy about. He did agree to get back together.

As happy as that made me, I am not sure how to proceed from there. The dynamics are definitely different now. I think it may take him a while to open up to me and trust me again, and I understand that. But how do I go about healing the relationship? Our meeting was the day before yesterday, and I have not heard from him since then. I will contact him later today if I don’t hear from him, but it feels strange for me to be initiating everything. He used to text me though out the day, and we used to get together for dates several times a week. As I said, I understand that this is going to take some time for him, and that we may have to take it slow; but if I end up being the one to initiate everything now, I don’t see how that is going to work – it will feel like I am chasing him, which I don’t like and I don’t know that he will either. Sorry for the rambling post. I guess I could just use some advice on how to proceed from here, as I have never been in this situation before and am realizing that we can’t just pick up where we left off.

I would leave off and let him initiate contact for a while. You’ve made it clear how you feel and what your intentions are. Give him some space.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You must realize that men get played with a lot by all kinds of women. After such an experience, personally, I would be moving on and not looking back.

Sometimes a person can be genuinely confused about what they want. Some men are patient, while to some men it is a waste of time and can be annoying.

Also, if you never seem to be able to make a right choice with guys because of irrational or excessive fear of making a choice, there could be an underlying issue. Or maybe relationships arent for you? Or maybe one should realize no one is perfect and theres always going to be something negative about someone, which requires compromise, depending in what it is.

I was genuinely confused; I was not playing with him. I have taken some time and have resolved (I think) some of my issues with making a choice in relationships, so I can only hope it is not too late.

That’s fantastic news!

Congratulations!!!

Just think of things now as if he has sustained a wound and in a way he has,it’s a psychological one and you are going to tend that wound until it heals,no matter what it takes.
Things could return to the way they were quite soon.

Michael.

Thank you; I do hope that they will, but I am still very unsure as to how it’s all going to turn out. The practical issue of exactly how to heal his hurt and heal the relationship is what I don’t know how to do.

I would leave off and let him initiate contact for a while. You’ve made it clear how you feel and what your intentions are. Give him some space.

I might do that. I don’t know how long it will take, though; I guess we will see.

 

[NiceEnough]

I was genuinely confused; I was not playing with him. I have taken some time and have resolved (I think) some of my issues with making a choice in relationships, so I can only hope it is not too late.

Thank you; I do hope that they will, but I am still very unsure as to how it’s all going to turn out. The practical issue of exactly how to heal his hurt and heal the relationship is what I don’t know how to do.

I might do that. I don’t know how long it will take, though; I guess we will see.

With all respect to Luna it’s not space he needs it’s reassurance.

 

[thewanderer]

With all respect to Luna it’s not space he needs it’s reassurance.

I absolutely agree. He was hurt because you drew away from him. He now needs reassurance from you that you will not do that to him again. Drawing back now would be very counter-productive

 

[mommamaree]

If I were you, I would begin a new habit. Text him in the morning and wish him a wonderful day. Text him in the evening to wish him good night. Send short and sweet little messages now and then. Ask him to meet you for coffee, or lunch, or wine and dessert. Or ask him to go for a walk with you.

Point is, you hurt him pretty bad, he has accepted your apology and agreed to get back together. But now, you have to initiate. You cannot just sit back and let him do all the work. You need to reassure him by initiating contact and inviting him for dates and such.

It is wonderful news that he agreed to get back together.