Relationship Question #2

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bdrunner

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Hello,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice, I posted on this forum previously regarding a girl I’ve know a girl for several years in an exercise group, and we’ve been friends. This last year, she found out that she had to repeat a year of graduate school, I was going through something similar.

Long story short, now we’re close she thinks she may want more than friendship , and I’m not sure what to do. As I posted last time. she doesn’t go to Church, she says her familty is not religious, and she stopped believing in “all that” (Catholicism) because it’s a “human organization run by sinful humans” despite attending Catholic gradeschool and high school. Her family doesn’t seem to have the best morals. The consensus when I posted on here several months ago was either get rid of her, or “proceed with extreme caution.” I’ve proceeded with extreme caution because she means alot to me as a friend. She wants more, and says this is a little weird because she’s never been this close to a guy without “anything physical.” Recently, she said that if she was in a relationship with another person she would go to Mass “if the other person really cared about it” because “relationships are about compromise.” I’m not sure if this is enough. Any advice would be much appreciated!
 
bdrunner said:
Hello,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice, I posted on this forum previously regarding a girl I’ve know a girl for several years in an exercise group, and we’ve been friends. This last year, she found out that she had to repeat a year of graduate school, I was going through something similar.

Long story short, now we’re close she thinks she may want more than friendship , and I’m not sure what to do. As I posted last time. she doesn’t go to Church, she says her familty is not religious, and she stopped believing in “all that” (Catholicism) because it’s a “human organization run by sinful humans” despite attending Catholic gradeschool and high school. Her family doesn’t seem to have the best morals. The consensus when I posted on here several months ago was either get rid of her, or “proceed with extreme caution.” I’ve proceeded with extreme caution because she means alot to me as a friend. She wants more, and says this is a little weird because she’s never been this close to a guy without “anything physical.” Recently, she said that if she was in a relationship with another person she would go to Mass “if the other person really cared about it” because “relationships are about compromise.” I’m not sure if this is enough. Any advice would be much appreciated!
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All of this is pretty specific to persons, so it’s hard to generalize. When I was dating, lo these many years back, I wouldn’t even go out with a girl unless she was sincerely Catholic or a nominal protestant who really was looking for a church to believe in. The latter never seemed to me to work out because I was always thinking the interest in Catholicism wasn’t sincere.

My son was an even more active dater of protestants than I was. Two of them even joined the Church. But when the relationship ended for other reasons, they dropped out.

So, I’m very skeptical of “interest” on the part of a former Catholic who considers herself “past all that”. There are girls who actually are Catholic already and mean it. I married one and so did my son.

I think I would be looking for one if I were you.
 
My husband was raised catholic. His parents were a man who never misses Mass and a woman who was a postulant who discovered her vocation was actually motherhood. Despite pretty awesome parents, he, too felt he was “over all that” and left the Church in his teens.

DH returned to the Church about 2 years ago, more than 20 years after leaving. Because I love him, I supported his decision. I even watched many hours of Church related lectures and documentaries on Youtube with him. I was previously married and divorced, so I began the process of Annulment because I knew enough to know he would need me to do that so our marriage could be recognized by his faith and he could receive the Sacraments.

I went to my first Mass ever because he was singing in the choir and wanted me to come lend moral support. I walked in, sat in a pew, and just knew I was home. I began the conversion process. And I love the faith because I love the faith, not because I am trying to please DH. If DH were to, Heaven forbid, leave or pass away I would still be catholic.

I favor proceeding with caution. If you and this lady truly have a good relationship and she is respectful of your faith and is willing to support you in it’s practice, then give her a chance. Talk about it. Explain things like NFP, no pre-marital sex, marriage is for life, if you were to marry, you need to know is she ok with doing pre-cana and with raising the children catholic, etc. If she is still supportive and willing, then seriously date and see if you’re a good match for each other.

You never know, she may hear the Spirit calling her back. I never in a million years thought DH would return to the Church or that I would want to join, yet here we are.
 
