Relationship Question

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bdrunner

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Hello,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice. I’ve know a girl for several years in an exercise group, and we’re been friends. This last year, she found out that she had to repeat a year of medical school, and she told me how sad she was, though I was going through something similar at my school. I told her about my problems, and I started studying with her every couple weeks when I came home, to make sure she understands the material. It seems like now she wants a boyfriend, and I’m not sure what to do. She doesn’t go to Church, though her family loosely identifies as Catholics(she’s Hispanic), and her brothers seem to have some of the worst values I’ve ever seen ( DUI, multiple live-in girlfriends). Religion doesn’t seem important to her, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure what I want, but definitely don’t want to be tempted with sin by someone who’s values may be completely different. She says she’s “more liberal” than her parents, and she’s had boyfriends before, but not in the last couple years. Any advice would be much appreciated!
 
bdrunner said:
Hello,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice. I’ve know a girl for several years in an exercise group, and we’re been friends. This last year, she found out that she had to repeat a year of medical school, and she told me how sad she was, though I was going through something similar at my school. I told her about my problems, and I started studying with her every couple weeks when I came home, to make sure she understands the material. It seems like now she wants a boyfriend, and I’m not sure what to do. She doesn’t go to Church, though her family loosely identifies as Catholics(she’s Hispanic), and her brothers seem to have some of the worst values I’ve ever seen ( DUI, multiple live-in girlfriends). Religion doesn’t seem important to her, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure what I want, but definitely don’t want to be tempted with sin by someone who’s values may be completely different. She says she’s “more liberal” than her parents, and she’s had boyfriends before, but not in the last couple years. Any advice would be much appreciated!
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We aren’t required to give anybody “the benefit of the doubt” romantically speaking.

You haven’t mentioned anything so far to make dating this woman sound like a good idea.
 
If you want to go into this, I would say take it slllloooooow.

You don’t want to get so caught up in it that you start turning from your faith for her.
Remember the point of a partner is for you to bring each other closer to God, as long as you do this then I think your good. Who knows, you might just be the person to bring her back to the faith. So I would say go for it, just keep your eyes fixed on God. Because the moment you take them off of Him, it’s gonna be to late.
 
You may want to be her friend, but if she wants a boyfriend it does not sound like a good idea at all.

You sound like you want to do the right thing…so please remember that for a happy marriage you need a partner who takes the faith seriously and puts God first.
 
bdrunner said:
Hello,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice. I’ve know a girl for several years in an exercise group, and we’re been friends. This last year, she found out that she had to repeat a year of medical school, and she told me how sad she was, though I was going through something similar at my school. I told her about my problems, and I started studying with her every couple weeks when I came home, to make sure she understands the material. It seems like now she wants a boyfriend, and I’m not sure what to do. She doesn’t go to Church, though her family loosely identifies as Catholics(she’s Hispanic), and her brothers seem to have some of the worst values I’ve ever seen ( DUI, multiple live-in girlfriends). Religion doesn’t seem important to her, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure what I want, but definitely don’t want to be tempted with sin by someone who’s values may be completely different. She says she’s “more liberal” than her parents, and she’s had boyfriends before, but not in the last couple years. Any advice would be much appreciated!
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First of all, how do you know if she wants a boyfriend now? Did she tell you? If so, the next question is what do you feel? Is it the same? Before we go further on love, let me examine your state of mind.

You feel that if ever you will pursue the quest of your emotion, you are afraid that your faith would be affected by the circumstances surrounding her? That is a normal thinking. However, if you really have faith in God no matter what the situation is you will remain firm.

if ever you will proceed with your feelings, remember that you are going to have a relationship with her and not so with her family. Yes, knowing where she came from is important. However, is it not if you really like her you would accept her totality?

If all the ladies in the world would have the same situation as her, would all the guys in the world would not pursue their feelings? Faith is not racist nor is it discriminating. Why not become the light of her. Why not become the instrument to lead her to the way that you are in. Get to know her more then decide later on.

May the Good and Loving Lord help you!
 
If it comes up–if your studying together seems to reach a jumping off point, you can always say, “I really enjoy your company and your friendship, but we really need to focus on our studies, and neither one of us can afford to let a romantic relationship get in the way right now.”
 
Thank you so much for the advice everyone! My gut was kinda saying the same thing, and something felt wrong though I wasn’t sure what. Thanks!
 
It may also be Gods calling to convert this girl! Maybe he wants you to get to know her better and bring her into the Catholic faith! Just be careful and go slow.

God bless you
 
ajecphotos said:
It may also be Gods calling to convert this girl! Maybe he wants you to get to know her better and bring her into the Catholic faith! Just be careful and go slow.

God bless you
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Exactly what I thought.
 
Nobody’s a finished project, and it’s difficult to assess the stage anyone’s at (only God knows). Hence it seems to me one shouldn’t be too quick to write people off.

I can certainly say that several years ago I was at a place where I wouldn’t like my hypothetical current ‘girlfriend’ (too old for the boy/girl part) to currently be at. It’s not up to me to judge my own progress, either, but just stating some facts here.

Others also say you need to do some upbringing before you end up having the ideal wife or husband.

So I’m not recommending writing off a girl who has not been taught better yet if that’s that case. Nor can you really give her an ultimatum like: ‘change your beliefs to such and such or I’m out.’

On the other hand, you do need to know what you’re doing. Make sure you’re committed to staying chaste and are not going to give in even when your own desire, longing, even a sense of deprivation or repression, combines with the pressure of seeing a disappointed, apparently hurt girl asking you to do something you don’t want to do and failing to understand your refusal, interpreting it as a rejection of her (and her person, personality etc.) instead. Would be easier to start as friends for sure.

And you need to teach the faith to the children, with no compromises like skipping some teachings or blending them with something quite opposite or leaving it up to the children to figure out on their own. A person who doesn’t believe in abstaining from fornication, or birth control, or other things, will not likely be enthusiastic about not being ‘allowed’ to teach those views to her own children (for example as part of a specific secular morality system based on different values than Catholic morality).

So think long and hard and talk a lot before you make big commitments (whether outright verbal or implied from your behaviour and attitude).
 
Thanks Chevalier. I’m going to try to keep it confined to friendship. I know she needs support as she goes through a tough part of her medical school, and am kinda concerned a deeper relationship would give the friendship a shorter duration.
 
bdrunner said:
Thanks Chevalier. I’m going to try to keep it confined to friendship. I know she needs support as she goes through a tough part of her medical school, and am kinda concerned a deeper relationship would give the friendship a shorter duration.
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That’s often the case, and young adult relationships are short and rocky, while young adult friendships last forever. She sounds like someone you personally would like to keep as a friend, doesn’t she.

Chances are she might ask you to let her go to mass with you or lend her a book or answer a question, it happens sometimes in such cases.
 
Thanks Chevalier! I’m going to limit our interaction to studying in public places, as studying even in semi-reclusive areas has caused me to struggle with “going off course” or “impure thoughts.” Thanks again for the excellent advice!
 
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