Relationship mother and brother

[DonQuichote1235]

Dear all, I have a question for you all. I have the ‘agreement’ that I come and see my mother and brother every two weeks. I travel back to my hometown. My mother and brother have a very narrow social life and they ‘depend’ somewhat on my coming every two weeks. If I can’t come every two weeks (but instead after three weeks) it’s not a problem, but then I have to come the week after the third week also. So usually I come week 1 then two weeks later week 3, week 5, week 7 etc. If I can’t come for example in week 3, I’ll come in week 4, but then I’m expected also to come in week 5 in order to ‘fulfill’ the two weeks agreement.

If I want to come every three weeks instead of two weeks, this will be a problem. My mother says she and my brother very much like it when I come and if I come after three weeks this will be too long for them…She says my brother hasn’t got any friends and otherwise he has to wait that long for me…

Another thing is, I just graduated in two masters. So there’s a chance my career would be international. My mother and brother don’t really like if I were to be living in another country for my work because of the same reasons. They say I could easily find a good job in my own country so why finding one in another country if I could keep on seeing them when having the job in my own country.

My mother and brother would be very sad when I was to go to another country. I feel guilt when I do that because I know it saddens my mother and brother. Btw, my brother has some form of autism, but is being well taken care of and my mother and father (divorced) are in relative good health. So are there any moral obligations for me to keep on coming every two weeks and staying in my country to keep on seeing them? Thanks in advance!

Gr. Don

 

[ahs]

Who are you responsible FOR, vs. who are you responsible TO? And then, how are you responsible FOR YOU, and how are you to be repsonsible TO THEM?

Seems like other people, besides yourself, are making YOUR life decisions for you. Don’t let that happen.

Maybe it’s just an odd coincidence, or maybe it’s me, but when I start to recommend a book, suddenly I am finding several people all at once to recommend it to. Here:

amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Available for sale nearly everywhere…and even for free (check-out) at most Libraries.

 

[donna369]

i wish i could see my mom and brother so often.
that being said, maybe you could offer suggestions for them on ways to have more social outlets. i don’t think it is your responsibility to see that they are entertained by your presence. that’s rather odd. there are plenty of places where autistics can get together sort of like day camp. there are schools that go year round. tho i don’t know where you live you could look into opportunities for them both.
perhaps your mother could join a seniors group and/or get involved in some group activity she might enjoy. i would encourage that if i were you. but don’t let them guilt you into living the way they want you to.

 

[DonQuichote1235]

But don’t I have any moral responsibilities towards them? They may say, well if you really love us then you would find a job in your homecountry so you could still see us. Why choosing a different country, thereby not seeing us, if you like to see us often…Don’t they have a point?

Gr. Don

 

[shainski]

While it is noble for you to want to be so integral in their lives - you know that it can’t go on forever. What will happen when you marry? Do you think it will be typical for your wife to want to go back and visit your family every two weeks?

Your mother - and even more importantly - your brother - do need to find ways to live and prosper without you being so integral. That you do come back so often actually enables them to not expand their horizons.

I do realize that autistic people often have a hard time dealing with any change. So you changing from every two weeks to every three or four will be difficult for a while. But ultimately you will do them a favor by encouraging them to find other social outlets and activities.

If you don’t, you might eventually start to resent them and the whole state of everything. You sound like a loving son and brother. But ultimately you do have to do what is right for yourself.

 

[7armyrugrats]

But don’t I have any moral responsibilities towards them? They may say, well if you really love us then you would find a job in your homecountry so you could still see us. Why choosing a different country, thereby not seeing us, if you like to see us often…Don’t they have a point?

Gr. Don

Have you thought of asking them to move with you?

As far as moral obligations, no I don’t think you have any. You are an adult and you are able to do as you please and you are leaving for work, not just to party or forget about them. You obviously love your family and that is admirable. When you decide to marry and have children of your own you probably won’t be able to visit nearly as often any way. That is how life goes.

As the mom of two sons on the autism spectrum I want to thank you for being so close to your brother and for caring for him. The day may come when you are NEEDED to be his care giver so I suggest you keep as close a bond as possible. But by finding a good job you are insuring that you will be able to fulfill any family obligations that may happen in the future.

 

[Sunbreak]

You sound like someone who is from a country other than the US. I say this because I know some cultures have more of an emphasis on family obligations. Even so, what is really your obligation? They would like to see you. That doesn’t mean you have to go there as often as they would like. Tell them you love them but you will come when you are able. You shouldn’t give up an international opportunity if you get one just because they would like to see you more often. If your family loved you, they would also want what was best for you.

 

[ahs]

But don’t I have any moral responsibilities towards them?

No, not in the sense of having to meet their demands about scheduled visits. No, you do not have that responsibility.

They may say, well if you really love us then you would find a job in your homecountry so you could still see us. Why choosing a different country, thereby not seeing us, if you like to see us often…Don’t they have a point?