I think it’s good you’re approaching this with caution. I think you need to be upfront and honest about what you expect should enter into a relationship with her. It sounds like she’ll only go to mass with you and such just to please you instead for reasons you actually should go to mass. I would definitely keep seeking the answers from God and see where he leads you.
 
big red flags:

if she sees going to church as a compromise, the first time you have an argument because she wants you to do something you don’t want to do, she’ll use mass attendance as leverage. either you’ll feel that you need to do something you’re not comfortable with, or she’ll quit going. really, I don’t think compromise is the right word… it’s more like bribery. she’s trying to bribe you to enter the relationship with the promise of her attending church.

also, if you’re having doubts before even beginning to date, that’s another reason to not start. relationships make us stupid and fuzzyheaded, and even the best of us sometimes aren’t strong enough to dig ourselves out of the holes we end up in.

if she’s never been “this close” to a guy without being physical, either she doesn’t have meaningful relationships, or you’re entirely way too close to her. maybe some of both. I say back off the “friendship” and see what happens.

(and although this may be moot, since none of us ever know why we’re put into someone’s life… err on the side of caution. esp if her family has questionable morals.)
 
A practicing Catholic will strengthen your faith and you can walk along side together.

A person who doesn’t have faith will always wrestle with you.

Look first to honor God in your singleness, in your dating, in your marriage. Walk that road and stay in His blessing. The world cannot offer you anything that can compare with this.

God bless and guide you!
 
Do you have much comfortable, friendly interaction with other, “potentially eligible” females?
 
bdrunner said:
I’ve proceeded with extreme caution because she means alot to me as a friend. She wants more,
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Are you simply scared she will no longer be your friend so you either have to date her or loose her as a friend? Because honestly, it doesn’t sound like you even want to be her boyfriend

Angie
 
So, I’m assuming you’re at a point in your life where you are looking for a wife. Then define for her what you would expect in a potential wife (which is why you date). I would think once she hears your ideal, she will either begin to make serious changes in her life or she will recognize this as simply a good friendship.
 
Be completely honest with her.
You both are college educated-but she sounds like a person who has picked up a mindset in non-Catholic college. The quote you posted has a familiar ring to it from professors that taught me…

Perhaps you can bring her back-she has no positive Catholic people in her life and needs one.
 
mommy_k said:
Perhaps you can bring her back-she has no positive Catholic people in her life and needs one.
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A person can invest a lot of time to see if their boyfriend/girlfriend will come around. They’ve had some time together already and she’s been pretty clear she’s not interested in pursuing Catholicism. Respect that choice and move on.

Plenty of people have come on Catholic Answers here with this problem…My fiance/e doesn’t want to be married in the Church. No way no how. What am I supposed to do now? I always dreamed about being married in the Church. What I read here is that being married in the Church, walking in the blessing of God during dating and married life, raising a family with the sacraments, these things were really never that important, or you would have stood your ground in the beginning.

Find a life partner that will walk hand in hand with you in the faith, and you will go ‘from strength to strength’. Scripture says to not be unequally yoked. There is a lot of wisdom there. Make a smart choice. God bless and guide you.
 
bdrunner said:
Hello,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice, I posted on this forum previously regarding a girl I’ve know a girl for several years in an exercise group, and we’ve been friends. This last year, she found out that she had to repeat a year of graduate school, I was going through something similar.

Long story short, now we’re close she thinks she may want more than friendship , and I’m not sure what to do. As I posted last time. she doesn’t go to Church, she says her familty is not religious, and she stopped believing in “all that” (Catholicism) because it’s a “human organization run by sinful humans” despite attending Catholic gradeschool and high school. Her family doesn’t seem to have the best morals. The consensus when I posted on here several months ago was either get rid of her, or “proceed with extreme caution.” I’ve proceeded with extreme caution because she means alot to me as a friend. She wants more, and says this is a little weird because she’s never been this close to a guy without “anything physical.” Recently, she said that if she was in a relationship with another person she would go to Mass “if the other person really cared about it” because “relationships are about compromise.” I’m not sure if this is enough. Any advice would be much appreciated!
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In cases like these, you really need to know yourself.

There are people out there, like one of my old religion teachers, who seem so staunch in the Faith that they’ll end up converting their partner.

And there’s people who will be drug along the other way and more away from the Faith, it seems.

When I started graduate school, I swore off women like that just because I figured it would turn out to be this big battle. I know that most women aren’t in graduate school to have a career as a home-schooling, stay-at-home mom. I also didn’t want to have to spend energy trying to drag someone out to Mass every weekend.