Gr. Don

No, they do not have a point. Who decided that “love” equals “come to see ME based on MY schedule.” That sounds more like selfishness on their part. You could just as logically ask them the same question.

You, Don, can just as easily ask them, “If you really love me, wont you let me live a responsible life and be responsible for myself?” “Do you not love me enough to let me go and get a job wherever God leads me? Are you so selfish that you won’t let me be myself and instead insist that I be responsible for YOUR feelings?” “Are you so selfish that you would try to make me feel guilty for wanting to live my life the way God directs me?”

Read that book, Gr. Don. It will help you see more clearly. amazon.com/Boundaries-Whe…/dp/0310247454

 

[DonQuichote1235]

Thank you for your responses! I live in the Netherlands. Well, last sunday things clashed…I swapped last weekend for upcoming weekend, because my friends decided to do something together and almost no one was available last weekend. So I emailed my mother that I didn’t come last weekend, but instead this weekend because of my friends. So that means that three weeks are between my last visit and upcoming. But like I explained before, there is this ‘two weeks arrangement’ so my brother called me last sunday with the question if I would ‘make up’ for last weekend by coming also next weekend. (Travelling time from my home to my mother’s is about 2 hours by train).

To make things a little clearer: weekend 0 I was at their house, weekend 2 I was supposed to come, but I swapped it for weekend 3. However, they also demand that I come weekend 4, because I had missed weekend 2 to keep the ‘two weeks arrangement’ intact.

I said I would’nt come weekend 4, because I didn’t like coming two consecutive weekends and that I would come weekend 6 again.

So this was a very big problem. My mother is very angry at me, she now wants the money I borrowed from her, because I was in financial worries. All kinds of blaming she throws at me like I’m some sort of egoistic bad son…

But my question to you is: her greatest argument is that because she has done and bought a lot things for me (and my brother also), she thinks I have to keep coming every two weeks. So she’s does a lot of things for me and my part of the contribution to family life would be coming every two weeks. She thinks I could at least do that for them, because they attach great importance to my coming. Do you think she has a point?

Right now, I’m not even talking about a possible international career, just changing from 2 to 3 weeks. they find 3 weeks too long. Can you imagine what will happen if I tell them I will go live abroad for some time? I think I’m right, but I also feel a lot of guilt…Thanks in advance!

Gr. Don

 

[shainski]

It can be difficult for parents to let go. And with a brother with special needs, your mother may be seeing how important you are to their lives.

But, it is wrong for her to expect that she can dictate your life because of material things she has given or loaned to you. To do so would turn you into an indentured servant.

Many people go through struggles like this when they have to work out holidays and balancing families after they get married or have children. The families want to control when and how often their married children see them.

And often the couple goes through a period where it tries to satisfy everybody to its own detriment - until finally one or both of the couple decide they just can’t do it anymore.

Then there is a transition period where everyone has to adapt to the new reality.

Ultimately, you will do what is best for you - or you will end up resenting it. How much better it will be for your mom and brother if you visit because you want to and not because you feel guilty for not visiting.

And, if you owe your mom money, then when you are gainfully employed, develop a plan to pay her back so she can’t hold that over you.

It’s not easy growing up - and your mom loves you - she is just having a hard time letting go - and your brother loves you very much as well.

 

[takers]

This situation sounds very similar. When my husband and I first met he was going down to visit his parents every other weekend (his mother had a massive stroke a few years prior and going down was mentally helpful to her). Then we met and started dating and his visits started to go every 2-3 weeks instead of a guaranteed 2. When we had our daughter the weeks slipped to every 3-4 weeks and now that she’s older we tend to go every 4-5.

My DH has had numerous conversations with this Mom about how she wants us to come down more often as she’s lonely yet rarely comes up to visit us (maybe twice a year) and dislikes going over to nearby friend’s houses or having them over. In the end it’s her saying she’s lonely vs my DH saying that we have a life up here that doesn’t always allow for us to travel.

Honestly, life’s natural changes began the process of extending our visits and I see that happening with you. You can’t put your life on hold because your family refuses to let you go. My suggestion would be to give up the 0, 1, 2, 3 etc week thing altogether. Try to go every 2-3 weeks but don’t make the dates in stone. If you notice it’s been close to three weeks then make a trip. If you feel like going sooner, then go. If something comes up and you have to push it back a weekend, then do so.

Let them know you love them very much but that you’re expanding your life and it’s including parts that don’t include them. Let them know they’re welcome to call ahead and come up to visit you. I would advise not taking any more money from your mother as that seems to be a contention point. Focus on getting out of debt and staying out of it. If you must, get a low interest bank loan.

Good luck!

 

[eyesopening]

I said I would’nt come weekend 4, because I didn’t like coming two consecutive weekends and that I would come weekend 6 again.

So this was a very big problem. My mother is very angry at me, she now wants the money I borrowed from her, because I was in financial worries. All kinds of blaming she throws at me like I’m some sort of egoistic bad son…

I’d pay her back as soon as possible so she can’t hold that over you any more.