And I wasn’t about to subscribe to the 2-parent working, living in the expensive suburbs scenario and have someone else basically raise our kids for us.

So, I kept women like that at arms length when it came to personal relationships.

As far as caution goes, it’s probably not such bad advice in any relationship. You may be surprised at what some Church-going women will do and think if the man knows the dating game.

The problem I see is when she says compromise, she probably means everything is on in the table. Your Faith should never be compromised, and I’m not sure if she’d really be okay with that.
 
Under no circumstances marry her unless she sincerely ‘converts’. It is best to avoid having any relationship with her at all because she probably won’t ‘convert’ but will tempt you to marry her anyway, which would be a disaster for you and your future children. She would be a terrible wife and mother. The more immediate problem is that she seems to want you to commit sexual sins with her. Do you really believe it is God’s Will for you to be with this girl? Will it make you a better person or a fornicator and then, after marriage, a compromiser? The very fact that you are considering having anything to do with her shows you have a weak will and could not stand up for your faith in a marriage with her.
 
Don’t. Unless she goes back to her Catholic roots by her own choosing, remain friends. The odds are, it won’t work out otherwise. Been there, done that. Sure, everyone’s story is different, but I had to learn lessons the hard way. If your Catholicism means a lot to you, then don’t go down that route with her. Don’t. Choose integrity over physical attraction.
 
If you knew how the power of God comes into a marriage, the grace that’s available to the couple, you wouldn’t even think twice. I wish I could somehow give you that understanding.

Over the years my husband and I have seen God intervene for us in a big way. There are always challenges that come up, job loss, injury, children, just life. When you have a life partner that will join you in prayer, petition God together, you’ve got a powerhouse available to you. That is what I wish for you! And nothing less.

Matthew 18:20
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

2 Cor 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

You are salt and light to the world…
Matt 5:14"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; 15nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Proverbs 31:10
10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

This is a time to strengthen your own faith. Have you recently looked at the cardinal virtues? Look at them, study them, put them into practice. Should you be blessed to be married and have children, you will be responsible to teach these to your children and model them, for your children, your workplace, your neighborhood and church members.

catholicism.about.com/od/beliefsteachings/tp/Cardinal_Virtues.htm
…Because it is so easy to fall into error, prudence requires us to seek the counsel of others, particularly those we know to be sound judges of morality. Disregarding the advice or warnings of others whose judgment does not coincide with ours is a sign of imprudence.
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To find a life partner that wishes to take every advantage of the wisdom of the Church and put them into practice is a very great blessing. You may live to be 80, and it can be full of wisdom and blessing, or a train wreck of tears and struggles. This is a time to choose well, think clearly, soberly. May God guide you today.
 
PennyinCanada said:
If you knew how the power of God comes into a marriage, the grace that’s available to the couple, you wouldn’t even think twice. I wish I could somehow give you that understanding.

Over the years my husband and I have seen God intervene for us in a big way. There are always challenges that come up, job loss, injury, children, just life. When you have a life partner that will join you in prayer, petition God together, you’ve got a powerhouse available to you. That is what I wish for you! And nothing less.

Matthew 18:20
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

2 Cor 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

You are salt and light to the world…
Matt 5:14"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; 15nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

Proverbs 31:10
10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

This is a time to strengthen your own faith. Have you recently looked at the cardinal virtues? Look at them, study them, put them into practice. Should you be blessed to be married and have children, you will be responsible to teach these to your children and model them, for your children, your workplace, your neighborhood and church members.

catholicism.about.com/od/beliefsteachings/tp/Cardinal_Virtues.htm

To find a life partner that wishes to take every advantage of the wisdom of the Church and put them into practice is a very great blessing. You may live to be 80, and it can be full of wisdom and blessing, or a train wreck of tears and struggles. This is a time to choose well, think clearly, soberly. May God guide you today.
Click to expand...
Well and beautifully stated. I couldn’t agree more. Seriously, an eloquent post. 👍
 
Thanks everyone for the excellent advice! I will try to find a sincere Catholic girl, if I’m sure that I’m called to marriage. Thanks again!
 
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